Epic Toilet Story

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Epic toilet story.
A toilet experience to remember.

An Epic toilet story, or ETS, is modern folklore, depicting a toilet adventure of epic proportions that is passed on from generation to generation. It often involves large amounts of faeces coming out of an asshole, but can also include motives ranging from house pets to fatal injuries.

Real men back in the day used to tell stories about ass-raping a mountain lion or eating a person, but the most exciting adventure in the day of modern man is a painful trip to the shitter.

Unlike a fisherman's story or a war story, an Epic Toilet story is always backed up by a stretched asshole to confirm its veracity.

Examples of Epic Toilet Story

  • Titus Flavius Vespasianus , commonly known as Vespasian (17 November 9 – 23 June 79),[1][2] was Roman Emperor from 69 AD to 79 AD. Vespasian was the founder of the Flavian dynasty which ruled the empire for a quarter century. Little information survives about the government during the ten years Vespasian was emperor. His reign is best known for financial reforms following the demise of the Julio-Claudian dynasty, the successful campaign against Judaea, and several ambitious construction projects, such as the Colosseum. Upon his death in 79, he was succeeded by his eldest son Titus.In his ninth consulship, Roman Emperor Vespasian had a slight illness in Campania and, returning at once to Rome, he left for Aquae Cutiliae and the country around Reate, where he spent every summer. However, his illness worsened and he developed severe diarrhea. On 23 June of 79, Vespasian was on his deathbed and expiring rapidly, he demanded that he be helped to stand as he believed "An emperor should die on his feet". He died of extreme diarrhea. His purported great wit can be glimpsed from his last words; Væ, puto deus fio, "Oh shit, I think I'm becoming a god!"

- Vespasian. In Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved January, 4, 2011, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespasian

  • I once decided to only eat corn flakes for a month, but after 3 weeks I realized I hadn't had a BM yet. When I finally took a dump, the turd was as hard as a rock and the size and shape of a fist. I pushed it so much, that when it came out, the inside of my ass was pulled out and I got an instant prolapse.
  • I wanted to see what the big deal about the Indian Ghost pepper was, so I ate a bunch of it without chewing. When I went to the toilet that night, along with the first push about a litre of blood poured out into the toilet.
  • Last month I gave a rimjob to my Saint Bernard and ate some of the shit from her puppies. I wake up last week at 2 AM having to shit real bad. I run to the toilet, pull down my pants and before I can sit down, a kilo of worms drops out of my ass onto the floor. I freak out, slip on the worms and break a wrist and four ribs.
  • I'm a bodybuilder, so I have a haemorrhoid the size of a sausage hanging out of my ass. I decide to get my hole nice and shaved for a competition, so I use my father's straight razor from the navy and I cut my piles so bad I bled out and almost died. Thank god my 5-year-old boy found me and called 911.
  • I had just been prescribed Norvir, a powerful antiviral drug. Having only taken azidothymidine prior, I made the mistake of taking Norvir and then going to the video store. As I stood in line, I felt a tummy rumble, the likes of which had never been felt in this particular colon ever before. Within moments, the urge became too much to resist, so I dashed to the bathroom at the bar next door, since the video store had no john. At the bar, my anus gushed forth a river of noxious shit the likes of which I had never encountered before. Smelling of paint, and with sticking power to match, the bowl filled up with a volume of shit I never dreamed any colon could hold. After the disaster, i went to wipe, and found a long string of mucous dangling from my ass, presumably the former mucosal lining of my colon. I tried to avoid getting it on my hand but so stringy was the mucous, it was unavoidable. After washing my hands, ass, and the toilet seat, I left the bar, and tipped the bartender $5. To this day, I feel badly that I didnt tip $10.
  • While on camping trips with the local scout group, we had a number of toilet incidents. The first case was one boy who somehow crapped himself in his sleep - NO JOKE (even if its really funny). He wiped his ass on a pillow case in the early hours of the morning while everyone stirred and rose to the curious aroma eminating from his tent. Suddenly some dickhead yelled "hey everyone! Wesley shat himself! It was a shit of ages that has remained passed down from word of mouth though the generations.
  • I gave birth to the biggest poo in history in the portaloo of a carpark. I had been holding it in for a few days because of the lack of clean amenities while on the road. Over the course of 20 minutes; one piece after another of the great pyramid was deposited in the holding tank. I was sore as hell, and my friends came to check on me several times, but every time i thought i was finished, yet another chuck poked my prostate for release.
  • One day, I decided to do an experiment by not taking a shit for a month. This went on for 9 days until I couldn't hold it in. When I took the shit, it was like being in labor. I literally strained myself until it was done. I've conquered the shit and when I flushed it, it clogged. I've tried everything to unclogged it until I felt like an idiot and flushed it again. The result was the toilet overflowing with shit-piss water and it leaking on the bath floor. There was chucks of shit on the floor and was unable to escape because it reached in the hallway. I got a whole roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around my arm, reached my arm into the dreaded toilet where it all started. The results were successful and wasn't clogged anymore. Unfortunately, my parents came home and saw the aftermath. It smelt like Chewbacca's ASS in the bathroom for the rest of the day.

See Also