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The Catholic church (not to be confused with it's close affiliate NAMBLA) is the largest organized pedophile ring in the world who pretend to enjoy eating fish sticks on Fridays during Lent and wearing ashes on their forehead once a year to creep people out. Catholics are well known for acceptance of pedophilia in all its forms. Children actually stand less of a chance of being raped by furries than Cath-o-holic priests. All Catholics are closet homosexuals and victims of a repressed sexuality that comes from nonsensical religions such as Catholicism. Note: Some Catholics are not religious, but they may be addicted to cats. Just like fake church of Jehovah Witnesses, before you die, it is important for the church to be remembered in your will.
History of Catholicism
People were fine with being Christians until at least 100 years ago, when some nerd called the Waaaambulance on God making up the rules. Even though Catholics believed God is omniscient, they said that someone who is
actually real actually on Earth should make the rules because they would have a better understanding of what the people want. After a flame war which finally ended in the fifty Ramses illuminations, God the power-hungry bureaucracy of the Catholic Church told everyone that God gave them total power to make up whatever dumbshit ideas they wanted, and He'd have to stick to their rules.
—The Bible, Matthew 16:16-19
Because it was the cool thing at the time, the Catholics made one person have absolute control over their religion for life. This is called the Pope. Using his newfound M4D 1337 R31IGI0U5 powers, the Pope declared that basically everything, even farting, was a sin - except for actually going to church when their "holy book" tells you to (unless you're so stupid you run on the metric system). Howevar, Catholics shouldn't be afraid because all you have to do is say sorry to God, and he has to forgive you, because the Pope totally pwns him. Also important is that the Pope is infallible, which is like godmode for flame wars. It means that no matter what the Pope says, even if it is batshit crazy (which it always is), he is ALWAYS teh winnar. This means that Popes can troll like crazy, and old memes of teh Pope doing it include excluding women from anything but sammich duty in the church. Also, this lets him wear robes all day, every day, kind of like Hugh Hefner, but instead of bunnies, he just keeps a lot of fanboys that are also in robes with him. Catholics believe that when Jesus died, his spirit inhabited Peter and he became Pope. Every time a Pope dies, Jesus leaves him and inhabits another Cardinal in Rome and the other Cardinals have to find him and make him the Pope. This process has proven Jesus to be racist, as the Pope is always white, really old and a former Nazi.
- You must play bingo once a month.
- Roman Catholics are forbidden from the fun of birth control and abortion, citing dumb-shit ideas like God'll get angry if they "spill their seed on the dusty ground". So, Roman Catholics have more kids than
humanly possibleany group except for possibly Mormons. Some Catholics who are farmers use being Roman Catholic simply as an excuse for having children for free labor on their farms.
- Catholics aren't allowed to have sex until married, but it doesn't count if it's a family member or a priest. Catholic parents don't tell their kids about birth control methods or abortion, opting instead to burn into their minds the fear of God by saying that Christ cries when you fuck someone you aren't married to. This method is known to work in most cases.
- If you are Catholic, you won't go to Hell. If you are anything else, you're "misguided" and it is a Catholic's duty to open you up and accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
- In spite of how many kids they have, virtually everything, especially sex-related activities, is a sin to Catholics. Some examples include fetishes, masturbation, owning a cat, watching anime, being jealous, being emo, thinking of sex, girls wearing pants and having a lot of money and not giving it to the church.
- Dancing is allowed (but "keep the holy spirit between you") and drinking is encouraged, especially if you are a priest.
- As long as you say sorry, your sins are forgiven and you get to go to Heaven. However, there are 7 sins that are unforgivable, and if you commit one, you are going to Hell. These 7 sins are used to keep /b/tards, goons and fatties out of heaven. These sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.
- NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY IN THE CHURCH OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!
- Molest small children.
- If married, produce as many children as possible so that the Priest can fiddle with them.
- If the Bible tells you to do something (such as not to worship a tree, or not to pray to a bitch), do the exact opposite
There are over 9000 sacraments in the Catholic Church, including eating Jesus, creating zombies, blowing up abortion clinics, and/or not using contraceptives. It is unknown why there are so many, but experts speculate it is because they had too much time on their hands last Thursday that could not be used "spilling theirs on the dusty ground". Or because the Pope said so. Noone knows.
Hypocrisy in the Catholic Church
Loving of Boys Scandal
So basically everyone who works in the Catholic Church but the Pope is gay. Nuns, for instance, are all lesbians. Everyone else is out to get little boys. When they've gotten a couple dozen, they get promoted to Cardinal, turn into birds, and sometimes control the government of France. The good Cardinals that don't molest children get elected Pope, and get to ride in fucking sweet modded cars like the Popemobile. Holy shit.
- A transvestite vampire nun named Westifer is one of the poor victims, but claims it was only almost-rape. Eh, he likes the bird-cock. Too bad.
- Gorgeous George is a sad victim of Cardinal rape.
Recently, the Catholic Church decided to solve this problem... by publishing a comic book.
Even though it is against the laws of the world and of Jesus, Catholics love to spread their love of Jesus and of Republicans. Catholics and Republicans share a lot of the same characteristics such as haet for homosexuals, haet of abortion, fright of niggas, love of little boys and unwarrented self importance.
Catholics shun gays because God supposedly can stone them at any time and send them to hell. This makes no sense because their priests are gay and priests are believed by Catholics to be a physical representation of Jesus and his spirit and according to the Bible, Jesus can't go to Hell because he doesn't commit sin. God also contradicts himself by saying that we should all love each other, but also saying that gays are evil. we here at ED do not support fags. Every time a Catholic talks about gays, Bill Maher orgasms.
—Jesus, John 13:34-35
—A Catholic with no sense of irony.
—The Bible, Romans 2:11
—The Bible, James 2:9
—The Bible, Leviticus 20:13
Catholicism as a Drama Generating Technique
Being born Catholic is a godsend to college girls who have otherwise had a secure and happy upbringing. Such a female will claim she is a victim because she was told at some point by a nun that sex is for marriage only. As a result, every time she fingers herself or blows some stranger who bought her several jello shots, she is haunted by Sister Mary Theresa's wizened, judgmental face breathing hellfire and brimstone down on her. At some point she will become a bisexual or a Wiccan and start describing herself as a "recovering Catholic" (but never completely recovered because that would end the drama).
Louis CK trolls the Catholic church
Believe it or not there is some hardcore Catholics out there worst than Hitler. Oh shit! The Jews took this video down too!!
- Nobody attractive
- Mel Gibson
- The Pope
- Polish crosslol
- Every beaner
- Mark Foley
- The priest who molested Mark Foley
- John F. Kennedy
- Benito Mussolini
- Half of Ireland
- Leah Remini
- Dane Cook
- Al Capone
- Jonas Brothers
- Tom Araya of Slayer
- Demi Lovato
- Jimmy Savile
Famous Not Catholics
- God Hates Fags
- Roman Empire
- Technical virgin
- The Easter Bunny
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