The show revolves around a family of Bible thumping, gay hating, nigger beating rednecks who make innovative blowable dildos that make noises which attract ducks; the appeal to such a device is that when ducks appear from nearby shrubbery, the blower may eradicate the ducks' feathered asses for fun while simultaneously farting and fucking himself. The family who stars on the show (the Robertson family) profits from the selling of these unique dildos to other rednecks, so they can kill their next church picnic meal. The show is a remarkably efficient self-advertising cash cow that is causing Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. to phase out its chain outlets' sports sections in order to dedicate entire aisles to bobble heads and calendars of the heads of a Southern generation. No wonder why obesity rates are growing.
The Robertson family is a huge family of faggot and nigger haters that lives in the land of fast cookin' fried chicken and buttermilk biscuits. When not decimating groups of ducks and blowing up forests, they do normal people stuff, because they're fucking rich. They despise those who hate Jesus.
Phil: The founder of the Duck Commander Blowable Dildos company, Phil is a former football player and is wanted by the Washington Redskins to play for their shitty team. Earlier on in his life, while working towards improving himself as a football player, he heard the word of God; "Fuck football, senselessly murder ducks to please me and my son." So, Phil graduated college (a first for a redneck) and fumblefucked a dickwhistle out of a twig in order to please Him. This unique cockpipe—as well as a few others that he crafted out of flowers—were among the first dildos that effectively replicated a duck's call. When blown or sucked or power-shit into, the cocks attracted ducks to come out of bushes and fly amok in an attempt to survive before they get shot in the eye. Phil hates modern technology, because he's an old man that would rather listen to the wax cylinder instead of a CD. He names tech savvy people "Yuppies" (Redneck lingo for Nerds) because they would rather kill ducks on their NES than in real life and not buy his shitty ass willywheezers. He is also infamous for hating faggots and niggers, because God hates Fags and Niggers too, y'know.
Katy: Phil's wife that is happily married to a furry asshole that reeks of duck shit every day. She loves to cook food that contains LOTS AND LOTS OF CALORIES, thus resulting in the entire family being a pack of fatasses and landwhales. She also has a dog that she'd rather marry than Phil, because it's less furry and its dick is bigger than his.
Uncle Si: The unfunny comic relief of the show. He's a 'Nam veteran, so he also hates Vietnamese people too. He is infamous for being the sole reason why the show has a shitload of merchandising, thus his ugly ass face is on every white trash's belly gut in the entire Southern portion of the United States. His catchphrases are the "Bazinga!" of the show, so expect to hear "JACK" and "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!" almost every time this unfunny tard is on.
Willie: The fatass of the family. Some episodes revolve around his wife bitching at him for being too fat. So, she forces him to do many redneck's most hated activity—losing weight and doing yoga. He fails at these activities and would rather be a barge for the rest of his life. He is also known for loving America so much, he wears an American flag on his head in order to show that he loves God and America for the idiot viewers to know that the Robertsons are more American than them. He also has an adopted Chinese kid, so expect Si to have flashbacks of 'Nam and try to kill that lil' Commie bastard.
Korie: Willie's bitchy wife. She is very disappointed to see that her husband is not Lou Ferigno and is instead someone who has devoted his life to killing ducks. She bitches about everything that is bad for Willie so that she can try to have everything go the way that she wants it to.
Sadie: Willie's daughter. She is your typical teenage bitch doing typical shit that Steve Jobs had expected his iPhone users to do after he had died. Uncle Phil is often mad at her for being a "Yuppie" on Facebook instead of preaching the Bible to soon to be dead ducks. She also has a boyfriend, so stay away from her you pedo weirdos or else Willie will get his shotgun out.
Jase: The only family member that nobody gives a shit about.
The Robertsons troll faggots
—Phil Robertson on niggers
—Phil Robertson on faggots
After the quote was published, fags and niggers around the world were extremely butthurt by what one redneck said in a magazine that features handbras. Soon, A&E suspended Phil from being on the show. The Robertson family threatened to leave the show and cancel it. The butthurt train chugged along however, with large amounts of americunts threatening to boycott A&E. Other rednecks signed petitions on Facebook and threatened to never watch any other show that A&E shat out EVER AGAIN. The Jews at A&E soon figured out that they gain most of their salary by the sales of Duck Dynasty merchandise at Wal-Mart and feared that nobody will buy them. No show = no money for hookers and blow. They removed their suspension of Phil from the show and merchandise sales went back up—enough to buy 5 kilos of coke and a dozen hookers per night for a year.
People they want you to hate
- Steve Jobs
- Steve Wozniak
- Steve Ballmer
- Any nerd named Steve
- Bill Gates
- Shigeru Miyamoto
- Mark Zuckerberg
- Dan and Sam Houser
- Kaz Hirai
- Angry Video Game Nerd
- Tom Anderson
- The Beatles
- Kurt Cobain
- Barack Obama
- Osama Bin Laden
- Immigrants from the Middle East
- People who don't watch Fox News.
- TV and music executives
- Jimi Hendrix
Enemies of God
- John Lennon
- Odd Future
- Carl Sagan
- Stephen Hawking
- Charles Darwin
- Monty Python
- Animal Fuckers
This show is every Jew's wet dream when it comes to merchandise.
- Fox News - Biggest supporter
- Homosexuals - Their enemy
- Niggers - Other enemy
- Atheists - Biggest enemy
- Rednecks - Their audience
- Jews - They benefit their wallets
- Louisiana - Really not that fast
- Texas - Where a majority of their fanbase resides
- Hunting - God loves this
- America - They love it
- Money - They're a little Jewish inside
- God - BFF
- Jesus - Other BFF
Duck Dynasty is part of a series on
Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.
|Duck Dynasty is part of a series on bad things that happen to Animals|
is part of a series on