Lily Allen

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Lily Allen - Internets Superstar?

Dan Bull a cool independent artist pwoning Lily Allen for challenging the interwebs proclaiming she's against file sharing

Lily Allen is an ugly English chavette who makes shitty pop music. Although she talks and 'sings' in Mockney, (a fake Cockney accent the posh adopt to be down with the kids) and cultivates the image of a badly-dressed, chavette spunkbucket, she was born into wealth and was educated in some of England's most expensive private schools because she has a rich father. Like every band on the charts these days, she became popular through MySpace after getting dropped by the major label she was signed to.

Apparently, the days of gigging in sweaty Irish pubs for 20 years straight and then being vaguely recognized in the street are now over; all you have to do nowadays is upload some songs onto your MySpace page and you're on the road to international stardom. The only criteria you need is being a complete and utter fucktard. Having Joe Strummer as a godfather helps too. Especially when you run out of your own creativity and need to borrow some of his, covering old Clash songs like "Straight To Hell".

About Her

Find an immigrant to drive you, you stupid tart


London cab-driver, recognising Allen from her pro-refugee attention-whoring

Lily Allen is an obvious FFA going on the guys she dates, because they all look like gay bears.
People who like Lily Allen are not cool enough to be allowed to say lolwut, so they just say "what the...?"

Lily Allen was a chubby, trashy drunk until she discovered the Internet, thanks to the "quirkiness" of the songs she uploaded to her MySpace account such as "Smile", "LDN" and "I'm a Lesbo Slag" she became a celebrity and proceeded to lose weight, while remaining a spoiled drunken brat.

She has now become Mike Skinner (from The Streets) minus the penis and the talent. Horny 13 year old boys queue up in the hundreds to buy her singles even though they've already snatched them from Oink. Goth cunts and emos buy her records so they can say they have an open taste in music, though inside a part of them has just died. Lily Allen is also known for being a cocky little bitch and insulting Amy Winehouse, Elton John, and other peers like there was no tomorrow. She is known to perform in maternity dresses. WTF?

Many people enjoy comparing her to the Arctic Monkeys because they both speak a retarded form of English and make shitty music.

Fuck You

Lily Allen only made one song anyone can actually rember, a charming little ditty with a charming title: "Fudge You."

In the song, Lily expresses how loving and tolerant she and her fanbase are by insulting the following:

  1. People who disapprove of homosexuality.
  2. People who live in ye olden times.
  3. People who want to please their parents.
  4. People who want to go to war for no good reason. (They should die, according to Allen. The song was allegedly written as an attack on George Bush and the Republican Party - ironic since the military doctrine which led to wars such as Vietnam and Afghanistan was invented by Harry S. Truman, who was most certainly not a Republican.)

For some strange reason, Lily Allen's message of love and intolerance for anyone who disagreed with her didn't go down all that well once the drugged kool-aid wore off.


In 2006(?) Lily pwned a photographer, which is apparently frowned upon by others. As a result, the US has permabanned her for unfunny IRL trolling. This permaban worked out well for Allen since touring in America would have been of financial detriment given the fact that no one America knows who the fuck this pancake faced troll is. Many lulz were also lost since watching "stars" like punk rocker Avril Lavigne struggle to give away tickets to their ghost town concerts is made of win.


Some months back now, a man 15 years older than her who was a member of some shit band inserted his penis into her and she got pregnant. Fortunately, she had a miscarriage and they split up. Sometime later this happened again, after her second miscarriage she got blood poisoning - this goes to show you should use a fresh coathanger every time.

Lily Allen's Cry For Help

"Being rich, famous and chubby is HORRIBLE! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN IN AFRICA!"

Perez Hilton got in on this one first, because he loevs her for some strange fucking reason.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

fat, ugly and shitter than winehouse

that is all i am, I'm on my own in america again. I used to pride myself on being strong minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look. I felt like it didn't matter if I was a bit chubby cause, im not a model, I’m a singer. Im afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine. I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle, I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery, and laser liposuction.

Lily Allen and Friends

Her TV show, Lily Allen and Friends, which is on the BBC, is a cancer bringing newfags to the internets. She brought Tay Zonday onto her show, and the kids lapped it up with great veracity. This is because we all know that BBC Three is mainly watched by 16-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys alike, and as such should be avoided like the plague.

The BBC also got fucked over when at least 100 complaints were made about videos of British chav schoolkids pulling down male school teachers' trousers down to expose their bottoms (god damn, isn't British English gay?) being broadcast on Lily Allen and Friends. They even invented a new name for these YouTube videos - 'kegging'.

A Dirty Whore Indeed

Lily Allen showing her landing strip whilst giving the paparazzi the finger.
Giving one last grin whilst showing her B-cup tits before contemplating becoming an hero in an act of tombstoning.

Lily Allen is a dirty fucking bint. What kind of female celebrity would go around with the risk of having their bare vulva or nipples photographed? True, she doesn't have much in the way of tits, but showing her cunt like that in a see-through dress is inexcusable and will guarantee her a front page in the Sunday Sport in the United Kingdom. At this point in time, everyone has stopped giving a shit about Lily Allen and even her brother Alfie is more popular than her, which is ironic since she made a song about how much of a lazy piece of shit he was.

Clearly she must love the attention.

Lily Allen's Rorschach Test

Some idiot on YouTube decided to upload a shameless piece of self-publicity of Lily undertaking a Rorschach Test with some fugly scientist and talking about her work with Blondie.

Lily Allen war against file-sharing


Lily Allen made a blog pro-copyright which is now offline. TorrentFreak, TechDirt and the Internets pwnd the blog so Lily Allen had to remove it. She quoted TechDirty without attribution and it was discovered that she uploaded some copyright material on mixtapes without previous authorization which make her as much of a pirate as the pirates she wants to criminalize and remove from the internet. Lily claimed that she removed the blog because "the abuse was getting too much". However, at least 98% of the hundreds of comments were *against* her point of view and they were all polite and well thought out. So by “abuse” I guess she means the same thing as a lot of spoiled brats do. That is, they can’t compete with your sound argument or point of view, so they start shifting the subject from “I’m stupid and you’re trampling all over me with your reasonable argument” to “you’re a big mean bully and mistreating me cuz i’m just a poor defenceless little girl”.

Torrent Freak PWNING Lily Allen

Freak PWNING Lily Allen pt2

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