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You have been reported to the police, suggest you desist

My family means zero to me and has for decades.

Most pedophiles, bisexual prostitutes, polyamorists hoping to become polygamists, advocates of child sex, butthurt ex-callcenter employees, registered sex offenders convicted for statutory rape, unemployed persons who spend other peoples' paychecks on porn and video games, and persons who insist that courtesy is an antiquated concept which means they aren't obligated to behave themselves, are at least smart enough to show restraint in broadcasting their opinions to the public.

Fewer 35-year-old individuals who recently impregnated a 23-year-old emo cutter and forced her to carry to term so he'd receive her unemployment benefits (giving the child up for adoption hours after birth), who are on a personal quest for enlightenment that directly involves starting arguments on the internet as a means of self improvement, and who explain that underage sex is only bad because Feels good man|we THINK the consequences are negative, will use any available soapbox to announce their presence to the world.

Even fewer will threaten police intervention against anyone who violates his First Amendment rights by disagreeing with him, and assert that the entire internet will go to jail because he "has our ip address [sic]." (Singular, not plural. You know, just the one IP address you ever get in life.)

Hopefully, only one is stupid enough to do all of the above, plus have his father and ex-wife care for his other two children because he "can't take it," and also declare himself a "Life Coach" because he's been giving free advice on the internet for 15 years. And that isn't even half of his immense list of faggotry.

The 23-year-old mother of his latest child.

Meet Earnest Lee Epler, Jr. (a.k.a. darkorion69) But don't make fun of him! "Bisexuals are a protected race." And the police are on his side.


I am happily unemployed.

Nearly four decades ago, a 27-year-old man named Earnest Lee Epler was stationed at Lakenheath Air Force Base. There, he and his wife, who proudly admits to being a prostitute and dual cocaine/methamphetamine addict, had a son who would bear the name of his father. Raising him on Doctor Who and probably also Sonic the Hedgehog, the young soldier hoped he would rear a son worthy of his father's sacrifices.

Unfortunately, he took after his mother.

He would be proud if his children became prostitutes.

Shortly after failing high school and college, he would begin supporting himself through being paid to suck cocks, the only trade he knew. One of his clients would later become his first wife, who birthed a son, Tyler, and a daughter, Vampiricspektor. When she realized her new husband was too busy using her money to play video games, she divorced him on the grounds that he wasn't sucking her dick enough. This was all according to Ernie's plan, as he would now receive child support payments... but his plan backfired when he found that raising children is hard! So he turned over custody of Tyler and Hambeast to his father and ex-wife, respectively, and promptly returned to playing Warcraft.

Before that, though, he raped a minor, and had to register as a sex offender with the dirty Capitalist regime even though he didn't do anything wrong. He was just expressing his love of sex with small children! It's all relative!

By protecting innocence, and marking sex as dirty, we make our children nervous about sex, and induce feelings of guilt that can ruin their sex lives for decades.


—Ernie, STO Forums

ELEJr stun the child.PNG

After prison, money troubles returned again. Seeing as how he already sucked all the cocks in Kansas, he could no longer find work as a prostitute, so he reluctantly got a job at the first call center that didn't mind the fact that he was a convicted pedophile rapist. Having to "march to the corporate drum" proved to be too much for Ernie to handle, and he was ultimately fired for being a douchebag to his coworkers, who were looking for any excuse to rid themselves of this ugly old guy who thinks showers are too high-maintenance so he wipes himself down once a week with hand sanitizer.

I told you so!

Hopping around the Wichita area, living off welfare and infesting apartments one at a time until they became too foul for even his profound stank-tolerance, he would someday meet Lisa, a homely woman 9 years younger than him who won Ernie's heart by stripping naked while touching her toes. Moreover, she was previously molested by her own parents, the thought of which enhanced Ernie's sexual performances. The time came when even that wasn't enough to rouse the heathen fury of Ernie's loins, so he went to local raves and met a destitute woman twelve years younger than him, and offered her a place to stay.

The naive young thing was then held at gunpoint while Ernie grunted excitedly, filling both his delicious dark-haired concubines, willing and otherwise, with retard seed several times a day until Stephanie missed her period. Rendered unable to work on account of her belly being swollen with the mongoloid offspring of a man twice her age, and out of contact with her parents and friends (who all resented her for asking for it), she had no other choice but to remain Ernie's sex slave for eternity. During her pregnancy, she tried in vain to slit her wrists and overdose on sleeping pills, but it was too late; Stephanie had become infected with her mate's Failure Cooties, and henceforth could succeed at nothing.

Immediately after giving birth to Raymond, Stephanie was beaten savagely and excluded from all pictures taken of her firstborn. Ernie got in one good photo with the fruit of his loom before selling the kid to beaners for a PS3. Having no goals of her own, Stephanie continues to take it like a bitch to this very day, because living for free on someone else's paycheck is very convenient.

So I told the internet about it

the entire message
Nothing bothers him at all. He never gets upset.

From an early age, Ernie was constantly hassled by his fussy father for being a total failure. Furthermore, for some strange reason, everyone he met would soon thereafter wish death upon him. At the ripe young age of 15, in a bid to improve his self-image, Ernie began his quest to become the ultimate philosopher. He tried to give meaning to his miserable life of video games and pedophilia by arguing with people on the internet about why video games and pedophilia are secretly healthy and desirable - they just aren't willing to admit it.

I have noticed that over the last 20 years or so in my humble searches for Enlightenment that the road is long, difficult, and often painful. Some people do not believe that I seek Enlightenment and see my efforts only as arrogance, or perhaps some kind of attempt to be better than other people.


Despite his totally reasonable justifications for underage sex, the glorifying of prostitution as a noble and shameless trade, and explanations as to why he was an intellectual elite for being unemployed, he still wasn't making enough of an impact on the world of educated thought. So he took his whining to the one place where his voice was sure to be heard: Random area chats in the MMOs he plays. This was the perfect strategy, allowing him to waste his time as efficiently as possible.

Having repeatedly asked for it over the course of many years, you would be amazed at his reaction to someone seeking philosophical discourse:

I have contacted the police. I am a 100% open person and really this is silly. Everyone in every facet of my life knows 100% of what I have done and who I am. I have no secrets, and I have no regrets. My family means zero to me and has for decades. The people I have dated can take care of themselves if they have to. Those who know me know me as a very kind man that donates to charity and helps other people. I am a Taoist so you cannot scare me nor concern me.


—Ernie, via Youtube

Most of the women I have met do not even come close to my emotional control, my maturity, and my knowledge

Of course, having "eliminated his ego over the years," there is no force known to man which can phase him. Nevertheless, he will respond to anything he even suspects might be aimed at him, with uncharacteristic punctuality.


ELEJr stephanie weapons.jpg

Seeing as Stephanie doesn't have the life experience Ernie does, the tacit assumption is that she hasn't achieved internet zen, and would be more open to answering very important questions.

troll: how big is ernie's dick
x ShadowKinder x: why does it matter?
troll: yeah i guess you're right
troll: how ashamed are you to shake someone's hand, knowing you've been with a man twelve years older than you
x ShadowKinder x: I don't care
troll: how does it feel to work in a theatre around all these people who would throw you in a ditch if they knew half of what WE knew about you
x ShadowKinder x: don't care
troll: is "i don't care" the only defensive mechanism you have left after years of failed attempts to hold yourself to any standards, even low ones
x ShadowKinder x: k
troll: so what's my ip address
troll: how soon can we expect the police
x ShadowKinder x: *shrug*
troll: should we, or should not we, bake them cookies
x ShadowKinder x: *shrug*
troll: does ernie's son assist in sexual escapades in the household
x ShadowKinder x: no
troll: have you caught him masturbating to sex acts in the household
x ShadowKinder x: your a pervert yourself you know for wanting such intimate details
troll: does ernie molest his son
x ShadowKinder x: no
troll: do you molest ernie's son
x ShadowKinder x: no
troll: why not
x ShadowKinder x: because I am not into that and I think it's gross
troll: is it more or less gross than having sex with an unemployed gamer nearly twice your age
x ShadowKinder x: yeah so
x ShadowKinder x: I guess it just depends on how you take that statement
troll: by that you mean "i choose to put my faith in ernie, who is a pedophile and career failure, and i am probably motivated by the fact that he has put his seed in my uterus"
x ShadowKinder x: no I mean that as a neutral statement
troll: actually forgive me, that's an assumption. you could have swallowed or taken one up the chute.

So yes, she's very much like all other ugly suicidal goth devianTartlet ravers. She also does not appear to be aware of any "Ignore User" features.

Stephanie herself may have the foresight to withhold sensitive personal information, but in birthin' Ernie's kid, she has alienated herself from everyone who formerly pitied her enough to let her cry on their shoulders. Given that we live in a world of social networking and persistent identities, finding these insider informants was no problem. Many amazing science facts were revealed by these poor souls who had the honor of suffering Earnest's presence, and continue to supply moar as events progress.


Can it be that Ernie had a Mormon upbringing?

Jealous of Ernie introducing another woman into their life, but too limp-wristed to do anything overtly hostile about it, Lisa has been refusing to sex Ernie for at least a year and a half, which is strange considering she is Ernie's fiancé. It may also have something to do with the fact that he very casually knocked up another woman, knowing in advance that nobody in that household was capable of supporting a child, financially or otherwise.

As a result, Ernie has been forced to relieve his sexual frustration with Stephanie's now-loosened genital folds, whether she consents or (especially if) not.

Lisa works for Royal Caribbean, a cruise liner company, which was of particular interest to Ernie given his knowledge of a loophole in marriage legislation, outlined at right. Much to the relief of the entire human race, there is other legislation in place that prevents sex offenders, like Ernie, from boarding such cruises. This may also explain Ernie's strained relationship with Lisa; he can't use her for anything other than her paycheck.

Brass Tacks

Earnest Lee Epler, Jr.

  • Usernames: darkorion69
  • Birthdate: January 13, 1975
  • Birthplace: Lakenheath AFB
  • Current residence:
    • ??? (508?) E Skinner St
    • Wichita, KS 67211
    • Being leased by Stephanie's own parents
  • A former residence:
    • Huntington Place Apartments
    • 3915 S Seneca St Apt. 322
    • Wichita, KS 67217
    • Call the apartment offices at (316) 522-1298


  • STO Forums Over 500 posts. Notably, he thinks he should be hired as one of their content writers.
  • TrueAchievements Profile A record of all 1,100+ Xbox 360 achievements he's "earned."
  • Escapist Magazine Forums Few posts, but all of them are gold, including the one where he "feels no shame" in being paid for sex, and notes that he'd be proud of his children if they became prostitutes.
  • Youtube Not much on it, but he DOES check it and reply to messages... Stephanie's account is his only friend.
  • VideoJug Private, but has a cute picture of himself. <3
  • IMDb Wrote two reviews, one for a juggalo movie that came out five years beforehand. Also leaves comments on movies like Harry Potter and Twilight. :(
  • Spore profile Makes Na'Vi so he can jack off to them.


  • Birthdate: Unknown (check her MySpace and shit maybe)
  • Birthplace: Irrelevant, probably Wichita
  • Cell number: (316) 390-9573
  • Formerly employed by Warren Theatres

Usernames and Accounts:


The 26-year-old girlfriend won't talk because she was traumatized as a child and Ernie is the only person who makes her feel loved. Her paycheck is Ernie's only source of income at present.

See Also

Darkorion69 is part of a series on
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