Elton John

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Sir Elton, unable to look away at gay pornography he downloaded on his laptop.
In drag as Margaret Thatcher.
The hat years.
Never, ever hatless.
International man of hairplugs.

The true Queen of England; former pop star Sir Elton John is a fat, entirely irrelevant, 60-something-year-old rabid homosexual who was famous in the 1970s and '80s, with a string of utterly sappy and nauseating pop records. These sold extremely well at the time, but thirty years later, not many people will admit to having owned any of them. One sometimes hears Sir Elton's music broadcast as background music at shopping centers and dental offices.

He hates the Internets, and has announced on his blog that it would be good to shut them down for five years.


Sir Elton, like most of his fellow Englishmen, aged rapidly by losing most of his hair by the age of 30. This was the crucial, defining event of his life, even more than his mother's death or Sir Paul McCartney ignoring him. As a homosexual, he is exceedingly vain, and like most gay men with hair loss, he began to collect a huge number of silly, flamboyant hats, which he pretended were only needed because they were such great hats and added so much to his performance.

In reality, Sir Elton was profoundly traumatized by his hair loss, and in 1983 attempted to kill himself with an overdose of cocaine and rampant, anonymous sex in public restrooms with hundreds of strangers. Surprisingly, he did not catch GRIDS, which he took as a sign that he should continue with these activities.

In 1984, fellow pub singer Billy Joel told Sir Elton about hair transplant operations. Sir Elton quickly flew to Thailand, where he received state-of-the-art hair transplant surgery and a baker's dozen of tight, young azns. Since that day, he has never worn a hat. Sir Elton began to spread rumors that he had always had this hair; he had only worn hats 24/7 for the fun of it; people must have faulty memories, etc. etc.

Depressing Duck

Second chance

When Princess Diana died driving a car at high speeds while completely stoned on GHB in France in 1997, Sir Elton made a new recording of one of his sad, old, boring songs, Candle in the Wind. The proles of every nation who were deeply grieving this great loss felt compelled to buy the CD, and Sir Elton was rich once again. The Queen thought it would look awkward if she didn't do something to recognize him, so she made him a "Knight". Also, she made her driver a knight, as well as the guy who refinished the floor so nicely.

After he had milked the Lady Di death for all he could get, Sir Elton made a new career of releasing a new set of Christmas songs every year. These are almost incomprehensibly sappy and bad, and by comparison make the rest of his work seem delightful. The Elton John Christmas songs begin to tinkle and whine in the background at the beginning of November, and they seem to be the background music everywhere one goes, as though they were pursuing victims. The tunes is utterly bland and stifle coherent thought. Here are some sample lyrics of an Elton John Christmas song.

Sitting here on Christmas Eve with a brandy in my hand
Oh I've had a few too many and it's getting hard to stand
I keep hearing noises from my fireplace
I must be going crazy or the brandy's won the race

And I keep hearing ho ho ho, guess who's here
Your fat and jolly friend draws near
Ho ho ho, surprise, surprise

Ho ho ho, guess who's here
Your fat and jolly friend draws near
Ho ho ho, surprise surprise
The bearded wierdy's just arrived

On my roof there's snorting sounds, and bells inside my head
My vision's blurred with colour, and all he sees is red
There's a pair of large sized wellies coming down my flue
And the smell of burning rubber, oh is filling up the room

Many suicides can be attributed each year to Elton John's Christmas music.


Elton loves to shop online.

In 2007, not long after after learning of the Internet Hate Machine on Fox News, Sir Elton announced on his blog that the Internets should be closed down for five years. His theory was that it stifles true creativity and prevents people from communicating. He also thought it might be good if all the young people went out and rioted, and got their heads bashed in by retarded policemen. “Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging," he blogged.

As he was blogging, Sir Elton noted that “we’re talking about things that are going to change the world and that’s not going to happen with people blogging on the internet."

He describes the Internet as a collection of basement dwellers. While this is correct, few believe that this is the real reason behind his Internet Hate. Most niggers believe that he is butthurt over having been consistently pwned by paparazzi exposing his bullshit to the rest of the world via teh Internets.

“Hopefully the next movement in music will tear down the internet. Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging. I do think perhaps we should shut down the whole internet for five years and see what sort of art is produced over that span.


Known as a huge technophobe (although indeed he loves to "blog"), he says he doesn't even own a cellphone, which is retarded because he whored himself to Apple and did an iPod commercial for them. And to not seem like an asshole, he sued JewTube to take down that commercial of him prancing around like a money whoring faggot. What Elton doesn't seem to realize is that no one is going to shut down the internet just for the sake of faggoty music when it has so many other important uses.


Elton John's husbear, David Furniture, is supporting a new bill in the U.K. that wants to make homophobic jokes illegal. If the bill is passed and you are found guilty of promoting hatred against homos you could face 7-years in the clink.

David said, "I think any sort of hatred is unacceptable so yes, I support it. That said, I think this country is unbelievably tolerant and I feel privileged to live here and to be married to a Brit - as well as thankful that I can be married to a Brit." This proposal has once again proven that Final Solution is needed in the west against the Homosexual outbreak.

Known Love Interests

Reggie has had several love interests over the nearly four decades of cocksucking and salami-hiding his music career has consisted of. Most notable conquests include the following:

  • Marc Bolan
  • John Lennon
  • David Bowie
  • Ryan White
  • Princess Di (Just before the casket was closed)
  • Armand Versace
  • Every one of his limo drivers
  • Thirteen Sauna Room Towel Boys in Thailand
  • George Michael (On at least 234 different occasions before and after Wham!)
  • Boy George
  • Michael Jackson (before he became white)
  • At least one Muppet - probably Fozzie Bear!
  • Bernie Taupin (Only he won't *ever* admit it!)
  • Freddie Mercury
  • Gary Glitter
  • Rod Stewart
  • Billy Joel
  • Yo Daddy

Ironically - or miraculously, depending on how you look at it - he has not contracted AIDS from any of these encounters. Whether that means he's immune or safe sex works is anyone's guess.

See also

External links

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