The fedora (or brony-burka) is a hat with a small to medium-sized brim and its main section creased down the middle and pinched at the front end. The fedora is the elusive third piece of the three-piece suit.
The fedora was once the undisputed king of all hats, invented by top headwear scientists in the 1910s. All hats were lesser compared to the almighty fedora, until its untimely death at the hands of a million losers desperately trying to look cool, resulting in the fedora being co-opted as the official hat of autism.
As such, most fedoras nowadays are from Target or Wal-Mart, are made of shit cloth instead of felt and are only worn by basement dwellers who think that having it perched atop their greasy tangle of nasty-ass hair automatically makes them as cool as everyone in the following list.
The Fedora In Media (Or 'The Big List Of People Who Can Actually Look Cool In A Fedora')
The fedora has made a reputation for itself in various forms of media, examples include:
- Everybody in the Godfather movies
- Indiana Jones
- Everybody in Cinderella Man (despite the title)
- Everybody in TF2
- Indiana Jones
- Humphrey Bogart
- Frank Sinatra
- Tom Landry
- Indiana Jones
- Johnny Depp
- Young Indiana Jones
- Al Roker, but he only straight-up rocks that shit on chilly days.
- Inspector Gadget, and his had a helicopter built into it.
- Freddy Krueger
- Indiana Jones
- Some of the chicks from that Chicago movie, this is what is known in The Biz as "Pure Sex"
- Indiana Jones
- This crazy Butterfly-Mobster from the Shin Megami Tensei video game series.
The Fedora Today
The fedora was hunted nearly to extinction at least 100 years ago when they invented dumbass little round hats around the 1940s and then later baseball caps. Now fedoras are found primarily on urban-type hipster assholes who aren't worthy of wearing the apex of hat technology. If you wear a fedora today, prepare to be laughed at. Instead, look up the wide variety of other hats one can still wear, and get one online.
The Evolution Of A Faggot In A Fedora
- Get bullied all through school for being a nerd.
- Decide to take cool and own it.
- Purchase a fedora - an item which is considered a physical embodiment of cool.
- Abandon all other aspects of cool, such as physique, personality, clothing and style.
- Ride that one cool item you possess towards your hopes and dreams of coolness.
- Look like a spastic.
Keep in mind you can add to the look with fingerless gloves, a horrible neckbeard that looks like dead spiders, and a retro t-shirt.
Identifying a fedora-wearer on the internet
Despite the general anonymity provided by the world-wide-web, there are several methods that can be used to track down and properly classify a fedora-wearing faggot.
One of the most vital steps in identification of the fedora-wearer is where most of their time online is spent, because fedora users tend to travel in large packs, they are easiest to spot in the following locations:
- TV Tropes
- Any brony-related community
- Any "geek" apparel related website
- Possibly tumblr (but only to masturbate to images of scene girls)
- Anti-GamerGate/SJW/castrated faggots.
- Pro-GamerGate/MRA/embittered permavirgins.
The next step in the identification process is quite possibly the most important: their tastes in media. Those who wear fedoras often accredit themselves as having a highly developed taste for the arts, this however is not true.
Entry-level cinema is a particular favorite of fedorafags, if the target mentions any of the following as being a "monumental", "groundbreaking", "creative", or even simply "good" film, there is a high likelihood they were wearing a fedora while doing so:
- Fight Club
- Donnie Darko
- Any Lord of the Rings movie
- Any Quentin Tarantino movie
- The Cornetto Trilogy
- Scott Pilgrim
- Any post-1960's Stanley Kubrick movie
- The Matrix
If the target's preference for film cannot be obtained (which is unlikely since fedorafags love to share their "excellent" taste in movies they perceive as being "deep"), there is also a chance they will at one point share their taste in music. The artists enjoyed by fedora-wearers are just as generic as the films they watch, and include but are not limited to:
- The Beatles
- Caravan Palace
- Any heavy metal band
- Post-1972 Pink Floyd
- The soundtrack to L.A. Noire or Fallout
There is also a slim chance the person in question may try to brandish the fantastic taste they have in literature as well. It should be noted that the only novels fedorafags have read are those they were forced to in high school; nevertheless, they often praise such juvenile works as:
- A Catcher in the Rye
- Jonathan Livingston Seagull
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Anything by Poe
- Anything by Stephen King
- Anything by Ayn Rand
Fedorafags also like to think of themselves as funny, incredibly witty guys who have such a sophisticated sense of humor that whenever they make a joke and receive only stony silence/contemptuous looks from all the casuals around them, it's only because either A) they don't get it because they're too dumb to grasp the complex subtleties of the joke or B) they're so shocked by the totally edgy, uncompromising, in-your-face humor that their little sheeple lives have been thrown into complete disarray. Comedians favored by fedora-wearers include:
Why To Avoid Dating Or Befriending A Fedorafag
How dare you insult the fedora, you jealous ass haters!
Fedoras accentuate autism wonderfully
Apparently L. Ron Hubbard thinks fedora hats are an evil from a past alien civilization, and Scientologists are forbidden to wear them. Of course, there is a picture of L. Ron from before he started Scientology wearing a fedora, but they like to keep that hidden.
The Fedora as Softwarez
You can plug your hat into the Matrix and many lulz will ensue; doing this also has the benefit of providing a permanent +6 charisma enchantment to your fedora, and adds the "Jaunty" and "Rakish" commands to its setlist.
No, Srsly: The Fedora as Softwarez
Faildora Core is an RPM-based Linux distribution, developed by the community-supported Fedora Project and sponsored by Red Hat. The name derives from Red Hat's characteristic fedora used in its "Shadowman" logo. However, the Faildora community project had existed as a volunteer group providing extra software for the Red Hat Linux distribution before Red Hat got involved as a direct sponsor. Faildora is the pseudo l337 bleeding-edge piece of shit from RedHat used by geeks to satisfy their masochistic needs.
Vs. The Trilby
There is virtually no difference between Fedoras and Trilbies, but the dastardly Jew cabal that pulls the strings of Wikipedia and the world at large would have you believe otherwise. According to Wikipedia a Trilby is "a soft felt men's hat with a narrow brim and a deeply indented crown." while a Fedora is described as "a soft felt hat that is creased lengthwise down the crown and pinched in the front on both sides." Wut. I think a Trilby might be a tiny bit narrower than a Fedora, but beyond that it's the same hat. I will kill myself if you can prove the two styles of the hat are significantly different, but you can't, so I wont. Actually, trilbies have a curve in the back of the hat while fedoras are straight in the back of the hat.
The Trilby is not to be confused with Trilby, the dashing gentleman-thief from those spiffy point-and-click Adventure games made by Yahtzee Croshaw, that guy who talks really fast about crummy videogames. Unlike the Angry Video Game Nerd, Yahtzee Croshaw covers more recent crummy games and wears a Fedora/Trilby IRL.
The Female Fedora
The equivalent of the male feminist white knight or MRA (or female "anti-feminist" in rare cases like Dumblr Feminist). Fedora is the strictly feminist female's unnaturally colored hair.
Popular in SJW circles, it a fashion statement made by such people as Zoe Quinn, Big Red and Randi Harper. 99.9% of the time, this is also accentuated by short cuts and hair styles due to the irony that long hair is more feminine and less "tough" than SJWs desire to be, but paradoxes them by only communicating that they all want to be dikes and dickgirls because real feminism isn't tough enough.
The Feminist hair is often combined with the "Problem Glasses".
Famous Fedora Faggots
People of today who wear fedoras
- Male feminists
- Many TGWTG members
- Men's rights activists
- Nice Guys
|Featured article October 27 & October 28, 2013|
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