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our founder, the whore in white
yo, you likes mah grill nigga? OSA boughts it for me!

The Office of Special Affairs (moar liek SPESHUL EDUCATION amirite?), also known as OSA, is Scientology's answer to bloated bureaucratic nonsense seen only in such entities as the partyvan or spies like us.

Originally, OSA was called the Guardian's Office, but due to Hubbard's cock getting stuck too far up Mary Sue's asshole she ordered eleven other clams to break into other keystone cop operations and steal their dox on L Ron's homosexual lifestyle and drug addled rantings. The Office of Special Affairs is constantly watching you on the Internet. After being arrested for breaking into the FBI, CIA, NATO, INTERPOL, FDA, FCC, NAMBLA, al-Qaeda, World Jewry & Zionist Conspiracy and other government agencies in America and around the world Mary Sue Hubbard decided to retire to a nice prison cell while her husband went out on the lamb and let her die a miserable death from cancer of the anus.

Internationally, OSA is responsible for killing more lulz than any camwhore, fat whore or Noam Chomsky could put together. They are consistently homosexual and take themselves way too serious by using earpieces, and cameras to take pictures of those who say "NO U" to them. It is suspected that over 9000 percent of OSA bots engage in homosexual relationships with men and young boys and are really furfags in disguise.

Thankfully, OSA is also responsible for unwittingly creating lulz, such as revealing that the leader of Anonymous is long deceased soul voice Marvin Gaye.

Guardian's Office

In the later part of the 1970's, L Ron was paranoid about people stealing his semen in his sleep and his ex-wife coming aboard his ship and sodomizing him again in order to conceive the child he could never bear her. Thus, he decided to start the Guardian's Office International. The Guardian's Office would be L. Ron's answer to pesky questions about the legality of using a lie-detector to solve peoples' medical problems and all that annoying business of having to pay taxes. After a series of fights with the IRS L. Ron ordered his wife to infiltrate the IRS, FBI and CIA and purge all his dox from their record rooms. Unfortunately, one of the clams got stuck in an IRS office and got locked in like a good spy and told the government everything.


Fearing their God would go to prison, all of the people responsible turned themselves in for tax inspections and anal sex from the justice department and were all sentenced to fifteen years of being fucked in the ass by nigras for their crimes of trying to spy vs. spy people who got their spy degrees from a cracker-jack box. In effect, the Guardian's Office was closed by Scientology never to be heard from again until Part II - Office of Un-Special Affairs.

Office of un-Special Affairs

After the Cult of Scientology noticed what epic fail and aids the Guardian's Office had, their insipidly tiny leader David Miscavige decided to round up his greatest and fiercest sadomasochists the Commodore's Messenger's to a special meeting where it was decided to form a new office with the same exact policies but a different name. The result of which is still considered by many to be the greatest and most epic failure the Office of un-Special Affairs.

Anyone wishing to join the Office of Special Affairs must undergo a rigorous course in sadomasochism, photography and read insipid pseudo-military novels such as Art of War by Sun-Tzu. The most visible members of OSA are typically the Scilons who will attempt to come out and photograph people, annoy the fuck out of them by ad hominen attacks and nonsense.

  • OSA Organigram (not recent ! )

Notable OSA Goons

OSA PI Equipment Gallery

See Also

Xenu homeboy.pngOSA is part of a series on ScientologyXenu homeboy.png



DianeticsDisconnectionChild abuseSaint HillScientology's History of the UniverseSec CheckFreewindsSea OrgGlossaryReligious Freedom WatchVolunteer MinistersOSASpace Opera


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