—If a company asks for a resume, chances are you won't be hired.
A Resume (also: Resumé, Résumé, Curriculum Vitae) is a document whose creation is one of the several hoops you must jump through if you wish to obtain employment. These days, because even the most menial and brainless jobs are in such high demand, Human Resource personnel who represent industries such as like um...fast food, retail, and...um...service all now require you to have an updated resume which is kind of silly as these jobs can be performed by brainless monkeys.
To avoid the unwashed masses, most personnel directors and human resource managers will post opportunities for employment on such sites as careerfinder.com, careerbuilder.com and monster.com. By posting jobs on the internet, they absolve themselves of having to deal with 99% of the moronic idiots that desire employment. They also absolve themselves of having to actually do work because most of the simpletons who want a job in retail or fast food don’t know how to work a computer at all, much less type words into one.
This ploy was an excellent scheme for many years until some brainiac decided to start hosting resume building software on the net, thus making it easy for even the lowest of primates to create a resume and then upload it to the now newly work-stricken human resource management. Additional factors that also increased the workload of these personnel directors were:
- New templates within word processing software that would expedite the creation of a resume.
- Job fairs that eradicated the whole resume process all together.
- Equal opportunity employment laws that mandated that a certain number of gorillas and orangutans must be kept on staff, necessitating actual job interviews with such human detritus.
To combat these new obstacles to their job, human resource management created what is called a “cover letter.” A cover letter is basically a few paragraphs that a potential employee must type out by themselves and actually requires them to be able to say something beyond the grunts and growling they are normally used to doing. Since employers pretty much all now demand this process, a cover letter allows them to toss your resume in the garbage for pretty much any minor offending phrase, sentence, or misspelling. Also, it returned the job of the human resource director to that of a person who sits in front of a ten year old PC all day, chatting with the hot girl who works down in the mail room.
Getting Around the HR Manager
Since you aren’t going to be hired anyways, it is okay to lie your ass off when you create your cover letter and resume. Also, because you are going to be creating work for some angry hiring manager who is not used to actually working, you might as well make the resume as entertaining as possible in the off chance that you can divert his or her attention away from the following:
- Updating their Facebook
- Playing solitare.exe on their 10 year old PC because it’s too old and outdated to play WoW
- Arguing with Phelps over in accounting about their NCAA tournament bracket, even though the tournament has been over for more than a month.
- Acting like a smug bastard
- Firing somebody for being 1 minute late
- Updating their own resume so that they can get an even more posh, yet useless job at another firm
How to Make a Resume Work
The key to making a resume work is get the most information to the potential hiring manager in the least amount of space possible. Don’t be overly wordy and make a resume that drones on for more than a page. Hiring management toss the large resumes into the trash first, without even looking at them. Also, do not use a tiny font to cram all of your information onto one page, most HR managers will toss those because they now know that you can use a computer better than they can. To make your resume work best you must do the following:
- Print it out on a colorful paper such as lime green, magenta, or fuscia.
- Look up the daughter of the company’s CEO and list her as one of your references even if you only know her because you shared a joint with her at one of your college buddy’s dorm-parties six years ago.
- Under Professional Organizations, list the Ku Klux Klan.
- List several sports or artistic activities under your interests. Even though you hate these things, and so does everybody else, people still find the need to list them, so do it.
- Black text on a white background is so boring. Use white text on a black background to really grab their attention. Fax this improved resume to every company you know.
- Inflate all of your numbers. If you increased sales 7% over a five year period, it is perfectly acceptable to add ten percent for each year you worked at your old company. Thus, it should read “Increased sales 57%.”
- Do not list any felonies you have been convicted of. Just because you “can explain everything…no, really.” Doesn’t mean the HR manager wants to hear it. They will just get somebody else who was smart enough to not list crimes on their resume.
- List yourself as "Negro" on your resume, they'll have to hire you.
- Listing yourself as a "Woman," "Female," or "Baby Ejector" however, will NOT get you the job. For whatever reason, racial discrimination is looked down upon in the workplace. Thankfully, gender discrimination is still part of modern day business ethics.
- Make sure to list any Heisman Trophies, Nobel Prizes, or Oscars you have won on both the cover sheet and the resume itself.
Getting a Job
If you have to send a company a resume, you will not be hired. All companies these days have learned to shuffle the resumes and throw away the top half straght away. This gets rid of the unlucky people.
Nowadays most companies will perform a background check on any potential employees. This check not only looks into a person's criminal past, it also looks at their credit rating. If you owe anybody any money, you are not going to get a job. Also, since your degree is probably in a field that has been outsourced to a call center in Zimbabwe, you are still not going to get a job. In fact, this whole resume business is rubbish considering the fact that the only people hired anymore are family members or people who have granted the CEO of the company special favors.
This section is a laugh, all you have to do is type "job" into Google and follow the instructions. Seriously, if you are looking for work, you are better off making your own job finding service online and then spam-bombing the hell out of any idiot who is dumb enough to actually put their email address into an online job hunt site. Still, if you are bored and have the desire to bother HR managers, the following links are good places to start:
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|Featured article August 19, 2010|
|Resume is part of a series on Language & Communication|