|Born||10 January 1984|
|Education||High School Diploma|
|Occupation||Self-employed programmer, writer, caretaker for an unidentified property as of January 2014|
|Home town||Minot, ND|
|Notable events||The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters|
|Sphere(s) of influence||Ulillillia City|
Ulillillia (uh-li-lilly-uh) (Powerword: Nick Smith) is batshit insane, and nobody knows it more than him. This is evident even in his chosen handle; he explains (see 6.1) that this name in part originates due to him having "a big mental problem": thus, the phrase "ill" appears. Other than that, the letters are in reverse alphabetical order, and its oddity allows him to have no problem signing up for various sites. At first glance, his Youtube channel and website bring nothing to mind except a guy who really enjoys video games, which he is, but there is more to him than maniacally replaying Bubsy 3D. Not much, but more.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
As well as having one of the hardest to read nicknames ever, he also has a web page with more shit on it about absolutely nothing than you can believe. Google web crawlers get lost in there -- page after page after page of blue on black text detailing his neurosis, mathematical habits and hobbies, dreams and daydreams, and the games he plays while he's dreaming or daydreaming. The entire site is a long slow burn of lulz for the refined Internet gentleman who enjoys the more sublime nature of autism on the web. And remember: HE HAS FANS.
(Sadly he pulled the site down in 2017, so you will have to make do with whatever archive.org may have saved.)
One of the best pages on his site enumerates his list of fears. One of the most interesting aspects of Ulillillia's character is the fact that he realizes his fears are unfounded. He does not try to justify or rationalize them; he knows they have no basis in reality.
- Mirrors - Origin unknown, even to Ulillillia. His fear of mirrors has caused many problems for him, not the least of which was an incident in July of 2008 involving his parents and a then-recently installed bathroom mirror.
- "#12 Bathroom troubles - parents + mirror: Years ago, the main bathroom was rebuilt. It was in great need of it - the floor was weak and you could almost fall through it, especially in the areas near the toilet. As kids, me and my sister occasionally and deliberately flooded the bathroom. Then, around 6 years ago or so, my parents rebuilt the bathroom, including the floor. They rearranged everything. They got this one big mirror and placed it so that it was directly in front of the toilet. I warned them not to put it there, but they refused. I knew that later on down the road, arguments about it would occur and I'd keep saying "unblock it first" when they tell me to use it instead of the master bedroom's bathroom. This continued on for years, but usually only two to four incidents per year and nothing major. Then, along came July for 2008.
- I got into a heated argument over it, the worst of all that I can recall. These actually continued for 2 or 3 days, longer than ever before. I began using my tricks to sort of "sneak it in" and this went for only 2 days. As I frequently had in my mind drifts (not my mind game), I often stated of the parents having three options. The first was to simply get rid of the mirror. It'd be the easiest and most trouble-free. The second would be to move it, as a recommended. The third would be to do nothing but let me use the then-current bathroom I was using. After getting into trouble over this, I, literally, avoided going to the bathroom. I drank a lot less than usual and I ate a lot less. At one point during the argument, I had thoughts of actually busting the mirror and I've busted many before that have blocked access to important areas (including the phone). The parents put curtains over it as an attempt, but that's nowhere near good enough."
- Stairs - Ulillillia does not walk up stairs, instead he scales them, as if they are an insurmountable hill. This also involves a catapult-like use of his backpack, which might provide him with inertia. Allegedly, he has no trouble going down stairs, and no trouble with stairs whatsoever in his Mind Game.
- Chairs - His fear of chairs is particular, as booths and couches are considered acceptable. His fear of chairs is a x6 + 5 inhibitor of getting a job. Doing the mundane and repetitive office work that would best suit his personality is an impossibility, because he could not sit up in one of their chairs. His suggestion for businesses who may be looking to hire him is to move the set-up to the floor.
- Unfamiliar silverware - He cannot use silverware with a widening handle. He can only use forks, spoons, and knives which have a straight handle.
- Spotty dishes and dirty clothes - Self-explanatory. This is a very common problem for people with OCD.
- Waiting in line - This fear originated in elementary school. Ulillillia was bullied frequently in school, so he tried his best to avoid having anyone behind him in line in fear of being harassed from behind (kids spitting at the back of his head, etc.). He allowed anybody who got on line after him to take his place.
- The words "Person" and "People" - Ulillillia has a chronic fear of these two words. The origins of this fear are with a cartoon which has not been named. Ulillillia recalls a character exclaiming, "Save my people!" As such, he now fears the word and its singular form. Your guess is as good as ours.
- Inevitably, being common words, Ulillillia has faced many struggles against their use. In particular, he remembers seeing them in homework questions and exams in school. Ulillillia's response was to scribble over the words until pencil markings completely hid them from view. How his teachers reacted to this is an ambiguity.
- Whistling - Ulillillia cannot handle the sound of a person whistling. To the best of his recollection, he believes this is because he was forced to whistle during a song in an elementary school music class, much to his disdain. If he hears a person whistling, he will request that that person stop. If they continue, he will ask one more time. If the person continues to disregard Ulillillia's compulsive needs, he will leave earshot.
- 22 - Ulillilllia considers this number to be bad luck for him.
- Blue Water - This fear originated from Ulillillia's incessant gaming as a child.
- Indoor plumbing and bottled water were harmless "white water."
- This did not help the fact that he has a Motive of -30 for showering.
- Indoor plumbing and bottled water were harmless "white water."
- Ketchup and mustard bottles - They remind him of the dangerous lava found in Metroid. In the elementary school lunch room, he was always sure to remind his classmates not to touch the deadly condiments.
- Sun-lit ground - Same deal.
- Grass - He often related this in his mind to video game "spikes." Playing at a friend's house, Ulillillia recalls being knocked down into a grassy area. Believing he would be killed, he remained still in the grass to await his fate. This is also how he overcame the fear.
- Shadows - He believed shadows were enemies, and making contact with one would case him to lose "health." In the school yard, he often found himself running and jumping about to avoid being touched by people's shadows.
Ulillillia plays a mock video game in his mind, and will periodically trance out to do so (which is stated as one of many reasons he did not have a driver's license until 2017 when he purchased a 2017 Chevy Cruz). He has painstakingly laid out the details for us all.
He began playing his mind game when an enemy of his went on vacation in the Bahamas. Ulillillia tried to imagine what it was like there, so he created a mental image of what it might be like. He began to imagine himself (in 8-bit form) running around on a pixelated beach decorated with palm trees and other tropical fauna. As of his twenties, he plays it constantly. He frequently finds himself zoning out during his mundane activities to imagine himself flying around mountains and other pleasant environments.
He has actually written a program that is supposed to give us all "a taste" of what his mind game is like on his website. He is under a strong impression that normal people strive for the habit of leaving conversations and other social interactions to think of 8-bit mountains.
- It should be noted that he has no trouble walking in front of mirrors in his mind game.
Ulillillia keeps an online record of all the dreams he's ever had since 2001. Every dream is rated in each of the following: general, nature, story, scenery, fun, scary, weird, and imagery. Every dream is then categorized in one of the following:
- Mud dreams - Dreams about large quantities of mud (occasionally quicksand). He notes these to be his favorites.
- One notable dream in this category featured Ulillillia wading in a seemingly endless lake of pure mud along with four other people he had never seen before. This excited him. He notes this dream to be his favorite overall and is, evidently, the dream that started his online journal.
- Video game dreams - Dreams about video games.
- Water dreams - Dreams about water. Dreams about blue water, however, automatically go in nightmares.
- Nightmares - Scary dreams. Often involve mirrors or blue water.
- Travel dreams - Dreams about traveling. This category is, by far, the largest.
- Uncategorized dreams - Dreams Ulillillia can't find a category for.
- Weird dreams - Dreams he considers to be weird.
- One notable dream in this category featured Ulillillia locked in an epic battle with a ferocious lizard in a pet store. He notes defeating it with the help of numerous magical spells.
- Fun dreams - Dreams he considers to be fun.
- Computer dreams - Dreams about zeros and ones.
- School dreams - Dreams about Ulillillia's old schools.
- Exploration dreams - Dreams about exploring unknown lands.
His dream log can be found here.
Showers are Rare
Another long list of personal problems. In it he cites among other things his detailed reasons for rarely showering. His lack of desire to shower is a real Ouroboros, as he states that his Motive for showering would go up exponentially if he had somewhere to go, but he is unable to get a job in part due to his unwillingness to shower (the other part being his refusal to sit in a chair).
When it comes to food, Ulillillia is quite picky. According to him, he used to eat a wide variety of foods in his younger years, but as he aged, his menu narrowed. As of today, his diet consists entirely of:
- "Degreased" cheese pizza
- Hamburger Helper (without the hamburger)
- Snack Foods (chips, cookies, crackers, etc.)
Due to Ulillillia favoring artery-clogging food, he has gone through problems with his weight. At age 18, he found himself to weigh approximately 220 lbs. And what did Ulillillia do about this? Rather than doing something normal and exercising for the first time ever, he began using a technique he calls "degreasing." From then on, before consuming his pizza, he would take several napkins and use them to absorb the grease from the pizza. Through some miracle, Ulillillia lost 85 pounds from this process. We are left to wonder how the fuck this happened, considering he never leaves his house. Other aspies have raging arguments about him as to whether the weight loss occurred due to the reduced grease of the pizza, or simply that the degreasing process made eating such a pain in the ass that more often than not, he just didn't bother.
Nowadays, due to Ulillillia's busy schedule, he has very limited time for eating and now eats only one meal each day. However, if there is no pizza or Hamburger Helper available, he will simply go without eating for that day. That's our Ulillillia!
- Fun Fact: Ulillillia has not eaten a single morsel of meat since 2005. He even rants about it on YT occasionally.
Ulillillia had some vaguely humanoid imaginary friends growing up, all of whom had special powers. His three main besties were:
Out of all his imaginary friends, two still remain with him: Speed and Knuckles. Ulillillia has noticed that he is long past the age at which it is normal to have imaginary friends. One of his explanations for these two still remaining for him is that they may be "guardian spirits" sent from the heavens above to protect him from danger (mirrors, water, ketchup bottles, etc.).
You can read about the rest of the gang here.
Interests Outside of Video Games
Ulillillia claims to have interests outside of video games. They consist of:
- Uno: Survive the Flood*
- Mind Game*
- Dice Game*
- Wikipedia editing
Items marked with an asterisk are games which he has created.
- January 10, 1984: Ulillillia enters our world.
- Ulillillia finds he has some trouble remembering certain things about his childhood. Usually, his Mind Game will jog his memory, and remind him of formerly forgotten aspects of his life.
- Although, he does seem to remember playing video games since age four.
Elementary School Blues
- Young Ulillillia was told to "drop it" every time he brought up blue water, and the inherent dangers thereof, on his school bus.
- He did not enjoy his school's lunchtime rule that the children eat three different foods, and in protest would only consume eight cubic centimeters of food (exact measurements taken with ruler). Even as a young child, he was precise in his neurosis.
- Ulillillia develops his fears of grass, whistling, condiments, shadows, sunlight, and waiting in line.
- Ulillillia began his hobby of making buzzing noises immediately after hearing someone say the word, "cool".
- It is noted that he has recorded almost every time he has done this.
- By the end of 3rd Grade, he estimates that one in every thirty students was a bully to him. In 5th grade, this number increased to one in sixteen students, bringing his Exact Bully Total to 30. His compatibility with this was -450.
- In 6th grade, Ulillillia began taking special classes. He notes that the desks were quite strange; you opened them by lifting the top, much like "the lid covering the scanner of a copying machine". It should be noted that the carpets for this room were of 80 brightness, on average.
- There was a points system in place for good behavior; Ulillillia enjoyed this, and the sodas that his sweet disposition garnered.
- Although he rarely found himself in the "Time-Out" room, he did enjoy spending the moments he spent in there, playing his favorite game: Hit-A-Bump. Hit-A-Bump, of course, involved throwing things -such as flash cards- short distances.
- He once spent upwards of two hours in the room for refusing to eat the pudding his school served. According to Ulillillia, "the pudding was good," but the spoon provided failed to meet his requirements.
- In 7th grade, he was given the responsibility to choose whether or not he'd eat. He often chose not to do so at all, as the food options were not always degreased cheese pizzas or Hamburger Helper WITHOUT the hamburger.
- The weight-lifting room was located beyond a labyrinth of mirrors, rendering him incapable of entrance.
- Related: Ulillillia weighs 145 pounds.
- In 7th grade he began to walk up stairs in his unique fashion, scaling them as one would while climbing a vertical surface. Prior to this year, he was able to walk up stairs as one normally would.
- In school, he found it easier to use his backpack to catapult himself up a flight (how he did this will never be known).
- He notes that he has no trouble climbing stairs in a normal fashion in his mind game.
- In 8th grade, he discovered that granite is one of his favorite substances.
- By the end of middle school, he calculates that his bully count was over 50.
- In high school, he discovered his "charge" technique, which in football helped him run at a maximum of 15 MPH.
- After a freshman year full of misery and strife because of bullies and mirrors and mirror-bullies, he transferred to an entirely different special school.
- This special school also ended in failure, so he began to have his homework mailed to his home.
- This also did not work.
- Eventually, he was allowed to be taught one-on-one, during after school hours. We are left to wonder how his parents managed to pull this off.
- He graduated.
- "When it comes to high school graduation, one would normally think of a fancy prom or party. I'm not exactly sure what a prom is, but have heard about them, seemingly for college. I was unlucky. I never had a graduation party, even though I did get my high school diploma. The teachers were thinking about it, it just never seemed to have happened. Oddly enough, my sister did. I've had nothing but failed parties so far (even birthday parties), the high school graduation party is one of those failed parties."
- He doesn't know what a prom is.
- They're all gonna laugh at you, Ulillillia!
Ulillillia maintain(ed) a Youtube channel, dedicated mostly to videos of him exploiting glitches and discovering bugs in video games that no one remembers. The most prolific of these 273 videos is his overview of the glitches found in Bubsy 3D. He's played this particular game for 500 hours, he estimates. Do not challenge him on his Bubsy expertise, for you will certainly be proven wrong. Anything on his channel that doesn't have to do with video games or his daily mundane life is an anomaly.
Unfortunately kids, Nick has been doing the Ultimate Freakout in the past year or so. He yanked down all his YT videos and his website. Luckily someone made copies of the videos and put them in an archive. So you'll have to be satisfied with some random samples of his past glory, saved by his small and very twisted fan following:
Note: I posted full length version of this video on Dailymotion (you're not missing anything important), to cover the full 15:17.383 length it has. I had to cut it short because YouTube brought back the 15-minute limit that I haven't had for several years.
Ulillillia usually deleted any comments that had bad language, or were otherwise offensive. However, he responds to almost all comments that he considers "appropriate". That is not a call for trolls to dick with Ulillillia; please do not trample this gentle flower and allow him to blossom. And GOOD LUCK finding his new account.
In the autumn of '09, Ulillillia finished work on his literary masterpiece, The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters, and had it published by vanity-press site Lulu. As is typical of such arrangements, the publisher requires a finished product and supplies no editing, typesetting, art, or for that matter any other kind of support. U-dogg therefore not only wrote the text but also handled the typography, interior illustrations, and cover art. The arrangement is probably ideal for his needs; books are printed on demand, so there's no initial press run, the publisher holds no inventory, and setup costs are nonexistent or close to it.
The plot is based around his imaginary friend Knuckles, a wizard-type character capable of powerful spells, as he
undertakes an epic quest to defeat an evil force that pursues the Elemental Masters God-modes his way through the book. When a character dies, Knuckles immediately resurrects them. When a building is destroyed, Knuckles casts "undo". You'd think that an interest in writing strong enough to see a book all the way through from concept to press should qualify for listing in the previous section as an "interest outside of video games" (because face it, that's a tremendous amount of work regardless of content) -- but you would be wrong. The book basically is a video game. Detailed diagrams show the positions and moves characters use to accomplish things like fighting or flying (think UP-DOWN-UP-DOWN-LEFT-LEFT-JUMP like, well, a video game), and everything in the world is spelled out with the kind of excruciating precision needed to program it.
Consider this excerpt from the first page:
- Knuckles resembles a human, but with differences. Knuckles is neither male nor female, though referred to as a "he." Three-quarter-inch-thick dark-violet-colored (FFA000E0) fur covers his entire body. He is only 25 1/3 inches tall, 4 inches wide, and 2.5 inches deep. Knuckles gets his name from his large hands, 40% bigger than a human his size would have. A reflective, glittery, greenish (FFA0FF00) haze a half millimeter across borders his pupil. Knuckles has no nose and a mouth 2/3 as big. Every other aspect of his is that of what a human would have for his size. For details on the numerical colors (in parenthesis), see Appendix 5.
Yes, he spells out colors (in hexadecimal, of course) as 8 bits of alpha channel followed by 24 bits of R, G, and B for the full 32-bit value. It is a relief to know that Knuckles, with alpha FF, is fully opaque. Since Knuckles is two feet tall and covered in fluorescent purple fur highlighted in retina-melting green with no nose, no sex, and gigantic hands (with a mouth apparently 2/3 the size of the nose he doesn't have -- I don't get it either, but hey) you have to wonder what something that didn't resemble a human would look like. In fact, almost anything that can be quantified mathematically in the book is done so:
—Knuckles battling a lightning elemental
The book is, for anyone familiar with his mind game, an insight into exactly what it's like for Ulillillia when he plays it. Yes, exactly, because much like a test firing of the LHC, it would take teams of scientists months to analyze the raw mathematical data contained in the book and work out what the fuck is going on. Don't let that put you off, though. There are other signs that The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters is a physical gateway to the mind of Ulillillia - all the main characters are obsessed with pizza, and yes, they degrease it.
Ulillillia's writing style, lack of outside editing and critiquing, and general Ulillilliatic essence of being also manages to produce some hilarious dialogue:
—Ulillillia, master troll?
As of December 2011, the book is available for $17.95 (before shipping) and may be purchased from Lulu here. It offers a unique glimpse into the workings of one of the more interesting minds of our era; the cover art alone is worth the price of admission.
You should also order in the book at your local/school library. Just ask for ISBN 978-0-615-34813-1. Ulillillia will get paid every time you (or one of the many people you recommend the book to) loan it out.
Documentary film (Yes, really)
A documentary about Ulillillia, and the flooding of his home town of Minot during the spring of 2011, has been created. The trailer, for your viewing pleasure-
According to the makers, if the film is successful enough, they'll take him on a sweeping tour of the US.
As of January 2014, Ulillillia works as a building caretaker, which has apparently tripled his income. His duties include vacuuming and scrubbing walls in a mirror and chair free environment. As of 2017 he is employed as a Walmart Associate. Somewhere in the Dakotas.
Comparison to Chris-Chan
One might say that Ulillillia can be compared to Chris-Chan in a number of ways. For one, both of them quite clearly have something very wrong with them and neither of them are going anywhere in life. However, Ulillillia differs from Chris-Chan on some key qualities, and he is the polar opposite of ExoParadigmGamer.
Ulillillia and Chris-Chan both show interests in video games, and few outside that field. This is true to a certain extent; they both love Sonic the Hedgehog. However, make no mistake--even in this, major differences can be seen. They view their gaming consoles in very different ways.
Chris, as we all know, obsesses over his video games out of pure fandom. And, as is evident in his comics, he plays his games only for their content. Ulillillia, on the other hand, seems to only enjoy video games for their coding and relation to mathematics. A perfect example of this is in their videos, compare:
Take note of what you just saw. Notice how Ulillillia's video was solely dedicated to explaining his discoveries in of one of his favorite games, while Chris-Chan's video focused on the custom content he made in the game (Chris-Chan's video was also mailed to Nintendo). You may also want to take notice of how Chris-Chan brings up his own life numerous times in the video, making it quite clear that he just wants the world to know about his own pathetic life and how he spends it. Ulillillia, on the other hand, expresses humility in that his video was just a simple, humble one to exploit glitches, and something some people may find interesting. In short, Ulillillia actually takes into consideration what people think, whereas Chris-Chan is a narcissistic pretentious fuck.
Ulillillia and Chris-Chan also differ in their aspirations. Chris often expresses his yearning for a female partner and tries (with miserable results) to obtain one through the daring exploits of Sonichu, probably the stupidest idea ever conceived by man. Not only this, but he constantly attempts to fill the empty hole left by the absence of a woman in his life by masturbating furiously to horrendously produced Rule 34 that he drew himself. Ulillillia, however, has shown no interest in ever having a woman in his life. Ulillillia is actually aware that his mental problems and obsessions in gaming would be found repulsive to women. Chris, however, shows no shame in showing his bedroom, filled to the brim with children's merchandise, to the world and still wonders why he has never had a girlfriend.
Ulillillia and Chris-Chan also have shown that they would like to have their own video games. Ulillillia has been spending the last few years of his life in front of his computer screen, building his game from scratch, armed only with his knowledge of coding and mathematics. Chris-Chan's best attempt so far has been sending letter upon letter to Nintendo, essentially begging them to make a game based on his comics. Ulillillia works diligently to achieve his goals, while Chris falls to his knees and begs other people to achieve those goals for him.
Unlike Chris-Chan, Ulillillia has actually proven to the world that he is capable of something. In autumn of 2009, Ulillillia published The Legend of the 10 Elemental Masters. While the book itself may not be so impressive (considering pretty much every douchebag who sees himself as a great writer has written one), Chris will never achieve anything remotely similar.
As mentioned earlier, Ulillillia and Chris-Chan both suffer from mental illnesses that prevent them from behaving like normal human beings. Chris-Chan is a high-functioning autistic, which makes him socially inept. Ulillillia is also socially inept, but contrary to popular belief, Ulillillia has neither autism nor Asperger's Syndrome. Ulillillia has confirmed this himself. He has seen professionals and has been diagnosed with Obsessive-compulsive disorder. You're probably thinking, "Hey, that's not true. I know what OCD is, I watch Monk. OCD just makes you really neat and tidy," in which case, you're a fucking idiot. While it is true that OCD can cause its victims to obsess over neatness and things of the like, it is not the only way in which the disorder manifests. "Obsession" in the OCD sense is also distinct from intense interest, affinity or preference (though Ulillillia certainly has these, too). Obessions are driven by severe discomfort or fear, and are involuntary, and often at odds with the self-image of the sufferer - who tries to dispel and relieve them by performing compulsions, which has the negative effect of feeding back into the cycle of fear and strengthening the obsession. Ulillillia has a severe case of OCD, to a point at which his mental problems are almost surreal. OCD also doesn't necessarily make someone batshit eccentric, lots of normies have it, so speculation on an explanation of Ulillillia's unique oddities is not entirely misplaced. There is also a related but distinct condition called "Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder", but whether or not Ulillillia has it is conjectural..
Ulillillia is not an aspie. (However, he will be referred to as one for our own convenience)
Enjoy It While It Lasts
- Ulillillia City (down, archive
- Ulillillia's YouTube Channel (down, archive)
- He decided he didn't like Google in 2015 so he started posting to Facebook instead. And gave up quickly when they demanded "verification".
- Newer videos were posted to DailyMotion. It reveals he moved back to Minot in 2015. Where is he now? Who knows?
- Buy the Book! It reads more like a technical manual than a novel. Fair warning, it's unreadable.
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|Featured article February 9, 2010|