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Gary Kirk

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Gary in his Nazi days

Gary Kirk is a good example of a common Wikipedia user, famed throughout southeast England as a child who pretends to be friends with minor celebrities. He has created such dull articles as The Technical Reason for Win.ini Files in Protocol Usage. Outside his computer, he has a typically poor love-life. He also enjoys making friends with recently cyber-raped tarts such as Sergeant Snopake and her abuser, Nathanr.

Claim to Fame and Cock

Gary's life changed for good when he encountered the internets for the first time. It was like a sexual awakening, but with no sex involved. He realised that a world of information and more importantly, random girls were at his fingertips. Between this time and now, he has been on the internet, except a slight pause when he bought his infamous briefcase.

Alleged Friends He Has Touched Close Up

Gary Kirk is known for his list of "friends" he has seen nude. It is well known all these people are twats of the highest order, and are all listed in the Top 50 People I'd Most Like To See Eaten By A Dinosaur List.

Love Affairs

In the small world outside his computering activites, Kirk is notorious for being quite "popular" with members of the opposite sex. Using the tools at his disposal (including a mobile phone, PDA, Wikipedia, and MSN Messenger) he has attempted to 'woo' many a sexy lady and take them back to his Castle of Love in the hopes they appreciate the way he calls and texts and emails them non-stop all the time. However, under this seemingly stalker-like persona lies a man who is just longing for understanding in this world and has an unmatched gift for sneaking up on and scaring the hell out of people.

His numerous conquests, all met on teh internet, include:

  • Jessica - A youthful folly, who he did not get over for eight years after his request for pictures was turned down.
  • Emma - The brief romance was ruined when she met him in person, and he spilt Rolos on her in a sexual ploy. His attempts to get her back included pasting and forwarding emails she had once sent and begging her to read out the number of kisses - there were two - leading to him being branded a stalker.
  • Sophie - He was bemused when this innocent young lady did not reply to his messages after he met up. He proceeded to send emails to inform her he'd text her notifying her he was going to ring her at 2.35pm.
  • Claire - Success was mingled with affection when kirk finally asked someone out, after meeting the lovely Claire, and the relationship was great until they met in person. He spent two hours in her bedroom listening to the radio and was then mysteriously dumped.
  • Miss X - He developed a fondness for a very fit teacher at his local education centre, who has been described by others as "Ergh!" and "ARrrgh gaaaarghh fucking argggh!!"
  • Girl No. 6 - "She's hot!" Gary giggled. Her feelings are unlikely to be mutual.
  • Girl No 7 - A new love of Gary's is "always there for him". She has yet to unblock Kirk. He once mistook her for the famed whale 'Moby Dick'.
  • Angela Beesley "Oh Gary," giggled Angela as she walked around her desk in front of the timid looking boy holding his briefcase tightly. Gary felt his throat tighten up, it was almost like he couldn't breathe. "As I was saying, the wiki code on urm... Holcombe Manor.. how could i *gulp* improve it?" he mumbled, but his eyes were not on his pda.


It was reported in early 2006 that Garald had disappeared, his PDA and Mobile Phone were found to be unused for seven days. He was assumed dead, for this was behaviour so unexpected, and it was impossible he may have otherwise lost them so carelessly, they being his only friends. However it turns out that he had just gone to Ireland, where Michael Burton left his Harry Potter book on a bookshelf and didn't tell him.

Quotes by Gary

  • "Pow!" (Pulls Hand from pocket/trousers and pretends to shoot at people)
  • "Why won't she text back?"
  • "Is Lisa online?"
  • "Michael Burton shat in my bath!"
  • "Insert Wikipedia Content"
  • During Career Interview: "Well, I would like to work on Wikipedia all day long..."
  • "I want sex, it's not fair, I need a girl to shag..."
  • "I prefer really hairy girls, you know?"
  • "I want sex on a bench"

(Pleasant) Quotes About Gary

  • "I dont really know him - all he does is sends me lots of emoticons."
  • "Annoying."
  • "Very shy but sweet really. Lovin' the briefcase though... haha!"
  • "Garald is a rather eccentric old fool, much like Harold Bishop from neighbours."

External links

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