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Mafia Wars

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PETA disapproves. Whoop de doo.

Mafia Wars is like your typical shitty browser game except the failed abortions at Zynga added several Metric fucktons of fail and AIDS into the putrid vat of dog mess that forms the core of this kind of garbage, put that mixture in a bottle and let it ferment in the sun for a couple days and then marinated Spam in it and made a batch of sandwiches. Believing big money was to be made, they made a couple more batches and traded them to their buddies Rupert Murdoch and Mark Zuckerburg for the rights to put Mafia Wars on their respective Internet clusterfucks. This circlejerk of epic proportions allowed Mafia Wars to far surpass such forgettable shit as Kingdom of Loathing and Evony, going viral and spreading across the Series of Tubes at a rate Swine Flu could only dream of. Newfags to Mafia Wars are seen butt-fucking the shit out of your inbox with at least 100 "Join my Mafia!" friend requests. Sorry I didn't join, I was too busy braiding my pubes. The game is played by RPG Nerds, middle-aged housewives and Fat basement dwellers who have no life and collect gay furry shit games (like Pet Society or PetVille) and who have all of zynga and playdom games. This game is based on getting money to pimp your ass with golden dongs and do some missions based on pwning some niggers mafia, stealing some shit, and killing facebook jews. PETA, of course, disapproves of the misuse of animals in this game, which means there should be MOAR imaginary mean doggies to pwn your imaginary rivals with. Gun control supporters, however, are notably silent.


How Does I Fail at Monies?

Zynga is the poster child for why you should pay attention in school. Even the simplest thing involving money, business or economics they seem to inexorably run into the ground and trample worse than a nigger at a Neo-Nazi rally. It doesn't seem possible, but they fail at the one thing even illiterate Nigerian gangsters can do well at. God help us all if these people ever decide to go into banking.

Problem: Zynga thought that people were making too much money too easily by endlessly buying properties and feared that the game's economy was going down the toilet.

Zynga Solution: Completely redesign the way people generate income and make it completely unprofitable while letting the oldfags who have incomes of over $900,000,000 per hour that were the supposed cancer killing the economy keep the old Properties system.

Problem: Zynga spent all their money on hookers and blow and could no longer afford to keep Mafia Wars up and running.

Zynga Solution: Not wanting to sell their asses on the street or leave the cardboard box that they were running the company out of unattended, they had to come up with a way to squeeze money out of the hapless rubes that frequent Mafia Wars. Further showcasing their mind-boggling economic ineptitude, Zynga pulled a MapleStory and opened up a cash shop that sold pointless, ridiculously overpriced novelty items that no one bought.


All my Mega Casinos got robbed!!!11!1!1 WTF shud i do boss??? I has no mafia!!! plz halp!!!
Asking for it

Continuing in their proud tradition of doing it wrong, Zynga's updates do the opposite of what a patch is supposed to do and only break the game even further.

Problem: Game-breaking lag that left people staring at bullets being loaded into a revolver over and over again for over 9000 hours at a time, making people wish that the revolver was real so they could end the lag once and for all.

Zynga Solution: Make a patch that doubles triples quadruples pentuples the lag. Apparently, Zynga's programmers come from some fucked-up Bizarro world where adding more lag makes it go away.

This is why we can't have nice things

Problem: The addition of Robbing, better known as Auto-Troll. Robbing allowed people to not only steal your money but at the same time destroy your way of making more by breaking your properties. This new grieftastic opportunity led to many people making accounts with pumped up Stamina, Atttack and Defense specifically to harass noobs by Robbing them at least 100 times a day. This caused many people to ragequit, exclaiming "Where the Hell's all my money?? What the fuck happened to my properties?!? I got robbed by the same guy 50 times in five minutes?!? FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-! You know what? FUCK THIS STUPID-ASS GUINEA GAME! I'M GONNA GO PLAY GAIA INSTEAD!!!!

Zynga Solution: DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING. Robbing had potential but, being too lazy to rebalance it, the Zyngtards simply removed the feature without giving any advance notice, confusing a great many people.

Problem: Players weren't putting enough IRL money in Zynga's pocket for Mafia Wars money or returning to play the game often enough, accumulating plenty of Mafia Wars money in their absence.

Zynga Solution: Make holiday-themed items that were only purchasable with IRL money. Add new cities/countries (ie. Cuba, Moscow, Bangkok) where you have to start over collecting money to play (since there is no Mafia Wars currency exchange), and have to come back multiple times each day to collect the money from your properties. Then change properties in New York so that you have to come back to collect your Mafia wars money. Finally, restore Robbing so that your uncollected money from the properties is gone before you can even think of collecting it unless you are OCD about the game. More Mafia Wars money of course, can be bought with IRL money.

Customer Support



—Zynga Support answering a griefing report

Zynga's customer support is known for being friendly, courteous and resolving issues quickly. Most of the time Customer Support simply doesn't answer your ticket and when they actually get around to answering one, the response is something along the lines of "FUCK YOU KID YOU'RE A DICK!!", "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!", "BUY MORE REWARD POINTS YOU...YOU...DOUBLE MOBSTER!!! or if they're feeling particularly helpful that day, "Please don't waste our time with your blatant lies".

See Also

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