Punk is an
identity crisis lifestyle created by directionless teenagers and the homeless hoping to change the world using only a guitar, your mom, piercings, safety pins, and PATCHES. They mostly rally against the Jewnited Gays of Amerikkka by stealing make up and looking angry in the mall. Although they look like pretty cool guys, it's well known that punks cry too, on unwashed pillows with DIY needlework in mint green floss.
DUDE, THIS SHIT IS OLDSCHOOL!
Punk's origins are often disputed by the only people who care (those people being retards), so unsurprisingly, none of them can quite make up their minds. Some argue that Punk began in the year of our Lord 1870 with the English band Sex Pistols, while others claim it was four glue-sniffing New York hipsters called the Ramones. Some tards take it a step further and claim punk rock started as early as the sixties, in a genre that's stupidly known as "garage rock." Revisionists will throw the term "proto-punk" around, but that doesn't matter—most of the face-value punk historians agree that the Sex Pistols got the ball rolling.
After discovering that they couldn't play musical instruments, four brats in 1975 were convinced to form a band by punks antithesis, a capitalist, to essentially promote his counterculture BDSM store. No, we're not kidding. They nearly became the ultimate troll of their time, but fucked up by firing their original bassist because he listened to the Beatles. His replacement was an even more incompetent heroin junkie that was regularly supplied heroin by his own mother. Shockingly, the band dissolved in late 1978 B.C. after their manager made them tour the poorest regions of the southern United States.
Like Led Zeppelin, people still buy licensed Sex Pistols perfume, re-issued box sets, and still listen to their forty year old music, because they feel street smart and unique when listening to it on the bus.
Around the inception of the Pistols, their evil American twins, the Ramones, had also started. The spark that created punk rock can be traced back to 1974, when they too discovered that they can NOT play any instruments. Despite this, proceeded to try relentlessly for a little over twenty years. They whored out fourteen albums in twenty years before realizing they were overdue and uncreative. Their music is now regarded cool and vital for the early American punk rock scene, despite many punks from both countries claiming it was exclusively the Sex Pistols and civil unrest that inspired them to disfigure their anus with a microphone.
After the Sex Pistols imploded, high-school dropouts in America decided that they need to exercise their right to be retards. Pivotal bands such as the Germs, Black F
lag, Bad Religion, and the Dead Kennedys formed the centerpiece of first wave American punk rock by playing faster and singing about topics only Christians and Reaganites will find shocking. Most bands tried to rally these young fucks under one banner to incite revolutions, but their sheer devotion to hating everything right of center got so stale, that the only meaningful bands broke up by the nineties. Thank fuck.
How to BECOME a REBELLIOUS PUNK
- DRESS CRUSTY. You need a denim vest with a Casualties or Exploited patch, Converse or Doc Martin shoes, and a tub of neon colors in your hair. The trashier your clothes in general, the better. Do not wear anything that is a brand that is not punk-certified because that is selling out to the man, man.
- KNOW YOUR HISTORY. Refer to above. Anyone asks you about punk, you tell them what you read here. Be sure to insult as many corporations and celebrities, too. Keep your street cred intact, bucko.
- BUY BUY BUY! Buy tickets to any show that is punk! Buy merchandise sold as punx rawk! Buy lots and lots of cheap domestic beer and cigarettes. Keep in mind that when you do your punk shopping sprees, disregard the fact that the big punk rawk shows have corporate sponsors and are simply another head of the hydra that is the Jewish Media Conspiracy. That will only fuck up your message about STICKING IT TO THE MAN!
- QUIT YOUR JOB. If you have a job, give your boss the finger, or fuck his children. If you don't have a job, quit looking and live off of someone else.
Remember, you're here to smash the state! Join a protest, or play in a really shitty band. Challenge all people on their definition of reality. Travel in packs, incite riots, and sucker punch people you don't agree with.
Life Cycle of a Punk
- Poseur: You are a Poseur. You just found out about Blink 182 on MTV, or you may have just learned about a totally obscure band from the internet. Bonus points if your gay grandfather rocked out to back in the 80s. You are too elite to hang out with your former non-Punk peers, yet too fresh to become part of the punk elite.
The Poseur repeatedly speaks of their favorite shitty Pop-Punk groups, Hot Topic, and current hair style. The Poseur will frequently misuse punk and thinks that sporting X's on their hands is a fashion statement.
The Poseur attempts to emulate tr00 punx, so the only way to distinguish the two is to ask them questions about the bands they like. If all they know are a couple songs by the Casualties and Rancid, they're a Poseur. The final nail in the Poseur's coffin is his dreams of attending Vans Warped Tour, despite the fact that the event is funded by a corporation which obviously exploits sweatshop labor.
- Punk Rocker: After floundering their way through punk subculture, the Poseur evolves into a Punk Rocker!!!. They begin to understand that government = evil, and that either Anarchism or Socialism is the way of the future. This complex choice of political ideology is dependent on both personal preference and current employment (or lack thereof). The punk rocker is always pro equality, and yet hates businessmen, posers, women, and your dad.
The Punk Rocker typically knows the local punk venues and a dozen shitty bands. The Punk Rocker preys on Poseurs, effectively imitating his then-oppressors. They understand the importance of fashion in punk rock; they may spend upwards of 10 minutes making their hair as ugly as possible and ensuring all patches are still sewn onto their jacket.
This is also the time that a punk will either develop their alcoholism, start/join a shitty band, or both. When handing out change, do not give it to the punk rocker because he will spend it on booze and Dorals, and it will justify their belief in anarchy, possible deforming them in to a...
- Enlightened Punk: After discovering Adbusters, an overexposure to Anarchy, and squatting with other Crusties for at least one month, the Punk Rocker subscribes to the belief that through collectivist action, peace can be achieved, effectively achieving Enlightenment.
Enlightened Punks preach the teachings of Chomsky and have fiery indignation towards Michael Moore's and their favorite band's latest targets. If exposed to hippies, the Enlightened Punk will insist that peaceful protest will change the world. If otherwise, the police will frequently apprehend the Enlightened Punk for inciting riots.
Exposed to feminism by proxy, the Enlightened Punk insists that "womyn" would be better off dead than live under an evil, fascistic, patriarchal, imperialist government. In congruence to feminism, the Enlightened Punk becomes involved with the gay rights movement, believing that homosexuality is both exotic and subversive. Additionally, in spite of the DAMN NIGGA, the Enlightened ones insist on multicultural societies where big bad whitie can never oppress people.
Many eBay their leather jackets and turn vegan at this stage, still many others go homeless, but they still smoke because spending money to support corporations and taxes is fine if it's not convenient enough to quit doing so. At this point, they listen only to vinyl Anarcho-Punk/Crust Punk records, as digital technology represents barcoded corporate world domination).
- Yuppie: After becoming aware that the world will not squat with him in protest towards multinational corporations and/or failing to abort at least one child, the Enlightened Punk decides to throw in the towel and put the college education that his parents paid for to use.
At first, it will become increasingly difficult to find work, as squatting and actively seeking to destroy the government doesn't have reassuring effect on employers. When the Enlightened Punk finally does find work, he will evolve into the White-Collar Yuppie, and the paycheck rat race begins for him.
The Yuppie will work for a big company that lets him listen to anti-corporate punk rock on his iPhone. He will tone down his political ideology and subscribe to traditional liberal politics; demonstrating this transformation, his minivan (which his home owner's association allows) will be plastered with pro-Democrat and/or anti-Trump bumper stickers. The Yuppie reminisces fondly of the Ramones to maintain a public-friendly, non-offensive appearance. Desperate to ensure his children will not travel down the same path he did, the Yuppie will always attend the Pop-Punk concerts his children nagged him to go to. NOTE: The aforementioned will ONLY happen if the Enlightened Punk manages to find a job; if not, then he quits IRL.
- Construction Workers
If the Enlightened Punk failed to obtain a GED through their alcoholism and smashing of the state, they may become yet another general laborer. Many punks end the cycle of punk rock here, comfortably working in a dead end blue collar job until they end up on disability or workers compensation.
Punk spawned numerous genres within the shitty subculture, creating a schism between the different fans.
Oi! / Streetpunk
Deciding that working in a factory sucked ass, working class men grouped together to form bands that incessantly bitched about how hard their lives were, and thus named their new created music called, Oi!, which is Cockney for Hello. When lyrics didn't cover their day-to-day routine, they sang about getting drunk, being macho, etc. The genre turned ugly after a few fully conscious Oi! fans listened to Hitler speeches, which resulted bands creating White Power Oi!. Lulz ensued when a few hypersensitive fucks got butthurt because drunk Nazis began attending their shows. From that, anti-racists had to fuck everything up by forming leftard groups such as SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice, Red/Anarchist SkinHeads, and other such delicious faggotry.
Hardcore kids aren't intolerant, they only beat up rednecks or Nazis
Hardcore punk is shitty music. Its structure is quite simple so that no one needs to learn their instruments. Drummers play two beats while the guitarists and bassists play awesome powerchords ad infinitum. The singer may choose to yell about STRAIGHTEDGE and fighting or walk around cutting himself and howling in to the microphone. Hardcore punk is a way for emos and other failures at life to feel badass in tank-tops and jorts.
Breakdowns are a pivotal part of hardcore music. They occur when a song is slowed down, making only JUN JUN JUN-JUN noises, giving punx time to spin kick and prove how gay they are. When some fat fuck in basketball shorts and an Emmure shirt jumps onto the stage and yells into the microphone "FUCK. SHIT. UP!!!!!11" you know that band is fucking amazing.
Hardcore kids judge the quality of the music by the frequency, length and quality of breakdowns as opposed to the actual music itself. To win at a breakdown you need to look like a downs kid getting tasered.
Mr. Bean gives us a perfect example of a breakdown.
tl;dr, fast, disorganized music with retards flailing their arms in lieu of mosh pits.
OMG! Teh anarchy!!!!!1111one11
Anarcho-Punk is music by musicians that actually believe in Anarchism. Convinced they invented Punk because of their political views, Anarchos are distinctively marked as the most annoying subculture within Punk. Most of them adopt collectivist/communitarian views, thinking that the world can be one big happy family if there was no evil fascist government to enforce rules upon the public.
Back in the 70's, Crass, an English Anarcho-Punk band decided that the civilized world had become too rich by fucking over most of the third world. Convinced that owning land is equivalent to owning slaves, Crass took it upon themselves to squat in some shitty farm out in Essex and make even shittier music.
Conveniently, Crass overlooked that living in the first world afforded them the luxury of squatting, rather than having to legitimately fend for themselves AND the third world governments would never allow them to spew their discontents had they actually lived there. Tragically, their fans completely disregarded their idols' hypocrisy and followed in their footsteps; thus, Anarcho-Punk was born, inspiring leagues of bands to fail epically.
Anarcho-Punk would eventually birth a child known as Crust Punk
Hatecore (also known as Nazi punk) is one of the best genres, by virtue of being full of Neo-Nazis. After the Neo-Nazis were shunned by the anarchist-dominated punk scene in the 80s, they formed their own white supremacist scene. Musically, Hatecore is identical to hardcore, but the fat ugly pricks sing about giving Hitler a totally not gay blowjob, their superior Aryan genes, and killing Jews on the street (but only after grouping up in packs of ten).
The only significant band spearheading Nazi punk was Skrewdriver, but the singer got pwned after his car drove into a tree, which almost immediately collapsed the scene in on itself. Regardless, the short-lived infamy of Nazi punk is overhyped by "normal" punks to rouse paranoia and angry feefees.
Crossover thrash is an abhorrent attempt at being metal and punk. Crossover thrash bands such as Dayglo Abortions, Cro-Mags, and Suicidal Tendencies had a hard-on for Slayer and the Dead Kennedys, and conceived of something so shameful to punk culture, it's probably better labeled "political metal." Crossover thrash fuses together distinctly metal guitars with arrogant liberal bellyaching, Unnecessary, long-winded guitar solos which make a song two minutes longer, and borrows crust punk's excessive faggotry.
One whiff of a Crusty's stench will give you G.R.I.D.S.
Crust Punk is the only genre which proudly admits their irresponsibility, homelessness, drug problems, and laziness. "Crusties" suffer from excessive unwarranted self-importance and are convinced they are serious business because of their honesty. Crust Punk lyrics are always about fighting fascism, yet they will go ape shit on anybody that that is somehow less righteous than themselves.
As time progressed on into the 80's, a bunch of shitty bands thought it would be cool to fuse both heavy metal and Anarcho-Punk. Originally, this form of music was called Stenchcore, because when you squat for months without showering, you're going to fucking kill everyone around you with your awful stench. Supposedly, it was then called Crust from the title of some band called Hellbastard's demo, but that's a bunch of crap; it's really because the shit in their fingernails have crusted over.
If not suffering from unquenchable guilt from living in a first world country, Crusties are invariably haughty moralists determined to convert non-believers to Anarchism. They're best known whining about something like women's rights, minority rights, gay rights, animal rights, teh fascist United States government, global warming, dumb fucking white men, and more stuff.
Crusties preach at everyone that questions or opposes their high moral misanthropy. Most of them are radical feminists, going as far as to deliberately misspell "woman" using a "y" and refusing to shave their underarms and legs. Of note, most of them suffer from incurable levels of white guilt, believing all blacks to be oppressed by the man.
Crusties are vegetarian/vegan, since they're too faggy to go out and hunt. Despite their sissified nature, this doesn't stop them from participating with the ALF, wantonly destroying animal testing facilities that might come up with a cure to save their ass. Crusties are best known for Food Not Bombs.
Pop-punk is where the shit starts to get real hardcore. All other sub genres of punk are just striving to be at this level. Examples of hardcore pop punkers, are Green Day, Blink-182 and Sum 41. There is not many other pop-punk bands as they are an elite group. In order to be considered pop-punk you must be voted in by a council of punk legends, which includes Billie Joe Armstrong, Jerry Garcia, Lars Ulrich, Bootsy Collins, and the rest have asked to remain anonymous.
There has been much speculation as to why it is referred to as "pop-punk", and not real-punk (or True-punk), but there is however an answer to this. The reason it is referred to as pop-punk is because real punkers have a great sense of irony, and pop-punk is often translated to popular punk. The irony in that is that pop punk bands are almost always very obscure, and only open minded individuals can truly enjoy this great music, as it is is often very intricate and complex in composition. It is also widely know that making pop-punk music requires a vast knowledge of music theory and a good sense of creativity, which is why there are so many great drummers, guitarists, and bassists, that come from pop-punk roots.
An ugly Feminist by the name of Kathleen Hanna (moar liek Manna, amirite) was upset with punk's existence and merged feminist politics with bad music and college rock, thus creating the Riot Grrl! movement. Unfortunately, sissified "men" actually rewarded the Riot Grrls with intellectual credence they never deserved. Little did these men realize that women don't suffer more, THEY JUST CRY LOUDER!
Troll Riot Grrls by commenting on Bikini Kill video with "ok now get back in the kitchen." This produces many lulz and may even make an hero of one of these single ladies.
Ways to Troll a Punk
- Describe how the lyrics make reference to Jesus or the bible. For an added bonus explain how the band is actually Christian rock because some of the members are Christian themselves.
- Tell Anti-Racist Oi! Punks they look like Nazis.
- Tell them that My Chemical Romance/Blink-182/Simple Plan/Sum 41 are teh most hXc band evar!
- Tell them that their brightly colored mohawks make them look gay.
- Mention that your favorite punk band is Green Day. bonus points if you say they're not mainstream.
- Say that Billie Joe Armstrong is a better guitarist than D. Boon.
- Tell them Trayvon had it coming.
- Tell them anarchism and socialism are at opposite ends of the political spectrum.
- Tell them that Henry Rollins is in the closet.
- Tell them that their profane existence is responsible for the massacre of poor innocent vegetables.
- Joke about the Falkland Islands, rape, slavery, or the Holocaust.
- Tell them that the Holocaust didn't happen.
- "How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb? None, punks never changed anything."
- Ask them how much their parents paid for their car/clothes/haircut.
- Say Disco won in the Late 70's.
- Crapflood their forums with racial slurs and racist macros.
- Tell them that because they are not singing right, they are not a legitimate form of music.
- When debating, always call them out on their "hypocrisy". This especially works when they complain about their "rights;" they seek rights from governments they wish to destroy.
- Tell them women deserved to get raped, and also that men are the superior sex.
- Tell them how bad Sid was at the bass.
- Accuse Riot Grrls of matriarchy.
- Tell Crusties they should shower moar often.
- Criticize any/all of their activism.
- Publish their zines on used toilet paper
- Tell them that Avril Levigne is more hardcore than GG Allin.
- Go on and on and on about the Clash.
- Tell them that Girl Punk is nothing but angry women screaming about having to sleep on the wet spot.
- Tell them how Billy Idol epitomizes punk.
- Tell them that Japanese/J-Punk is the superior form of punk.
- GG Allin
- Heavy metal
- Food Not Bombs
- Steal This Wiki
- Straight Edge
- Pop punk
- Punk Rock Porno!
- Diagram of a Punk
- Profane Existence: Typical Anarchist Threat Site
- Profane Existence message board
- Punk Connect forum
- Ox Blood Oi! Forum (lol-cow city)
- Potential lol-cow
- Another good lol-cow (crapflood with fun images of animal cruelty for massive lulz)
- hXc isn't just for fgts
- hXc dancing is OMG SRS BIZNSS
- OMGZ! Real hardcore gangsterz! (For the lulz)
- Hardcore kids filming each other beating the fuck out of Nazis! It raises the question: Which is worse?
- troll this for epic lulz
- If you're in Pittsburgh or live near there troll this faggot.
- Another Juggatard Punk faggot but this one is in New Hampshire and he claims he's an "author" of sorts
- "Sid Jones'" autistic juggatard punk twitter of fail
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|Featured article September 17, 2005|