Fallout: Shadow of Boston
Fallout: Shadow of Boston (known in Japan as Shadow of Boston: Fallout Gaiden and often incorrectly referred to as Fallout 4) is an Open World FPS/RPG by Bugthesda Shitworks, the creators of such classics as I took an arrow in the knee and Stop right there, criminal scum!, that was released on November 10th, 2015. It is at least the 10th installment in the Fallout franchise, although it is only about the 4th one to actually be released due to most of them being complete shit and never making it out of beta. While the official announcement and trailer for Shadow of Boston were released on June 3rd, 2015 – News about the development of the game was in 2013 by reliable gaming news outlet Kotaku, but noone actually believed them at the time because they're Kotaku.
Before it was even released – Shadow of Boston had already become the undisputed 3rd place finalist for 2015's Game of the Year (behind only Call of Duty: Black Ops III and Undertale), the recipient of many awards and had even earned the fan nickname "Skyrim With Guns" as a testament to its amazing quality. It has also managed to catch the attention of professional feminist video game critic Anita Sarkeesian and other assorted anti-GamerGate muppets due to its depiction of women and its absurd levels of gore and ultra-violence (something that's been present in the series since its debut in 1997).
Shadow of Boston takes place in Boston, after the nuclear apocalypse (now referred to as "The Commonwealth"), and puts you into the role of a pre-war husbando or waifu with an infant son named Shaun (whose appearance is dynamically generated!) and a robot butler named Codsworth (who can actually say your name!). The game begins with a distinctly last-gen-looking Vault-Tec salesman knocking on your door and making you fill out some boring forms, you then slam the door in his face before he can even finish talking. Five minutes later, you go to change Shaun's diaper and the apocalypse suddenly begins.
You rush your family to Vault 111 (but you're forced to leave Codsworth behind because robots are second-class citizens) and you manage to get into the Vault right as the bomb goes off. It is then revealed that Vault 111 consists only of cryogenic chambers and, in order to survive the apocalypse, you'll need to be frozen along with your family. You then wake up 210 years later as "The Sole Survivor" of Vault 111 – Your spouse has been murdered and Shaun has been kidnapped, OMG!!!!!11 After which you immediately return home, get Codsworth to make you dinner and then go out and buy a dog. From there, you will explore the most ambitious and bug-filled world that Bethesda has created since their 2011 smash hit, Skyrim.
The rest of the game's main story will revolve around finding out what actually happened to Shaun – Although we all know that you'll spend far more time doing stupid fetch quests and level grinding than you'll spend searching for your kidnapped kid. Assuming that you are actually looking for your son, you will eventually learn that Shaun was kidnapped by The Institute and the Brotherhood of Steel will recruit you to find and destroy The Institute before they can spread their cancer across the Commonwealth.
It's also safe to say that you will eventually save Shaun from an evil German loli only to have him commit suicide a few hours later in order to protect a water purifier from Dubya – Since the whole game is obviously just going to be an enhanced HD remake of Fallout 3.
Shadow of Boston features a colourful cast of characters and potential companions. It has also been revealed that everyone in the game is bi and you will be able to romance your companions regardless of their gender. Unfortunately, Bethesda later clarified that you won't be able to fuck the dog or the robot - The furries and mechanophilies let out a massive collective BAWWWWW in response to this revelation. Here is a list of the characters that we know of thus far.
[☢ I want my family back! ☢]
- Your husbando if you choose to play as a female character. Was originally named Howard during the E3 reveal.
- Your infant son whose appearance is generated based on his parents. He gets abducted by Zod at some point between between 2077 and 2287.
- Your robot butler who, you after 210 years of sitting around the house doing nothing, immediately calls you "Fuckface" when you come back to the ruins of your home. Possible companion, but you apparently can't fuck him.
- Your pet dog and emergency food supply. You find him outside a Red Rocket service station early in the game. Possible companion who, much to the furries' dismay, is also unfuckable.
- Works for Faux News, bringing you the truth. Possible companion and fuckbuddy. Looks like a lesbian but is actually bi, just like everyone else in the game.
- A super mutant who enjoys Shakespeare. Possible companion and likely a possible fuckbuddy.
- That annoying brat who was the mayor of Little Lamplight in Fallout 3. Possible companion and fuckbuddy.
- A black gentleman who is the leader of The Commonwealth Minutemen, whoever the fuck they are. Possible companion and fuckbuddy.
Kellogg a.k.a. The Artist Formerly Known as Zod
- This fine gentleman comes to your door and miraculously offers you and your family a place in Vault 111 about 5 minutes before the apocalypse begins. How lucky!
- Despite working for Vault-Tec, some soldiers keep him from entering Vault 111 and he turns into a zombie.
- The annoying radio host that you hated listening to in Fallout 3 is NOT COMING BACK BECAUSE HE GOT FIRED!
- Who is he? Why does he help? Noone cares.
Based on the pre-release footage of the game, it's obvious to everyone that Shadow of Boston is basically just Fallout 3 with a few minor changes that are all the result of constant bitching by the same casuals who shit their pants every single time that they encountered a Feral Ghoul Reaver or Super Mutant Overlord in Broken Steel. Unlike Fallout 3, which was atmospheric and dismal, Shadow of Boston is exuberantly colourful and cheery – Exactly what you'd expect the world to be like after the apocalypse!
In addition, the multitude of "new features" that Bethesda have added in Shadow of Boston all seem to have been directly ripped from better and much more popular games such as Minecraft, Mass Effect, Postal 2, S.T.A.L.K.E.R., Borderlands, BioShock, Call of Duty, Tokimeki Memorial and Battletoads. How very original!
- Shadow of Boston will feature the amazing new ability to build settlements and make cool pixel-art out of giant blocks, Bethesda demonstrated this at E3 by showing an edited Megaman sprite made out of colored blocks. Yes, they actually traced Capcom's artwork and then displayed it in front of a packed auditorium full of mindless puppets who then cheered over this blatant act of art theft and copyright infringement.
New Dialog System!
- Attempting to cash in on the success of games like Mass Effect, Bethesda decided that Shadow of Boston should have a shitty dialog wheel with 4 extremely short and vague options on it. Selecting the "Shove Aside, Forcefully" option will, of course, always result in the player character punching a man in the face and then forcefully breaking his leg. Here's a diagram of how this shitty new dialog system works.
- Fallout 3 was notorious for being a game where you could shoot at a huge fucking bear from a foot away and somehow still manage to miss. In order to make sure that Shadow of Boston won't suffer from the same issue, Bethesda decided enlist the help of the brave space marines at ID Software to ensure that Shadow of Boston's gun-play will feel great. The end result is a game that's basically what S.T.A.L.K.E.R. would have been if it were set in Boston and made by a team of incompetent Americunt losers rather than a team of hardcore, whiskey-guzzling Ukrainians.
- It's also worth noting that, back in 2011, ID Software released a beautiful FPS called Rage that featured both a post-apocalyptic setting and good gun-play. Hilariously, Rage was published by none other than Bethesda Softworks and it actually had better graphics in 2011 than Shadow of Boston does in 2015.
Lots of Crafting!
- Unlike the amazing crafting system in Fallout 3 that allowed you to craft a whopping 8 types of weapons, Shadow of Boston gives you access to at least 50 base weapons and over 700 modifications for those weapons!!!11 These weapons include a baseball bat that's covered in razor blades (perfect for the emo wastelander on the go), a teddy bear launcher that causes people's heads to explode, a painfully slow laser musket that you have to crank after every single shot, a paddle-ball and the "Cryolator" – An awesome ice gun that was originally cut from Fallout 3 because Bethesda are faggots.
- You can also modify your very own battery-powered power armour!
- While the majority of the enemies and creatures in Shadow of Boston appear to just be the exact same ones from Fallout 3, there are a few new ones that are worth mentioning such as the Synths (just a kewl name for androids), the Radioactive Batscorpion, Mutant Hounds and the Mole Rat Behemoth – A huge motherfucking Mole Rat that's twice as large as pre-liposuction Girlvinyl and will likely serve as the game's final boss.
- It's also been confirmed that enemies can now come in a "legendary" variety which look exactly the same as the regular variety but are overpowered bullet-sponges that will kill you in a single hit. Been wondering why that cute little Mole Rat keeps slaughtering you? It's because it's a "Legendary Mole Rat"!
New Gore System!
- In previous Fallout games you couldn't experience the immense joy that comes from dismembering your enemies while they're still alive. In Shadow of Boston it appears that you may finally be able to RIP AND TEAR your enemies' limbs from their still-breathing bodies, this basically just means that the Fallout series has finally caught up to 2004's Postal 2: Apocalypse Weekend after over a decade of lagging behind. Keep up the good work, Bethesda!
The New Skills/Perks/S.P.E.C.I.A.L. System!
Much like they did with Skyrim, Bethesda decided to further water down Shadow of Boston from its predecessor by completely removing skills and replacing them with 275 incredibly boring and stupid perks. They also removed the level-cap so you can keep playing until you're Godmoding without cheats.
Another big change is that perks are no longer tied to skills or levels, they are now tied to your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. stats. There is a perk for each level of each stat, and most perks have multiple ranks. In an attempt to further increase the already absurd amount of hype over the game, Bethesda decided that they would release a series of cartoons covering each of the S.P.E.C.I.A.L. stats and featuring Vault Boy dying in various horrific ways. Enjoy!
Now that you know what makes you special, it's time to review all of the amazing perks that you can choose in Shadow of Boston!
[☢ Level Up!]
Grim Reaper's Sprint
The E3 Reveal!
On June 14th, 2015, Bethesda held their first ever E3 press conference to showcase upcoming games such as Doom, Dishonored 2 and, most importantly, Shadow of Boston. While the other games only got about 10 minutes dedicated to them, Shadow of Boston got 30.
If there was any doubt left that the presentation was merely a marketing ploy, it was erased when Bethesda's Todd Howard revealed the Shadow of Boston Pip-Boy Edition, a collector's edition of the game that costs twice as much as the standard edition and comes with useless crap such as a poster and a tin-can that you can store your copy of the game in. But the real prize for purchasing this edition of the game was the amazing, oversized, plastic iPhone case that you can wear on your wrist. Wow!
The Pip-Boy Edition of the game sold out within mere days, giving much butthurt to those who couldn't get one in time and leading to an influx of nerds purchasing 3D printers in an attempt to make their own oversized wristwatches. It also led to some arseholes attempting to sell their Pip-Boy Edition pre-orders on Ebay for several times the original retail price.
Still wanting to milk the Fallout cash cow for all it's worth, Bethesda has been releasing all kinds of expensive Fallout-related shit for pre-order ever since the E3 reveal. Let's take a look at some of Bethesda's other assorted Jewery.
- Bethesda released the Fallout Anthology, a collection of all of the previous Fallout games (only one of which was actually developed by Bethesda) for the PC. They also made the decision to package the Fallout Anthology in an atomic bomb that includes "audible bomb sounds" (literally just "Whoosh, Boom, Cha-ching!") and an extra slot for you to stick your brand new copy of Shadow of Boston in after it's released.
- While this collection is only priced at $50, it takes up almost as much space in your house as that stupid Call of Duty: Black Ops III Juggernog fridge that you can stuff over three-dozen starving Ethiopian children into.
The Limited Edition Loot Crate
- Bethesda also decided to team up with Loot Crate, a company that sells monthly mystery boxes filled with cheap plastic crap from your favourite vidya games, to produce a limited edition crate full of exclusive Fallout swag that you can't get anywhere else! The only items confirmed to be in the crate so far are a Dogmeat plush (that will inevitably become a fucktoy for Fallout's furfag fanboys) and a Vault 111 hoodie (which you can actually buy directly from Bethesda's website). It is currently unknown whether Skittles are included with the hoodie.
- The price of the crate was set at $100 and it was first made available for pre-order on September 23rd, 2015. The crate sold out within hours and resulted in Loot Crate's site being completely fucked up by the amount of traffic it was getting. Loot Crate later restocked the supposedly "exclusive" and "limited edition" crate at quantities that managed to last well over a week before selling out again.
- Update: It has been revealed that the crate contains the following crap: A Dogmeat plush, a Vault 111 hoodie, a set of Shadow of Boston pins, a Vault 111 laptop bag, a Brotherhood of Steel flag, a foam coaster set and 2 mini-posters – Totally worth the $100 price-tag!
Pornhub: The Last Bastion of Freedom
During 2015's QuakeCon and Gamescom conventions, Bethesda decided to make the dick move of releasing exclusive gameplay footage to attendees only. It is believed that they even went so far as to have Todd Howard personally strip search everyone who attended in order to make sure that no cameras made it in.
While the QuakeCon footage was never leaked, an awful hidden camera video of the Gamescom footage (undoubtedly the result of a camera hidden up a man's anus) was quickly leaked and uploaded to various video sharing sites such as YouTube. This didn't last long, however, since Bethesda immediately decided to be even bigger dicks and pulled out the DMCA takedown notices.
After a day, the only site that was still known to be hosting the footage was Pornhub. Some brilliant individual had the amazing idea to upload the footage on Pornhub under the lulzy title "HIDDEN CAMERA SHOWS AUDIENCE TEASED BY BIG BUTT MAN IN TIGHTS LIVE" in an attempt to mask the video's true nature. While this worked for a while, word of the video and its unorthodox location quickly spread across the internets and eventually alerted Bethesda. Sadly, the video ended up being removed only a few days after being posted, but not before gathering over 150,000 views and exposing countless innocent teenagers to the horrors of hardcore pornography.
Fallout Shelter is a free-to-play simulation/strategy game for iPhone and Android devices that puts you in charge as the overseer of your very own Vault-Tec vault. It is also the main reason that Shadow of Boston was in development hell for nearly 5 years, since instead of working on the game everyone wanted, Bethesda was instead working on a shitty smartphone game that absolutely no one asked for.
Despite being a shitty game, it quickly rose to become one of the most popular games on the App Store. It also has some lulzy features, mechanics and bugs that can result in your vault dwellers engaging in incest and paedophilia.
The SJWs Respond
While Bethesda was busy revealing footage of Shadow of Boston (along with Doom and Dishonored 2) at their E3 2015 panel, extremely important individuals such as Anita Sarkeesian, Jonathan McIntosh and Brianna Wu were busy live tweeting their personal opinions on the horrible levels of over-the-top violence and sexism that they were witnessing in the footage.
—TT3, proving once again that Anita Sarkeesian is a complete fucktard
But the fun wasn't over just yet, because we all know that it isn't a party until Zoe "Will swallow for good reviews!" Quinn crashes it! Rather than complaining about the violence, Zoe decided to take aim at something even more important – The fact that the footage of the game featured a man in a dress! OMG transmisogyny!
The Survivor 2299 and other tales of reddit drama
The site featured secret code, an ominous countdown and the Vault-Tec logo. DCHoaxer claimed that the site was his attempt at bringing the /r/Fallout community together as well as an attempt to get Bethesda to reveal Shadow of Boston at an upcoming convention – In the end it accomplished neither of these goals and merely resulted in DCHoaxer receiving numerous death threats from pissed off Fallout fans.
—DCHoaxer, being honest
On June 23rd, 2014 a new user joined reddit under the name SandraReed and immediately made a loooooooooong post on r/Fallout/ where they claimed that they were the former Bethesda employee who accidentally the Kotaku leak and that they had actually played Shadow of Boston. They also nonchalantly stated that they were making the post as revenge after getting fired for their own poor decisions. I mean who the fuck leaks anything to Kotaku?
Many of the claims made in SandraReed's post have since been shown to be complete bullshit, but that didn't stop some Fallout fans from believing it and further spreading these shitty rumours across the web. See Fallout: Shadow of Boston/SandraReed if you want to read SandraReed's now-deleted post in all of its tl;dr glory.
Bethesda takes a leak
Less than a month before the scheduled release date, Bethesda declared that Shadow of Boston had gone gold and began sending early copies of the game to a small selection of video game journalists. As we all know here at ED, however, videogame journalists cannot be trusted – And as Bethesda should have expected, one Spanish game journalist ended up letting his fat, smelly roommate play his copy of the game and leak screenshots of it onto the internet.
You can view the leaked images here. Enjoy!
—Bethesda, threatening to take out the banhammer
Nigga stole my Pip-Boy!
In a strange turn of events, numerous black men have somehow managed to get their hands on the game prior to its scheduled release date and are leaking gameplay footage onto vid.me. It is currently unknown how they got their hands on the game and why they all seem to be black. We are currently researching this breaking development in this story and will keep you updated as moar information becomes available.
List of boring facts confirmed by the leaks
- The map is so small that you can run from one end to the other in 11 minutes.
- Weapon condition has been removed.
- There is no Hardcore mode.
- There is no karma system.
- The dialog system is complete shit.
- Aliens exist.
- Dogmeat tends to fall off tall buildings and catch on fire.
- The AI is shit and companions will often attempt to run up and hit enemies with the butt of their gun rather than shoot them.
- It's glitchier than Skyrim.
Automatron (the first DLC),survival mode, and console mods
Now you can get your very own robot. Oh, you already could without paying out the nose for it? Great thinking Bethesda. And in yet another brilliant move, if you were a member of the PC Master Race, and had enabled mods, ahahaha go fuck yourself. Now you need to redo that again, you dumb idiot.
The DLC is not the interesting part. It is instead a retread from Fallout: New Vegas, the hardcore system. Also found in this mod. Saved you 10 bucks. It makes the game even more tedious, by now you have to eat and drink constantly. And all the enemies are now even more bulletsponges. Enjoy shooting a raider 300 times in the head.
The Xbox one version of the game now has mods, which made The Pc Master Race Triggered because they have one less bragging point now. however, the console mod section doesn't allow nude mods or Allahu Ackbar sound mods for the suicide bomber super mutant.
- War Never Changes in ‘Fallout 4,’ And Neither Does Transphobia - A self-described "cis queer" says that showing a man in a dress is "transphobic".
- "Im being triggerd by bethesda because there is no female option" - OMG so triggered!
- Patriarchy in my Vault? - It's more likely than you think.
- The Shadow of Boston subreddit
- Dumbfuck scalper posts on NeoFAG about Amazon cancelling his order, then gets owned.
- PC Master Race
- Bethesda Softworks
- Shit nobody cares about
- Shut up and take my bottlecaps
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