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Hello Kitty

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Hello Kitty was created by Sanrio, a Japanese company created solely to be an outlet for desperate young women to recover some semblance of innocence. Those who actually find Hello Kitty to be an enjoyable, lovable character need to be euthanized post-haste.

Hello Kitty Fandom Is Not Harmless

The following is a true story about the descent into Hello Kitty madness.

Just keep telling yourself that.
"Damaged Goods"

I live in a Hello Kitty Hell, no ifs, ands or buts about it. ... What makes it even more of a hell is that it is the result of my own doing. I have nobody to blame but myself which makes the daily torture that much more intense. I live with it because I helped to create it, I initially encouraged it and it gradually engulfed me until there was no escape…

The story has a simple beginning. My wife has always thought that Hello Kitty was cute, purchasing an item here and there to display. When we decided to purchase a house, we decided that extra income would be a necessity to afford the place we wanted. To accomplish this, I suggested that she should take any hobby she enjoyed and we could make it into a money making venture. Her choice was Hello Kitty.

Thinking back, I should have seen the red flags waving all around me. I should have made her pick something else right then and there, but it never occurred to me that she could turn the hobby into a full fledged business. I also never imagined that one day I would have to live in a house full of Hello Kitty.

The problem was that I imagined that she would only be able to sell a few items a week to bring in a little extra cash. I mean, who would ever imagine that some people are so fanatical they would pay more than $100 for a Hello Kitty plush (that’s a stuffed doll for those not into Hello Kitty collecting)? They exist and not only that, they exist in numbers which has enabled my wife to turn Hello Kitty into a profitable business. The problem is that when she discovered she could make money with Hello Kitty, her hobby greatly expanded to include practically anything Hello Kitty.

So I now find myself in a catch 22 Hello Kitty Hell. I encouraged her to turn her hobby into a money making venture so I can’t really ask her to stop, but you have to start questioning if it has gone too far when you have 4 different types of Hello Kitty toilet paper to choose from in the bathroom. If 4 types of toilet paper wasn’t bad enough, one of the rolls actually mocks my Hello Kitty Hell ... doesn’t it look like Hello Kitty is flipping me off as she winks at me?

So here I sit, trapped in cute overkill created in part by my own doing, with my only means of release being what you’re reading now. Welcome to my living hell and rejoice in the fact that life will never get this bad for you.

Who Enters This Madness?

Helping damaged women sleep through the night.

Women. Oh, and men who think they are women. It starts innocently, just like the true story above. A pair of socks with the evil feline's face, a pink bow on a Christmas ornament, or perhaps some suspiciously pink lipstick make it into her bag.

If she's Wapanese it's the fascination with Japan that gets her started. Or maybe she's a fat, hog-ugly unfuckable attempting to be kawaii by adding poorly drawn bow-wearing felines to her clothing. There's also the few creepy uncles who like to give Hello Kitty as gifts to his "extra SPECIAL little girl".

Then she goes, "I already have one and like it, what's the harm of one more?"

Since Sanrio makes everything under the sun with Hello Kitty on it this quickly spirals into Hello Kitty everything! Hello kitty dolls line the walls. Hello kitty is on her shirt, pants, shoes, socks, bra, panties, and contact lenses (yes, those are real). You go to the bathroom and there's Hello Kitty toilet paper next to the hello kitty toilet and suspiciously feline soap on the edge of the now pink sink. She tries to be sexy and brings out the Hello Kitty lingerie, vibrator, and condoms.

No sane person can stand Hello Kitty Hell for long so the woman quickly finds herself alone as her man will leave her and her sane friends will quietly avoid her at all times. It's a special form of self-imposed furfag isolation done to protect the world from the now infected "fan".

With nobody else to turn to, she turns to the echo chamber of other fans who see nothing wrong with this at all. In fact the fans say you're wrong for getting mad at their little, harmless collection and you're evil for not finding Hello Kitty cute.

The typical conversation goes something like this: How dare they insult the lovable bastion of childhood innocence that is Hello Kitty! She is sweetness and light! Everyone loves Hello Kitty unless they're rotten and evil and you don't need those people anyway. Oh, and did you see that brand new Hello Kitty gun with the hello kitty bullets? Try it with the hello kitty gunshot mufflers when you go shoot those Hello Kitty targets at the gun range while you choke back years of repressed rage and pain. Don't forget those Hello Kitty tissues to wipe away those bitter tears. She's the one really there for you now...

Now fully brainwashed and confirmed by the fandom echo chammer, the newly forged "fan" buys more Hello Kitty in hopes of making that hole in her life go away. Maybe enough cat-shaped crap with pink bows will make the memories fade? Hint: it never does.

Other Mutated Animals

Landry the motherfucking adorable Raccoon!

Think you're safe because your lady is one of the few who isn't into cats? You're wrong. Sanrio also raped the image of raccoons, tigers, penguins, rabbits, other cats, puppies, fish, Your mom, and Stalin. A surprising amount of lulz or at least uncomfortable irritation is to be had on the confusing page of characters, including an gay male ballerina kitty and a panda made of APPLE which Hello Kitty poops out from time to time.

Here's a few highlights.

  • Badtz-Maru: a Troll-penguin hybrid marketed to edgy teens and skater bois.
  • Charmmy Kitty: A pet cat owned by Hello Kitty. Don't think about it too hard...
  • Landry: A little boy raccoon who loves eating sausages and hanging out in the bath tub.
  • Wish me mell: A care bear knockoff that hides this fact by being a rabbit

Hello Kitty Invades Comic-Con

Hello Kitty SDCC2013.png

You would think Comic-Con, the bastion of virgin male nerds would be immune from the evil feline's influence. You thought wrong. In the 2013 San Diego Comic-Con she had her own special booth area called "Hello Kitty Fashion Music Wonderland". In a shocking display of eye-rape it was bright fucking neon pink with neon blue stripes and had Hello kitty looking especially trashy in a neon J-pop Idol outfit with fake pony tails, face makeup, and an especially ugly polkadotted bow. The booth was marked "Kitty Chan Secret Space", and should have remained a secret. Sadly, the fans found out through heavy marketing Via the Sanrio website and many unfortunate men were made to wait hours in line to go through hello Kitty Hell, only to end up with especially gaudy cat-shaped crap and an empty wallet as his only reward.

Making things even worse for anyone with sanity left, this was an expanded booth: Sanrio rented out the nearby "Petco Park" to host even more Hello Kitty crap, calling it an "interactive zone". Of course this space, too, was used to heavily market Sanrio products like their brand new graphic novel "Hello Kitty Fashion Music Wonderland". The products were peddled by Japanese women well past their prime in gaudy J-pop style dresses and way too much makeup that called themselves Hello Kitty's "Lolita Friends". This so far off the mark of an actual Loli that somewhere, if you listen closely, you can still hear the echoes of Pedobear's screams. There were also the obligatory Hello Kitty Mascots wandering around, frightening small children and giving furries something else to masturbate to.

Hello Kitty not only had her own expanded booth area, she also is going to be teaming up with DC comics to ruin such famous male staples as Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman with her very special Girl Power comic books.

This will naturally cause men already beleaguered by the money-grubbing feline much distress as the Girlfriend will pick up the comic, claim she is now "totally into comics, which are like your comics, so this makes it OK". Saying that having a vague parallel to actual comics not made to whore out for more Jew gold is just an attempt to have more argument ammo so she can use "having the same hobby as you" as an excuse to buy even more overpriced, gaudy cat with a bow on it crap. Of course this will lead to more arguments and further speed up the natural process of everyone leaving the Hello Kitty fan alone to stew among other fans. In the end, the only winner is Sanrio.

Sanrio's Statement To Its Fans

Dear loyal buyer-sama,

We appreciate so muchly the purchase of Hello Sanrio Kitty Chibi Honorable Kawaii! Our mission is to provide super happy good experience to Herro Kitty-chan customer with A-1 taste.

We proud that kawaii designs make happy the peoples and skin the fruit Hello Kitty-chan and Sanrio have make in 1974. We say small gift make happy big smile!

We treasure most honorable customer-sama and bring great honor upon your families though purchase of deluxe goods. Continue buying and to be owning for Herro Kitty-chan We continue blotting away memory of Bad Uncle touch you down where!

Through the smiles customer-sama our brand is constantly rewarded.


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