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The Naked Brothers Band

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Nat and Alex enjoying their butt bonding in public

The Naked Brothers Band is Nickelodeon's latest project they shat out in order to make a quick buck on some poor parent whose kids actually find them cool. Basically, it’s four annoying 13-year-old boys and one slutty 16-year-old girl (gang rape anyone?) who thought they had musical talent, so they formed this band. Which really was only formed to sell out and is a huge pile of fail. All their music has the same beat over and over again and are very simple. Honestly, whoever said these kids can sing and perform well needs a punch in the face. Real musical artists feel the same way about the Naked Brothers Band as real cartoonists feel about Family Guy. They are Jonas Brothers wannabes, and you know what THAT means.

How This Abomination Happened

Does alienate mean squeeze boobies?


— Alex being oh so clever and cute after most likely practicing for weeks

So the story goes like this: One day Nat and Alex took a bath together, touched wieners, and after that, they got out and ran around naked in their house screaming “We are The Naked Brothers Band.” Yes, that is completely true and in no way made up. Seriously, look it up. So their billionaire mom Polly Draper went over to Nickelodeon, sucked the presidents of the company's dicks, took a shot in the face and BAM! The Naked Brothers Band was made a show on TV. May God have mercy on our souls.

Meet The Members

Here are the members of The Naked Homos Band. (Previous "joke" deleted for its faggotry.)

  • Nat Wolf: The leader of the band. He wrote and sings most of the songs. He wrote them all when he was like 8-13 which apparently makes him a song writing genius. At some point someone is going to have to point out the elephant in the room and say, “These lyrics suck ass.” Oh, and get this: he says his biggest inspiration are The Beatles. Talk about a real kick in the balls for fans everywhere.
  • Alex Wolf: Perverted little prick who thinks he’s “the bad boy and a rebel.” If you actually call yourself this then there is a 150% chance you definitely are not one. He likes to spend his time staring at his babysitter’s chest implants (his real life cousin is the actress who plays the babysitter, lulz) and skateboarding, which is another thing he fails at. Oh, and did I mention he’s the drummer? No? Oh well, it doesn’t matter, he sucks at it.
Rosalina actually quit the band sometime in season 3. Here she is at her new stripper job “Tits For Tots” just off of I-90
  • Rosalina: The band’s only girl and the bassist. She’s the group's whore who is always ready to get a dick stuck up her pooper except for Nat. She did eventually get together with Nat only to leave on a six month cruise and fuck some French dude which made Nat shit himself, though I’m not surprised. Who would want to do Nat?
  • Qaasim Middleton aka The Token: He’s the black person. He enjoys fried chicken, waffles, watermelons, and grape soda.
  • Thomas Batuello: The obese cellist. Oh yeah, of course they have a cello in their rock band. You know, like KISS and Queen and all the other rock bands.
  • Cooper Piolet: He’s their band manager and handles their money and stuff, which makes sense because he’s a Jew.

There are a shit load of other people too, but who gives a fuck about them?

"Song" Analysis

So you must think to yourself right now, "Come on, they can’t be that bad..." Well let’s look at some of their songs, shall we? The first one here is from their song “Sometimes I’ll Be There”

Sometimes I'll be there, sometimes I won't

And I don't Care it's my house It's my day It's my place so go away But you can stay


—The Naked Brothers Band

So basically they are saying it’s my house so go away. But, you know you should totally stay too. Don’t mind me talking here, I’m just some bipolar whack job. Here’s another great example from the song “Banana Smoothie”

Stay Straight, right now it is

Have faith, getting out of it Feels right, Aloha and Mahalo


—The Naked Brothers Band

What the fuck does that mean? Where are you getting out of? What’s going on right now? What feels right? Do you have a dick up your butt? Please explain. Here’s my favorite one from the song “Why.” Probably as in "Why are you still listening to this crap?"

It wasn’t about the truth, it wasn’t about the lie

It’s just the fact that you made me cry You didn’t even try, I really want to sigh I’m sorry but I have to say goodbye


—The Naked Brothers Band

Apparently, someone told Nat every line in a song has to rhyme, which is probably why he forces them to. Also, you really want to sigh? What, it was too much of an effort to sigh, but it’s cool as long as she knows you wanted to? It basically goes on like this for every song, crappy lyrics to crappy music.

I'm the god of rock and roll

Ill be famous till I'm old


—The Naked Brothers Band

Too bad their show's been cancelled. And god of rock and roll? You've got to be kidding me. I'll just step aside and leave this for someone else.

The Naked Brothers Band video game

Do you think we should check the spelling? Nah, fuck it.

Yes, that’s right, they made a fucking video game. Think Guitar Hero with gay sex and really bad songs. The graphics are as appealing as Goatse, they were too lazy to check their spelling when they made the singing part, and the game is so incredibly easy that anyone could pass on the hardest level of any instrument. It's basically a big pile of fail.

The Fans

Attendance at NBB’s last concert. This is considered a lot of people

Fans? What fans? Who's music taste is so bad they like the Naked Brothers Band? Whatever fans they have, they're typical fans of Kidz Bop

Typical Naked Brothers Band fan
Naked Brothers Band #1 Fan


Really you guys? Really? There are a shit load of people singing their songs on the YooToobe, but they’re mostly 10 and under.

How To Troll The NBB Fans

Effects of a soldering iron shoved in the human rectum

Honestly, it really isn't that hard and can become instant lulz. Just like evey other band out there, there are at least some fan girls and gay fan boys who would sacrifice themselves for Nat and Alex. Here are easy ways to troll them.

  • Tell them Nat and Rosalina will never end up together
  • Talk about Rosalina being a guy
  • Send them to this page
  • Talk about how they'll never amount to anything more than a joke
  • Ask them how much they're being paid to say that they are awesome and that they could use the money.
  • Say that in the song "Banana Smoothie", Nat was not talking about bananas the fruit.
  • Point out the fact that their mom paid Nickelodeon to have her sons be on TV.
  • Say the Naked Brothers Band sucks and then add the words shit, fuck, fag, cock, ass and nazi into the sentence many times until it's illegible.
  • Bring any of the band members sexuality into question

Movies Brought To You By The Mayhem Fucking Forums

In addition to a crappy TV show, The Naked Brothers Band also made Over 9000 TV movies. Here’s the list of them all:

  • Polar Bear
  • Fags Gone Wild
  • Oh She’s Eleven
  • Rape
  • Rape 2: Electric Boogaloo
  • Rape 3: Wrath of Butthurt
  • Rape 4: Convicted
  • Rape 5: Ex Convict
  • Rape 6: Rapin' Again
  • Rape 7: Revenge of the Victims
  • Rape 8: Necrophilia
  • Rape 9: Chris Hansen Fails to Save the Day
  • Rape 10: Chris Hansen Becomes a Hypocrite
  • Rape 11: All Disney/Nickelodeon Gangbang
  • Rape 12: Nat and Alex's European Experience
  • Rape 12.5: Raped in a Car (inspiration for the song "Crazy Car")
  • Rape 12.75: Dream Big, Ride Bigger
  • Rape 12.8433: So big it's painful
  • Dicks without a Bitch: The Movie
  • The Twilight series, That's enough of an insult lulz
  • "Dad, I told Rosalina to sit on my lap while we were both naked..."
  • Death = Forgiveness of Molestation: The Michael Jackson Story
  • (Sing along porno) Let's get naked with the Naked Brothers Band!
  • Wrong Fucking Family: The Charles Manson Story
  • Alex Masturbates
  • No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Pedophile's Journey
  • Naked Brothers Band: Hentai Edition
  • The Naked Brothers Band: Backstage Secrets
  • Fabulous Facial 5: Never Too Young
  • Gayer Than Dane Cook?
  • Talent, Where Art Thou?
  • Take Off the Purity Rings
  • Don't Look Now! But Here Comes a Huge Mexican, Irish, and Black Cumshot!
  • Nat and Alex's Farm House Experience (Featuring cows, pigs, and even horses!)
  • There's Something About Rosalina
  • Scream Real Loud at my Ass!
  • 3 in the Pink 1 in the Stink
  • Fabulous Facial 14.5: Never to old, featuring Cooper's grandmother
  • Pump My Dumper and Call Me Shirley!
  • Jailbait Playground
  • Jailbait Playground 2
  • Jailbait Playground 3, the Untold Story (It should be noted that the dad is a main character here)
  • Back Seat Boner Bangin' with Alex, in the Crazy Car!!
  • Gape That Ass Vol. 16
  • Big Scat Attack!
  • Make Room For Daddy
  • Car Accident
  • Car Accident 2.0: Craaazy caaar
  • The Naked Brothers Band Gets Naked

And three recent additions:

  • Rosalina's Boobies (Stars with only Rosalina and Alex. Pretty much self-explanatory)
  • Naked Brothers Band: Hardcore Pornstars (with Inner Vaginas)


Crazy Car

Muhfuggahs actually think they’re cool in this?

The Naked Brothers Band Rock Out for Obama

External Links

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