Do you want to make a change in the world without leaving the comfort of your mom's basement to attend a protest? Are you triggered by other people's viewpoints in the world? Or maybe you just want to become really powerful and famous at the touch of a button!
Slacktivism is the revolutionary new way to affect social justice. With only a few taps on your slave-manufactured iPhone, you too can join the ranks of civil rights greats such as MLK
and Ghandi. Do not expect to reach the slackness of Gandhi, he was so slack that he would often go hungry for days, too lazy to cook even a bowl of rice.
This faggotry began during the swingin' sixties when everyone who stubbed their toe at some point decided that they would change the world by running around in filthy, garish clothing, entirely unkempt hair, and absolutely no deodorant while blasting music from Bob Dylan and the Grateful Dead- all of these materials and fashions being supplied by the same big corporations they claimed to be against. After the decline of hippiedom and the rise of the internet, embittered ex-hippies and their unfortunate inbred spawn began to brainstorm new methods to spread their politics without looking like the bastard buttbaby of Ronald McDonald. Thus one day, some kindergarten-dropout pinhead decided it was a good idea to post long-winded politically-charged messages through the world wide web in hopes people would listen or even notice. This was not a great success, so they just changed their forum avatars to satanic peace signs and other symbols of tolerance. Unlike other attempts at political
brainwashing lobbying activism, this was a success because it required no more effort than shitting your pants after a night of bong rips and Taco Bell.
How to Change the World
Changing the world and making your political views known is easier than ever thanks to the power of social media. Here are just a few of the most effective ways to start a revolution and ensure your position as the supreme overreaching god ruler of all that exists.
- RAISING AWARENESS - Do you want to help, but don't have money? Do you want to donate your time, but you are just too busy? Worry not! You can "Raise Awareness." What does this do? Why it informs people of a problem that they may not have been aware of thus getting other people to do shit you don't wanna do. The best part about "Raising Awareness" is you get to act sanctimonious and indignant when people honestly tell you that they don't care and have no plans to do anything about shit no one cares about. Remember, raising awareness means you are morally superior for just caring, and makes you smarter than people who don't care about your cause. You also get others to be your personal army and recruiters by shunning those who don't care or mock your raising awareness. Common things that have awareness raised for them (because no one would know about them if awareness hadn't been raised) are rape, aids, cancer, cyber bullying, domestic violence, suicide, self harm and feminism. Thank GOD we have slacktivists that raise awareness for these things. If it weren't for slacktivists humanity would never have known these were problems in the world or assumed beating and raping women is socially acceptable.
Critics will say that "raising awareness" is the equivalent of seeing a bleeding person on the side of the road and instead of helping them you are really just pointing at them and screaming "LOOK! EVERYONE! LOOK AT IT" and when they ask again for some aid you scream "BUT I AM HELPING! LOOK! EVERYONE! LOOK" causing the person to not only still suffer, but suffer in embarrassment, but you can easily dismiss these people as "haters" or just claim they are racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/transphobic/meanieheads.
- STARTING A CONVERSATION - Talk is cheap, and Slacktivists don't have any money, so raising awareness is a slacktivist's bread and butter. However slacktivists also don't do research (because time is money, and slackitivists are always broke) and often raise awareness for trolls fucking with them using specious causes, or backed a popular cause that turned out to all be complete made up bullshit. While others might get upset that they were fooled or lied to, others may blame themselves for not being skeptical enough, the slacktivist will feel proud of themselves. Why? Because they started a conversation! Why is that important? People have conversations all the time. Talk is cheap. This is true, but from the point of view of a slacktivist cripple with self-diagnosed autism and social anxiety, this is the equivalent of landing on the moon. This is an accomplishment they should be praised for, even if everything they said was wrong! After all, they "raised awareness" for a serious topic.
- WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS - Being a slacktivist means you are a keyboard warrior by default. You have no time because you are fighting people calling you (and by extension, your cause) dumb or tweeting the latest cause to "raise awareness", and you have no money because you have no time. This is where a new currency comes into play: winning hearts and minds. Your cause is so important that EVEN IF YOU CAN CHANGE THE MIND OF ONE PERSON, NO MATTER HOW UNIMPORTANT, INSIGNIFICANT, OR SINCERE, you have changed the world.
Unwarranted self importance is now a currency in their memory bank to feel significant. The bar is lowered so the standard of changing those "one person's" lives is as simple as getting a simple "I guess you have a point" from a random stranger online. Each person has a currency value, the approval of those they currently know being top tier. Slacktivists are not actually serious about this currency because inside they know it is a lie. Cults that are serious will use a constant stream of sex to lure people into believing their point of view and doing their bidding, and it is super effective. You will never see a female slacktivist have a threesome with a conservative who hates gay marriage to convince people in power that maybe gay marriage can have benefits for them, or get men to become feminists by showing that feminism sexually liberates women enough to do these things. You will never see male slacktivists have gay sex in order to make gay men donate their time to soup kitchens. That would take effort and sacrifice.
- SACRIFICE - What do you when you've made yourself a dayglo attention whore but it's not enough? Become a Sacrificial Lamb. With Slacktivism sometimes you can't help because you are a man, or straight, or white, or normal, or sane, or a
productive member of society(actually scratch then last one, you can't be that and a slacktivist at the same time). This is where you attempt to sacrifice yourself in order to save someone else. I know what you are thinking: How is someone a slacktivist if they are donating their organs to save a cancer victims life, or going to jail for life for murdering a rapist/domestic abuser, or offering their body sexually for as long as it takes to save the life of someone who is suicidal/has aids/self-harming in order to give them a reason to live and not feel alone even if it hurts you... Believe me, slacktivists would do ALL of those things to save JUST ONE LIFE (which doesn't work out mathematically) but those are too easy. Real slacktivists who are serious say dumb shit 24/7 in order to have people no longer go after real victims. They deal with NONSTOP 24/7 people saying mean things to them on sites that can easily block people, on a computer they can easily turn off, saying things they can easily ignore. Remember, they aren't doing this because they are attention whores, they are doing this because if they can make the difference in just one person's life and get even one less person cyberbullying their victim of the week, it makes all the difference and changes the world.
- DONATE - self-explanatory, most slacktivists only claim to do this for street cred/e-peen points and because no one can verify it.
- BAND WAGON - What you 100% want. Pretty much the same as raising awareness, but everyone is doing it cause everyone it's trendy like the rainbow picture filter or ice bucket challenge. This is also where you can meet new people that can get you to help "raise awareness", to "start a conversation" that will "win hearts and minds". Remember, it is a serious "sacrifice" but a person who genuinely cares will have no problem "donating".... right?
Effectiveness, Tactics and Outcomes
Some argue that Slacktivism is not effective, hence adding the pre-fix of slacker to the word activism. In an effort to justify their smugness, constant social pressuring of others into whatever pointless cause of the week they have, being tricked by trolls into backing a fake social cause that doesn't exist, and racking up thousands in student loan debt while failing out of college that have created
delusions ways that they #TOTESlegitMADEaDIFFERENCE.
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