Snapchat is yet another photo sharing app created last thursday by yet another group of ivy league losers who decided that there simply wasn't enough ways to allow 16-year-old girls to send duckfaces to their insipid, vacuous friends. It is, at least, the very first piece of social media to recognize that no selfie has ever been important enough to deserve to exist for more than 10 seconds.
Snaptwat is currently one of the top five social networking platforms, along with Failbook, Twitter, and Instacunt, thus proving once again that there's never such as thing as an oversaturated marketplace on the internets. Facebook, trying in vain to prevent their continued downward spiral into obscurity, attempted to purchase Snapchat for $3 billion, but was denied, thus cementing their eventual internment in the Halls of Fail, just like Myspace, and literally anything else Christopher Poole has done before them.
How it works
Since smartphones have a limited amount of storage space (you know, like mere dozens of gigs) that could be devoted to more noble purposes like housing naked selfies that your angry ex-boyfriend will eventually post on /b/, Snapchat allows the user to snap temporary pictures and videos of themselves (creatively called "Snaps") and send it to another user. It will then linger between one and 10 seconds on the other phone (the exact attention span of the average American) before being purged, unless the person screen-caps the image for their own personal use. Remember, despite totally untrue rumors, it is scientifically impossible to take a screencap on a smartphone, so feel free to send as many nude/gay Snaps of yourself as you want, because there is no possibility of them winding up anywhere on the internet, ever. Other than sending nudes, Snapchat is now being used as a platform for selling drugs due to the snap only appearing to the other user for 10 seconds and notifying the sender if the drug addict takes a screenshot of the snap.
Alternatively, since nothing is more important than you, the user may instead elect to create a Snapchat Story. Unlike your ordinary Snap, Stories allow you to catalog every piece of fucktardedness you do (i.e. everything, since if you're using Snapchat you are clinically and certifiably fucktarded) over a period of time, and post it for a whole 24-hours. So, whether you're providing insightful minute-by-minute documentation of an Ariana Grande concert, or simply your 11th grade cheerleading practice (because, if you are out of high school and still using Snapchat, it's seriously time to re-evaluate your life) you can be sure that creepy teacher you added as a friend because he's "collecting pictures for the yearbook" will have all the fapping material he needs for the next 24-hours of his life.
Ha Ha Ha, Surprise Assholes
Of course, you'd have to be pretty trusting to believe that a major social networking corporation actually gives a shit about your privacy. Snapchat had been secretly collecting users' personal information, such as physical locations, usernames, and phone numbers all along, 4.6 million of which were gleefully stolen by hackers. Oh, and all those photos and videos people thought were being permanently deleted were actually still stored and saved on the user's phone and, of course, on Snapchat's servers, so your n00dz were never "deleted", they just disappeared from your site, but once you've taken them, they're always there. Snapchat didn't actually cop to to any of this until the Federal Trade Commission caught them in the act of lying about all this, and Snapchat was forced to pony up over 9,000 pounds worth of their Jew Gold in settlements. Naturally, none of these revelations meant anything to the vapid shitheads who use Snapchat, and so its popularity just continues to grow, and leave its competitors falling slowly down the shitter.
- The Snapchat Lawsuit, Or How To Lose Your Best Friend Over $70 Million
- Investors reportedly buying into Snapchat at $10 billion valuation
- Snapchat slapped: $6bn wiped off value as shares collapse
- Snapchat to Let You Send Money to Friends, Thanks to Square
- Snapchat Wants Brands To Spend $750,000 On Disappearing Ads
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|Featured article May 15 & 16, 2017|