Perez Hilton

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There’s nothing like a bitchy queen with absolutely no sense of style and a connection to the internet.

Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr., aka Perez Hilton, and coollava1978 on his AIM, is a queeny Mexican attention whore and troll IRL. Mario got himself seriously set up as the ventriloquist dummy of Paris Hilton's campaign to conquer the media via the internets and leaked pr0n.

A repulsive blogger and general piece of shit, Perez's site is only frequented by 16 year old girls, faggots, transvestites, whores, sick fucks and middle-aged housewives. Many claim that his coverage of Paris Hilton and her friends and family is biased and has been accused of ignoring stories or rumors that casts the slutty heiress in a bad light. But liek, how could anyone possibly get that impression? However, due to no one giving a fuck about Paris Hilton anymore, Mario has dropped her and is doing his specialty: parasitically attaching himself to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry in his continuing bid to be the biggest attention whore ever. He is also, if you haven't realized, a complete faggot.


Perez circa June 2008: what he considers to be "skinny".
Perez circa July 2009: what he considers to be "skinnier still".
Perez on Big Brother (2015). Unlucky, fag: Finally managing to lose weight made you even uglier

Mr. Lavandeira does not have a girlfriend, because he, like all dirty faggots, prefers another man's dick up his tailpipe. He is considerably overweight, but has made it a point to lose weight using weight loss medicine which is taken anally. This weight loss medicine is called the AIDS virus.

There are Certain accusations that Perez hilton is infact a furry, one of the most notable was when Perez's twitter was hacked by a troll from the Gay Nigger Association of America, named kudu and filled with pictures of a man buttfucking a monkey, later this accusation was confirmed when Perez was seen with his fully penis jammed into his dog's asshole.

As unfunny as he is gay, the grotesque Perez is a professional troll and ass kisser (but he insists on using the tongue), and a MS Paint connoisseur. Perez's main goal in life is to become a celebrity, rich and beautiful. Even TOW acknowledges this: Lavandeira's angle on celebrity gossip includes an unapologetic desire to mingle with and be a part of celebrity culture. He thus often describes celebrity awards shows, clubs, and private events he has attended, and posts photographs of himself with the celebrities he writes about under the "Personally Perez" category of his blog... I guess he can do whatever the fuck he wants on his own blog.

But God didn't grant him any gift, either physical, intellectual or artistic (or sexual), so he's channeling his hatred through deliberately poisonous words, and because of this he later got pwned IRL by the Black Eyed Pea's manager. Also, his mission (apart from being intensely repulsive) seems to be to out as many fags as possible. This is because he'd love to see the planet populated only by fags, something that most fags mistakenly believe necessary to become happy themselves as fags.

Come out. Come out NOW! Come out in droves!!....We are talking to you Anderson Cooper, Jodie Foster...Queen Latifah... Benedict XVI... and the rest of you! NOW is the time!!!! SO I CAN FEEL COMPLETE!!!!!


Perez Hilton, in full faggotry

I don't hate gays but... you're a faggot!


Tourette's Guy, showing how even "tolerant" people can hate him for being a dumb, effeminate bitch


Miss USA Pageant 2009

Mario somehow wormed his way from being a bloviator into being a judge at Donald Trump's Miss USA "pageant" of 2009. Fag/faghag factors apparently trump questions about how a dirty fag is qualified to judge one of the world's great soft-core fapfests for adolescent boys.

Mario asked the extremely hot Miss California, Carrie Prejean, a tricky question about gay marriage, figuring that with leftards still believing that mulatto Jesus is their all-round messiah, he'd have the crowd on his side.

Miss California answered honestly and politely, but it wasn't the answer Mario wanted. He minced off and spent the next week having a gigantic hissy fit on his blog about her answer while boasting about how he'd been responsible for Miss Cali coming second instead of winning. BAAAAAAAAAW

Carrie Prejean later proved to be a raging skank, with at least 100 sex tapes, a tit job, underage nude photographs, and an all around bitchy attitude.

Copyright Controversy

How I wish this were a photoshop manipulation.

A group of photo agencies is planning to sue him for using their photographs without permission. The suit alleges that Mr. Hilton—one of the most popular bloggers on the Internet—has been using photos of celebrities such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton without permission or payment, and that this harms the businesses of the photo agencies. This adds to the two other outstanding suits against Perez Hilton that also allege copyright infringement.

Most bloggers, journalists, news agencies and photographers have claimed that Hilton illegally posts photographs and exclusive content from other sites. However, Hilton has defended his use of the photographs by citing the use of the copyrighted material for satire (defined as legal with or without the permission of the copyright holder in the United States). On November 30, 2006, celebrity photo agency X17 filed a lawsuit against Hilton in federal court, seeking over $ 7.5 million in damages for copyright infringement.

Perez Gets KTFO (cries like teh biatch)

I am Disappoint: Black eye from the Black Eye Peas.

Last Thursday in Toronto at the MuchMusic Video Awards after party, Perez (being his noble self) called of the Black Eyed Peas a "faggot" and "gay" and was promptly punched in the eye by the band's manager. The story behind this was that fat-tits had called Black Eyed Peas frontwoman frontman Fergie a whore or something, and also referred to the band's latest album as a piece of shit. Taking offense to this, went to see how much sack Perez had and called him on it. That's when Perez decided to be the classy representative of the gay population and shot his fat mouth off. This caused no small amount of black rage in, because the truth always hurts.

Following that, Perez's fat face was introduced to the manager's fist.



Perez, astonished that someone is offended by him

Now crying like the fucking bitch that he is, Mario used his Twatter powers to ask his fans for help.[1] Soon the Canuckistan police (a guy with a plastic fork riding a tricycle) came to the rescue, Perez made a video about the thing, more videos in response were released showing what a fucking liar Perez is, lulz ensues, the end.[2]

I said 'You know what, I don't respect you and you're gay and stop being such a faggot.'


—Pereth practitheth hith lithp and begth for a bruithing.

TL;DR Bawwing

Perez released a series of TL;DR(like this shitty article) rants on his blog, which frequently state that "violence is never the answer". Ironically, Perez Hilton is proof positive that violence has its place. Here are the distilled versions, so you don't have to sit through an even gayer version of Twilight:

A New Statement from Perez Hilton
Words can hurt. I know that very well, from both sides of the fence.


—No shit, Mario. That's the point of trolling.

after feeling physically threatened by a verbally abusive Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas, I chose the most hurtful word I know to hurl at him.


—Any male who has gone to high school and took gym class has been called a faggot over 9000 times, you stupid faggot.

Unfortunately, the one who got hurt was me and, subsequently, a lot of other people.


—LOL backfire

I wish none of it had happened. I can't take it back.


Troll's remorse.

I did what I thought was best at the moment to stand up for myself in a non-violent yet still assertive way.


—This is what happens when you watch too much Oprah.

I am not nor have I ever claimed to be a spokesperson for the gay community.


—Bullshit, Mario. You want to be the gay Jesse Jackson.

But words should not provoke someone to violence.


—Try going to Harlem, and calling a black guy a black person to his face, dumbass.

Violence should never be condoned with such statements as "It's Karma" or "I don't believe in violence but….". In fact, several television and radio shows over the past couple of days echoed the sentiment "He had it coming".


—He had it coming.

Would I have "deserved it" if I had been stabbed? Or shot? Or killed?


—Don't get our hopes up like that.

There are many ways to deal with disagreements, both good and bad, but violence is never the answer. Never.


—Oh yeah? Two words: The Holocaust.

I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this.


NAMBLA GLAAD bitched Perez out for calling someone a faggot

I have been filled with incredible sadness and regret.


—Unfortunately, that is not his reaction to looking in the mirror.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that's been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.


—You're a faggot and any gay people who throw a hissy fit over someone getting called a faggot is a faggot. Just because you like penis doesn't mean nobody is ever allowed to say mean fings about you EVARRRR!!!!, faggot.

Violence is never the answer. Never.



Victims should not be mocked.


—Maybe, but false victims are fair game.

The "F" word will never be uttered from my lips again. Just as others use black person to insult and hurt - or as part of their everyday speech - I challenge them to remove it from their vocabulary as well.


—Shut up, black person faggot.

I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation.


—But you didn't, and then you threw a hissy fit. That's why you're a faggot. The fact that you like penis has nothing to do with it, Perez.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.


—This is probably a lie, but if not, it's the only thing Perez has said about this faggotry that isn't retarded.

Some argue that these statements were made for various reasons, including pacifying the advertisers on his site (who were dropping like flies after the incident because of massive letter writing campaigns by both fans and haters), protecting his "brand", and to prevent Canuckistan forces for charging him with a hate crime for calling someone a faggot. ArchiveToday-favicon.pngYes, it's illegal to call someone a faggot in Canada. In a further attempt to keep his name in the news play the victim, Perez filed a lolsuit against Polo Molina, the Black Eyed Peas manager that attacked him, seeking monetary compensation for "Infliction of emotional distress". Perez said he planned to donate any money won to the Matthew Shepard foundation, but Judy Shepard, Matthew's mother and head of the foundation, pwned his cheap attempt at good publicity by saying she wouldn't take his money because he used the word "faggot" to incite violence.[3]



Its about time YouTube started being de-fagged.

More crap

That's not hot!
  • Mario was sued by Universal Studios for posting a stolen picture of Jennifer Aniston topless. The picture was supposedly from a scene of Aniston's film, The Breakup, but never made it to the big screen. It was said that Mario "illegally obtained a copy of all or part of the stolen footage."
  • Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, sued Perez Hilton for $20 million. This celebrity DJ and bulldyke lesbian is miffed that Perez claimed she was making money by tipping off paparazzi on her special friend. She also takes issue with the site's reports that Ronson was responsible for the cocaine found in LiLo's car the night of her most recent traffic accident.

Oh lawd, is dat sum CP?

Censored version of the Tweeted image, if you want the real one, your Princess is in another castle.
Pedobear a.gif
I think now it's okay for Miley to be a little sexier because she's almost 18... So it's okay for Miley to show her boobs and expand her horizons.


— Perez, stating, in other words, that it's awwright

You might want to have a seat over there for this one: Perez tweeted an upskirt shot of Miley Cyrus, who is 17 years old. According to people who know about these sorts of things (i.e. Pedobear's lawyer):

Jeffrey Douglas, a Los Angeles criminal defense attorney who specializes in child pornography cases, told Salon that Hilton's liability is "extraordinary and intense" and that it was "suicidal for him to do this." He added: "We're not talking about a misdemeanor. You don't have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph" -- which Hilton, or someone with access to his Twitter account, most certainly did. It doesn't matter much whether Hilton took the photo, owns the photo or published the photo -- as long as he knowingly distributed the link.


Salon article


Even if it's shooped, Perez could still get V&, because, "For instance, if you were to take the face of an 8-year-old and put that picture on the nude body of even an identifiable, fully developed adult porn star, it is child-porn punishable identical to if you took a photo of the actual child." Pedo Ray Cyrus is not pressing charges (doesn't want to later be accused of hypocrisy...) Ironically enough, Perez actually is a pedo, as proved by his constant drooling over Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron and Justin Bieber and his attempts to copy Lou Pearlman by forming and managing a boy band with boys as young as 13 years old (SPOILER ALERT: This will be added to the list of Mario's ever-expanding list of failures in the near future). The amusing part of all this is that he will probably be getting ass raped by Bubba in the slammer for posting a CP pic of an underage girl instead of the little boys he loves so much.

UPDATE: Billy Ray Cyrus will not be pressing charges. This is because of two reasons:

1. the man sees nothing wrong with sexploiting his teenage daughter

2. now that Miley is maturing, and losing the pubescent look, she's just not worth the effort.


Recent fails

The faggot who cried bullshit

Perez hilton mariofailsitlols.jpg

Mere days after the video Perez made about the incident with's manager!!!! where Perez claims he didn't need to do things for press!!!! Perez posted a blog entry claiming that Michael Jackson had not died!!!! and was simply doing this as a stunt!!!!! Thus proving he is a liar!!!!!

Of course, after MJ was actually pronounced dead, the entry changed and Perez acted like he never wrote this (and he didn' was his sister Barbara). That's right, Perez doesn't write for his own site anymore (except when it involves promoting himself in some capacity), because he's too busy being a self-absorbed douchebag with delusions of grandeur to do so.

It Gets Better

Apart from being an ugly waste of life Perez uploaded a video for the "It gets better" project to raise awareness to the horrible gay teen suicides that have been occuring recently. The irony was lost on Perez. Claiming to be an advocate for anti-bullying he seems to have forgotten that his website is a place dedicated to outing and bullying other people which were the reasons Tyler Clementi was forced to an hero. More ironic still, if there's one thing that will drive a gay teen to suicide, it's the realisation that this fat greasy cunt is what people associate with homosexuality.

Perez Hilton Presents...FAIL!!

The faggot likes to take random bands from random genres from random countries that no one has ever heard of, and have them tour America. Despite annoying the fuck out of his readers and urging them to buy tickets for months, Perez only managed to attract about 250 people a night...these concerts are being held in venues that holds two thousand people. Perez has gotten so desperate to get people to see his shit shows that he's now giving tickets away for free to some of his upcoming stops. Ida Maria, one of the headliners of the tour, was so pissed off by the turnout that she started drinking heavily during shows and quit the tour during the Boston leg.

Keeping in with Perez's narcissistic nature, almost all of the merchandising for the Perez Hilton Presents Tour are related to Perez himself except for one tiny link to Ida Maria's merchandise located on another site which he removed. Considering Ida Maria isn't even on the tour anymore, that means that Perez isn't selling any merchandise related to any of the bands he is promoting. What a good promoter! BTW, one of the shirts he is trying to sell has his fucking dog on it. Seriously.[4]

More and more

  • Perez got into a Twatter war with Demi Moore over what her stripperific 15-year-old daughter Tallulah was wearing in a picture that was posted onto his site. Perez threatened to sue Demi for "defamation of character" because she called him a pedo for posting the picture, sparking yet another potentially frivolous lolsuit. With the advent of the Miley Cyrus upskirt incident (see below), it appears that Demi Moore was right all along and she is now probably laughing her ass off at the faggot's misfortune.
  • CocoPerez is a new fashion site that Perez started to cater to "26-year-old women", who supposedly make up a large part of his readerbase. Fails most notably in the fact that Perez knows absolutely nothing about fashion, as seen by his recent outfits. WARNING: EYE BLEACH RECOMMENDED AFTER CLICKING THOSE LINKS!!!! Being the narcissistic douchebag that he is, Perez probably makes Barbara write for this site, too.
  • Perez started his own record label under the totally retarded name of Perezcious Records. The label has several crap acts: Sliimy, a fag from France that looks like Prince but has none of the talent; Travis Garland, see below; and Darelle London. Perez (or his ugly sister) would shove this guy down the throats of his annoyed readers for months. When Sliimy's album was finally released, it came as a shock to noone (except Perez) that it was an epic failure.
  • Not having learned from his failure with Sliimy, Perez has signed another artist to his shitty label, Travis Garland. Just like with Sliimy, Perez/Barbara is shoving Perez's new object of desire down the throats of his readers. In May 2010, Garland made his debut on American Idol in a completely failtastic performance. Naturally, Perez was the only one to say anything positive about the performance; all of his readers hated it. Perez even went as a far as to delete negative comments from blog posts about his newest buttboy, but stopped when the negative comments clearly overwhelmed all three of the positive ones (SPOILER ALERT: Those positive comments were Mario's sockpuppets) and his readers complained en masse about being censored.
  • On August 24, 2007 at 3:54 pm, Perez posted on his blog the death of Fidel Castro: "The announcement of Fidel Castro's death will be made at approximately 4:00 P.M. Eastern, has just been updated exclusively. To everyone in Miami, please be mindful of each other and keep your safety in mind." Evidently, Fidel was very much alive at that time, managing to rape one more faggot before he actually dies, after Perez made a total ass of himself.
Selected quotes from Mario's readers about his censorship
I really don't believe this. I've been deleted four times. Last night there were about 30 comments complaining about being deleted, now they're all gone. Keep posting everyone and keep complaining about being deleted. Not just here, but on the other ones you comment on. What a fucking coward.



Awww FAT TARD is deleting comments! What a LOSER!



hahahaha! i cant believe u went and deleted all the comments that didnt like this! ur such a fucktard perez! another flop for you.



I like how last night when this was posted there was someone sitting there REMOVING any comments made against this post. I left one and it didn't even get posted for a minute before it as taken down...



Perez deleted my post cause I said this guy stunk…..



i got my comment erased for say "i don't ”believe” this song will be a hit" WTF. apparently we can't have our own opinions…



wtf why did you delete my post? you're a fucking ass-wipe perez. what, you can't take honest criticism? Yet you spew hate at everyone else. the song sucks … that all. go back and try again. and next time stop with the gaga reference, it's pathetic.



Nice job deleting 90% of the posts that said this song SUCKS!!!!!! You can't polish a turd, you assface!


—The Mary

You're pathetic throwing in Gaga's name like that, I love how everything you touch fails. What happened to Sliimy eh? Dropped him cause he made you zero money? This Believe song is pretty blah if I'm being honest. Nothing special.



I used to be a fan but perez is a dumb, faKE, FAT BITCH. Deleting comments who don't like your terrible music? GTFO fat piece of sit.



Intelligent readers all know that pig-vomit Mario Lardveranda has deleted dozens of comments which did not heap praise on his newest protege/bum-boy.



A bunch of comments from last night have been deleted. WTF?! So, if we don't drool all over your cash cow, we can't be heard? For the record, so everyone knows, I can't stand this song. And I really can't stand being censored. I won't comment on this site again.



Although, to be fair, Perez usually doesn't delete comments. This is evidenced by the following gems:

You could be a size 28 waist….. still a FAT ASS.


—here's one

"lose 61 lbs." and still look like a lard-ass. Pig Face, you're gross, and you might as well face it, you always will be.


—another one

You have got the W O R S T fucking taste in clothes, you fat, ugly sack of shit !!!!!


—this one tries too hard

What is that ridiculous cowlick thing at the top of your forehead, pig-vomit? How do you get it to stay that way; with your semen, or someone else's?


— this one has a vivid imagination


someone just end this bitch already
  • Was born with one testicle.
  • One of the original members of the "YouTube partners program", which selects some people to share ad revenues.
  • Perez is quoted as saying he hates and fears drama involving himself.
  • Actually believed Pastor Donnie Davies was a real person.
  • Often Perez fucks up and features shit like circle circle dot dot on his so-called blog.
  • Millions of viewers read his super-gay blog daily (as do the writers of this article, apparently).
  • Trolls the site looking for Clay Aiken.
  • Mario considers himself "toptastic".
  • He's into leather, toys, S&M, rimming and exhibition.
  • Is currently being trolled by the Church of Scientology IRL.
  • Mario is deeply depressed in his personal life; feel free to push him over the edge by reminding him how fat and ugly he is.
  • Had manboobs
  • Talks like a prep.
  • It was reported that a male prostitute, who was picked up on the Sunset Boulevard stroll by Mr. Hilton on July 18, 2010, presumed his client, Mr. Hilton, to be a biological female. Mr. Hilton's "penis" was so tiny, the prostitution whore naturally assumed it to be a clitoris and the asshole to be a vagina. It was not until the man whore finished fucking Mr. Hilton - when he pulled out his feces-stained cock - that Mr. Hilton's status as a biological male was confirmed.
  • He's a member of NAMBLA.
  • Was kicked out of the Boy Scouts for being mistaken for being a girl.
  • After proving he wasn't a girl (a magnifying glass was required), he was kicked out of the Boy Scouts for raping little boys
  • Has no life
  • Is a Fag
  • Well at least he isnt a jew, oh wait he is,

Perez Gallery

See Also

External Links


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