After being flushed out of its nest, it disabled comments and eventually deleted its account. It was tracked to its new lair the next day and Anon went batshit crazy, creating multiple threads to announce this curious man/bird's discovery. These lucky few were forever to be known as The Ornitologists.
The species, TsimFuckis (AKA chick3nlittler, Birdman, or Emuboy, or known to its "parents" as Justin Tsimbidis of Corona, NY), is a plentiful ration of rage whose physical body also doubles as a casket. Many will lay their eyes upon TsimFuckis with pity; many, I'm sure, have cried for its discomfort, for its humiliation; surely, dozens of churches have prayed for its soul; many a life has left its presence feeling strangely elated, relieved; many an ego has been boosted. These are only speculations. What is known for sure is that God is a very cruel entity—that is, if souls are given out to every Tom, Dick, and John; midgets, cripples, and black persons; fatties and fags; and women.
As a self-proclaimed Juggalo (which will be known as "mistake number two", number one was being conceived), it makes an effort to take some time out of each day to address the haters and bitchez. Its wigger antics and cookie-cutter HARD persona are not laughable because they are seemingly incongruous with its "tweety-bird" appearance—they are laughable because they will inevitably absorb into the personality of anyone who has ever viewed MTV for more than three consecutive hours, and do not necessarily need to be accompanied by flashy hoes, rims, grills, bling, a sex life, non-related parents, or a normal human body with fully functioning organs. It is said to be believed that it is either the only survivor left of the April 6th, 1986 Chernobyl disaster or the result of an experiment gone horribly wrong during the Holocaust which made Anne Frank immortal while sacrificing her vagina. It has been a sought-after refugee by the KoolKidzKlub, or more commonly known as the K.K.K., who offer it an easy way out—burning on a cross!!!!!!
Every dead celebrity on the face of the Earth understood one simple rule: take what you've been given naturally and exploit yourself dry. Commonly, these assets include beauty, wealth, talent, and charisma. TsimFuckis understands its God-given assets: a voice to pinch the ear drums of the most hardcore helium junkie, a head two times too small, googly eyes the size of belt holes, awesome pecs, a penis growing out of its spleen region, and a heart full of rage (and disease). Because of its self awareness and its willingness to embrace its deformity, and also the power of attraction (read THE SECRET), it has now, because of the persistent trolling of /b/, closed its YouTube account and has resumed its search for the precious. Hopefully now, like when a cow goes dry in Texas, it'll be taken behind a shed, and shot in between the eyes, (we can pray, that someone is that good a shot).
Alternative Theories on conception
- One theory on this beast's conception was that its parents had sex on top of a barrel of industrial toxic waste while smoking a cocktail of crystal meth, crack cocaine, and fertilizer; and eating copious amounts of Nerf. This seems like the most unlikely theory since ingesting serious amounts of drugs during pregnancy still could not create an ugly little thing like that... unless it was the Nerf.
- Another theory is that
heit was created in a top secret nuclear research facility as a project designed to distract soldiers on the battlefield. The idea was to create such a ugly beast that the soldiers would stop fighting and just start laughing at its weird and strange face, but it has now escaped into the public domain. As we speak, a secret order of SWAT officers is being dispatched to kill the creature, but we just hope they don't start laughing at its blatant attempt at wiggerism.
- A recently noted theory is that this new species was conceived by cross-breeding Big Bird and Elmo. The theory has great validity due to its Big Bird-like appearance and Elmo-like voice which can be explained by Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Indeed, a growing number of people believe that TsimFuckis is indeed the love child of Big Bird and Elmo from Sesame Street.
- Alien from outer space? This seems like a likely theory but please take into account the fact it has the mental IQ of a carrot and I doubt anyone that smart would be able to develop/fly a ship capable of interstellar transport. (Unless of course it's parents shoved it into a rocket and blasted it off into space where it just managed to land on Earth instead of going directly into the sun.)
- God was dicking around in his IRL Photoshop.
- It was born as a normal child (still mentally retarded though) and got its face crushed inside a vice or got wedged in between two hambeasts.
- All of the above.
A video of his birth:
It didn't take long until 50% of /b/tards got pissed off with its boner-destroying image getting posted on /b/ every 5 minutes. To get revenge for their preciously wasted fapping time, a swarm of raging /b/tards took off and stung its ass, smearing its info all over 4chan. The phone calls poured into the Fuckis residence. It was angry, its mother was pissed, and so it continued for a few lulzy hours. After all was said and done, Anonymous gouged another goatse hole into their victory belt as the fuckwit proceeded to tear down its YouTube and MySpace accounts.
Epic victory was averted, however, as 4chan's cancerous tumor ruptured open and spewed forth a wave of unfunny newfag anti-lulz over the otherwise delicious cake of win. Shortly after the birdlike semi-aborted fetus closed its accounts newfags decided to mirror all of its videos across YouTube and declare TsimFuckis the reigning "King of /b/". Currently, it has been decided that TsimFuckis is still just a nigger wannabe. Kingship of the cesspool still remains a moot subject.
King of /b/
—Some fag that would like a shovel through tsimwahtefuckis head.
Diagnosis By Retards
The consensus among The Doctors of the Internet is that TsimFuckis has Progeria: a disease that makes kids age faster than normal, dying of old age by 10. Justin is considered ancient amongst Progeria think-tanks because he is 16 years old.
Real doctors also add that TsimFuckis actually has Hutchinson-Gilford syndrome which
doesn't cause premature death means he probably won't live much past 13 is the same thing as progeria, so they don't feel "one bit bad" about laughing at Mr. Fuckis' antics and deformities.
Oh, and it also has a PENIS on its stomach. Shit is so cash.
—TsimFuckis – Putting the haterz in their place.
The Reply Video
TsimFuckhead has become a big face on YouTube, both literally and figuratively. Along with the fame it has received while wiggering around in the tubes came some thought provoking views shared by its "homies" in the comment section. Here's what they had to say...
Fuckis Habitat, Likely Origin, and Family Life
When its mother pinched it out, she was quoted by local news as saying:
"Well this isn't really a human, or at least not a completed human, so I don't see why it should require its own bedroom or anything. We can just lock it up in the little closet where we keep all our disused, unwanted junk, and put a bed in there with a stereo and VCR so it doesn't get bored. If we have company over we can just pretend the room is being quarantined on account of a vermin problem, which is in part true anyway."
She also added:
"I am unable to locate the father, as I am no longer on speaking terms with my mother's side of the family, but since we will just feed it table scraps out of a bucket, and probably just dress it in the clothes we have taken from all the Disney plush merchandise we have around the house, support payments can likely be kept to a minimum."
In its little room its mother, or the one commonly attributed with producing it anyway, pipes in a constant stream of wrestling programs from 1994, sports, and pop music, which has resulted in the strange, semi-retarded mentality it exhibits in its videos. This information is only pertinent to clarify the situation, as its physical condition rarely is accompanied by mental disabilities. For it this came in the early childhood development, compounded by a nearly exclusive diet of Kraft Dinner leftovers.
Finally, it should be noted that with wrinkles that come with old age and/or a suntan, it will transform itself into a Klingon.
TsimFuckis would like to give a shout out to some fuckers, some diggers, chicken little, if you know what it's saying. Within one week of this article having been written, TsimFuckis will have appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Maury, and Good Morning America. In another week, TsimFuckis will have been adopted by a big rich CEO under the guise of having been discovered. It will be coerced into recording a music compilation, most likely shadowing the kind of outdated music it subscribes to. It will sell poorly, and will be given as this year's most casual impulse-buy gag gift, which after listening to the first two tracks, would become an ash tray/beer mat/door stop/cannon fodder.
TsimFuckis' relation to The Carebears, the Quincy's, and Link
It was recently discovered that TsimFuckis is most likely Professor Coldheart after escaping into the real world. Regardless of this, it is rumored that it will be starring in an upcoming live-action Carebears movie as the character itself.
It has also been seen attempting to fire off Quincy arrows or assuming the Link pose. The answer to this is not really up for debate, as nobody actually cares.
The Progerian Itself
- Because of my syndrome a challenger appears!
- You're A Bird
- Justin Futrell – Possible cousin
- Adalia Rose – Confirmed long lost twin
- Queen Kong – Possible mother? (?)
- Gollum – Possible grandfather (?)
- Alan Barnes – Possible great-grandfather?
- Juliana Wetmore – Possible sister (?)
- Brian Peppers – Possible father (?)
- Internet Tough Guy
- IT LIVES!
- – possibly legit Twitter account with recent photo
DELETED! HE'S FUCKING BACK! (Official) deleted, someone else has reclaimed it Its MySpace Closed. "Closed" being the operative word here.
- reddit thread.
- Fake Account created by a troll using it to sell merchindise, lurk moar newfags
- Fake Account
DELETED! Fake account which newfags believe to be the real one but there is zero proof.
- Various TsimFuckis Videos and some extra's.
- (Complete) Mirror Account
- About Tslm (w/pix)
- Bebo fanbase with ZOMG over 100 members! DELETED
- New bebo group
Its top Myspace friends:
- Its main girl
- Team Reckless Member
- Team Reckless' main wigger
- Fat Hispanic
- Emo Hispanic / Has partied with
- Nigger friend
- Ugly Hispanic
- Nigger friend #2
- TsimFuckis calls her "Whitest Girl Eva"
- Another faggot Hispanic friend
- Older nigger female
- Sympathetic MILF
- Some Pikachu loving nigger
- Some cross-eyed whore
- A poorly educated nigger
Its top YouTube friends:
- Yet another wigger (He claims to be TsimFuckis's cousin)...
- Emo wigger?
- One word, MILF.
- The furry nigger.
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|Featured article June 5, 2009|
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