Kathy Griffin

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I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle between Sliders. Because I'm romantic.



Kathy Griffin performing at St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

Kathleen Mary Griffin was spawned on November 4, 1960 in Oak Park, Illinois. The daughter of two drunken Irishmen, it was clear from the start that Kathy would have a rough and violent childhood, leading her to become a bitter, cynical shemale. And so, like so many other bitter, cynical shemales, she decided to go into comedy. Little did the internets know that she would eventually become an incredibly lulzy IRL troll and internets phenomenon.

Since Kathy is a ginger, she has no soul by default and owes the entire world Rule 34. Also this makes her one of the lulziest comics in the entire internets due to her hatred of Catholics and her love of faggots.

Early Career

Halfway to tits. Kathy has forgotten what Tits or GTFO means.

Kathy Griffin's legacy began in the mid-1990's when she co-starred in a shitty but oh-so-original sitcom titled Suddenly Susan about a single girl working at a magazine alongside Brooke Shields, or that girl scrawny hag who is best known for going commando in jeans. The show ran for four seasons despite one of the cast members killing themselves in season three after realizing that he may be stuck doing that piece of crap show for the rest of his life. But since the network could not risk angering Brooke Shields, who would undoubtedly breathe fire and kill their families (because Tom Cruise had everyone convinced with his stories about Brooke Shields being a psycho, postpartumly depressed, penis-hating witch with laser beam eyes), they continued until people finally got sick of unfunny single-white-female comedy and begged for the Network to end their suffering.

Even after the cancellation of Suddenly Susan, Kathy had still not reached the pinnacle of second-class fame. In the following years, she joined the hugely famous Los Angeles comedy troupe the Groundlings, guest-starred on series such as ER, Seinfeld, The X-Files, The Simpsons, and Dilbert. These shows did nothing to advance Kathy's career, but they did degrade her dignity until she felt compelled to become the plastic publicity whore that she is today in order to achieve the approval of PixelBeeProductions.

Kathy's Marriage

Smile like you mean it bitch!

In 2001, Kathy married a very talented con-artist named Matt Moline, the love of her life. Their relationship was so close and nurturing they tattooed their ring fingers instead of settling on a traditional wedding ring, which proved to be a mistake. For Kathy turned out to be just a long-term undercover job for Matt, posing as a loving, blind husband in order to rob the comedienne of her paltry fortune. The original plan was to lure Kathy into a false sense of security over the length of a good, 10-year marriage, but four years into it Matt just couldn't stand looking at that shriveled pussy anymore, so he decided to just get on with it already. He began to steal Kathy's ATM cards as she slept upside-down in a cocoon of her own wings, stealing a total of $72,000 over a period of one and a half years. Eventually Kathy discovered him; but instead of divorcing him and becoming the bitter, shriveled old lady everyone knew she was, she went into marriage counseling to try and forgive him. Matt played along for a while out of some sort of twisted desperate desire to remain on TV, however he soon took advantage of the opportunity and continued to bleed Kathy's bank accounts dry. Finally comprehending that Matt would never stop screwing her over, divorced him in 2006 and immediately started talking shit about him in her act to much gay applause.

What makes this occurrence so different from other fake celebrity marriages is the fact that Moline chose to scam Kathy instead of another, more successful quasi-celebrity. In terms of gullible transsexual celebrities, there were many more options available to him than a skinny Irish man with breasts and a loosely-guarded Visa. Really, choosing to steal money from Kathy Griffin is like choosing to steal a participation ribbon at a second-grade science fair. It would lead one to wonder if Matt was actually attracted to Kathy at one point, until one realizes that nobody would willingly suffer through that shrill Gilbert Gottfried-like voice for the rest of their lives.

Goddamn tl;dr nobody cares, srsly.

My Life on The D-List

Comedy Central imprisoned Kathy after offending their Jew Jesus.

In 2005, The strung-out coke monkeys that run the Bravo Network decided that in order to make their channel even more white-trash retarded than it already was, they should find the most outrageous, insulting, controversial, unknown celebrity they could and give them their own reality show. Bristol Palin was busy sucking Miley Cyrus's dick, so they settled on Kathy Griffin. Thus, My Life on the D-List was born.

The concept of the show is simple, elegant, and brilliant.

In essence, Bravo invented the term "D-list" to make their show more original and fappable to the public. "Goddamn awful" was a woefully inadequate way to express the dramatically low status Kathy holds in the celebrity world, so they created a new category of anonymity just for her.

What sets out Kathy from the rest is her ability to not give a fuck whatsoever. She knows she is going straight to hell and has her handbasket all decorated and ready to go. Plus, she is fully aware that Paris Hilton is a utter fucking retard, and that she'll probably be seeing her in hell.

Kathy and IRL

Kathy Griffin before her massive amounts of plastic surgery.

Kathy is constantly running in to people more famous and talented than she is. During her stand-up performances, she provides descriptive retellings of these encounters, followed by a comment about how anorexic/stupid/plastic/crazy/slutty/gay said celebrity is and receiving much gay applause. She will conclude by removing some part of her clothing, reminding her audience of why they switched sides in the first place.

(Author's note: Fuck that, I'd still fuck her. A much better pick than Arguecat.) Good point.

Kathy has a very specific demographic, which is old gays, due to her act consisting of genitalia jokes, and that makes queers laugh. Since most comedic successes are male, they can comprise their act mainly by talking about their own dick. However Kathy does not have that luxury, insisting on the story that she is in fact female, and therefore has to settle on talking about other people's dicks. And that is obviously gay gold.

How ludicrous! Women do not have penises! Why, that's just silly!


Zella, not having a fucking clue

She was fired in 2005 from her job as an E! Channel red-carpet commentator after joking at the Golden Globe Awards that child actress Dakota Fanning had checked into rehab, the most amazing example of IRL trolling to ever exist. That's pretty fucked up considering Dakota practically lives on Sunset Strip.

The Unfunny and Maniac Depressive So-Called "Comedy"

Kathy is famous for several things things in her stand-up routine:

  • Constantly bashing heterosexuals (*cough cough Hypocrite cough cough*)
  • Playing pretend as a meth addicted stripper, working to pay for operation: sex change
  • Glorifying gays and bashing people for judging its nature, while she condemns heterosexuality because the cum has short-circuited her one track mind, soz knowz shez iz confuzedz
  • She's also famous for brining up celebrities in stories where she is a bystander to make herself seem like a success.
  • Continually mentioning and raping the audience with her cunting Grammy, as if she is better than Jesus himself... oh wait... she did say that upon receiving the fucking thing.

The only thing you will get out of her is: anger, awkwardness, reason enough to commit suicide, homicide, and other fun stuff to drill the memories out; basically she's just Joan Rivers' attention whoring, hypocrisy denying lover of Scientology.

People Who Got Butthurt in The Process

Kathy Griffin arriving drunk as fuck at the Grammy's.

Some argue that celebrities are whiny little whores. And for some reason, Kathy's harmless remarks seem to get them all worked up and butthurt. In Kathy's rise to fame through exploitation of the hilarity of other celebrities, many people, groups, and deities have been anally harmed, including Oprah, Clay Aiken, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesus, Miley Cyrus, Celine Dion, The Cast of Desperate Housewives, Steven Spielberg, Dakota Fanning, Ryan Seacrest, Britney Spears, Nadya Suleman, The Catholic Church, Barbara Walters, The Olsen Twins, straight people, and apparently the original author of this masterful article.

Kathy's show has won two Creative Arts Emmy's for Best Reality Show, leaving her with increased confidence and superiority over fellow transexual Cesar Milan.

In order to thank Kathy for bringing attention to their sad shitfest of an awards ceremony, the "Schmemmy's" (As Kathy calls them, yet again inventing a bullshit term that doesn't exist) gave her a second award, nominated her for a third, and let her host the show. Since she is equally awesome at pissing off the religious right as well as being just as shitty for loving faggots, we award her 100 internets, but penalize her 100 internets simultaneously. Ah well, win some lose some.

Maybe you can put it up my butt!


—Kathy winning again

Nevermind. That's a win.

Kathy and the Internets

One of the subjects that make Kathy so lulzy is her hatred towards Catholics, the bunch of kidfuckers! But not all of them. No really, they do fuck kids.

Suck it, Jesus

Suck it Jesus! This award is my God now.


Upon accepting an Emmy for the schmemmys sometime last Monday, Kathy gave thanks to Our Lord in a unique way that sent Larry King over the edge and caused epic lulz among the internets.

For Christs sake, Kathleen! Why did you have to tell Jesus to suck it goddammit??! Jesus Christ Kathleen! What the Christ are you doing this time, I can't even show myself in St. Bernadine's Guitar Mass, goddammit... Sonofabitch! Going after the poor Catholics for Christ's sake, Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph. Like I need this aggravation...


—Kathy Griffin's mom, proving gingers have no souls

Donald Trump Beheading Debacle

In a race to the bottom right where AIDS feces and used Chris Chan Fanta bottles reside, Kathy has been SJWing up in places like CNN (The unfunniest Jew place this side of Jesus' asshole). Doing things like New Year's with Anderson Cooper (which will go down in history as being well remembered as Kenny Roger's Christmas Specials). Since Führer Trump has been dictator, Kathy has literally been bitching non-stop hoping that people will laugh or get a mob together to hang trump up at a McDonald's.

Recently she had the great and original idea of holding Trump's bloody head even though faggots like Marilyn Manson had done it way before she did. This had the opposite reaction by people that she was hoping for as people have said it was inappropriate and distasteful. This has caused her to lose her Job at CNN which caused a spontaneous ticker tape parade on the streets of New York because people don't have to watch that antilulz crap ever again.

Back in the late 2000's on The View Kathy was being an Obama fanboy saying "You must respect the office" to Elisabeth Hasselbeck who talked a lot of shit about him. She is such a patriot unless the president is a successful white billionaire who she is jealous of.

The Press Conference

Instead of handling this like a champ and telling people "FUCK OFF- FREE SPEECH!", Kathy opted to play the victim card. Whining and bitching about it at a press conference was her best strategy. She blamed everyone but herself (because after all she's the true victim here) for her retarded actions including blaming mob mentality (because every 5 year old knows that the best excuse is to say you only did something because everyone else was already doing it), misogyny (of course) and Donald Trump. Hopefully this will end her painfully unfunny career in "comedy". So long, you daft cunt.

See Also

External Links

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