Goldeneye 007

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Goldeneye 007 was revolutionary as it contained Rumble Support, 4 players, and hot chicks, features that many gamers had never even experienced or seen.
His mouth stretches past the gun.

The greatest first person shooter, and greatest licensed game ever made according to everyone except Jack Thompson, Goldeneye was able to sell over 9000 copies. In 1997, anyone who had a Nintendo 64 had Goldeneye, as there were no other games to play besides Mario, Zelda, and various piles of shit. Oh, and it was based off the 1995 James Bond movie GoldenEye.

Single Player

Truth is, no one gave a flying fuck about the story in Goldeneye, which sort of follows the plot of the movie that came out two years before the game did. Remember that in the 90s, Americans cared as much for James Bond as the French cared for bathing, because of the epic fail of the Timothy Dalton films (which purists believe hews closer to the source material than the lulz of the Roger Moore films). Simply put, a bunch of bad Commies are using the Goldeneye satellite to detonate an EMP on London for lulz and revenge. Bond saves the world by going through a linear, non-branching path, killing every idiot AI who tries to stop him. Oh, and aside from killing everyone, you also have to do shit like take pictures, get keys, turn generators on and off, and protect the slow, bullet-magnet of a Bond Girl named Natalya, who is a good Commie. And we all know the only good commie is a dead commie, amirite? Aside from the cancerous story, gameplay is pretty average, though adapted to the N64's shitty control scheme. The player walks around through non-linear levels, shooting up guards standing in his way, and completing pointless objectives, of which there are more to do at higher difficulties. Enemy AI is absolutely horrible, as all they do is run around and shoot, but this is counterbalanced by the wide variety of lulzy kill animations for them, based on location. It was considered revolutionary at release that you could shoot a guard in the dick and he'd grab it for one last fap before he keeled over. Notably, though, enemies can wield pretty much every weapon in the game; while 99 percent of the time they'll have a KF7 Soviet (aka an AK-47), they'll sometimes pack various other weaponry, and great fun can be had if the "Enemy Rocket Launchers" cheat is enabled. Enjoy your explosive rape. Because this is a console shooter, it has a horrifically generous aimbot (with the exception of 00 Agent, aka Hard mode, where you actually have to exercise three brain cells to aim yourself), with the ability to aim with an on-screen crosshair if you feel like specifically aiming for a guard's various body parts. The guns all have rather lazy reloading animations, consisting of them dipping off the screen and back up, playing a bolt-racking noise. There is a large variety of very similar weapons, mostly just automatic SMGs or rifles, with the odd pistol, sniper rifle, shotgun, or explosive weapon thrown in. In practice you'll just use one in particular because you can't be assed to choose all of them, and the bog-standard KF7 Soviet is functional enough to use in pretty much every situation.

I can haz all Bonds nao?

For England, James? No, for the lulz.


Original quote from Goldeneye


The most popular feature of Goldeneye was the multiplayer deathmatch. Goldeneye was a great murder simulator for its time, as it featured one-hit kills, a decent variety of levels, a shitload of hidden playable characters, and different gameplay settings.

But how did four people play against each other in a first person shooter before the time of Xbox Live? Enter Split Screen, which had the amazing ability to make your pathetic 20 inch TV even more gay by splitting it in half or into four separate screens... hence the term, split screen, r-tard. It made camping impossible as your opponent could look to your screen and know exactly where you were. It made trash talk awkward as the guy calling you a pussy was a couple feet away from you and well within beatdown distance. And lastly, it completely killed the ability to be anonymous and talk shit over a headset to your fellow players. It also made the N64 lag, making it slow enough for retards who can't handle the action.

Originally, you could only select from about eight different character models, which were the main characters of the game. This led to people rushing to be the first to select James Bond as their character, because no one wanted to be stuck as any of the Commies. Then you could unlock four secret characters, which were villains from the Bond films: Baron Samedi, Mayday, Jaws, and Oddjob, who fulfilled stereotyping conditions and was a midget. On top of these hidden characters were a couple dozen others you could unlock all at once with a button code. These super sekrit characters were really just the enemy body models with shitty face-mappings of the developers, as we all know video game developers suffer from severe cases of unwarranted self-importance.

As previously stated, there were multiple gameplay settings. One was "Slappers Only", which, like the film's co-star, Alan Cumming, is gay as fuck. It was basically playing Friday Night Sissy Fights in a first-person view. Some argue the best mode was The Man With The Golden Gun, which puts out one spawn point of the Golden Gun, which is a one-hit kill weapon, not unlike AIDS.


DK Mode

DK Mode is the first and easiest cheat in the game. It increases the size of the player's head tenfold and elongates the player's arms. This makes the player look like an ape. In fact, DK probably stands for Donkey Kong. This mode is achievable by completing the third level (Runway) in under 5 minutes. DK Mode also makes an appearance in Perfect Dark.

This cheat has inspired some photoshop artists on /b/ as well, once they noticed that enlargening the heads of porn models made them look anime and neotenic.

Get Down/Geddan

Get Down/Geddan originated as a glitch in the game. Whenever the game cartridge isn't properly inserted into the console, characters and objects within the game have the tendency to spaz out and spin around frantically. This meme is popular amongst the Japanese, who parody the glitch in YouTube videos with Japanese remix music. Though due to the fact next to no in Japan except little kids actually had the N64 making the meme short lived. In the Summer in the City Youtube gathering of 2010, on Saturday, August 7th, Youtube user littleradge made history with the world's biggest Geddan. This caused massive explosion of epic win in London. Major lulz were to be had that day.


Sadly the Japs at Nintendo lost the license of Bond to EA, resulting in the James Bond video games to follow the last two Brosnan and both Dalton movies in terms of shitshowiness. The first of these was the PlayStation version of Tomorrow Never Dies, which somehow had worse graphics than Goldeneye. There have been spiritual successors to Goldeneye 007, and one really horrible sellout.

  • Perfect Dark: There are some who will tell you that Perfect Dark is even better than Goldeneye. Perfect Dark had a better story with a female secret agent and warring aliens, better graphics, better multi-player, over 9000 weapons, voice actors instead of just text, and decent cutscenes.
  • TimeSplitters: Developed by the people who made Goldeneye, Timesplitter' is actually pretty fucking good and had tons of humor and sexual innuendo. It was truly overshadowed by Halo.
  • Goldeneye Source: Decent multi-player mod of Half Life 2 plagued by hackers destroying the userbase. It is notable for the fact that the director of the mod became an hero on May 24, 2006 by inhaling carbon monoxide from a charcoal grill, which set the rest of his apartment building on fire. This proved that being a flaming fag really could lead to real fires being started. Average match contains 2 players instead of the many players the room was designed to hold, due to the obscurity of the game itself.
  • GoldenEye: Rogue Agent: A game that has done more damage to Goldeneye 007 than rule 34 ever would. Basically, EA took some retarded geek's fanfic and made a game based on it. Goldeneye is not a satellite in this game, but a fucking cybernetic eyeball made out of gold and shoved in a rogue 00 agent's eye socket. Couple that with uninspired mediocre gameplay and all of the classic Bond villains still being alive and warring against each other.


See Also

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