|Did You Know: You are NOT the father.|
Maury✡ (pronounced "more-E"in American English or "myrr-A" in Jive) is an afternoon talk show always based on one of the following: Either its about trying to correct some teenage slut, a woman who hasn't even a vague idea who her baby-daddy is, or meetings with fags. It is the most educational and entertaining thing you can watch on television and is a hotspot for lulz. Its host and namesake Maury Povich is an old Jew who likes azn pussy, and is a basically a vampire who feeds on pain. Every single show is devoted to the futile task of finding which man was unlucky enough to have knocked up the guest through the means of DNA testing. But because guests on the Maury show are either black or white trash, there is usually a wide range of men to choose from. Some possible choices might be:
- A black person
- A wigger
- Boyfriend's family member
- Internet lover
- Resident of neighboring trailer
- Your mom
- Random furry
- Jimbo Wales
- George Bush
- Anyone who had a vasectomy prior to coming on the show.
The one person who can most certainly be excluded from consideration is the guest's boyfriend and or husband. Women who appear on the Maury show are undeniably drunken whores for this very reason.
The Laws of Maury
The Law of Maury states that the chances of any male and female who appear together on the Maury show having produced a child together are almost nil. This is a scientific fact and since being proven correct at least 100 years ago, requires no further questioning.
A highly-respected lulzographer is researching a potential SECOND Law of Maury: Every female guest who is subjected to the inevitable reality that their accused baby-daddy is NOT their real baby-daddy rushes backstage for little or no apparent reason. In a recent experiment, 100 out of 100 tests proved this theory. It is unclear why they run backstage, but some argue that it is to hide their faces from the inbred crowd that their foolproof accusations resulted in nothing but fail and lulz. This tactic nevar works though, because the Olympic-trained cameramen are trained to chase them to capture their shame on tape. Men are also accused of following this said law, despite bullshitting that the accused party will still stay for the child even if it isn't his. Way to stay loyal to your ill-conceived kid by running off-stage, amirite? A report was scheduled to be released last Thursday, but the NAACP seized the document for great justice.
This is not to be confused with the Maury Hypothesis, which states that all Shaneequa niggresses will always be at least, if not over, 9,000% sure that the accused baby-daddy is indeed baby-daddy, and will perform odd African rituals and splash pictures of her little darling(s) to garner support from soundly judgmental audiences.
A NEW Law of Maury has been discovered. After watching an episode last Thursday, a new idea of how the Maury lie detector works has been found. This lie detector "determines" that you have performed said atrocities a said number of times. This can be broken down: to whatever it is that you are accused of, a rule of 5 is implied. Maury has learned that by using any number that is 1 or 5, he can make up any arbitrary number that can make even the toughest black person or sixteen-year-old girl flip out at the false accusation.
A Fourth Law of Maury has been discovered by the world's preeminent Mauryologist, Dr. Jason Luxferre. According to Dr. Luxferre, the chance that an accused baby daddy will in fact be said baby daddy is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to the percentage which the female guest is sure of the validity of her claim. For example if a female guest is 1,000,000,000% sure that accused baby daddy is indeed baby daddy, the chances of her being correct are -1,000,000,000%. Conversely, if in the unlikely circumstance a female guest claims that a man is NOT the father, and she is 1,000,000,000% sure, then the male guest has a 1,000,000,000% chance of being the father.
The Fifth Rule of Maury is in the extremely unlikely event that the male guest IS THE FATHER. The slut who brought him along will begin to scream in his face regardless of whether he accepted the claim made against him or not.
Male guests are never the father. They only slept with the woman one time, and the child looks nothing like them. Consequently, male guests of the show are typically proven not to be the father of the bastard in question and frequently celebrate this fact with a lively song and dance routine. If the male guest is proven to be the father in some ungodly display of probable impossibility, he will then begin a rhetoric on taking care of his responsibility. This will usually lead to a physical confrontation with the female guest. Lulz will ensue.
Female guests are always sure that their male counterpart guest is the father beyond a shadow of a doubt because they haven't fucked anyone else. They are very adamant and vocal in this opinion often offering obscene margins of probability and referring to the similarity of the child's penis to that of the male guest. This only serves to increase the lulz when they are proven wrong due to the Law of Maury. The realization of this fact is commonly followed by a series of behaviors, including, but not limited to, falling on the foor, running backstage, rolling under chairs, screaming fits, crying, and bitching of all sorts. Again, lulz ensue.
- Maury always keeps a little bag of Jew gold in his pocket
- Maury is always in abundance of guests, but the main reason the majority of his guests are black isn't because black women in general are sluts and black men are generally deadbeats, but because... Oh wait, IT IS because of that.
- Maury and Jerry Springer get together on the weekends to play Poker and secretly plot to take over the world and make all meat kosher.
- Maury likes black pussy.
- Maury would rather give his male guests a firm hand shake than a hood rat chest bump.
Sometimes when out-of-control kids get out of line, D. West has to step in. Simply put, D. West, author of the motivational book I Could Fucking Kill You, You Fucking Whore is the baddest black person on the planet. He yells a lot and sometimes comes close to hitting those little shits. He is typically seen yelling at twelve-year-old skanks who love to suck nigger dick for milkshakes and double-bacon cheeseburgers. He attempts to reason why fucking for nickels is not worth doing, an argument which is made of fail. At the end of his one-sided ranting, he is shown bringing the whores to a morgue where their moms are presumably dead, but are truly playing a cruel joke on them. This of course will lead to bitching and crocodile tears and in the end inspire a radical change in their behavior. But since they already have AIDS, this conversion is of little matter.
Aside from shouting at teenage nymphos on the show, not very much is known about D. West and Maury's "private" relationship. The fact of the matter is, D. West has been running around the ghetto impregnating bitches left and right. The only reason he hasn't been on the show as a guest himself is because Maury has been successfully blackmailing him for years. Dr. Nat C. Grammar recently did a study on this, and concluding his vigorous research, he discovered that there is a 75 percent chance that D. West impregnated 95 percent of all baby mommas on the Maury show, not including the white ones, who are often times, ugly white trash. White trash make up three percent, and wiggers make up the other two.
Typical Maury shows:
The Maury show isn't limited to having whores that bitch about their parents disapproving of their lifestyle, as seen here
Is that all there is?
The Maury show used to dabble here and there in topics unrelated to the above, but have since phased these shows out due to lack of interest from their black person.
Update! At least once a month, Maury will do a show on the sexiness of male-to-female transvestites or shitty YouTube videos. Presumably, this is a wild grasp at retaining viewers with a sense of shame, who can watch the show and yet retain the cheap facade of claiming that they hoped that today's show would be something other than paternity disasters.
Maury also enjoys making people cry. In a recent episode on phobias, he assaulted a woman who is afraid of cotton balls, with a man made of cotton balls, making her run back stage screaming hysterically, threatening physical violence, all the while our beloved host was laughing hysterically. He also did this with chickens. And two women who for some reason thought various reptiles/amphibians were literally plotting to kill them. And let's not forget about the woman who is afraid of mustard and pickles!
Also, one time, he gave a girl with no arms and legs a brand new pink bicycle. Thumbs up for Maury!
- Steve Wilkos - Jerry Springer's bitch
- Jerry Springer - Maury's God
- Niggers - Maury's lolcows
- Rednecks - More of Maury's lolcows. Combine with the above for epic drama.
- Pregnant - The result of nigger rape and redneck incest
- Attention Whore
Not To Be Confused With
Maury is part of a series on
Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.
Maury is part of a series on
Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage.