—David Tanny, on how everyone is wrong
—Luke Ski, speaking the truth
In the world of music, many claim that a musician or group is "talentless." Sometimes they're right (look at Imperial Stars or BrokeNCYDE). These claims will spark endless debate on whether Lady GaGa or Emilie Autumn are better than the other, who uses autotune and who does not, and so forth.
But in reality, talentless should only describe one singer. David Tanny.
While Justin Bieber sounds like a whiny cunt and makes trite garbage, if you strain yourself, you can still see how SOMEBODY out there would see talent. With Tanny, no amount of strain will help. You can't see what isn't there.
Indeed, it truly is that awful.
This sort of behavior might not be so bad if you're, say, eleven, and creating music for kicks. David, however, is fifty years old and believes that not only is he the saviour of comedy music, but that every other novelty artist should be licking his boots. He believes that his music is better produced and sung than anything going on in the top 40 charts.
If you're not convinced he's a real person, you aren't alone. The way he delivers his songs makes him sound like a text-to-speech program. Sadly, this man is very real, and expects you to pay seven to ten dollars for one of at least seven CDs of this shit. These CDs constitute Tanny committing one of the greatest crimes in the history of music.
David Tanny comes from the world of "Dementia" - a genre of novelty music named after Dr. Demento. It is David's dream to get airplay on the Dr. Demento show, thus bringing his particular brand genius to Demento's audience, which at last count was as high as seventeen people.
Tanny creates his music using looping MIDI beats, and writes his lyrics stream-of-consciously with little thought put in to actual jokes. And it shows. In David Tanny's world, a song is instantly made hilarious if it a) is about an unconventional topic and b) kinda rhymes. Using this method, he has given us classics like "I'm A Cowboy," in which he rhapsodies about being a cowboy for four minutes, despite that the activities he lists have nothing to do with being a cowboy. He shows his tender, emotional side in "Boobs Boobs Boobs," which he recently spruced up with a laugh track that randomly punctuates the song with fake laughter. A sound that has never been made in conjunction with his music. David utilizes reference-style comedy, believing that mentioning anything from the eighties is comedy gold.
David puts little to no thought into vocal phrasing, and his singing style is so robotic it makes Stephen Hawking sound like Issac Hayes.
There's an argument going on between his fans on which of Tanny song's is the worst. This argument will never end until his fans finally come together and realize that such an argument is pointless. They all suck.
|We don't need each and every song Tanny has done ever, but the REALLY lulzy ones such as "Hello Mila" are perfect.|
So yeah, you don't have to add everything, also it'd make this section tl;dr, and we don't want that.
Here's a rundown of some of the music David Tanny has infected the internets with. For everything, go here, but here is a list of possibly the worst:
- Oh Happy Boy
- Perhaps David Tanny's most notorious song. Set to a dreadful track that shits all over gospel music, David delivers retarded lyrics about a child who has video games, intelligence, and lots of money. In other words, the child he wishes he was. The lyrics barely rhyme and the song contains so much barely concealed jealousy and anger towards its fictitious protagonist that it makes Tanny a prime candidate for electro-shock therapy. Or, better yet, electrocution.
- Hello Mila (A Letter To Mila Kunis)
- Perhaps one of the creepiest David Tanny songs ever made. David shares his lust for Mila Kunis, explaining how he wants to "get inside her" and how she "makes a certain man part throb in pain."
- The Boy Who Asked for Too Much
- Demented Music
- A parody of "American Music" by the Violent Femmes, listing a bunch of comedy songs David likes. He also sounds more like a dying cat in this song than any other.
- Mutant Girl
- Goin' Back to L.A. (2010 mix)
- A rap about the years in the early 80s he would drive to L.A on a Saturday night just to record the Dr. Demento show. Don't be fooled by the "we." Spoilers: There was no "we". Just him.
- "Funnyback" (Alternate title: David Tanny's masturbation session) is Tanny singing a tribute to himself, which is quite possibly the saddest thing in existence. He does his patented talk-rapping over a shitty beat, while instructing listeners on how to make a proper "Dementia tune," something he knows nothing about. His chorus consists of him name dropping the titles of his other terrible songs. When he runs out of those, he starts mentioning celebrities. Listening to this track will ensure that no one ever laughs again.
- At Least I Know How To Fuck
- David Tanny is quite aware that he isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, but has no doubt that he has one skill that will ensure his place as a productive member of society. Spoilers: David Tanny is not only fifty years old, but also a liar.
- No Place to Park (2010 mix)
- In this song, David "raps" about parking spaces. He drones on and on about an issue that most would consider a minor annoyance. In the middle of the song, tells us how he bought his new computer off the internet.
- Boobs Boobs Boobs
- In which David Tanny delivers witty observations about boobs ("They go up and they go down/they are big and they are round") to a tuneless backing track made up of Down's syndrome sufferers chanting "boobs, boobs, boobs." Perhaps sensing that the entire enterprise wasn't retarded enough, David also added a laugh track. This gives the song a certain avant-garde sensibility, as nowhere do the lyrics contain anything funny.
- Dead Bug (higher pitch mix)
- Warner Music
- David Tanny. Likes to put. Pauses at. Nearly every interval. Of this song. Here, Tanny gives proof that he was once mentored by Paula Abdul, though why he doesn't simply name-drop, this author does not know. He mentions that "No song. is out of. his reach." However, records have shown he cannot indeed take what it is he dishes out. He apparently got one of his videos taken off YouTube for copyright violation, so he made a song about it. It is quite boring. At four minutes, thirty seconds, he claims his song is done. It continues for another whole minute. Tanny then tells a joke worse than one made by a man with a drawer nailed to his forehead. He says "Folk you" to Warner Music.
- Watch the Frog
- Man-Up Centers
David Tanny not only ruins music, but somehow manages to make commercials even worse by parodying them. He takes a genre that's usually unfunny and pulls it down to David Tanny levels. You know you have problems when you're able to besmirch the good name of commercial parodies.
Watch in horror as this big-headed freak attempts to tickle your funny bone with his tongue:
<video type="youtube" id="gOSuGvL84TE" width="480" height="360" desc="Not featured in video: comedy." frame="true" position="center"/>
Only the strongest can sit through the whole thing. Each minute takes ten years off of your life. ... as if you'd want to live much longer after listening to this shit anyway. You could get more comedy from a baby noisily shitting into a diaper. You could get more laughs from sexually abusing a rape victim. You've seen sand that was funnier than this.
Then there's Brokeback Mice which is a new level of terrible entirely.
- Think that was bad? Try listening to it slowed down.
David Tanny, after retiring his shitty "music career," has continued to make podcasts and run his potentially copyright-infringing Internet radio, iFunnyRadio. During one podcast, he even says he has no friends, and that he sometimes doesn't burn CD-Rs because he doesn't have the energy and stays in bed.
Think that's weird? This is true madness. Nine minutes in, after plugging his iFunnyRadio site over and over, he reads a flame he probably got from an ED reader telling him to commit suicide. He tells a fictional story about how he gets back at the person by being reincarnated as a twenty-year-old Latina girl and having sex with him twenty years later. In his defense, they do say revenge is best served holed.
David also spends a majority of the podcast begging for cash, and asks that you pay $20 - yes, TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS - to submit a song request. This is a man who refuses to pay $2 for the Dr. Demento Show.
No seriously. What an aspie.
<video type="youtube" id="DRFQia09brY" width="480" height="360" desc="Skip to nine minutes in for true WTF." frame="true" position="center"/>
It is with Dr. Demento that David believes he has found a kindred spirit. It must be painful for him that, in ten years, Dr. Demento has never once featured Tanny on his show, or even mentioned him in passing. A lesser person might give up after this sustained ignorance and devote his life to something worthwhile. Not our David, though: instead of writing some amusing songs and learning to sing properly, he has taken music from ten years ago and added a laugh track to it. This has not caused the surge in popularity that Tanny was expecting.
Tanny is a large contributor to the usergroup rec.music.dementia, and caused quite a splash with the group's five users when in 2007 he publicly criticised Dr. Demento's famed lack of business nous.
—David Tanny, insane
In hindsight, it wasn't a smart idea to insult the man he expected to broadcast his "music." Tanny was instantly called out on his bullshit and ostracized from the group. As usual, the thread became a hive of mysterious sockpuppets who all jumped in from nowhere to defend our erstwhile hero.
The most reasonable explanation for Tanny's outburst is that if Dr. Demento disappeared from the airwaves, Tanny's only chance of garnering fame would disappear with him. Conclusion: David Tanny is a selfish turd. This confrontation still haunts David from time to time, but at least he keeps things in perspective and doesn't prioritize it over real-life things that are far more important.
—David Tanny, comparing death and suicide to Dr. Demento fans being mad at you
Upon the deterioration of Demento's fanbase, Tanny desperately tried to take his place with a series of podcasts and internet radio broadcasts that feature horrible novelty music. He also announced his retirement of the word "dementia" to describe the music, instead using his own term "funderful," citing the fact that "demented" music wasn't always comedy music and therefore crap. It is to David's eternal anger that all-time greats such as Alan Sherman and Barnes & Barnes have yet to be recognized alongside no-talent hacks like Michael Jackson and the Beatles. When "funderful" failed to catch on, David Tanny invented the phrase "funmentia" in 2010...which has still failed to catch on.
Sadly, Tanny's attempts to usurp the Good Doctor have largely failed. Dr. Demento is loved by all from coast to coast for his unique broadcasting style and bottomless music knowledge. Tanny is completely clueless about music, and has left nothing but burned bridges and bitterness between him and those who have encountered him on the internet. The author is as surprised as you are that Tanny is not raping Dr. Demento's figurative corpse with his enormous success.
|David Tanny's internet history is bigger than originally thought. Please help us search for those hilarious posts. Rec.Music.Dementia or here - a good place to start!|
David Tanny has a long web history, currently being researched. Right now, it appears he had a sprawling internet presence on every available free web service, including Tripod, Angelfire, and Geocities.
Tanny was also a big fan of Usenet groups. While he mostly posted in rec.music.dementia, he wasn't afraid to venture out into the world of personals as this post shows:
—Tanny, failing again
It is unlikely his circumstances have changed, so barring a miracle he is still a virgin.
Tanny began his Geocities career in 1995. Whereas most people grow up and move on, David's current websites are just expanded versions of his original site. They contain exactly the same information they did all those years ago, but organised and designed so badly you'll never find anything.
Compounding the failure is Tanny's enormous and confusing internet presence. The main hub of activity is his atrociously designed website where he implores you to buy CDs of his horrible songs, spanning multiple compilations and interspersed with cutting-edge sketches about long-neglected topics such as cars and restaurants. The rest of the website is merely a maze of links to pages about television shows and music, which, when clicked on, lead you to more mazes of pages all of which lead to Amazon links meaning the entire site is really an extended store designed to make David money. This explains why every square inch is covered in ads.
The website also contains microsites about subjects that interest Tanny like "Weird Al" Yankovic and Dr. Demento.
Dave's Fun Stuff
Tanny also hosts Dave's Fun Stuff 2.0, a misleading website name if ever there were one. Here, he keeps all the Autistic information he's been compiling since the 80s on celebrity and historical dates, not realising that his life's work was usurped by Wikipedia in thirty seconds. Like all of David's sites, it's a confusing link farm.
San Diego Radio News
Tanny began San Diego Radio News in 1996, and over the fourteen years he's run it, he has attracted precisely zero readers. The website is basically a badly-designed compendium of San Diego's atrociously boring radio scene where Tanny has thoughtfully posted stolen news stories weekly since 1996. You'd only know this by searching the site from Google, however. Like I said, badly-designed. The site has also subsituted for his blog. Any time Tanny has faced mild criticism he has taken to SFRN to post his rebuttal.
It's incredible to ponder the thousands of hours he has poured into this site for absolutely zero gain.
Another one of Tanny's notable websites is his version and ripoff of The FuMP. Formerly known as the DaMP (Demented Audio and Music Project), the DUMP or the Demented Underground Music Project is a site where Tanny can stroke his own ego by shamelessly promoting and posting his latest homemade meanderings for everyone to download and vote for, since Tanny is no longer welcome on the FuMP. Note that, like most infamous internet celebrities who quit the internet and return to quit yet again, Tanny quit the FuMP, only to come back and get rejected yet again before officially leaving for his rip-off. Seeing as Tanny is too unoriginal to come up with a decent name for it, the DUMP is a quite fitting name for his website, given that he takes a DUMP on it every time he posts one of his own home-recorded turds.
Tanny has too many fans to stick to one social networking medium. He spreads himself thinly across various MySpace, Facebook and Twitter accounts (where he has the noble distinction of being followed mostly by spam accounts). David has asked on his social networking sites (including his fucking Facebook) for more people to subscribe to his Twitter, solely so he can subscribe to more people on Twitter...verbatim. And I quote, "I hit my follow limit of 2,005. Need more followers so I can follow more."
Tanny is also a regular on "dementia" music forums. He spams them with content from his websites and self-advertisment for his highly unpopular podcasts, occasionally taking time to whine about his pathetic life and ponder why, at the age of fifty, he has yet to find fame as a novelty artist. It's because he sucks and everyone hates him, obviously.
On one of these music forums, David posted one of his songs only to have someone register an account just to tell him he sucks. What follows is basically Tanny being unable to take criticism and his ego blowing out of control. This would eventually lead to David getting his ass handed to him on a dementia music podcast, in which he is forced to apologize and does so insincerely.
A collection of Tweets copypasta'd by Weirdojace that Tanny made, mostly with whining about dementia artists lolling at him.
In 2009, weirdojace appeared in the Last.fm shoutbox of David Tanny. To mock him, he and his band covered one of his songs and it came out better than anything Tanny has done. The cover also shows that even when someone else does a song of his, the lyrics are incredibly, incredibly retarded.
The trolling continued into 2010, and exploded after the creation of this article. David Tanny's biography became a raging warzone and users abusively tagged him. All this attention had the result of making David angrier and angrier, and he started reporting anyone who insulted him to Last.FM.
While most artists would find this discouraging, David Tanny doesn't because any publicity is good publicity for him and posting your comments on how David Tanny fails at musical comedy is no exception.
Battles with The FuMP
The Funny Music Project (or the "FuMP") is where Tanny has spent much of his time. Other dementia artists marveled at the crappiness of Tanny's recordings and hilarity ensued. In Tanny's words he was "flamed" repeatedly, although he just uses the term "flame" to mean anything he doesn't want to hear.
A genius recorded a brilliant send-up of David Tanny's self-referential style with a song called "Dementia Hits" which runs the gamut of robotic, tone deaf singing, stolen midi beats and lyrical content about how great dementia music is and how much radio sucks. The song was so good in fact that FuMP users voted it for it to be number 2 on their weekly countdown, much higher than any real Tanny song.
Feelings hurt, Tanny hit the roof and in a long, rambling blog post which proves he has no self awareness he wrote the following:
—Ruben and The Novelty Shack
Tanny used to host the Dementia Top 20, a radio show that would count down the top 20 comedy songs of the week, as voted on by his visitors. While the show generally reflected the songs that were popular among the Dementia community at the time, the countdown would also contain copious amounts of his own songs, with his songs hitting #1 more often than any other artist. When asked, he would just say that's what the users voted, and that he had hundreds of listeners. In 2006, he even had the audacity to place his song What If Your Wife Was a Man at #1 for the entire year, beating out "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" by Lemon Demon and "White & Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic. In 2008, Tanny retired from the show and a new DJ was responsible for the top 20 countdown. Not surprisingly, David Tanny songs were no longer hitting the chart as soon as he stopped hosting the show.
Tanny doesn't have any fans, which means when trolls drop by to remind him he sucks, he is forced to create sockpuppet accounts to defend himself. In fact, anywhere Tanny is criticized mysterious sockpuppets with anonymous names and no traceable internet history always appear to defend him. It really is the most darndest thing.
On December 7, 2010 a user by the name of "dougcwilliams" tagged Tanny with "comedy icon" on Last.FM. A quick check of the account revealed he had signed up that day and had only listened to a few comedy songs. Take your own guess as to who he probably is.
In January 2011, a user named "chachiknight" appeared in David Tanny's Last.fm shoutbox giving him all sorts of praise and even calling his music "poetry." A few days later, more users began showing up doing the same thing. After weirdojace pointed out the sockpuppetry, some more sock puppet accounts showed up to praise David and to attack Jace's music. Each of these accounts had been registered a few days before and had no listening history other than having David Tanny as a top artist.
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What puts David Tanny above so many other talentless nobodies creating awful music is David Tanny's sizable ego. Despite having no fans, no friends and no money, David believes that he is revered in dementia circles and regularly offers to carry mentions of other dementia artists on his podcast (for money of course) as if that is worth something. Getting a mention on David Tanny's podcast is as valuable for your career as sitting at home masturbating.
David also belives that the quality of his music is better than any of that in the top 40 charts, and that he alone has kept the popularity of dementia going.
Another indicator of David's ego is his treatment of other novelty artists. While clearly lacking any talent himself, David likes to accuse other dementia artists of being "untalented" and "uncreative" and of the curious charge of "not understanding dementia", as David seems to believe his definition is the only one and if you dare fall outside that narrow definition (as Dr. Demento - the inventor of the entire genre! - did) you'd better be prepared to face the wrath of our Autistic musical warrior.
On the 12th of December, 2010, David did what so many narcissistic dictators have done and uploaded his manifesto, entitled "Funmentia Explained", to describe how the only true comedy music that exists is the kind he likes and bizarrely rant against geeks - because he doesn't want people to think he's a middle-aged virgin who lives in his parents' basement, does he?
Things get really weird towards the end when he begins framing his invented battle between "funmentia" and geekcore in terms of either/or rivalries - for instance, "Reasonable vs. bullying", Truthful vs. libelous" and most insidiously, "US vs. Iraq" - as if people who don't happen to like the same music he does are anti-American.
Because the Disney Corporation are well known for taking directives from fifty year-old pizza delivery men who live with their parents, David recently released a video containing a compilation of terrible Disney releated sketches and threatened to kill a puppy if Disney didn't give in to his demands, which are as follows:
- ABC should cancel all soaps and replace them with game shows and college sports.
- ABC should take sitcoms from ABC Family and run them on ABC.
- Monday night football should be moved back to ABC.
- Disney should make the Disney Channel a pay service and stop catering for children, and start catering for fifty year old pizza delivery men who live with their parents.
- ABC should sell off ABC Family because David doesn't like the programming.
- Disney should reduce the cost of ESPN because $2 is a lot of money. Have we mentioned that David charges $20 to request songs on his crappy radio show?
- ABC should drop SoapNet because women don't deserve television programming designed specifically for them.
- ABC should make more violent cops dramas for family audiences, like they used to.
- Disney should close Disneyland.
David then went on a tirade complaining about Disney using stories which have lasted in various forms for hundreds of years.
Truly, David's idiocy knows no bounds. It's hard to say what would drive a man to tell a multi-billion dollar corporation how it should run its various businesses. David's main gripe seems to be that ABC create programming for women and the Disney Channel create programming for children, neither of which are demographics he belongs to. Other people might just not watch them, but not our David.
What a selfish jerk. It's no wonder Dr. Demento hates him.
Discovery of ED Page
Incredibly sensitive to video view counts and no doubt aware when the view counts went from tens to hundreds within two days, Tanny proceeded upon a campaign of DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING. Within two days of this page being created, he posted this on his YouTube page:
This excuse is dubious at best, as only two of his songs ("Pirate Radio" and "Goin' Back to L.A.") can be classified as parodies. Luckily for us, a true David Tanny fan managed to mirror fucking everything and repost it, the results of which can be viewed on this page.
Tanny also completely retooled his podcast(baleeted), removing all traces of "dementia" and began playing the non-comedy music he has previously railed against.
20/11 - Tanny has begun reuploading his songs with a ridiculous disclaimer preamble which informs us that "[t]his album is suitable for regular people who have a taste in strange music such as this one and have a taste for twisted lyrics" proving, yet again, that he is missing the complete fucking point. If we want "strange" and "twisted" we'll stick to Weasels Ripped My Flesh by Zappa, and not some fucking autistic fifty year old rhyming 80's TV shows with the first fucking word that comes into his head.
Tanny then goes on to state: "Few people understand what novelty music is all about anymore in this day and age. Novelty music is a feel-good thing. Time for a break from serious music and have some fun in your life."
Then why does his music make us feel so bad?
Keep at it though, Dave. 50 years old, and the largest spike in listeners for your music is spawned entirely out of people having to witness first hand how abysmal it is at everything it attempts to do. You're probably right, we're just morons that don't get it.
Late December 1, 2010, he posted this to his own shoutbox on Last.fm:
He later deleted it and replaced it with:
So there you have it. We are oblivious of his talent. Just like everyone else.
On the 7th of December of 2010, Tanny posted this at Rec.Music.Dementia and Mad Music Archive.
—David Tanny, out of his mind
What's perhaps funniest is David Tanny doesn't earn any money from his music and can't afford to take anyone to court. Not to mention he put his songs under a goddamn Creative Commons license. While you are at it, download his songs here! (Now baleeted since Tanny cried to Megaupload.)
Hilariously, Tanny's legal threats crumbled when it was revealed all the released tracks fell under Creative Commons. Tanny retaliated by offering Nuclear Bubble Wrap frontman, Jace McLain song lyrics for him to record "royalty free". How generous.
Going Back to Auschwitz
A great parody of "Goin' Back To L.A." by RachimanovDESU:
[+]Click to read!
We're going back to Auschwitz, Auschwitz, Auschwitz
We're going back to Auschwitz, hmm, I guess so
We're going back to Auschwitz, Auschwitz, Auschwitz
We're going back to Auschwitz, hmm, I guess so
We're going back to Auschwitz, for a little fun
This is what we did back in 1941
We take a little ride, aboard our train
There is no life, in East Berlin
We ride for two days, through the reich
Six o'clock, is when we arrive
We will hang out at the concentration camp
And collect as many Jews, as much as we can
We smell the Zyklon B, a little bit of heaven
First there were 30,000 Jews, now only seven
They can come along for the 4 hour test
Dr. Mengele is the best
He makes Gypsy lampshades
A warped Jewess
With little trees, growing from her breasts
Our automatic weapons are ready for the show
C30 C60 C90 Go
All our gunmen have fresh batteries
So that their work will be a breeze
Just before we hear, "the doctor is in"
We then push the release button
The doctor will change, every funny Jew
We'll be having fun, together with you
We will look at mr. Goldstein
Mrs. Moskovitch and Mr. Cohen
Mr. Chomsky, Dr. Bernstein
Mr. Baron and Mrs. Eichelbaum
Mr. Goldberger, Mr. Herzog
Mrs. Feuerstein, the list goes on and on
We do this, week in week out
This is what we like, amusement for a kraut
When it's nine o'clock, it's showering time
The gassing is so good, it must be a crime
Which Jew will be, number one
After he get's killed, then we're not done
At ten o'clock, it's time to take the train
And ride on back to East Berlin
We think of the Jews while we ride back
When we get home, we'll shoot some crack
Then next Sunday, we'll do it again
And look at the doc, from six till ten
We'll think of the funny Jews, all week long
With Dr. Mengele, you can't go wrong
It's a little bit of heaven
Zyklon B times seven
Fuck yeah blitzkrieg, tweedledee
- Family Guy
- Dane Cook
- Lemon Demon
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- Weird Al Yankovic
- Rucka Rucka Ali
- Imperial Stars
—Tanny on fapping to Meredith Baxter, a lesbian
Oh. Psst. If you are a lazy fuck and want to piss him off, go and download his music and then upload it to The Pirate Bay.
- Official site
- reverbnation, most of his music is up for download.
- MySpace, but even he knows that nobody uses it anymore
- LiveJournal, chock full of totally hilarious observations
- Emo Tanny
- Another song making fun of him
- Clyde Cash makes a parody
- Creepy Internet Guy by Nuclear Bubble Wrap, a song that they will now claim is about David Tanny
- ZIP file of 79 David Tanny songs, if anyone's interested in torturing themselves some more
- YouTube with 81 David Tanny songs
- YouTube with 23 David Tanny songs
- YouTube with 8 David Tanny songs
- From turetzkysyndrome.com: David Tanny at war with Dementia, self
David Tanny is part of a series on
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|Featured article December 13, 2010|
Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher!
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Royco Cup of soup