If I had a choice between visiting Nathan's Empire... or getting in a time machine, travelling through the centuries and suffering a horrible death in the Battle of Thermopylae... I would tell Nathan to go fuck himself!
For if a single pixel from his website were placed in an envelope, or wrapped in linen and sealed in a lead sarcophagus, it would still be so powerful it would tear apart a small community.
Ladies and gentleman, brace yourselves.
Since the apparition of teh Internets many sick fucks have contaminated the web with the most twisted perversions. A dangerous example of this is Nathan's Empire, a pedo-furggotroid thing created by a mental wreck from Illinois with a heart full of love for children and midget violence, who goes by the name of Nathan Keefer.
Described by some as the Tenth Circle of Hell, comparable to Ourfancy, Nathan’s Empire contains a number of paraphilias along with the megalomania of its ruler and the most garish writing style, expressed in drawings, videos, "music videos", discussions, angst and stories.
Already having a severe delusional disorder of grandiosity, Keefer simply decided in 1997 to create a website in order to let all his freakiness flow like a river of shit throughout the net, with no responsibility whatsoever. At the beginning it was known as Nathan’s Empire of Evil Boys or something like that. Since 2004 it’s just Nathan’s Empire.
In Keefer’s own words, the website was designed to restrain "The underlying creative things that I do-- making movies and videos, recording music, writing stories and drawing pictures... well I've been doing all of that since the 1980's. I was writing stories 10 years before the internets even existed. I am, and have always been, Nathan. No one else even comes close."
— somebody named Josh, with superb command of grammar skills
Stories by Nathan and friends
This section featured the never-ending diarrhea titled Children of Chaos, an epic series by Nathan comprising around 170 inane chapters. According to Nathan, this is a "violently hilarious yet thrillingly profound drama, written in chapters, about a group of evil yet friendly teenage boys and their adventures rescuing each other from various perils, crushing midgets, smothering people, ransacking the town, and generally having a wild time." The Bard of Avon would be envious.
But Chaos is not the only thing Keefer writes. There are moar "thrilling, surreal, hilarious and exciting tales about Evil Boys, friendship, joy, madness, and doom, quite often inspired by real events in my life." These are stories that "will tempt you... will shock you... will turn you upside down and make you laugh madly... while moaning in primitive horror." [Let Nathan describe them:]
1. The Bank Robbery. 9 pages. 2007. Friends who met online gather to hang out in real life in this hilarious and surreal tale which includes a bank robbery, a bean field, death, and friendship. I wrote this during the Spring 2007 Story Contest.
2. The Race, by Nathan, Jared, Tyler and Chase. 19 pages. 2007. A story co-written by Nathan and his friends on the message board, each taking turns. Join them on a surreal adventure as they race towards a mysterious town. It's all about friends having fun. And it's crazy, too.
3. Monsters. 164 pages. 2006. An epic tale of events that spiral madly out of control when Nathan's evil teenage friends try to kill him. It is a moving tale of friendship, horror, idiocy, and evil boys who smother people at midnight. Ultimately, it is a tale of hope. Based on a true story.
4. Kevin's Evil Email. 1 page. 2006. A boy sends an evil email, describing how he and his friends will slowly suffocate me with their feet. This was for the first 'story contest' I ran on the site, although I billed it as the 'evil email contest' at the time.
5. Wicked Children Of The Prairie. 3 pages. 2005. In 1874, 2 cute children suffocate their cousin and destroy their relatives with witchcraft. A bizarre tale.
6. My Evil Cousins. 5 pages. 2005. A man who regrets growing up and losing his friends is tragically smothered to death by his evil teenage cousins and their girlfriends, in a shockingly morbid tale of woe and joy.
7. My Evil Cousins Part 2. 8 pages. 2005. The tale continues when Nathan, waking from a dream, is determined to change the course of reality, and then his evil cousins show up again. It ends in happiness.
8. The Birthday Party. 19 pages. 2005. Evil 11 year old boy shrinks people and crushes them with his friends at a birthday party, torturing and killing hundreds of tiny shrunken people in many cool ways. Based on ideas by an anonymous person.
9. An Interesting Time For The Pool Boys. 4 pages. 2004. Boys at a swimming pool plan to trample somebody they don't like, and kill him.10. Doctor Barney's Shoe Mall. 4 pages. 1997. In a shoe store, 7 boys stomp a man to death because he is dressed like Barney the Dinosaur.
- Moreover, there was another grandiose section for his poetry: "Surreal and thought-provoking poetry by Nathan, written while traveling on the highway through various states." [OMFG!]
Indian Relics of Indiana (a skeptic poem) Indian Relics, Heh, Beck! Fill it with gas and drip Edge on the concrete Fill it with gas What a hideous billboard Across the cloudy 200 mile Plane, plane, the rain on the plain Indian relics in hidden soil How can anything be hidden in this flat land? Too many roads, too many towns, Heh! Where high school basketball is a religion And mentionless fools play motionless music But oh to be in a barn Oh, to be in a finished basement Oh, to be with some or four, Hah! Reeeeeee… it is Indiana And yet it looks exactly the same as Illinois Ex-bloody-zactly the same, Maude Just don’t pause at Low Bob’s For he is a swine and a leper Hotrods and classical mints Marmalade in the side-mounted can Can we take your shoe, ye teenager? My iron skillet sizzles with ugliness The rain is falling The grave of Immanuel is in the scenery
Coal Cock The moist air It has been raining Hills that are almost mountains Draped in orange and yellow and green foliage So much up and down Pieces of clouds hanging on hills Mists and vapors and big hanging puffs It’s so mystical, so surreal Some would say claustrophobic, oppressive Mindless and evil Holes in the ground in West Virginia Mines What a strange place… nothing like what I thought A big sign advertising coal… amazing beauty Poh, Cock!
Old Kentucky Porky Kentucky is so green and moist Moss grows in the cracks of million dollar public works projects The trees sometimes fold over big hills Morbidly gruesome people Building weird monuments to commemorate The bloody highway White crosses along every road Either the public is gothic and weird Or horses, trolls and children really exist Oh how many times can a rainy word see? How many coconut nightmares can we have? A lot of arts begin in the fall Just like the hammy fool on TV Enough of this phase, it’s a polar vortex My southern disturbance, oh you ARE, ha ha The river Ohio, I see hills and mist I see the gigantic refinery Arrrrr, it’s so porky And the air smells like chemicals How gruesome, like an onion horse Ride in that other car, do it now Is it here or is it everywhere? Teenager boy steps on a midget with his feet Ha ha, I laugh in my plastic mode
Radiograph, I Despair I’ve got a friend that no one sees He hides his head inside of trees When up above the sky is blue And all alone I think of Boo We wonder really who are you And who is Fred this time it’s true So many tiny pine trees So many tiny maple trees too Scattered somewhat sparsely across a green hillside The colors of autumn rip the air from the woods I’ve got a friend in Baltimore He is called Randy the teenager whore But he’s not here and in fact never was Blasting zone ahead, bumble-boy buzz We need a message of love Something that we can be sure of I don’t see any horses I don’t see anything but holograms Dry the ridge! Dry the horse! Ride the ridge! On a horse! Or in a hearse. Clouds above and sky below I think of you, oh-oh-oh-oh Dry grass sticks up through crumbly rock faces It’s Kentucky again. Tennessee was kinda icky. You feel there’s no-one there For you to lean on Not even that boy with the skateboard You feel sad inside every day Gliding bird-hawk like a leaf on the breeze Oh to be just a dry leaf Why is the highway constantly under construction? Why is everything so crappy? Nothing is ever finished, or proper Oh when I was a bone in the light I never thought I’d be A bone in the dark How does it feel? I wish I had a Siamese Brat. It’s about Kentucky and sometimes Tennessee Radar Radiograph, I despair Am I invisible yet? Well pretty close I must admit Daniel Boone is a fool Surrender, surrender But don’t give yourself away I will stare at the stars for years I will carve wood in wist I will go towards the river I don’t care if you keep going Because I don’t need your caskets All I see are baskets And all we are becomes as clouds When we need something so bad That we can’t even live I’d like to leave Kentucky I’d like to drive and never stop And visit the whole world at 70 mph And then vanish into a mist, in ecstasy
There's moar like this, but I don't have the strength.
Artwork by Nathan and guests
Nathan defines himself as a multi-talented artist who creates a wide assortment of brutal, friendly, surreal, awe-inspiring pictures having to do with evil boys, fantasy worlds, and so much more as a source of endless masturbation. Shit everywhere you look at. (see gallery for examples).
Nathan’s Cars - photos and essays
"Join me in my garage of wretched excess and learn more about these magnificent iron chariots of yore--or suffer in the miserable decrepitude which results from not being exposed to this valuable and enriching information."
Nathan also offered helpful automotive tips. A must. Here they are:
☻ Do not place transmission in PARK while vehicle is traveling greater than 45 mph
☻ When changing engine oil, do not use Coca-Cola as a substitute, no matter what your great grandmother says
☻ Do not tow a trailer while screaming insanely in French, or the trailer will come loose
☻ If you find a 12 inch tall person hiding in the trunk, remove it... and step on it.
☻ Objects in the rear view mirror may be closer than they appear... or they may be illusions.
See main article "The life and times of Nathan."
— Nathan Keefer
The Message Board
It was the “officially sanctioned method of communication.” The Emperor strictly commanded that people wishing to contact him, submit stories, or send him anything can do so by joining the Message Board.
His Chief Moderator was Tyler, a.k.a. Lonewolf, and probably Hermitcrab. He was Keefer's "right hand man, uniquely qualified to deal with people in ways that I approve of. He's my wolf, and he does his wolfyness so well [...]"
You can write to him too: [email protected]
Moderators werea gorean named Zakidance, and some nigga, Firewarrior a.k.a. Jared.
—Jared a.k.a. Firewarrior
He made polls like this:
- Does Nathan Look Cool with a goatee?
- What kind of pants are you wearing?
- Favorite type of boys to be trampled by
- What are you wearing on your feet?
Guessing Game Contest
Where he asked a question usually about his life, and members tried to guess. The winner was awarded an honorary special rank on the board. Some of these supercalifragilisticexpialadocious games included: (I shit you not)
- What did I eat for dinner?
- What am I drinking?
- What food did I just eat?
- How much do I weigh?
- Color of my New Bedroom (I'm not kidding)
- Width of my shoulders
- How tall is Brian? (Brian won)
- How many kids did I rape last week?
- Punski's Shoe Size?
- Number on Zaki's Hockey Jersey
The contestants were always the same: Brian, Punski and Zaki.
Posts relating to feet, trampling, stomping, crushing, sneakers, and giant boys, etc.
Hold On Tight
For postings about boys smothering, choking, strangling, fighting, wrestling, tying up and dominating people, etc.
— M. K., Former member
— CreedOfHeresy, Fat crazy motherfucker diagnosis specialist
Nathan's Empire goes incognitus
After the article you're reading right now was posted on ED, Keefer went apeshit and removed all trace of his empire. If the FBI or the police don't catch him by then, Nathan had expressed his desires to keep redesigning the site: "I may have a section on ASTROLOGY. It's long been an interest of mine. I plan to offer my own, um, 'unique' perspective on the zodiac signs and how people of different signs get along, based on real astrology tempered with my personal experiences. Expect equal doses of seriousness and humor. The MUSIC area will be much simplified. It will actually be a great thing for people. I'm no longer trying to sell CD's of my music, so instead of short song samples, the music page will consist of several dozen full length song downloads. I tried selling it first. Nobody bought it. So I'll share it for free instead. Doesn't bother me."
To to this date, Mr. Keefer has never appeared again, and (apparently) desisted from hunting more innocent teenagers. Some argue he re-opened his forum only for, er, private members. He has also expressed his desire to find and kill the author of this article, who is patiently waiting with a double-barreled shotgun and a .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda. We are watching too, Mr. Keefer. 24/7.
Nathan's Empire Found
- Justin Bieber
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
- Charles Manson
- 13-year-old boy
|Featured article April 15, 2008|
|Nathan's Empire||Succeeded by|
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