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|Vince got V& because he kicked the shit out of a street whore who tried to bite his tongue out!|
The Shamwow is probably the greatest invention ever, considering that it was manufactured in Germany, and we all know that the Germans always make good stuff, right? As it turns out, nobody actually cares about the Shamwow, as it is just a piece of orange cheaply-made cloth that doesn't absorb shit. The Shamwow doesn't really do anything as far as cleaning up spills and other messes goes; however, many people tend to use it mainly out of pure curiosity and some, just for the lulz. In the extra long infomercial that aired on TV back in 2008, the Shamwow guy tries desperately to be like Billy Mays, but fails miserably and looks like a complete lolcow. But we all know that the Shamwow guy will never stand up to the Great Mays in battle, even if he tried. The Shamwow guy (whose name was later revealed to be Vince Offer Shlomi✡) has had an interesting life. It seems to alternate between fail and epic win, repeated ad infinitum, as sure as the sun rises and falls. His story will make you cry, gnash your teeth, shit bricks, fap, and every other little thing you could possibly feel expressed at once. However we should point out that above all, it's all just for the lulz.
Airing on television all across Americunt, this 2 minute-long commercial of fail is narrated and acted out by Vince Shlomi, who looks and sounds strikingly similar to the Scout from Team Fortress 2. He's your average, everyday cool, hip young guy with a faux hawk. Armed with a headset to hide the fact that he had a stroke, his goal in life is to sell you useless products, including the Shamwow, the Slap-Chop, and eventually even the Schticky, which is completely fucking worthless because all it is is just a regular sticky roller for lint that doesn't do much of anything out of the ordinary.
On March 27th, 2009, Shlomi was arrested for (real name: Sasha Harris) who just couldn't absorb more Jew juice than the Shamwow. For $1000, Vince was given the opportunity to make out with a hooker, have half of his tongue bitten off and then cave in the face of some AIDS infested cunt. What Vince was doing paying a street hooker $1,000 for straight sex in a bear market economy is another discussion entirely.
It was later discovered that Valve actually made a parody of the event with their "Meet the Team" videos for Team Fortress 2. Basically, the Scout (to which Vince is a parody of) touches the Heavy's minigun, and the Heavy gets extremely pissed at him for it. It is unknown when Valve's video was made in relation to the advertisement; however, several hardcore TF2 fans have discovered several parallels between the two events.
—German engineering, as told by Vince
Grammatically correct version:
Hi, it's Vince with Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time you use this towel! It's like a chamois! It's like a towel! It's like a sponge. A regular towel doesn't work wet - this works wet or dry. This is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV! Shamwow holds twenty times its weight in liquid. Look at this! It just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard? It doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. You wring it out, wash it in the washing machine. It is made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff. You can cut it in half, use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, use one as a towel. Olympic divers, they use it as a towel. Look at that! Completely dry! Put a wet sweater, roll it up, it dries your sweaters. Here's some cola, wine, coffee and pet stains. Not only is the damage going to be on top - there's your mildew. That is going to smell! See that? The most absorbing. We're going to do this in real time! Look at this! Put it on the spill, turn it over! Without even putting any pressure, fifty percent of the cola right there. You follow me, camera guy? The other fifty percent, the color starts to come up. No other towel's going to do that! It acts like a vacuum! And look at this - virtually dry on the bottom! See what I'm telling you? Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time!
How to do a Shamwow commercial
Luckily for you, it's very easy to do. Just follow these simple and easy steps:
- Open the Shamwow.
- Pour some coke on the table.
- Say, "you seein' this?" a lot to the camera man.
- Lay the "Shammy" over top of it. Wait a few seconds.
- Pound the shit out of the Shamwow, and ring it out all over the table again.
—E-mail spam from ShamWow
My name is Vince, and I dry every single one of you. All of you are messy, sloppy, people who spend every second of their day spilling Cola, Wine, Coffee, Cola. You are German, and everyone knows the Germans make good stuff. Are you following me, camera guy?
Don't be a stranger. Just spill with your best shot. Shamwow is pretty much perfect. I wrote and directed my own movie, and I starred in it. What do you use as a jizz mop? Both Olympic divers and I use it as a towel. I can pick up almost anything with my Shamwow (Towel just wiped me up; Shit was SO cash). Shamwow can be tossed in the washing machine. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my Shamwow.
A thorough and grueling investigation was carried out by the faithful members of Encyclopedia Dramatica to determine the effectiveness of Shamwow. The results? Shamwow sucks. For one, the product does pick up liquids, but not nearly as much as it claims (none of this twenty times bullshit). Essentially, one could use a towel and get about the same results. It is a bit more absorbent (though not as absorbent as Bounty or Brawny), but still, apply a little more pressure with a towel and you have yourself a homemade fucking Shamwow. Also, it comes with no instructions, so they don't tell you that wiping the Shamwow on a dirty shower wall will leave (of course if you use Shamwow to clean a mildewed shower stall, you're an idiot. CLR it).
Playback is disabled for some reason, so.
In addition to being less "wow" and more "meh", the Shammeh online site has been reported of stealing people's credit card information and charging various hidden fees. Once they overcharge you, the company sends you a "gift" of more Shamwows than what you ordered as a sort of compensation. In short, you will never see your money again. Sounds more like Scamwow, amirite?
- Open your package of Shamwow.
- Don't apply any pressure to the liquid to get up 50% of it.
- Pound the shit out of Shamwow onto the liquid to get the rest of it.
- Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead!
- If you cut Shamwow once, you have two towels! Cut those towels, and you've got four! FOUR! You could have a million towels! A MILLION!
- Always wear rubber gloves when using Shamwow.
- Do not use Shamwow as a sanitary napkin.
- Shamwow has been known to cause migraines and AIDS.
- Keep out of reach from children.
- Do not taunt Shamwow.
- HI BILLY MAYS HERE!
Born in Israel, Shlomi's first "big break" occurred with his hit movie cleverly titled The Underground Comedy Movie. The flick depicts many nigras, fags, defecation, and is basically one big kettle of fail ready to boil over with horrid acting and overly-retarded gags, this film's only lulzy achievement is making Vince look even more like the tf2 Scout. Actually, the movie isn't that bad - it has its moments if you like to offend. But the flick was almost the financial ruin of him - lawsuits sprung up when Vince claimed the Farley Brothers stole scenes from his own shitastic film. Offer then again sued someone, this time Anna Nicole Smith, saying she breached her contract by refusing to appear on the film ftw. It all evened out.
Offer went into the sales racket soon after and began selling kitchen utensils. He auditioned for the part of the Shamwow guy after hearing about its amazing absorbency and was hired on soon after. His acting has generated both good and bad reviews. Slate.com's Seth Stevenson believes he is the son Billy Mays should have had, stating "hectoring tone... makes us feel like idiots for even entertaining the notion of not buying a Shamwow." Obviously, Stevenson is a sheep.
He looks 25 on TV, but he's actually nearly 50. See lulzy pics.
Vince Offer versus Scientology
It would seem our boy Vince would have little to do with the Scifags we've come to know and despise. But in 2004, Vince, an ex-$cientologist, . A Scifag from 1982 until the late nineties, Vince was a mediocre member who dreamed of playing Dutch Oven with Xenu. When he began filming for his movie in 1997, the cult got wind of his offensive film and tried to sabotage it by blackballing him from some of his co-workers, who happened to be Scifags themselves, fearing it would tarnish the "pious" image of their cult. The co-workers illegally took scenes from the movie and attempted to make it look like he was trying to harm $cientology. In a court in which no evidence was provided and was run in part by a fourteen year old, Scifags found Offer guilty on all 23 accounts and labeled him as a "Type B Criminal". They kicked Vince out of their little butthurt club and Vince had to go it alone. They also apparently tried to kill him, but Vince dodged. Offer left for good once he began to understand how destructive and goatse the cult and L RON are. In the end, $cientology left him penniless and alone. But all was not lost. Once Vince saw the light, Scifags just couldn't keep him down. In 2002, he began his kitchen utensil enterprise. Once he had enough money, he used his funds to carry a successful DVD release of his movie, netting him lots of green bills. He now uses most of his money to sue or get out factual information against the $cientologists. So whenever you see a Shamwow commercial, salute the television screen and say "God speed, sweet prince." He's on our side.
Fans of Vince
— Comment by Lindsay on some shitty review site — July 19th, 2008
—Dave Navarro, perpetually shirtless Jane's Addiction guitar player
Return of Vince
— Vince, on his latest project, the Slap-Chop
Just when it seemed like the intrepid Billy Mays wannabe that is Vince had vanished from the advertising scene, he swept back onto the internets like a retarded, overly hair-gelled dodo bird, advertising yet another wonderful product that YOU JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. The resulting video is even lulzier than the first, in which Vince vows to "make America thin again" and make everyone's life exciting. Little does he know that his audience has always been slappin their troubles away. ( Slapchop: A kitchen device for chopping nuts and other foods no one likes and make them more enjoyable. The side effects include hand aches and muttiple cuts along the fore arm as if you were in a phase of emo life. Other names include The cutting thing, Piece of SHIT, CockChop, And BlackCop. )
Hi its Vince with Slap Chop! You’re gonna be in a great mood all day cause you’re gonna be slappin your troubles with the Slap Chop. Now look here’s a potato. One slap you got big chunks for stews, two slaps home fries in a second. And now look at this when you add a mushroom you more you do it the finer it gets you don’t have to switch any blades. Now, you love salad, you hate making it. You know you hate making salads that’s why you don’t have any salad in your diet. Now watch this one slap, salad! Now I love Pizza to but once in a while get the veggies in, at least throw it on top of the pizza. You’re gonna change your eating habits. Soup, Coleslaw, stuff we want, 5 seconds. 4 or 5 seconds, its done.This thing this tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Add this tuna putting it in like this now you’re going to have a nice, tuna, salad. Look at this you’re gonna have an exciting life now. Look here’s a hard boiled egg. One chop, you add the pickle, you add the green onion. And what you can do is mix things together add the ham and you’re gonna love this. You don’t have time to make breakfast, breakfast to go. You’re gonna love my nuts. Watch this almonds, walnuts. Comes with a cover so you can do everything in the cover. Alright or you can do it on the board, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it. You know what they charge at the ice cream store? A dollar for toppings at the ice cream store. Add a couple cookies if you want. So you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away. You know not only nuts what about fruit? Put a mango, look at that isn’t that beautiful on your ice cream. The reason you’re gonna slap away everyday is cause its so easy to clean. One. Two, and pops open like that like a butterfly to clean. Now these other ones you see at the stores. Bacteria gets on the food, all the stores have this. You can’t clean it! You can’t open this up its worthless! Forget about it. Now take the Slap Chop, put it back together, and you get the garlic. Now here’s the garlic, with the skin. There you go de-skins the garlic. You’re gonna eat more garlic. The onions with the skin, alright this is making you cry making me cry. Alright life’s hard enough as it is. You don’t wanna cry anymore. Put the Slap Chop right there, the skins at the bottom. And look at this you want a little bit of onions, you don’t wanna drag out the food processor. The skin, comes right off! You see that? Alright now you put a tomato in there. Add your cilantro, your hot peppers right there. You hit it like this. Guys we’re gonna make America skinny again. One slap at a time!
Now here’s the deal when you buy the Slap Chop we’re gonna give you the Graty for cheese. White cheese yellow cheese in the container. Comes with a twister, watch this tacos, frettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini. Look at that comes with two blades. Bang it. Cheese comes right out. Fine and course, Parmesan. Comes with a cover, stays sealed. Put it in the fridge, take it out when you need it. Pass it around the table. You’re gonna love this thing. The Slap Chop sells for Nineteen Ninety-Five. But if you call now, within the next twenty minutes (you know we can’t do this all day). You’re gonna get the Graty absolutely free. So that’s two for Nineteen Ninety-Five. The Slap Chop with the Graty, here’s how to order!
—Vince, on the only reason America is fat
—Vince, going too far
—Vince, displaying his thought process
—Vince, identifying fruit
—Vince, hating fatties
- Billy Mays, who he tries to be, but fails miserably.
- Extreme Advertising
- Cillit Bang
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Only known interview with Vince
Shamwow's site A review of some guy who doesn't know how to use printscreen properly
- brb, suing $cientology
- Vince's $cifag competition grades
- Moar $cifag bullshit
- Offer's illustrious movie career
- Pics of the whore after being sham-POWED!
- Moar pics of the hooker
- A challenger appears
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|Featured article September 14 & 15, 2015|