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The Mission

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Oh, noes, there's a cross on the poster! I can't watch this CHRISTIAN PROPAGANDA.

The Mission is a British film made in 1986 and directed by Roland Joffé about Spanish Jesuit missionaries trying to convert South Americans to Catholicism, despite the fact the natives like to pwn the missionaries by tying them to crosses and pushing them down waterfalls to Oscar winning cinematography and BAFTA winning music. The missionaries eventually get massacred by the Portuguese, to BAFTA winning music and with Oscar winning cinematography. It's basically Avatar for Christfags.


Robert De Niro plays slave trader Rodrigo Mendoza who kills his half brother when he finds him playing patticake with his fiancee. He turns to Jesus and finds redemption through sacrifice which is really nice because the whole film's metaphor wouldn't have worked quite so well without him.

Jeremy Irons plays the subtly named Father Gabriel, who wants to make all the natives think, act, and if possible look like Spanish people. If he hadn't been violently pwned while he and his congregation offered no resistance, he probably would have introduced them to the wonders of bullfighting, siesta, and pizza.

Ray McAnally plays Cardinal Altamirano. Yes, that is luzly. But cracking jokes about his name would be cheap. He gets butthurt when the missionaries get pwned by the Portuguese.

Cherie Lunghi plays Mendoza's fiancee. This film doesn't pay much attention to the wimmins, because it's all about men climbing waterfalls and bonding, followed by Bible readings.

Aidan Quinn plays Felipe Mendoza, who discovers what happens when you screw your brother's fiancee. Hint: you risk getting pwned when he challenges you to a duel.

Liam Neeson displays his amazing acting range by playing a Catholic named Father Fielding. This would be a lot more impressive if Liam Neeson weren't a Catholic himself.

It's not a Christian Film, honest!

The Mission is not technically a Christian film, since it's by Roland Joffé, a "wobbly agnostic". This is almost universally regarded as a good thing, since all Christian films suck for their constant forcing of moralfaggotry down the viewer's throat.

Jeremy Irons about to get pwned. Note the subtle Christian imagery.

Despite this, it is littered with enough pro-Christian sentiment to make the average Richard Dawkins worshipper's blood boil.

We're building a mission here. We're going to make Christians of these people!


—Gabriel, telling it how it is.

Though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor and though I give my body to be burned and have not love, it profiteth me nothing. Love suffereth and love is kind. Love envieth not. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things. But now abideth faith, hope, love... these three. But the greatest of these is love.


—That sound you hear is butthurt atheists running from the cinema.

But it also contains lines which upset Christfags a bit, for not being 100% what a REAL Christian would say, such as.

So, your Holiness, now your priests are dead, and I am left alive. But in truth it is I who am dead, and they who live. For as always, your Holiness, the spirit of the dead will survive in the memory of the living.


—Admittedly, that last sentence is bit New Agey from a 18 century Cardinal.

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