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Patriarchs love nothing more than to punch fisting women so hard their hands get stuck in the uterus.
Women use the benevolent Patriarchy as a universal scapegoat.
Patriarchy 5.png

The Patriarchy is a sinister cabal composed of only the whitest and most geriatric men. More influential than The Man and more devious than the Furluminati, their ultimate goal is to brutally oppress every woman on Earth by not surrendering to their ever fleeting whims.

Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.


Roseanne Barr

Methods of Brutality

Patriarchs are as cunning as they are cruel, and their tactics reflect this.

Cognitive Dissonance

A chief example of this tactic is the weapon known as oppressive fashion. Women are led to believe (primarily by other women) that revealing clothing makes them sluts, and modest clothing makes them prudes. This has the effect of completely nullifying their tiny little minds so that they will welcome male guidance, inevitably causing them to happily remain pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.


It's a fact of life that women are generally horrendous workers. Due to a medical condition, women are incapable of working one four weeks of each month. In a completely unrelated coincidence, women are paid 75% of what men are. This means that the patriarchy generously pays far above market value for bitchy, garishly dressed labor, and are accused of discrimination for their trouble. While giving women lower wages generally causes butthurt in the short term, they will eventually realize that they must marry a far more productive male if they want the good things in life, such as ayurvedic spa vacations and mountains of Louboutins. This ensures that the smartest and most productive men will mate, preventing the gene pool from stagnating.


Controlling access to things like abortion causes no end of rage among feminazis, but after popping out a few unwanted, bastard children, even the dumbest of sluts will have (hopefully) learned a few things about personal responsibility.

Castrating the Patriarchs

In recent years, bitches and whores have begun to undermine their testicle wielding overlords by utilizing the one weapon they fear most: social media. Armed with weapons of mass liberation such as Cuntbook, Twitter and tumblr, womyn have enjoyed extraordinary success in such varied fields as fat acceptance, penis shaming, and most importantly, teaching men not to rape. The once omnipotent Patriarchy has yet to recover from the endless onslaught of hashtags, images of handwritten notes detailing imagined victimization, and videos of fugly harpies shrieking incoherently into crowds of befuddled onlookers.


Women are the victims of this patriarchal culture, but they are also its carriers. Let us keep in mind that every oppressive man was raised in the confines of his mother's home.


Shirin Ebadi

I was born in ancient times, at the end of the world, in a patriarchal Catholic and conservative family. No wonder that by age five I was a raging feminist - although the term had not reached Chile yet, so nobody knew what the heck was wrong with me.


Isabel Allende

I don't know if I have any particular views about women in positions of power, though I do think it's more difficult for women, particularly in a Medieval setting. They have the additional problem that they're a woman and people don't want them in a position of power in an essentially patriarchal society.


George R. R. Martin

I was not supposed to be in any way a liberated person. I was a female born in the '40s in a patriarchal family; I was supposed to marry and make everyone around me happy.


Isabel Allende

I'm happy to say that I'm a lesbian in the world. I know there are people who don't want to be called women comedians, but I think it gives a path to the fact that we live in extremely patriarchal times.


Kate Clinton


George Carlin
The patriarchy myth revealed
The Inevitable Conclusion To All Patriarchies


See also

External links

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