|KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!
IT'S A MAN, BABY!
Enjoy your cock! 8====D (_(__)
—Michael-Kun, full of contradictions
VampiricSpektor, or Michael-Kun, is a voluptuous internet slob-beast living in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who began to discover that [i] aquired(sic) psychic abilities at the age of 15 as well as enlisting powers such as telepathy, soul blasts, astral plane walking, ghost communicating and hamburgling. Mostly hamburgling, though. His belief that people give a shit about his opinions and his mystifying ability to predict disasters after they occur make her a dangerous, albeit prime lolcow.
Michael-Kun's vibrant bisexuality and Satanic magic is, like, totally kosher in God's eyes; videos insisting that he's lost at least twenty pounds; and videos demanding $5,000 be sent back to him from Nolan-Kun (his heroin-addicted boyfriend). Occasionally there is a fourth category of video, wherein he insists this is the last video, quickly followed by another video fitting into the first three categories. While VampiricSpektor has the body of an trisomy-ridden African mammy, he has the heart and cognitive function of a 15 year old, demanding not to be made fun of, frequently using super-awesome emoticons ^_^ while browsing hip new Twilight and Naruto merchandise. However, what lies under that greasy hide of rehydrated pork rinds is the "daemon inside of [me]" as verified by Nolan-Kun.Videos can be broken down into three genres: videos explaining why
Recently, after the Malcurian made its first V-LOG attack, Michael swiftly responded by "cursing [my] webcam" insisting that "I don't even need DNA to curse." Clearly, VampiricSpektor's threats should be taken very seriously, to which Nolan-Kun can attest . Despite being completely out of touch with reality, Michael-Kun is surprisingly in touch with current internet trends such as making youtube V-LOGS, tweeting predictions, and being trolled.
A Brief History of Morbid Obesity
Vampiricspektor has always been a fantastic liar on the Internet. That's right, the Internet; back when it was "surfed" and the "I" was capitalized and stood for serious fucking business. During the 56k and DSL days, a teenaged VS frequented Christian Teens:1, Goth Chat:1, and Gay Bi & Lesbian Teens:1 on Yahoo chat. There, he was a source of endless amusement to his fellow housebound losers. Although he claims to have discovered his psychic powers during this time, this link:  evidences an early presence of his tremendous fatness on the web and prove that he was doing the same thing then that he is doing today: lying through his flaccid ass-curtains about his life, which is demonstrably a pathetic open cesspit covered in cheeto dust... and that post is from a forum that references lies he told in the nineties! VS probably thought the infamy he accrued during his days of constantly changing his sexuality, religion, and gang affiliation (he served as a meat shield for the Bloods, who later buttfucked him for his trouble - seriously - oh, and he shot someone and then had to join the Crips!) would eventually disappear. He did not count on someone who remembers him sharing these precious memories with ED after stumbling upon his page and having yet another hearty laugh at his expense. VampiricSpektor, AKA, Scoot, Scooter, or The Caped Fatty, will live forever, though I imagine that, sometimes, late at night, he wishes he could hurry up and die.
- Post by VeLtrize on May 12, 2005, 2:34am
so how did scott find stardrops anyhow? doesn't his computer have like restrictions or something? oh wait, no. thats right, he was talking about getting that 'super computer' and such. the computer just must have came preinstalled with stardrops as a bookmark. hes fat.
VampiricSpektor is not a healthy individual in any sense of the word.
As far as mental stability goes, Michael-Kun is at a loss. He has convinced himself that he possesses psychic abilities as well as many other magical powers that only he seems to understand or acknowledge to exist. It is possible that he is merely trolling about the "magic" stuff and is actually well in contact with the real world, but the likely explanation considering recent events is that he actually believes these powers exist and any and all incidents in which he experienced anything paranormal would be while under the influence of alcohol or some kind of narcotic drug. The only other explanation is that said powers actually do exist, in which case, we are all fucked... or maybe he is just a batshit insane fat fuck hambeast who grows more deluded (and rotund) by the hour.
Another glaring indicator of mental illness is Michael-Kun's anger management. Upon being trolled on the internet, he responded by threatening his enemies with his psychic powers, claiming to have ancestral lineage to demons and such. A not-batshit-crazy 31-year-old man would be expected to be able to handle the abuse and continue with his life.
VampiricSpektor's loneliness has progressed to a point at which he has invented an imaginary boyfriend for himself who he named Nolan-Kun. Although VampiricSpektor mentions him frequently, there has never been any verifiable proof that he exists. It is also apparent that he cannot be joking about his existence. According to Twitter, he waited upwards of 24 days for a package to arrive from him. Michael-Kun has obviously convinced himself that there is such an individual as Nolan-Kun.
VampiricSpektor's physical health pretty much reflects his mental health. He has admitted to never leaving his house except in the event of visiting a store for powdered donuts. He frequently smokes and drinks, and the greasiness and overall untidiness of his hair would suggest that showers are a rare occurrence for him. As it is, he is in his early thirties but could easily pass for his mid-forties and definitely even his early fifties.
Michael-Kun's obesity is easily his most obvious and possibly most life-threatening condition. Although he is almost never seen from below the shoulders, we do get a glimpse of his lower body in the buttdance video, revealing that his muumuu cannot quite cover his entire abdomen (which would leave us to assume that he walks around with his belly showing in public). Considering he is is 5-11 and is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, obese, he would have to weigh at least 215 pounds at his height to give him a body mass index of 30.0, which is the least one can have to be considered such. However, he is most certainly significantly heavier than this. Glimpses of his body would suggest he is well over 300, probably as much as 400. This is most likely a result of his lifestyle as a hermit, as well as frequent consumption of alcohol and Taco Bell. It is unknown if he was overweight as a young boy, but this is also likely. His morbid obesity will most likely kill him before he is 50.
The Forehead Lump
Michael-Kun claims that THE CULPRIT is a result of a bruise that definitely happened sometime last week. However, after spewing over two years worth of "content" on YouTube, THE CULPRIT has been there since the start. Either Michael-Kun cracks open walnuts by headbutting or has a serious case of the Mondays, every day. Neurologists and trolls alike gather to study the beast's anatomy, and while they are still at the early stages of understanding its more to love! body, significant progress has been made.
A great deal of effort and speculation has gone into identifying the horrendous, sickening, depraved, wretched, vile, repugnant, despicable, afflicted, miserable, repulsive and pretty gay lump festering occipitofrontal lipoma adorned so gracefully by Michael-Kun. After a full CT scan with contrast, it has determined that the lump is due to thaumaturgical build-up, the blue balls of the magic world. It is caused by a massive build up of fatty magic and miracle in the idiotiums endogland, the magic center of the brain. The only known cure for this disease is death, or That's So Raven! season 1.
Encyclopedia Dramatica Diagnosis
Holy shit. Wtf is that thing? FUN FACT: Former schizophrenic nigra song writer Wesley Willis had a similar lump/tumor/extra limb emanating from his forehead. We prey to Eris that VS ends up exactly like Wesley, too.
Nolan-Kun, fact or fiction?
The fine authors of this article spent countless hours researching Michael-Kun and all of his obsessions during their off hours from art school. In nearly every video Michael-Kun, the hambeast claims to be in some sick borderline pedophiliac, but definitely straight (lolwut), relationship with a supple young boy by the name of Nolan-Kun. After searching through his subscribes, comments, his twitter page where Michael-Kun clearly says he reads Nolan-Kun's tweets, there is no evidence of Nolan-Kun existing. Specifically, his twitter page which contains only six followers show no evidence what so ever of anyone fitting Nolan-Kun's description. What is this, I don't even...
Tweet's regarding Nolan-Kun:
- lolz...had a video conversation with Theo and Tyler...Theo's hawt! but nolans hotter xD omg i hate pain :(
- tch, reading nolan-kuns tweets make me feel sorry for his habits...ugh :P
- Just Recently Heard Nolan-kun got arrested while tweaking on meth...gawd and reading his twitter means tyler was lying -.-
- ah heh, i wish nolan-kun would call me...srsly...i cant text him anymore or him text me because my father is an absolute fucktard
EXTREME LULZ, Michael-Kun's dad pays for his phone. He is 31 years old.
- Currently at a loss for words on nolan-kuns email to me...i dont know weither to blush or laugh out loud xD
- so nolans single now? great to know! lol
- aww nolan-kuns so cute when he speaks to me, its almost an orgasm in mono-tone XD
- oh holy shit, nolan-kuns tweets are so cute, im so hot for him i just wanna jack off on webcam and send it to him VIA email...however, icant (Can't find your penis?)
A sexy, single, romantic, compassionate, hotter than any other VIDEO WEB FRIENDS, erotic guy with a meth addiction? Sounds too good to be true! Or is he? Not all is chipper-dandy with Nolan-Kun, as these tweets signify:
- im fucked now, this is day number 5 and no package from nolan-kun :( im getting upset >.<
- im getting tired of waiting for nolan-kuns package to me....:( its been 6 fracking days! ffs!
- wasted another 4 hours downstairs waiting for a the surprise package that nolan sent me, didnt come today...ugh :( next time 1st class pl0x!
- i see no fans have sent me monies in paypal...come on dudes..nolans package FAILS lol xD
- tryin to talk to nolan-kun on facebook but he just ignores meh..what teh hell eh heh :(
- still no package...-.-
- bored, still waiting for nolan-kuns package...no dice :(
- still waiting for nolan-kuns package...its been 24 days and at this point i might as well give up -.-
Perhaps Nolan-Kun is having difficulty using the mail system due to the fact he is about as corporeal as Michael-Kun's black magic and the government doesn't discriminate against man-baby imaginary characters. Still, in the unlikely event that Nolan-Kun is real, holy shit man, holy shit. You'd send nudes to that Goliath online!
From the shadows came The Malcurian to "cause capital chaos" against Michael-Kun. Although his origin is unknown it is widely assumed that The Malcurian is a by-product of Michael-Kun's skilled black-magyicks. The clever tags in The Malcurian's youtube V-LOGS ensure that when someone searched for Michael-Kun's videos Malcurian's V-LOG come up. Alerted by fail and defamation of character, Michael-Kun became obsessed with the Malcurian, sparking the great magical e-war which still rages today. In the battle of student vs teacher, Michael-Kun has announced that he will not submit to cybercrime and e-bullying despite already deleting every single one of his video's once due to The Malcurian infestation, and due to Nolan-Kun owing him $15
War against the Malcurian
The time was prime to put an end to the ultimate life form The Malcurian. After making a video asking the identity of The Malcurian, Michael-Kun erased all of his videos committing the ultimate youtube sepukku. Days later he returned to the youtube with a slew of new videos stating both that he was here to stay, and he would find WHO IS THE MALCURIAN ONCE AND FOR ALL.
VampiricSpektor goes Apeshit
After the recent Malcurian Video, Scott Palmer went absolutely batshit insane, compiling over 9000 response videos demanding to know the identity of The Malcurian (who he believes attempted to run him over with car), inflicting various curses on innocent bystanders, and other hilarious retaliations. He became so obsessed that VampiricSpektor created three to four videos per day; and this was BEFORE he found the EncyclopediaDramatica article. Shit was going down now, motherfuckers. Apparently a spy secreted all of his information onto the shitstorm EncyclopediaDramatica. There was only one solution: FBI. Convinced that The Malcurian is someone named "Ashon", he pursued other helpless targets in his rage path, allowing The Malcurian time to craft it's next V-LOG update. It has promised one soon, as well as issuing a public statement to VampiricSpektor:
VampiricSpektor Goes To War With Encyclopedia Dramatica
—VampiricSpektor: he's going to hax us
VampiricSpektor was terminally butthurt, and needed a man to target. Appropriately he came after Alex "Romantic" Temple with a rage in his belly rivaling the build up of rage in his forehead. Sending out his greatest minions and hackers, he managed to defile the www.LulzcastPodcast.com webpage causing great pain for Romantic.
It became apparent that victory from his battles with Encyclopedia Dramatica, while a delusion, was on his side. Alarmed by his merciless banter of serious business and dedication to hacking Encyclopedia Dramatica's webpage using super awesome secret codes he probably got through Tim's Java Tutorials and Support! page, Romantic decided it was time to enter into negotiations so that everything was not lost.
Romantic vs VS: The Negotiation
While the negotiations are still in the primary stages, Romantic refrains from comment. However, he has mentioned that VampiricSpektor requests $10,000 as well as the ED page be taken down and that Romantic counter requested to be uncursed. The Negotiations look promising and the exchange so far seems totally reasonable.
The actual agreement turned out to be that, in exchange for taking down VS's parent's dox from this article, he would cohost February's Lulz News Network video and would never make another checkmate video.
VampiricButthurt Issues Moar Pointless Threats
asspie. He also stated that ED will be taken down in 48 hours and that his super 1337 H4KK0R friends will help him destroy ED once and for all. There was also some freedom of speech ranting and other random bullshit that had nothing to do with anything. He warned ED about the coming Butthurt Ragnarok that is coming from his magic spells and hacker friends. Despite the fact that he's said this shit over 9000 times already, he is actually going to follow through with it this time.He claims something about an Ultimatum, although it was not really clear what he meant because he is an
In order to wage war against ED, VampiricSpektor decided to upload a bunch of videos stating that he had done various terrible things to members of ED's community, like having "Snaisybelle Dramatica" arrested, and viciously attacking members of the EDSingers. Of course, anyone with a functioning neuron knows that they were groped by his ~psychic powers.~ To read about Snaisybelle's defeat at the hands of the merciless VampiricSpektor, click here.
Gone but Not Forgotten
As of approximately 11:20 PM, after releasing a string of videos on March 22, his account has been closed. Delicious mirrors exists if you missed it!
Just kidding. The trolls of the internet thought they had won after his final, teary-eyed video, but this was in fact an elaborate ruse. Maniacal Cackle! The stakes have certainly been upped, as he is now threatening to hold this page for ransom:
In a later video, he declares that there is no other alternative other than to collect 1 million signatures from the Supreme Court so that the Australian government will take down ED as shown here:
HOWEVER, he has just deleted ALL his videos AGAIN, after one of his works of art had been flagged by the community, who are probably just tired of his endless bitching and moaning, because nobody gives a fuck about his life or anything in it.
—VS, on how to win a court case
VS and the Skype Squad
One day, VS gave out all of his phone number via a video with the exception of the last number. He seemed to not realize there were only about 10 digits it could be. This being so, the EDiots with Skype decided to go for the troll.
In the original phone calls with VS, the following occurs:
- Tries to claim ED didn't stick to its word when it took down his parent's dox.
- Says the Raiders will be in the Super Bowl 2027, yet later says he can't see beyond 12/21/2012.
- Says God spoke to him and gave him his psychic ability.
- Claims Cassandra (EDS1) was arrested.
- etc. (The download to these calls is in "External Links" along with the other Skype calls)
One day, our beloved EDSingers uploaded a that was loved through out the net. VS discovered this beautiful song and falsely flagged the video and had it taken down. Over Skype, a distraught girl named Cassandra (AKA EDS1) called VS and told him how she was saddened and would hurt herself because of the tragedy he had committed.
—An Upset Cassandra
One day, at the realization that he was fighting a lost war, VS decided to make fake propaganda about the secret ED Admin named Ooples being arrested. When the EDiots on Skype caught wind of this news, the initial reply was "Who the fuck is Ooples?" At this point, they had the brilliant idea of having VS's lies bite him in the tankass and tell him that Ooples's was real, his real name was Clyde Cash, that he used to hunt Bosnian war criminals, and that he was coming to get revenge while Skyping with VS.
The following IRC/Skype logs were shown to VS:
One day, for authenticity, the Skype Squad called VS's phone and had someone pose as a angry white guy who says "nigger" a lot, which was meant to be Ooples/Clyde Cash. After leaving two voice messages on his phone, VS joined the Skype conversation and played these message back for everyone and said that he was scared of Ooples, whom he actually claimed to be a black person. After VS left, Skype Squad lol'd hard and called him again and landed a 20 minute conversation between Ooples and VS. Ooples demanded a video where VS apologized to him and Alex Temple. A bitter, crying, VS accepted in exchange that Clyde stop trolling him. VS delivered:
A few days later, the Skype Squad decided to hold their end of Clyde's deal. They brought VS into one final Skype and asked him various questions which proved that VS was a psychic being. They then decided to break the news that they were Clyde Cash. VS responded just as he always does:
Chatlogs with VS
A Skype chatlog can be read here
If you thought this was over then you're a NIGGER
—VS in Letter to Alex
Outraged by the tumorous growth of his EncyclopediaDramatica page and the exceptional news coverage of Alex "Romantic" Temple's Lulz News Network, VampiricSpektor came out of the shadows to strike at Alex with a lustful fury equaled only by the lust for children your step-dad has so delicately acquired. Among other totally reasonable requests, VampiricSpektor also politely asked for the number to Mazzio's Pizza so she could order himself 100 large pepperoni pizzas (feel free to help him out! (918)664-4444)
Letter's to a Young Alex
In the spirit of being able to take a joke, vampiricSpektor sent the two follows letters to Alex "Romantic" Temple.
- Take down the ED page or I will sue you.
- Take down the Buttdance or I will sue you.
- Take down your videos or I will sue you.
- Do not make any new videos or I will sue you.
- Even if you do all this, I will sue you.
- Alex is responsible for every wrong that has ever happened to VS, ever. Seriously.
- Demands a lifetime supply of KFC Double Down's pumped directly into his tits through IV.
Alex's Secret weapon
What VampiricSpektor does NOT know is that alex has a second video, this one dubbed the TIT-DANCE, also known as Operation Blob-Stopper. Should Alex "Romantic" Temple be bothered further/sexually pursued by the Parasitic VampiricSpektor then it shall be released...
—Alex "Romantic" Temple
—Michael-Kun, 10:58AM April 29th, 2010 to Thuzadian. As you can see, the great ham beast is yet again talking out of its massive ass and has no clue how the law actually works.
The drama regarding VS keeps resurfacing and unlike other lolcows continues to cause actual lulz instead of fanbois masturbating to their prey's antics. Nolan-kun is the latest drama to come out of the VS saga. Nolan-Kun is likely the most dedicated troll to have ever existed.
—Nolan-Kun, bringing trolling to a whole new level of dedication
To summarize what Nolan-Kun did was this: Two years before any of this drama started, Nolan-kun discovered VS and realized an epic lolcow in the making. He decided to befriend him and have intimate relations with the whale himself. Normally when one has sex with a fatass they keep it to themselves and likely only did it because they were intoxicated or paid, Nolan-Kun does it with ulterior motives. His purpose was to get the dox of VS as well as some of the hideous videos regarding the sexual shaking of various rolls of fat seen above. Nolan-kun has gained the trust of VS to the point that VS doesn't believe that Nolan-kun is actually doing all of this of his free will and is being brainwashed by his girlfriend who is secretly a troll. Somehow VS has convinced some woman who is clearly hotter than him to become his wife. This goes to show you that there is no excuse for you still being a virgin. According to Nolan-kun's last comment, there will be more drama unfolding shortly.
Gallery Of Trolling
- Generate your own Vampiric-Spektor memes! Damn yourself to a lulzy eternity in HELL!
- Mirror Account
- Download all VS vids here (Up to date as of 4/7/2010)
- Download the EDS1 Calls Here
- Download the Clyde Cash Calls Here
- Download the Final VS Skype Here
His Her Accounts
- - boyfriend's YouTube account
- Fakebook account
- her Xanga Inactive.
- Anime Network Page Restricted
- - Alex Temple's account, with Mirrors of the Malcurian videos.
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|Featured article February 16, 2010|
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