Neckbeard

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Typical neckbeard wallowing in self-pity.
Dr. Neckbeard.

A Neckbeard (also known as a neard, a portmanteau, or the bloatee) is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on fatties, drug addicts with a messianic complex and UNIX programmers. It is derived from the "Abe Lincoln" (not to be confused with the sex move as the neckbearded have no relation to sex). The purpose of this beard is to delineate the neck from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a bullfrog neck. Wearers hope it will make them look like a badass from Hackers or The Matrix, yet it merely reminds observers of fucking chin lack.

A neckbeard is to beards as the comb-over is to hair. It is never, ever cool.

"Neckbeard" can be used to refer to both the facial hairstyle and the people who wear it.

All neckbeards are Dungeons & Dragons-obsessed losers, and vice versa. It is not known at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play Dungeons & Dragons or playing Dungeons & Dragons causes one to grow a neckbeard.

Detection

Visual Clues

  1. Fedora
  2. Trenchcoat
  3. Overdressed
  4. Greasy hair
  5. Ponytail
  6. Acne at any age
  7. Dyed hair
  8. Shitty beard
  9. Pedostache
  10. Wears all black or wears all red

Audio Clues

  1. Crunching of Cheetohs or crinkling of wrappers.
  2. Heavy mouth breathing (Up close)
  3. Nasally voice
  4. Ranting about shit nobody cares about
  5. Occasional burp or fart
  6. Tipping of his/her's Fedora
  7. Reciting of Richard Dawkins books

Holmesbeard

Holmesbeard.jpg


Behold the Holmesbeard!

Chainsaw Beard

Like the neckbeard, the Holmesbeard is made of hair that does not go very high on the face, but that is where the similarities end. The Holmesbeard is worn by men such as John Holmes, who had a foot-long cock; made millions by fucking over 9000 bitches and teaching them 'bout his dick; had a foot-long cock; was skinny as a rail; and most badass of all, had a foot-long cock. Hence, Holmesbeard wearers are the extreme opposite of neckbeards and should be confused with real neckbeards as often as a neckbeard will get you laid. Anyone who confounds the two is a fucktard.

What to Do If Someone Calls Your Holmesbeard a Neckbeard


   
 
Don't you ever talk that way to me. Nevar!
 

 
 

—The Captain telling you not to mix up the Holmesbeard and the neckbeard

Chinstrap

Unlike the neckbeard, the Chinstrap style beard consists of a thin band (strap) of facial hair that goes from one sideburn, under the chin, and up to the other sideburn, for no apparent reason other than to dish out a cheap round of the LULZ to everyone apart from its owner. No hair is on the cheeks, or the neck. The 'pre-pubescent boys' neckbeard', the Chinstrap exists to make the wearer menacing and/or manly. It never works. Worn by those who cannot grow a full neckbeard, the chinstrap is either closely cropped to the face, or let to grow wild and free, proving the unadulterated manliness of the fag who wears it.

Many photographs of chinstrap-wearing pedophiles, furfags, gamers, wiggers, and other Internet trash are primary examples of Internet disease. The camera angles take advantage of the magical concealing power of the chinstrap to hide the bulbous pouch of fat underneath the chinstrapper's chin, for example.

It is a well known fact that kids with neckbeards get way more pussy than men with real beards.

Although not by much, a Chinstrap is preferable to a neckbeard, like a kick to the balls is more preferable to hitting your cock with a hammer.

Failbeards Gallery

See also



Neckbeard is part of a series on Dying Alone

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAmanda ToddAmy WinehouseAnna Nicole SmithBrandon CrispBrian AdamsCharmaine DragunChris BenoitCodey PorterDavid CarradineEdaremElliot RodgerElvis PresleyHeath LedgerKitty0706Leelah AlcornLemonade CoyoteLoki BlackfangMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiRicardo LopezRipperLiloRudolph ZurickShawn WoolleyShayTyler DumstorfWilliam Atchison

Those Dying Alone

2 gryphonAhuviya HarelAlex FordAmerica's Third PartyAnonymous BorgAnthony 'A-Log' LoGattoArgent009Arguecat3Sophie LabelleBambifan101Basement DwellersBenny_the_SnakeBikerfoxBill9929Bob RehahnBrian Richard ZaigerBrianna WuBroniesByAppointmentToChloe SagalChris CrockerChris-chanChuck M.CrazyvideosandrantsDaniel BrandtDavid HockeyDBoyWheelerDeekerDGTrixieDiaper BoyDnepropetrovsk maniacsDon RobertsDorian_GayDragoneerDrakonEmoEpic Fat GuyErik RibsskogFagolescentsFanFic CriticFat ManFaust & PoryAnita SarkeesianFilthy Frank Five Nights at Freddy's fansFluffy teh wolfFriends of A-LogFurriesG-ZayGhostGirlvinylGoddessMilleniaGraykatHellkiller777I Dislike Cis PeopleIan Miles CheongIchverbotJINXDROWNEDJohn BullaJohn FieldJohn Patrick RogersJonathan McIntoshJonmonJoseph CampJoseph8276Kathleen ToddKevin HavensKimmo Johan AlmKrashedLecarickLeigh AlexanderLordelthibarManchildrenMariotehplumberMarjan SiklicMonica PunkMoviebobMuZemikeMylarBalloonFanNaokoElric2250Nathan GaleNawlinWikiNeckbeardNick BravoNullcherriOnideus Mad HatterOnyx ForepawPacificoceanasiaParkourdude91Peter CoffinPhil FishApril DavisPit ViperRandi HarperRicki RavenRobert Wayne StilesRootbrianRose3212Sad FrogSam PepperSceptreSchnookumsSethistoSnapesnoggerSonmanicSuperlisamcbEric RidenourThe Unknown AutobotTheSockDetectiveTom PrestonTourneyfagTyciolUlillilliaVinceintheBayWeegeeisgoingtokillmYouZoe Quinn

Their Methods

9gagAIDSBoozeAnimuask.fmAsperger's SyndromeAssigned MaleBath SaltsBody PillowsBullyingCosplayDead FriendDeviantARTDiscordDrugEdginessFanFictionFeminism The Filthy Frank ShowFive Nights at Freddy'sFleshlightFriend ZoneFurry ArtGarry's ModGooglewhackingHackingHover handsHufflepuffHypebeastSelf-seclusionInfantilismInvisible GirlfriendIRCJenkemKotakuLeague of LegendsLegoLibertarianismLiveJournalLonelyLoveShyMai WaifuMinecraftMLP ForumsMMORPGMen's rights activismHomestuck‎MUDMy Little PonyMy Tiny DickNice GuyismOculus RiftOh ShiternetOnline datingOnline sex gamesPlastic CrapPlenty of FishRuneScapeSecond LifeTaking the Internet Too SeriouslyShy Boys IRLSilk Screen Goku ShirtSmogon UniversitySocial JusticeTeam Fortress 2The SimsTulpasTumblrTV TropesUncyclopediaVloggerheadsWizardchanWorld of WarcraftYouTube

FSM.jpg
Neckbeard is part of a series on Atheism
FSM.jpg

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