Twilight (pronounced "toilet") or Why Mormons Shouldn't Write Vampire Fiction, along with its cash-cow sequels New Moon, Eclipse (also known as Sparklequeers versus Furfags), and Breaking Dawn, are a series of gay vampire romance Harry Potter fan pulp fiction triple-ply rolls of bath tissue that appeal to the tiny minds of 16 year old girls, vampirefags, werewolf story fanbois, and, of course, Jews.
Full of one-dimensional characters and completely devoid of originality, the series is comparable to reading the scribblings and shit stains of an epileptic downie coloring while a strobe light is being shone in its face. It has been rumored that when the first copy of Twilight came off the press, Joyce, Twain, and Faulkner all simultaneously shit themselves from beyond their respective graves.
The book series is easily the worst thing to hit the werewolf genre since furries, and the worst thing to happen to vampires ever. The entire series of books and movies, which would have been better as a one season television series on Lifetime then forgotten, have no redeeming value to speak of as either literature or cinema, and should be avoided like The Black Plague.
If you want to know just how horrible Twilight is, it's worse than Tara Gilesbie's masterpiece My Immortal, because My Immortal was funny. Twilight just makes small children cry. The maddening thing is that Twilight isn't rotting on fanfiction.net like it should be, but making shitloads of cash which funds its BBW author's lard ass with twinkies and ho ho's. The author is listed in Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People for catering to the fantasies of 16 year old girls who wouldn't know a good book if it raped them in the ass. Twilight also supports pedophilia, necrophilia, incest, bestiality and babyfuck.
But most importantly, Twilight is a foolproof blueprint for you sick fucks out there to tap that jail-bait ass you've been stalking for months. Proven to work better than candy and a van with tinted windows, also cheaper than roofies with twice the brain damage.
The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, where instead of raping the living shit out of victims and actually doing what made vampires notable in the first place, they live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun. Although many will claim that they are vampires, a close examination of the physical symptoms this species exhibits (thirst for blood, superhuman physical condition, good looks, fashion sense) reveal the truth. Edward and his ilk are not actually vampires, but self-loathing class-eight faggots in the later stages of infection.
The majority of the books consist of drawn-out shit dialogue so bad one might consider it having been discharged from Meyer's filthy cooze itself. Each chapter plays out its own little drama-filled emo role-playing session, with more than half of each consisting of characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, and raising eyebrows during vapid and angst ridden logorrhea. The stories are written in the first person, from Bella Swan's point of view - but since she's an insipid cunt, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, a self-loathing, fudge-packing, fairy emo vampire and a date-raping pedophile werewolf, you get the gist of the series. Basically it's a Fap Fest for fat Emo cunts who will never get laid.
—Meyer, responding to "Don't burn it, return it"
Also known as Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, and "holy shit, do you really need more twinkies and ho-hos?". This book will be the same old stupid pigshit from the first Twilight, only told from Edward's perspective (oh, the originality), undeniable proof that Meyer is not only shameless, but also lazy and fat; she gets to recycle all her old dialogue, change a few verbs and nouns and write approximately 2% of a new book. This book plus the following Twilight Guide and the movie companion version of the book just prove that Stephenie is just milking these fangirls for all they're worth (and they deserve it for being so basic and stupid to actually like this shit).
Midnight Sun is notable only for the fact it demonstrates beyond a doubt that Bella is going to dump Edward's limp undead dick for Alice's sweet, stone cold pussy at some point.
—Alice, proving she is bicurious
—Alice, failing to explain what that is, exactly.
—Edward, explaining the plot of Twilight 5-Moonlight Rug Munch.
August 28, 2008: Midnight Sun leaks onto the interwebs. A butthurt Stephenie Meyer writes about how the leak saddens her on her website. The culprit of the breach isn't some l337 hacker, but in a true showcase of stupidity, Meyer herself. She's been throwing around unfinished drafts like they were confetti, even giving one to the guy who plays Edward (an American makeup designer who is popular with prepubescent females) in the shitty movie adaption of Twilight so he could "better understand his character." Which for an actor is pretty insulting, even if Robert Pattinson has the charisma and emotional range of a carboard box. Rpattz most likely leaked the manuscript in retaliation of being stuck playing a character he hates. Someone needs to call the WAAAAHMBULANCE! There is now a Publish Midnight Sun (PMS) Petition full of illiterate aspie fangirls bawling and begging for Midnight Sun in caps lock.
—Stephenie Meyer, finally having a good idea.
—Stephenie Meyer, apparently not realizing that if someone wanted to experience Midnight Sun, they could read Twilight.
|Isabella Swan||<3<3<3Edward Cullen<3<3<3||Jacob Black||JACOBS CHEST||Secondary Characters|
Completely unlikable in every sense of the word. Seriously, even most Twifags hate her. Bell is the dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but a self-insertion for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful", so her name actually means "beautiful swan". Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to make Bella's relationship with Edward normal, Meyer makes Bella unable to live without her 'hawt' boyfriend, thus the plot for New Moon. Not only does Bella obsess over her perfect, no-personality boyfriend, but all she wants from him is sex, sex and MOAR SEX. Four 500 page books full of shit just so Bella can have sex with her god-like possessive, abusive, faggot boyfriend. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself, which goes so far as to describe the shape of her mouth and once again testifies to her fail.
The vampire of Bella's affection, he is at least a hundred years old and is a vegetarian vampire and a pretty cool guy since he abstains from eating humans, but pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat/dog as you are reading this! There is no moment when he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who considers doing her, including Jacob Black. What fans of Twilight seemingly fail to realize is that such qualities (overbearing possessiveness, watching Bella while she sleeps and so on) are more often found in sex offenders than the perfect man. Such things can apparently be ignored/forgiven when love is supposedly involved. Edward can also read people's minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat at Yu-Gi-Oh. However, he can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. He also sparkles like a faggot in teh sunlight, OMG! What people don't know about him is that he is Dracula's reject, Downie, faggoty ass son.
A Native American, werewolf, pedophile and angst-ridden teenager with a massive sex drive, self-proclaimed mechanic and local furry. Jacob is also an obsessive stalker and fanboy over Bella, and faps to her with his tiny native cock whenever no one is looking while crying hysterically about the evils of the White Man. His lust for Bella conflicting with Edward's equally-powerful horniness for her causes Twilight fans to engage in senseless wars with each other, leading to mass internet butthurt and many gay emo tears. One half of the fan-base raves, complete with the Hellish screeches of acne-infested fangirls, that Bella is going to marry Jacob; the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels. Also, Jacob Black (as well as all the other injuns, who are also all werewolves – as is pertinent to their savage nature) is a little less perfect than the other flat characters in this fly-blown shit heap of a "book". Some intelligent people not obsessed with Edward's sparkly disco balls or Jacob's furry, tanuki pedo balls say that this is because Meyer is a Mormon (as well as a moron), and thus racist. In the fourth book, Jacob falls in love with Bella's newborn mutant spawn of a daughter. But its ok cause he doesn't think of her sexually yet. Obviously, Smeyer has no morals, as Edward was already a pedo, and Jacob becomes one as well.
"Nessie" Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was nicknamed after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen and for entirely obvious and pertinent reasons that are relevant to the storyline, it has an extra chromosomal pair, making it a half-human, half vampire as well. Many lulz are had at this, as anyone with even the most rudimentary understanding of biology knows that an extra chromosomal pair results in Down's Syndrome, not hybrids. According to the author of this shit storm, vampire + human = hybrids (see The Munsters) because FUCK YOU SCIENCE.
Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; which is ironic since vampires aren't supposed to age, so it proves the author doesn't even know her own subject of writing. Its soon-to-be-husband Jacob Black only has to wait seven years to commence the fucking.
Her name is pronounced "Ren-smee" (or "smeg-ma"), despite what legions of twitards would otherwise tell you.
Alice Cullen is Edward's perky step-sister who has the nifty ability to predict the future, which, like Edward, allows her to cheat on game shows. She very much enjoys throwing parties like her long lost brother Corey Delaney. She is said to resemble Taylor Swift, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Amy Winehouse. Along with moving like a gazelle and routinely dancing across the cafeteria - literally - Alice is said to rival even the toughest of the tough. Fangirls like to think that she, along with her God-like step-brother Edward, can and will kill Chuck Norris. This is the biggest example of a lie in the history of mankind, even more untrue than the cake.
Jasper is a HALE. His most notable feature for the first 2 books is that he is apparently the love of Alice's life. Like Edward and Alice he has some sort of power but it's pretty crappy compared to the other two. Amazingly he is the most emo of the family (more than Edward) because in his dark past he acted like a real vampire and actually killed people. He also has a very big penis and loves to sing some songs about the confederacy. As a southerner at heart, Jasper is known for participating in acts of incest with his brothers and sisters in his past lives, and, naturally, in this life.
Rosalie HALE is a spoiled slutty blond whore whose family was apparently very well off during the Great Depression because her dad owned a bank. They were able to maintain their well being of course by stealing money from the bank accounts of their clients like a bunch of Jews. She only became a vampire after getting raped by her "soon to be" husband, only for her to murder him Kill-Bill style after. Of course, this only moment of awesome in this pile of fail is never expanded on and only mentioned in passing, because that would actually make the story interesting and make Rosalie a pretty cool guy. And we can't have someone better or more interesting that our precious Bella, amirite? So because she is blonde, and doesn't like Bella, she is a flat character that no one cares about and is jealous of Bella-Sue.
Emmett Cullen is often described in the book like a bear. He is in fact the son of a naturalist who, after accidentally giving himself a mild tranquilizer while attempting to knock out a bear, wound up having unprotected sex with said bear. If you can't do the math, this makes Emmett a half breed.
Carlisle Cullen is the local and only doctor because Forks is too much of a hick town to afford more than one. When he first became a vampire he hid away in the London sewers and was a shut-in (mind you it was 300 years before TV was invented.) He then went and spent all his time with the goody goody gay Volturi who kicked him out because he wasn't enough of a real vampire for them. Since he has no actual cool powers of his own he made other vampires to protect him even though half of them were powerless.
Esme Cullen has no reason to exist. She is only there because Carlisle apparently needed someone to fuck on his own time since you're an OMG DORK if you don't have anyone to be with. Spends the majority of the time telling Bella "it's going to be okay" and looking concerned.
The Volturi are composed of three gay men and are highly regarded as vampire royalty despite the obvious fact that they do nothing but hump each other day in, day out and huff jenkem. They also enjoy hunting other vampires and have also been reported to be serial cannibals, even deadlier than Hannibal Lecter as well as that they think that humans, particularly babies, make tasty snacks. The Volturi are also known to frequent gay bars in their spare time and fantasize about raping other vampires such as Edward Cullen and Lestat de Lioncourt.
It should be noted that Twilight haters can be just as full of fail as the fantards. In fact, a shitton of them are basement dwelling fat lolcows whose reasons for hating the books range from thinking Stephenie Meyer has a deep seated agenda to crush the very soul of female empowerment by encouraging romantic union with teh menz and extolling the virtues of motherhood or just pure unbridled butthurt at the series outselling their beloved Harry Potter. (Alternatively, they might be faggoths who are upset that Stephenie Meyer's books don't follow the rules of vampirism set by Anne Rice, whose groundbreaking works are obviously the standard by which all vampire literature must be judged.) In short, the more Asperger's-fueled hatred someone lavishes upon Twilight, the more likely that their reasons for hating it are just as full of faggotry as the fantards' reasons for cumming at the very thought of their favorite prissy pale bloodsucker.
These reverse Twitards often sacrifice innumerable hours of their lives venting their nerd rage through painfully overwrought pseudo-intellectual diatribes about just why Twilight sucks so much sweaty nigger dong... but they somehow manage to fail even THAT and instead just show off what a bunch of misguided little 12 year old furries they are. For examples of such epic fail see this shitfest of a Tumblr post or just lurk TV Tropes for 10 minutes. (PROTIP: lurking TV Tropes for that long might cause you to go batshit insane.)
Stephenie Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, receiving the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, she probably just bullshat her way through every class ever. Instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a wet dream that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the wet dream. The idea for Twilight came in a wet dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later, Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom.
—Stephenie, on her wet dreams.
After being hailed as the next J. K. Rowling by Time Magazine, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: all of Meyer's photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazzercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward's sparkly cock. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married to and Meyer is just there to make money.
It should also be noted that Meyer's taste in music is complete shit, as explained by the fact that she said Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance were inspirations for her as she wrote the series (some shit about 3 Days Grace too). (Here and here, respectively). This explains why so much of the books is spent with the characters angsting about trivial stuff, and proves once and for all that if you read Twilight, you are an emo.
Stephen King is Not Amused by Your Faggotry
To further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, aging hack Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:
—Stephen King, telling it like it is: U.S. Weekend magazine, late January 2009.
—Stephenie responding, apparently forgetful of the fact that she published the book.
—Stephen King's final response
Naturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.
On March 6th, in response to the internet shitstorm made by the interview with Stephen King, USA Weekend started a poll to find out which of three authors (King, J.K. Rowling and Meyer) truly had the biggest spam power. Here's the poll. As of August, King held 70% of the vote as the best of a bad bunch and Rowling held about 25%, leaving Stephenie Meyer the greatest and newest thing since lighting a fart in the dust, with about 5%. Some argue that this just might be because King (and comparatively Rowling) are halfway decent writers while Meyer is a blathering dipshit whose entire literative output consists of elaborations on her fat, sexually frustrated Mormon fantasies.
Stephenie Meyer, the series' author, has been criticized for her portrayal of a weak, helpless female lead who falls madly in love with a man who wants to kill her. Being that she's a Mormon, we can all see where she gets these ideals from. Others disagree and claim that the relationship has fair precedent, citing the common practice of marriages to incarcerated serial killers and the notorious original ending to the movie Terminator. This idea has been backed up by legions of the books' fans, prompting others of the female persuasion to attempt to forcibly remove their extra X chromosome.
Unaware of the popularity of the book series or the insanity of its fanbase, the young actor signed on to play Edward Cullen in a three-movie contract deal in order to hit on to the lead actress. When he found out his mistake, Pattinson took to insulting the book and its author in interviews and appearing in public after long periods of not showering in order to avoid his fans. Of course, this didn't work. There is widespread speculation as to what Pattinson will try next, including possibly gaining 200 pounds and smearing his face with human excrement. We assume that Pattinson's agents are currently negotiating a deviation from the book in the third movie, in which Edward Cullen is unexpectedly killed by Lord Voldemort.
Twilight somehow proved popular enough that a bunch of people made it into a film, which, to the disappointment of many, does not star or feature this guy as Edward. In this abomination of mankind, Rob Pattinson who signed a contract to play Edward fucking Cullen, the book-famous attention man-whore. Fangirls all over the world are bitching and whining about how he isn't in the movie, but we all know that when it comes out they'll go see it anyway and have multiple orgasms when RPattz comes onto the screen, giving extreme lulz or eyeburning to the people who will see the videos of said orgasms on YouTube for weeks to come.
Fucking things up like always, the Americans had to get the cheapest surefire hunk on the market to wet the panties of its fanbase, particularly one who has already established his name with the tweeny market (starring in things with Daniel Radcliffe).
As he was killed off during the final scenes of The Goblet of Fire, Cedric Diggory aka RPattz was looking for anything he could get to tide him over until he got the cheque for the Dali movie. Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into until it was too late and he was signed up for three movies. Send him fan letters with ideas on how to get fired because try as he might it just hasn't happened yet. He might pass your tips on to Kristen Stewart aka Bella, who also wants out.
Utilizing the skills of Catherine Hardwicke, the movie was the biggest piece of shit to hit the screens since The Love Guru, but due to its high numbers of fangirls a sequel was greenlit. New Moon, where NOTHING HAPPENS, is now a movie too.
—Robert Pattinson, quoted for truth
Wow! As if we needed further proof that Twilight is bad for your health, a 23 year old New Zealand "man" died while going to see the third movie in the Twitard sobbuh. It is not yet known whether he was on a deliberate quest to become an hero, but oh the lulz they are delicious. 
As you are probably well aware, Twilight is shit. You may have even read the book ironically and written about how terrible it is on your blog because you're totally original like that. Congratulations, have a cookie.
But inevitably, despite the atrocity to literature that is Twilight, it has still sold over 100 million copies which makes it statistically better than anything you will EVER write down. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. Twilight is the worst literature in existence and you could draw a picture of a fatass jizzing on the face of a goth, and it would still be more artistic, better-written, deeper and just superior to Twilight.
Side note, real men watch Daybreakers, a shit film about, you know, vampires and stuff. Notable for the fact that nothing happens in the first hour of screen time, closely followed by a half-hour segment comprised almost entirely from artistic shots of fake intestines. Also notable for the fact that the vampires fucking explode when killed, and that the only hot girl in the entire film becomes an emo vampire gargoyle and becomes An Hero through self-immolation. Side side note, I am not referring to the loli at the start. Why would you even think that, you sick fuck?
NO MOAR TWILIGHT? :'(
Last Thursday, Stephenie Meyer announced that she was sick of Twilight and had moved on (IE, she'd already gotten as much money and praise from her moronic fans as she needed, so she decided to turn her literature-raping fanfiction to other fandoms). In said interview, she even said she'd kill one of the main three characters if she ever returned to the series. The resulting butthurt from fans was strong, so much so that Meyer was actually forced to respond to them for once. However, even in this response, she said pretty much the same thing, saying the series doesn't bring her much joy anymore. She implies that this is because all the negativity the series has gotten, with critics, other authors, trolls and even fans saying that Meyer is a fucking terrible writer. In other words, she's sad. Another victory for the internet! The best part about all this is that the hard-core fans (such as Nuttymadam3575) are finally being forced to face the truth: Their fap-fest is utter shit, and even the author admits it. Typical of Twilight fans, rather than take this as a wake-up call and move on with their own lives, they choose instead to act all emo and whiny about it. Not that that's a bad thing, as it means more lulz for the rest of us. No suicides have been reported as of yet, but we can all hope that it's only a matter of time.
- Synopsis for those who don't want to read the book
- Typical Twilight merchandise. You must read the reviews.
- Stephenie Meyer's website
- The Twilight Series's official website
- Twilight Lexicon
- Twilight Saga Wiki Read the Top 10 lists, they'll make you LOL.
- Twilight moms forum. Full of 40 year old twitards and insanity.
- CULLENISM IS NOW A RELIGION.
- Cullenism site even has a church.
- Chatroom for Twilight fans. You know what to do
- Twilight-themed cruise. Anyone up for pirating?
- My Life Is Twilight. No, I can't believe it either. Essentially, MyLifeIsAverage.com for Twitards. *SPOILER ALERT* Edward is used frequently.
- Twilight Sex
- Another Twilight chatroom, this one run by a guy who thinks he's invincible to trolling.
- Fuck this prissy shit and go read something that's at least decent
- SatireKnight's chapter-by-chapter mockery of this series, among others
- Bella Walks the Plank
- The Anti-Twilight Movement: Because real vampires don't SPARKLE.
(Baleeted)Disregard that. Still open for lulz.
- A catalog of repeated shit in the book.
- The Psychology of Twilight.
- How Twilight is Destroying America and Harming Our Youth.
- A helpful, enlightening review of Twilight by someone with a brain!
...and another oneand another! *A critique of the entire saga. Baleeted
- Twilight chapter by chapter summary.
- Summarizing the Idiocy: possibly the most accurate summary of all four Twilight books.
- A Fandom_Wank article on the Midnight Sun leak
- Twilight Parodies: "Daybreak" and "The Most Popular Book in the Whole World"
- "Vampire Christ" Funny and accurate short story depicting how Twilight fucked up the vampire genre.
- A bum reviews Twilight: The Movie.
- Anti-Twilight/Twilight Raid coordination wiki
- Stephen King haets Twilight.
- The inevitable porn parody is discovered.
-  IMDb reviews.
- An LJfag's review of Twilight.
- FML edition
- Shitbook says communism is better that Twishit
- If you have to read Twilight, you might as well get shit-faced while you do it.
- The Wolfman "ripped off Twilight"
- The Anti Twilight Act
—Main twilight fanbase
- 16-year-old girl
- Anti-Twilight Movement, the
- Ashley Greene Nudes
- Castlevania We hope the Belmonts will leave Dracula alone and kill Meyer instead.
- Fifty Shades Of Grey - Shitty ripoff of Twilight that's just as fucking retarded, if not more than the shitstain it's based off of.
- Gloria Tesch
- Highgate Vampire, the - totally totally real vampire case with heavy homoerotic tension between antagonists
- Mars Defden
- Mary Sue
- My Immortal by Tera Gilesbie.
- My Life Is Twilight
- Rosario + vampire Edward's cousin Moka star's in her own animu
- Royal Family, The - how to do it properly and get away with it for centuries
- Twilight Sparkle - The cancer is equal to Twilight but with more ponies.
- TwilightSucks - Oh yes it does!
- Vampires Suck - Not as good as you think.
- Yaeba- A great way to show how much of a fan you are!
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|Featured article December 23, 2008|