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The inventors of the protocol
Telling his daughter to be quiet

SSH is a means of communicating securely between verified devices. It is mostly used for pedophiles to access their offshore data haven accounts to retrieve, store, and download CP. It is estimated that some 94% of internet users maintain hidden caches of incriminating evidence. SSH, and by extension SSH FTP, are trusted implicitly for the most blatantly criminal activities because it was designed by the security ninjas of the OpenBSD team.


Shhhhhhhhh! As in: "Don't tell anyone about all my poorly encrypted archives"


SSH starts by comparing each other's fingerprints to known copies because as we know biometrics are hard to steal and can be easily revoked once stolen. After this, you deploy the SSH protocol in casual conversation to hide your sekkkrets like so:

 Prima: So about that drug smuggling/terrorist attack/illegal sex act we were planning...
 Secunda: SSH-1.0-DONGS
 Prima: What? Listen I really need some cash to get the weapons grade plutonium/hookers and blow.
 Secunda: SHH
 Prima: What are you not going to pay up? I'm gonna have to call Vinnie if so.

Secunda has thus successfully kept his secret sex/drugs/Jewish extremism addiction from his mother.


As we all know, Mike Sandy can hack the matrix and has this 0day ssh crc32 exploit. Analysis of the exploit code has revealed his technique:

 Prima: So about that drug smuggling/terrorist attack/illegal sex act we were planning...
 Secunda: SSH-1.0-DONGS
 Neo: Don't worry, I'm not listening.
 Secunda: Oh okay! Prima, I've got the money and silicone niggerdongs under my bed.

Uses of SSH and Shell Accounts

  • Transferring massive amounts of child porn with wget/curl and FTP
  • Writing detailed plans to murder the President to text files
  • Following the drama and lulz from text-based Citadel systems
  • Lurking on IRC with the aid of irssi
  • Trading nuclear secrets to Iran via shell dead drops
  • Vandalizing TOW via SSH tunnels
  • Outing local gays

External Sites

  • FreeSSH - Free SSH provider
  • PuTTY, ultra shitty Windows SSH client. Don't right click.


SSH is part of a series on Programming.

[2 L337 4 MEEnter the Matrix]

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