|This person has Assburgers Syndrome, |
so you can't say anything bad! :-(
Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.
|This article is paid for by taxpayers like you.
Monica Punk (Monica C. Olson) is a 25-year-old fat, lesbian autist with no job who lives at her mom's house, claims to play 20 different instruments despite not having the ability to play any (including the skin flute in her case), and uploads 50 butthurt videos a day on YouTube. She also thinks she's in a gang, despite the fact that she literally calls the cops crying when people troll her on the internet. Her mother is Brian Knobbs and her father Bebop.
She epitomizes the type of fat, carpet-munching welfare queen who is so stupid she makes Messie Jessie actually look sane. This is backed by the fact that she was actually retarded enough to get fired AND banned from Hot Topic, which is saying a lot since she definitely has the hairstyle and mental state to fit right in. Monica's the type of freak that you'd love to smack in the face just to pass the time, but never would out of fear of losing your hand to the endless layers of her fatty folds. Even Xiao Rishu wouldn't be caught dead trying to help her baaawwing ass! In fact, she would most likely smack her too.
Whale on Welfare
Since being fired from Hot Topic, she decided to become a waste of space paid for by tax slaves to sit on her fat ass, explaining how she got there in the first place, and why she can't be bothered to work. She also thinks that she's somehow better than everybody else because of these enabling facts.
It's enough for people to believe that the government would actually pay just to keep her out of as many businesses and establishments as possible. Without a job, she has no reason to leave her house, and thus stays in the house, instead of raping the eyes and ears of the outside world. Unfortunate internet lurkers may end up stumbling across her YouTube videos, but that would be an accident they'd be sure to never make again. If only they could pay to keep her off the internet, too.
Her latest sloth vocation kicked off with a video in which she repeatedly states "...I just...don't want a job," and complains about how she was dropped from Hot Topic because she was too much of a colossal hambitch to work there. She said a bunch of lulzy things as well, including a claim that she was all about "fun and games" despite the fact that she's the most boring individual you will ever encounter, and therefore the last person anyone would want to have fun or play games with. Unless of course the game is throwing poison-tipped darts at her face. Kinda hard to miss, amirite?
Notable gems from this video include:
—The beached whale's lament.
—But you just said you're too lazy to die...how the fuck..?
—Monica's mental retardation causes her to continuously utter this sound. More than likely a whale call of some sort.
Here it is, sponsored by YOUR tax dollars!
The following video has been rated "F" for "fat lazy slam whale" by ED film censors. View with caution.
Protips for this leeching slob
Of course, Monica never really understood in the first place that if you are on social security and you reveal to the entire world via social media that you are too lazy to even fucking think straight, somebody at Social Security will eventually take your moniez away due to the fact that you aren't fucking trying at all.
Further lulz occurred when upon seeing this video, social media justice warriors became involved and told Monica via comments to get a job and be a useful contributor to society. They even went as far to inform her that she wasn't an actual artist as she constantly claimed because she was too lazy to even have a Deviantart account, and there are in fact bitches who are twice her size and munch twice as much carpet as her with more than one account on there. That's saying something!
Thinking she can play instruments
Here you can see a comparison of Monica, Chris-chan and the Josti band from the Netherlands performing. Please note that the Josti Band are actual real life mongoloids, and they sound much better than Monica attempting to play anything. Heck, even Chris-chan rocking his plastic guitar of fail sounds more pleasing to the ears than the crap she attempts to pull out of any instrument.
Like so many other absolute assclowns, Monica suffers from delusions of grandeur growing at an exponential rate. Yes, indeed, just like her asshole. She thinks she can play the guitar and many other instruments. When seeing her in action it suddenly doesn't seem all that strange that people compare her with Chris-chan. She thinks she's artistic and brilliant at everything she does. The truth is obviously very different. Hearing her "jam" or play anything sounds much the same as any person with absolutely zero experience or lessons just pick up any old instrument and attempt to play it. On top of that, every single song she does sounds the same. Going like KAPLOINKE PLOINKE KAPLOINKE PLOINKE *REPEAT* She also thinks she can dance, but resembles Barney when she does. She also wears purple even. In fairness Barney is better at dance though, since he also jumps, occasionally. She chooses Lil' Wayne to shuffle to, for some reason.
Stop bullying me! Baaawwwww!
The only upside to Monica's enormous presence is that you will never have to worry about contracting any type of STD from her for obvious reasons. Not just because of the fact that she plays for the same team, but because you would have to be batshit blind to end up even contemplating tapping her ass (and there's certainly a lot of ass blubber to go around). Monica has her own gravitational pull as a result of this weight problem, and it's also the reason why her pig-colored, rooster-styled haircut defies gravity from atop her melon-shaped head, which by the way is something she puts far more effort into than getting a job. KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES!!
Whatever, I do what I want!
In full emo form, Monica uploaded a video in which she responded to the social media warriors who had started flame wars in her YouTube comments and called her out as a lazy bitch leeching off the government and society as a whole.
What's really amusing was Monica's half-assed attempt at producing a video asking people not to bully her just after posting a video claiming that the "haters" didn't bother her. This video was such a lazy production, she didn't even plan to move her lips, because she was expecting to get the court's answerphone system to do all the talking for her, which is also conveniently taking on her upcoming e-writ for her.
911? Send help! They're mocking me!
Unfortunately, like everything else with Monica, she couldn't be bothered going through what was for her a difficult process involving pressing numbers on her telephone's keypad to select automated choices in order to file her bullying claim in court. When you have stubby, short sausage fingers, pressing a single button usually turns into mashing multiple keys at once.
So she hung up and decided to call a shorter and therefore easier number instead, which turned out to be the 911 emergency line. It only took her about 20 tries to mash the proper 3 keys in the correct order.
The response from the 911 operator said it all: get off the internet and grow a fucking pair.
—Monica, using artful euphemisms to describe herself as an overweight butch.
How Monica's fat ass didn't end up in jail for wasting the cops' time is beyond anyone, especially since Monica skipped the more obvious problem-solving steps of contacting the admins of YouTube first, or just taking her hideous image off the internet for good.
To troll a sloth
Many make the mistake of thinking that Monica can be easily trolled having seen her lulzy 911 rant - but actually you can easily troll her by calling your local senator and asking for her unemployment cheque to be terminated!
Monica gets trolled by Julie
Last tuesday Monica got trolled by a 40 year old dutch troll who gave her the old Julie okidok. Although many lulz where had, for months (it was a lot of work to get her to do anything), sadly not that many trophies where had. Cybering was done on her own initiative, since said troll really did not want to do it. But give a dog a bone, amirite? Also some facts where gathered:
- Monnie is moving back in with her mom.
- If Monnie does not go to prison.
- Monnie treathened some ex named Emilee with death treaths, hence the trial.
- Monnie can count to potato, or so she says.
- Monnie can't play instruments worth a shit.
- Circular logic works on Monnie, example:
- Despite Julies claims to be born deaf (to get out of skyping / calling), Monnie made her a song.
- Julay was 15 years old, thus underage. Monica knew this and still wanted Julay to move to Baltimore so she could have sex with her.
She believed she was getting 5000 dollars per made video commercial for Cudruft potatos. (Cudruft spelled Kut-ruft in dutch means queef, or cunt-fart, literally). At one time /b/lackup was called in from Australia to play the part of Clyde Cash in this clusterfuck. It helped. (Thank you, mates) When Monnie showed off parts of her tits, hysterical blindness was suffered for a week. She also believed Julay would come live with her and they'd move to Florida together with mad cash.
Please take note, no "zomg wins!" are attempted to be claimed by this troll. Said troll firmly believes others can do better, so go for it. Tips: Be creative, firm and a hot woman. Slap her around a bit verbally if need be. This seems to work best.
When all else fails, resort to ranting
For her next lulzy outing, Monica put in a little more effort. She smoked meth, which was left over by a visiting friend, expended just enough energy to pick up and drink a good twenty or so beers, and then posted a series of rants on her account. All of these videos have a certain drunk, hobo-rantish charm to them, and also included the following gem:
If Monica didn't weigh as much as the SS Oasis of the Seas, and didn't look like she's been beaten upside the head with an ugly stick all her life, then maybe she might have had the potential to be actual viewing pleasure like Jessi Slaughter was. This bitch is just sad.
There's only one solution, and the sooner she realizes this, the better.
When all else fails, get yourself committed in the loony bin!
Last thursday Monica got herself committed again in the loony bin / drug rehab. According to her friends this is routine with Monica, her mother had her committed this time. There will be more updates on this.
On Jun 22 some damn leech in the group home stole her fucking toilet paper without paying for it and the damn freeloading bums keep trying to bum smokes off her without payin' her for it. This pissed her to fuck off cos people shouldnt take stuff that they didnt pay for.
When all else fails, go to prison!
Yet another uniform response from Monica about her life - a lazy one involving a cigarette and 20 seconds between each word to allow her brain to catch up:
Monica does a racist hadouken, then gets in to a fight with another landwhale
Last tuesday Monica Punk decided to do a racist hadouken. What makes her think she could get a cute black lesbian girl, nobody knows. After that she got in to a fight with another landwhale who is arguably even fatter than her and has a fat muppet baby for a kid. PRO-TIP: To troll the other landwhale, tell her that her kid desperately needs to lose weight. She'll rage, post the kids entire medical history and then block you.
Monica hates Gamers
A fat person playing the tuba
Some jokes just write themselves.
Monica has a girlfriend now??
A couple weeks ago. everyone's favourite whale announced that she somehow did the impossible in getting a girlfriend who goes by the name of Emily Nicole. most people called her out on her bullshit saying stuff like "she probably found a hamburger and named it Emily" but to everyone's surprise, she indeed has a girlfriend. not a major surprise was her girlfriend is also a fat ugly whale who's likely a welfare queen aswell and even more likely to be a meth addict. after all you gotta be on something if you're even considering dating a fat pig like monica. but its safe to assume that she's still too good for her.
DELETED DUE TO RANDOM BUTTHURT
- Monnie's girlfriend. make sure to give her equal respect that Monica deserves.
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|Featured article May 3 & 4, 2014|
Fluffy teh wolf
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