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Sherlock Holmes & Doctor Watson, totally not gay.
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HOLY SHIT! Sherlock IRL really is a high-functioning psychopath!

Sherlock is a British television crime drama popular amongst 16 year old girls depicting a contemporary adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes detective stories. The series was first broadcast in 2010 with the second and third seasons following in 2012 and 2014 respectively. The series is notable OTI for generating much butthurt and sadly being the inspiration for countless fanfics, the majority of which are authored by women and feature the characters of Holmes and Watson engaging in lurid homosexual liasons, something which was most certainly not intended by the original author.

The show usually involves hideously deformed actor, Benedict Cumberbatch showing off his sexy manoeuvres and hilariously over-reaching assumptions that only ever happen to be correct due to the fact that it's a fucking TV show, a fact many people seem to overlook. Cumbersnatch has generated his own fanbase on the interwebs who refer to themselves as "Cumberbitches", a name so cringeworthy that even cast members have expressed disgust towards it. The faggotry generated by Sherlock has seemingly reached all corners of the internet, gathering more followers and vulnerable boy-crazy bi-curious high school girls who seem to think that they acquire godlike powers of deduction after watching a single episode of the show while at the same time reinforcing their self-claimed asexuality and justifying their loneliness as a reflection of their genius-level intellect.

To Martin and Benedict I would say: I am so sorry you had to do that, it must have been very uncomfortable and I’m absolutely mortified my work was shown to you. It certainly wasn’t done with my permission. I write for myself and my friends in fandom, it was never intended to be shown to you, let alone to be shoved down your throats. For the record that work was taken out of context and was set years after the reunion but it doesn’t matter you shouldn’t have had to see it anyway.

To Caitlin? Thank you for spoiling something I found joy in. Thank you for humiliating me, taking my writing out of context without permission, belittling it and using it to embarrass actors who I deeply admire. Thank you for tainting the one thing sometimes that gets me through the day when I have two screaming kids, someone’s drawn on the walls in their own poo, and I have to drive through peak hour traffic yet again because my husband’s forgotten his glasses for work. Thanks for that support, Caitlin.


Lj-favicon.png mildred-bobbin following the cast of Sherlock being exposed to her warped fantasies

The Characters

Sherlock by Deviantart-favicon.png detectivelyd
Sherlock star, Hunkerbunker Crabblesnitch, harassing a black youth.

Sherlock Holmes: A heroin-addicted "consulting detective" played by actor, Benjamin Slappdyback, who solves crimes and makes tumblr fangirls' panties wet. Self dubbed "high functioning sociopath", a new form of faggotry now bandied about within the completely sane fanbase as a justifying cause for their lack of social skills. Pulls clues out of thin air causing all the aspie viewers to proclaim "THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE OMG"; in reality they're usually so far fetched and/or ridiculous that they often derail the case. And "he doesn't care about you because he hates people". A misfit, autist, self important lonely jerk; the perfect imaginary boyfriend for the average tumblr girl.

It's not even politeness, I won't allow you to be my bitches. I think it sets feminism back so many notches. You are... Cumberpeople.


— Benetton Dribblepuss, telling bitches how it is

Dr. John Watson: Sherlock's boyfriend, flatmate and stalker. Known for mercilessly banging the hottest chicks in London but ends up marrying some ugly bitch who lieks cats. Keeps an active blog about the detective in the writers' attempt to make the show seem contemporary while only guaranteeing more retarded blog posts and horrid fanfic portraying gay relationship between Watson and Holmes. Went to Afghanistan where he molested some of the local children before returning back to the land of hope and gloryholes where he developed a celebrity crush on Sherlock Holmes and joined his side as a partner for solving crimes.

Detective Inspector Lestrade: A passable alcoholic police-detective stereotype who assists Sherlock by defending him from police brutality.

Mycroft Holmes: Sherlock's smarter older brother. Described as being the secret service, the CIA and the British Government but on a freelance basis, implying that he pulls the real strings. Appeared most notably in the first episode as a 'Man in Black' and mentor figure. Portrayed by an IRL faggot.

James 'Jim' Moriarty: Another fangirl favorite due to his looks and behaviour. Tries to butt-rape Sherlock in the first season before eating a bullet to troll him FTL. Usually one of the main players in fanfic as retards just refuse to give him up. Posed as a faggot in in the first series to spy on Sherlock only to later reveal himself as a badass villain consulted by other criminals in exchange for butt-love. He is shown to have an interest in Sherlock that borders on obsession. A psychopath who caused many dripping wet 16 year old orgasms, he's the guy you see in the shitty gifs made by the artfag pissheads while trying to come across some midget porn. Also played by an IRL faggot. God, they're everywhere.

Irene Adler: The Woman. A hawt piece-o-ass dominatrix with a love for strap-ons and tight leather. Probably the only fappable character from the series as the ugly British actresses used in the series are 2/10 at best. Appears almost-but-not-quite naked on more than a few occasions. Nobody knows where she is now, but we have a few ideas.

Charles Augustus Magnussen: Eyebrowless Danish rich fuck who owns several propaganda generating news corporations and provides bullshit, made up rumours without citing any source because he knows everything about everyone, and he stores this info in a database that is his mind. He can store infinite amounts of information simply by shoving it into a "mind place". Uses his vast personal information about everyone to fuck around with Sherlock for no real reason. Gets pwned by Sherlock in the last episode of Season 3.

Professor Presbury: One of Conan-Doyle's OCs who definitely won't be stolen for this show. In "The Adventure of the Creeping Man" (1923) Holmes and Watson set out to investigate weird goings-on at the Professor's mansion. Blah, blah, smokes a pipe, skulks around at night, injects speedballs, solves it: The professor turns into a nigger at each full moon and molests his daughter and their dog due to having injected himself with delicious monkey glands in an attempt to regain his lost youth.

The meme's afoot!

Oh he's so dreamy...

Sherlock generated some hilarious internet memes that reached as far as real life, due to the demographics of the audience. As most the viewers masturbate to Sherlock's praying mantis look and detective work, every phrase to be used in the series becomes an instant hit on blogs and similar circlejerks where people who appreciate the show spit on each other faces and plan weekly lesbian orgies. Here are some of the fine examples of the catchphrases:

I am SHERlocked: Name to countless groups on Facebook and indie artwork created by self important douchebags, this catchphrase has its origins in Irene "The Woman" Adler's iPhone. While attempting to unlock the phone it is revealed that the device is protected with a code which reads "I AM _ _ _ _ LOCKED", indicating a four digit code. Sherlock follows basic logic, in conjunction with his staggering USI, to determine that The Woman's horrendous wet dreams revolve around him and reveals the code to be I AM SHERLOCKED. The term is now used as a generic phrase for anybody obsessed with the show and its related faggotry.

High Functioning Sociopath: Probably one of the worst forms of cancer Sherlock has unleashed upon the known universe, the phrase is now utilised by rebellious fat 17 year old suggestible sensitive asexual bitches and high functioning autists to describe the state of mind they seem to be in. When faced with the accusation of being a psychopath, Sherlock deems himself to be high functioning sociopath instead. As they don't have any IRL friends whom they actually see and finger the fans decided that this was the way they'd rationalise it and quickly adopted this phrase to further poison the internet, as if it weren't already befouled enough.

Consulting Detective: A made up job which Sherlock cites as his occupation; it involves helping the police solve crimes they can't solve by themselves because they're all incompetent alcoholics and organising massive orgies at Scotland Yard in order to regain some credibility. As expected, the Facebook and MySpace teens changed their "job description" to 'Consulting Detective' and their address to "221B Baker Street". Some argue that this is a result of their being insecure minions who can't come up with their own creative thoughts and must live in another universe or someone else's dream in order to cope with real life.

I Believe In Sherlock Holmes: Believe it or not, there are people who BAWWWWW to this crap. And believe it or not, when Sherlock fakes death and all the characters in the series believe it to be the case, the fans instigated an internet campaign under the banner of "I BELIEVE IN SHERLOCK HOLMES", creating graffiti and artwork based upon the phrase, even though they reveal in the fucking episode that he's not really dead!. The level of obsession and selfless moronic devotion created by Sherlock has far suppressed Star Wars AND Star Trek as the fans of those at least know what they're talking about.


When not updating their blogs about the latest herbal tea that cures Nazism or droning ad nauseum about how they're so deep and other people are idiots who just don't think fangirls high on estrogen love to conjure up disturbing stories somewhat akin to pre-teen wet dreams.

Warning: Reading these fanfics is known to cause extreme faggotry and a sudden appreciation of internet eurotica. Proceed at your own risk.

He stared at Sherlock and Sherlock looked back at him.

John licked his lips. “Ah, right. Well—that was—.”

“John—” Sherlock claimed his mouth again.

This time the kiss lasted a lot longer, and soon they were sprawled on their nest of blankets, knees and thighs interwoven, hands moving feverishly as they explored each other’s mouths.

“Christ, you’re so hot,” John gasped. One of Sherlock’s hands was down the back of his pants, the other cupping the back of his head, fingers woven through his hair.

Sherlock groaned as John wormed his hand between the buttons of his shirt. “I thought you’d finally left me,” he murmured between kisses. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“No, nope.” John deepened the kiss. “No. I can’t believe—I can’t believe you want me.”

Sherlock nipped at his lips before whispering against them, low and harsh, “Don’t ever leave me, John.”

“No, no. Won’t,” he assured, drawing his mouth down over Sherlock’s jaw and throat. “God, I want you. Can I have you? Can we have sex? Do you want to?”

Sherlock groaned, “John,” and rolled John onto his back in one swift movement, bracing himself over him and taking his mouth again.

It was messy and clumsy and John found himself blushing more than once but then so did Sherlock, and they fumbled at clothing and bumped knees and jabbed elbows but what they lacked in finesse they made up for in enthusiasm. It was a new experience entirely, John discovered, to have Sherlock’s mouth map your body with heated, needy kisses. It was a new experience altogether to be able to run your hands over Sherlock’s slim waist and hear him groan as you sucked a lovely purple bruise onto his throat. And it was yet another new experience to have Sherlock Holmes’ deep voice begging against your ear as you fucked into his fist and he fucked into yours.

“Please, John, please, oh—more, yes, oh—don’t stop, don’t, don’t—John—”

“Oh God, Sherlock—”

Afterwards, they both lay panting in front of the fire. Sherlock, breathless and flushed, looked like a sodding painting with the firelight painting his skin golden, his nude body a picture of recent debauchery. He gazed at John unashamedly.

“That was brilliant,” John said, unable to hold back a grin. “You’re brilliant.”

Sherlock ran his knuckles along John’s ribs and his lips twitched into an answering smile. “My John.”

An extract from Snow, Tea and Solitude by Lj-favicon.png mildred-bobbin


See also

External links

Sherlock Homo

Lj-favicon.png Sherlock Fics
Tumblricon.png Sherlock Slash
Urbandictionary-favicon.png Cumberbitch
Twitter-favicon.png Cumberbitches

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