Raptor Jesus (or is it Osiris Deinonychus?) is a 4chan meme consisting of a raptor's head crudely photoshopped onto any picture of Jesus. Some variations show him with raptor forearms as well, but this matters very little. The meme rose to fame when it became the 900,000th picture posted to /b/, only to have the moderators replace it with a much funnier image - a manga of a man with a donut on his genitals. Raptor Jesus never achieved the status of Happy Negro or Pedobear amongst the unsavories of /b/, but His "disciples" keep the faith alive in the
Raptor Jesus Wiki BALEETED. Or at least they did until it got pwnt.
Raptor Jesus is the only true savior. When our lord rises again during The Velocirapture, heretics (which include [but not limited too] Jews, Christians, Muslims and atheists) and worshipers of TyrannoSatan (which include promoters of buttsecks and furrys) shall be cast underfoot and disemboweled by his holy talons.
The Prayer of Raptor Jesus
Our Raptor, Whose art is /h/entai, shopped be Thy face; Thy donations cum, The Game be won. On Earth as it is on 4-chan. Give us this day our daily lulz and forgive us our trolling as we forgive those who troll against us, and lead us not into faggotry, but deliver us from /fur/ries For thine is the Server, the Banhammer, and the WIN. Forever and ever... Amen.
Raptor Grace: To be said at every meal, snack, and piece of gum
Bless us, O Raptor Lord, and these, your gifts, which we are about to receive from thy merciful talons. Through the bounty of Raptor Christ, our Cretaceous Lord. Amen.
THE CREEEEEEEEEEEEED OF RAPTOR JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS
Followers of Raptor Jesus are easily identifiable because their eyes burn with the fervor of the righteous. They live by the following simple beliefs and most likely have one or more of these statements tattooed on their cocks:
- Love Raptor Jesus or die.
- Raptor Jesus is the savior of all mankind, and will deliver thee to carnivorous enlightenment. (Many have enormous hemipenis)
- Believe in the Lord Raptor Jesus, or have your genitals removed
- Raptor Jesus will rise again!
- Raptor Jesus went extinct for your sins!
- Raptor Jesus loves your kids!
- The divine trinity of Raptor Jesus shelters us from the coming Velocirapture!
- Raptor Jesus is my messiyuh!
- Raptor Jesus owns The Hoffinator (Moar like ROFLnator
The Raptor Jesus Chant
Presumably sung to one of those tracks that plays on a loop during infomercials for Christian Rock compact-disc compilations.
Our God's a Jurassic God. He reigns from 4chan above. With wisdom, power and lulz. Our God's a Jurassic God.
Second Coming and "The VelociRapture"
The second coming of Raptor Jesus actually occurred last Thursday. Many were expecting a massive Earth shattering event to announce His presence but instead He arrived on United Airlines Flight 47 to Dulles. He has not yet rendered judgment on the sinners of the world but instead is sitting in His basement eating Ramen, contemplating the fate of the world, and spinning a dreidel.
Parthenogenesis and the Messiah
The female human has two X chromosomes and therefore can give birth ONLY to females via parthenogenesis. In Varanus sp. (the Komodo dragon and relatives), parthenogenesis can produce only males. This is compelling proof that Jesus was, in fact, a monitor lizard.
Ask Raptor Jesus
is part of a series on