Through the careful investigation and research done by brave EDiots working tirelessly to ensure the factual accuracy of the Juggalo article, Facebook trolls encountered the biggest lolcow in the Juggalo community since Anabelle Lotus, the one and only Jolene JRyda (Powerword: Jolene Hafer). A self proclaimed juggalette and a horrible mother whose failure in life could never be matched; she was a woman who dedicated herself to such fantastic hobbies like being a terrible mother, promising to marry a registered sex offender, smoking weed, showing off her crater tits on the interwebz, flaunting her classy trailer park lifestyle on Failbook, blowing cigarette smoke in her babies face on camera, posing for pictures with a pink pellet gun, dumping her kid off on her mother so she could go drink tequila and do blow all night, and proclaiming to all of Facebook that 'Haters make me famous!'
However, in the end all the haters really made her do was fake her suicide.
In the beginning...
Jolene was your typical girl on the internet who added anyone to her Facebook friends who appeared to be down with the clown and left all her information on her profile public for anyone to see. Jolene basked in the glory of the attention she received from the juggalo community until the good folks at Juggalo Baby Stillborn Depository and Crematorium got their hands on two rather lulzy posts on her profile.
I mean, who wouldn't trust this woman to care for your kids?.
A relatively unknown fact about juggalos is that they believe it's perfectly OK to abuse drugs as long as your children are three hours away from you.
From here, Jolene was left with no option but to claim that nose candy wasn't a cocaine reference, that she had a window open when she smoked with her baby in her arms, and that that it was another women's baby in her lap in the photo where she is showing off her shit-tier Mexican dirt weed. Her personal army of mouth breathing juggatards did their best to white knight for Jolene, but in the end it did no good when confronted with the indisputable proof that was laid in front of them.
Her fiancée tells his best cool story in a failed effort garner support for his juggaho.
He's a lot like Anonymous; lots of empty threats, destined for failure, and an inexpilicable amount of gay porn on hand.
If you ask me, this reads way better than that shitty Navy Seal copypasta.
This caps lock rage fest has nothing to do with the fact that the internet thinks she's a bad mother, but rather because she was temporarily blocked from posting on Facebook due to trolls reporting her account for making offensive posts.
The juggalos and troll spent weeks flinging their own shit at each other like retarded monkeys until dropped a bombshell that forced Jolene to do the one thing that noone thought she would do.
And no, it wasn't simply turning off the computer and attempting to acclimate herself back into the real world.
Goodnight sweet ninja
Jolene had immediately disappeared when confronted with her internet immortality, and many trolls had concluded that she had finally learned her lesson and turned off her computer. The truth was way more lulzy than anyone could have ever imagined, as it turned out that Jolene had done the only reasonable thing to do in this situation:
Immediately after posting this status update on her soon-to-be deactivated Facebook profile, she hatched the perfect plan to shake dem haters off: convince your mom to go along with your faked death on Facebook.
Fun fact: She messaged me three times to ask me to remove the comment from her post because she was too stupid to figure out how to do it herself.
Her mother, continuing her tirade against the dang, dirty, trolls even after her other daughter had attempted to tell the truth in the thread, only to have her comment removed.
Remember that even the most wicked Juggalo moms are susceptible to troll's remorse
While the only people who were stupid enough to believe this bullshit were Juggalos, Jolene did everything in her power to convince the Facebook world that she had in fact killed herself. She sent a poorly written message to the troll who kicked it up a notch in order to gain sympathy with the hopes of getting him to remove the photo from Encyclopedia Dramatica, but since he wasn't a juggalo he knew better and was able to use his powers of deduction to come to the conclusion that all of this was complete bullshit.
The plain fact is that if this woman had actually an hero'd, then the mainstream media who has a boner for stories like these would have jumped on this shit and Faux News would have dedicated a full 24 hours to covering every detail of this story. But in reality, Jolene was past the point of no return and at this point had no other choice but to stick to her story to the bitter end. So she ran with it, going as far as
creating a petition on the White House website LOLDED and creating an anti-cyberbullying memorial page on Facebook that has since been changed to remove all claims of Jolene's death taken over by dang, dirty, trolls reported to hell and back by butthurt juggalos and Mike Long until Facebook finally deleted it. ALSO LOLDED
Lucky for you, one troll was smart enough to snag a screencap of the cyberbullying memorial page prior to Jolene deleting fucking everything.
Fucking hoaxes, how do they work?
Our shitstorm reached critical mass when Jolene's sister proved that at least one person in her family wasn't a complete piece of shit and called her out in front of everyone.
Jolene had no other choice at this point but to disable her Facebook profile and go into damage control. But alas, it was too late. The anti juggalo facebook pages had gotten a hold of the screencap and there was plenty of lulz to go around.
As of now. Jolene is still in hiding and sticking to her story that she is dead. But one would have to wonder exactly how one would be able to create a profile on the Facebook ripoff Juggalobook from beyond the grave?
The one obvious fact we have been able to take from this is that the ghost of Jolene managed to learn absolutely nothing from all of this and is still up to the same old bullshit. Facebook trolls who are currently undercover in the juggalo community assure us that the story is not close to its conclusion and many lulz are still to be had.
Stay tuned... Actually faggot go here nao. OOPS BALEETED BY CYBERPOLICE It turned out that this was all a bunch of bullshit cooked up by Jolene herself and cyberbullying white knight extraordinaire Mike Long.
Cut to one week ago. Jolene, still recovering from a severe case of butthurt, had no choice to admit she had been bested by those dang, dirty, trolls. Mike Long also had his own bone to pick with the same troll whom he believed to be a SUPER SRS CYBERBULLY and had also spammed his Facebook profile with tranny porn after Mike was stupid enough to send him a friend request. Through the actions of her sockpuppet account, she conspired with self proclaimed Tea Bagger Mike Long and some retarded juggacunt named Viv White to fake her own death.
When all else fails, say this looks shopped.
Since taking advice from rednecks and juggalos is always a good idea, Jolene went forward with the plan of faking her own death. Only she didn't plan on anyone in her family having any moral objections to this horrible idea and she was forced to panic and delete everything from her memorial page once the screenshots were leaked of her sister being a decent human being. Since they didn't have any real proof of Jolene's fake suicide, they removed all claims of her definite suicide, disabled her IRL account, and changed the official statement of the cyberbullying page to "Yes at first this page was dedicated to Jolene, There are holes in the story of her death, So we decided to take a different route. Now this page like all of you has a past. No one should be judged from there past, they should be seen as a person.-Paul". They then pretended to to hand the page over to some faggot named Paul, which anyone reading this bullshit knows that Paul never existed. In reality, it turned the cyberbullying page into watching one stupid fucking redneck argue with himself to try to gain the trust of trolls.
While nobody was stupid enough to buy any of this shit, it was tolerated only for the fact that watching Mike Long argue with himself with multiple Facebook accounts was pretty fucking lulzy. When everyone got tired of his bullshit, Viv White's profile got stolen from her because she was stupid enough to have her facebook password as 'juggalo'. The Juggaslows of the Facebook world all shed a tear for their fallen ninja, and the world carried on. Even Jolene couldn't figure it out until someone literally spelled it out for her.
Jolene trying to figure out who was phone.
In the aftermath of all this stupid retarded bullshit, Mike Long and Jolene JRyda eventually came out of hiding, and although they definitely learned a leasson it's evident that they are still up to their same old bullshit. Viv White's account has become a memorial for the stupidity of juggalos and their internet security, and Mike Long is still on Facebook hiding behind the anonymity of a page for stupid rednecks to cry about losing their gun rights. Jolene's baby daddy has finally got sick of her shit, which has to be an all time low for her when a registered sex offender is unwilling to tolerate your faggotry, internet-based or otherwise. Currently both parties are gearing up for a custody battle that regardless of the outcome will have only one loser. And despite her claims after breaking up with her baby daddy of going to school and getting her own place, all she really did was move to Texas and fall in love with the first wicked clown dick she could get her hands on. She now has another baby with a different man while her other three kids are stuck with their sex offender father.
What all of this drama and bullshit really boils down to is this : Jolene faked her own death due to her supposed cyberbullying by 1337 HaX0rZ, and the reason she did this (in her own words) was to ensure that nobody else ever had to go through the hardships of being bullied that she went through. In reality, if she never would have barged her way into a page on Facebook that obviously shared a differing opinion on her way of life and started a fight with people who thrive on pissing other people off, none of this would have ever fucking happened. If Jolene would have turned off her fucking computer, and was able to continue living the life that she had chosen for herself without becoming extremely butthurt over what a bunch of faggots on the internet thought about her way of life this article you are reading would have never existed.
Let this be a lesson, that even when it comes to two middle aged men who wear makeup and rap about magnets... The Internet Is Serious Business.
UPDATE: Jolene has now fled the shit state of Arizona, dumped her three kids on her sex offender ex-fiancee to take care of alone, and has now infested the great state of Texas with her shitty clown lifesyle. She now sits her saggy ass at home while her new wicked clown gangsta boyfriend works hard to provide her with the opportunity of smoking Mexican dirt weed all day while she attention whores on her facebook page,
Juggalo Juggalette Love lulz she actually got her adminship removed after her juggalo fam got sick of her bullshit. It's blatantly obvious that Jolene has learned absolutely nothing, seeing as how she still posts lots of pictures of weed on her profile, brags about not having her children anymore, and then finds the nerve to whine about the heat she's brought upon herself from police. Also worth noting is the fact that when it comes to her and her sex offender baby daddy, the sick fuck who diddled underage kids is the better parent who stepped up and took care of his kids in the end. Israel Browning, aka Izzy Weed, this bottle of Faygo is for you. Oh yeah, and Jolene is still trying to have more had another kid when she can't even provide for the three she already has and refuses to stop smoking weed or drinking cheap, shitty beer.
As for Viv White, she is out in the FaceSpace with a new profile while the one that was hacked has been claimed by the trolls of Facebook until the end of time. One time Viv had an autistic breakdown on the cyberbullying page she herself created, complete with threats of cyber police and FBI investigations.
Everyone wave goodbye to tomorrow's Supreme Gentleman.
- Juggalo Holocaust
- Streisand Effect
- Insane Clown Posse
- White Trash
- Attention Whore
- Asking For It
- Taking Down ED
- Shitty Attack Article
- Anabelle Lotus
- Angelique DeSatanos
- Pop Parenting
- The original screencap that unleashed a shitstorm upon Facebook and made Juggalos cry everywhere.
- Jolene's Faceboook
- You guessed it, one more fucking Facebook profile.
- Who the fuck needs three Facebook accounts?
- Her myspace account
- Jolene's Instagram. Worth noting is that out off 66 pictures in her profile, only one of them is a picture of a child and it isn't even her own child.
- The father of Jolene's unfortunate children, a registered sex offender who seemed to be MIA through all this bullshit except to tell us 'carmas a bitch u low life scum bag'
- The troll who caused a juggalette to commit suicide because of super srs clown-related internets bznss.
- The stupid juggalette who was dumb enough to have her facebook password set as 'juggalo'.
- Viv White's unhacked account.
- A shitty juggaturd facebook page that Jolene runs along with another couple of juggawhores. She has now been removed from adminship due to all the bullshit that comes along with having an admin who faked her death on Facebook.
Jolene's fake memorial page turned anti-cyberbullying page turned troll hangout.baleeted
- The closed Juggalo group on Facebook that was taken over by trolls as a result of Viv White's password retardation. The lulz is strong with this one.
Jolene's fradulent petition with the White House to combat cyberbullying using her faked death to garner support- Deleted.
- The anti-juggalo Facebook group responsible for birthing this lolcow
- Her profile on Salespider.com, which for some reason has a good amount of her dox for anyone who wants them.
- Reverbnation profile
- Jolene's Youtube channel
- Jolene's Pinterest
- Jolene's Google+ page
- Soundcloud profile
- Profile on screenr.com
- Her listia profile
- Jolene's profile on meetme.com
- StumbleUpon profile
- What the fuck is Runfaces?
Jolene JRyda is part of a series on
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