|Did You Know: MS no longer speaks of the Zune due to WP7 coming out. Good Night Sweet Prince|
After releasing the shining achievement that was the Xbox 360 to the public, Microsoft thought that they weren’t having enough cash sucked out of their assholes, and decided to create the shit colored (and filled) music player called the Zune. Microshaft seems to be under the impression that the Zune is an iPod killer. This might have something to do with Billy Gates’ noggin’ being filled with Steve Job’s man mustard. Mmm, business. The Zune comes in four different colors; Psychopath White, Fall Out Boy Black, Scat Lover's Brown, and Homoerotic Pink. They also came out with Bloodshed Red last weekend or something. Another color for the scene fucks!
Why noone knows about the very existance of the Zune
Why the Zune Sucks
Because Bill Gates has a fetish for busted hardware, the Zune launched with many problems. Zune has an utterly useless feature that lets you beam songs to other Zune users, since the only people in the world who own a Zune are Bill Gates, Tycho from Penny Arcade, and Your Mom. You can only keep the songs for 'three days or three plays', which might be a result of all Zune users having shitty tastes in music. The Zune also has a series of useless Firmware updates, which have still yet to make the Zune any less shitty. We'd keep you posted, but it's already a lost cause.
The software got an update! Now it fucks up your library and puts fucking Green Day album art on ALL your music! PROOF
The Zune and Bricking
Like many Microsoft products, It is not compatible with other Microsoft products and it's said to have a form of some STD, acquired when linking the Zune to its incestuous cousin, the 360 (stick it in my USB slot baby! Oh, yeah! Deeper!). It's said that the 360 acquired this STD after Bill Gates decided that the Memory Card slot looked oddly like a vagina at the time, due to massive amounts of cocaine dancing around in his brain.
The best way to restore your Zune is to press back and up on the Dpad until Satan is spawned from hell and shits out another one from his ass.
Why the Zune Rocks
Additionally, it just got semi-useful firmware updates! Now you don't have to listen to the Coldplay dickshit songs your gay cousin sent you within 3 days! You can keep them as long as you want but you can only listen to them three times. Which will probably never happen because who the fuck is going to listen to Coldplay?
Also, it has wireless sync now. So you can sync your CP FROM the Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms! Xna games are totally free along with firmware updates
unlike the ipod touch which makes a person pay for new updates. Fixed with iOS 4. Also it's been rated the #1 portable device for viewing horse pr0n, which is a major selling point which many Zune owners take pride in.
Apparently the Zune also has better sound quality then the ipod, Although if you own an ipod Steve Jobs' subliminal messages sneaked into the audio would say otherwise.
The 2008 Zune Apocalypse
— one man
Around midnight Pacific time on December 31st 2008, 30GB Zunes began restarting and locking up at their boot screens. Reports swamped official forums and fan sites. Reported by hundreds of owners in forum threads at Zune.net and other sites, one of which already has over 1,000 replies, the 30GB model of Microsoft's Zune digital media player—and apparently only the 30GB model—entered a coma last Thursday. Whether a Zune was sitting idle or was in the middle of playing a song, users report that the device either shut itself off or restarted and then locked up at its boot screen. Microsoft said that a leap year issue caused problems with the 30-gigabyte versions of its Zune digital music player, following a flood of online customer complaints about the devices freezing up.
Bill Gates made an appearance wearing a Windows Vista thong and issued a statement pinpointing “a bug in the internal clock driver related to the way the device handles a leap year.” Which can be interpreted as ZUNE'S CLOSED DUE TO LEAP YEAR.
—and the trolling begins...
Searching for nearby Zunes... None found. Searching for nearby Zunes... None found. Searching for nearby Zunes... "Lola" found.
Sending "Hello" by Lionel Richie
Receiving "Hi There" by Killdozer
Sending "Do You Come Here Often?" by The Tornados Ridin' the Wind
Receiving "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys
Sending "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns 'N' Roses
Sending "What Brings You Here?" by Sandra Knight
Receiving "Dateless Losers" by Reel Big Fish
Sending "Come On" by Technotronic
Receiving "Bad Experience" by Juan Rogelo Camilon
Sending "You Don't Say" by Pinhead Circus
Receiving "Long Story" by Rudy Mills
Sending "I Got Time" by Letters to Cleo
Receiving "My Ex" by The Jackys
Receiving "We Had It All" by Willie Nelson
Receiving "Money" by Pink Floyd
Receiving "Fame" by Irene Cara
Receiving "Diamonds" by Los Lonely Boys
Receiving "Minions" by Wild Strawberries
Receiving "The Six Million Dollar Sandwich" by The Dead Texan
Sending "What Happened To You?" by The Offspring
Receiving "Love Died" by The Order
Sending "Let Me Guess" by Welcome to Florida
Sending "Someone Else" by The Radio Dept.
Receiving "No" by De La Soul
Receiving "Science Fiction" by Ruffo
Receiving "Outer Space" by The Muffs
Receiving "Infatuation" by Rod Stewart
Receiving "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm
Receiving "Merchandise" by Fugazi
Receiving "Little Dolls" by Ozzy Osbourne
Receiving "Life in Outer Space" by Grand Funk Railroad
Receiving "He Didn't Care For Me" by The White Mountain Boys
Sending "Funny How Love Can Be" by Harpers Bizarre
Receiving "I Don't Know How I Got By" by Edwin McCain
Receiving "I Freaked Out Like a Big Truck" by John Davis
Receiving "Total Nutcase" by A. Graham & The Moment Band
Receiving "Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads
Receiving "I Made Love to a Martian" by Mustard Plug
Receiving "I Did It For The Toys" by Dance Hall Crashers
Receiving "Freaks in Uniforms" by The HorrorPops
Receiving "Kill Them All" by The Upsetters
Sending "That's Not Nice To Say" by 2nd Chapter of Acts
Receiving "I Don't Care" by Black Flag
Receiving "I Don't Want To Care" by Jessica Simpson
Receiving "This Much I Know" by Dwight Yoakam
Receiving "I Like You" by Morrissey
Receiving "Why Don't We Get Drunk" by Jimmy Buffett
Receiving "Let Me See Your Underwear" by Blow-up
Sending, "Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Get Me Naked" by Minus the Bear
Receiving "Strip" by Adam Ant
Sending "I Can't" by Sammie
Receiving "Tell Me Why" by Neil Young
Sending "Chewbacca's On My Underwear" by Rutherford B. Hayes is Dead
Receiving "Do You Hear What I Hear?" by Bing Crosby
Sending "What?" by Soft Cell
Receiving "The Breakup Song" by American Hi-Fi
Sending "Please Don't Go" by Double You
Sending "I Don't Want To Lose You" by REO Speedwagon
Receiving "Bozo Weirdo Wacko Creep" by David BaerwaldPlaying "Alone Again (Naturally)" by Gilbert O'Sullivan
WHAT THE FUCK IN HD
In September 2009, Microsoft released the Zune HD, a touchscreen media player with the sole purpose of kicking the iPod touch's ass. It has HD radio and can connect to a dock that lets it play HD video. It has little to any apps or games, much to the whinings of its respective users. The internet browser as of now doesn't support flash applications, and therefore cannot play YouTube. Currently available in 16, 32, and 64GB.
With the release of Windows Phone 7, though, Microsoft has stopped caring about the Zune. There are talks about a Zune HD2, but until an official statement by Microsoft, have fun trolling Zune Forums.
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