Bristol Palin is the 17-year-old mother unwed daughter of Republican sex slave/concubine/stripper Sarah Palin. After giving birth to a retard baby last year, her 44-year-old mother claimed it as her own to avoid the scandal. She was then forced to have sex with an Eskimo to explain her long absence from school. Unfortunately she won't be attending the Purity Ball, but her tickets are exchangeable for entry to the Pimps & Hos Ball.
Her pregnancy goes to show that Palin's abstinence-only sex education really works. Instead of teaching her daughter that premarital sex makes Raptor Jesus cry she should have been teaching her how do I used condom? Unlike most christfags who just engage in teh buttsecks to keep their virginity, Bristol Palin just doesn't go there.
HER FIRST CHILD (Yes, she was pregnant 3 times; the news don't add up otherwise)
The Palin family claims that a picture which shows a pregnant Bristol was actually taken in 2006. This is in fact true. She was pregnant in 2006. After an encounter with a twisted coat hanger, the baby was never heard from again. Speculation as to the identity of the father ranges from Bigfoot to Ohbutyouwillpet. Chromedome Canadian Biblethumping Hypocrite has been ruled out in a fierce legal battle under a legitimate justice of the peace.
HER SECOND CHILD
After getting fucked by her brotherand growing a third chin, Bristol had an eight month bout of mono (during which she apparently found a new boyfriend as her brother went to Iraq) while having her Down's baby. Unfortunately she couldn't locate a rusty coathanger this time as their family was using it as a TV antenna on the Gubernatorial Doublewide, and although she had a string it was far too cold in Alaska for a hungry rat to be found so she was forced to carry the baby to term.
HER THIRD CHILD
In keeping with her family's trend of naming kids with stupid names, Bristol named her bastard Tripp.
OH LAWDY IS DAT SUM BABYDADDY
There was long speculation that the father of Bristol's child was actually her own father in a incestuous relationship but it turns out that unlike someone we know, Michael Palin was smart enough to use a condom. According to a /b/tard at her school the BabyDaddy is a wigger named Chris Ray (aka C-Ray or Ice Dice). A search of the internets turns up his "Sweet Gangster Site" where he professes his love for Basketball and Girls; no shit. He doesn't mention his love for watermelonz and Fried Chikins but that goes without saying. Like most niggas his MySpace page lists his occupation as "needs a job." He enjoys the movie Scarface, rollin' dice, rapping about hookers, blow and bustin a cap in yo ass.
It is highly likely that Bristol was banging both of these dudes and it will take a guest appearance on Maury to get to the bottom of this.
Chris has released his plans on his MySpace page. Step #1 is to escape to Russia since it is right next to Alaska. He then wants to "Move to Japan, possibly Tokyo"
He is more than capable of doing this because Chris has "Got game like EA". He also wants you all to know that "The media is dumb". As a 16 year old father-to-be, he knows what smart people do!
Her Dream to be in white house haunted by Obama leaving Clock Bombs
When Bristal checked her news she found Obama was bringing some little muslim kid into the white house. She was supposed to live in their she thought and she immediately took to her blog horns and Declared:
Palin was satisfied knowing that she informed the world of Obama's plan in conjunction with Charles Manson to initiate helter skelter. Obama's respeonce to invite the kid who got arrested for building a clock and one teacher waiting after class when she discovered it to call police about a terrorist. Obama's response was: Cool clock, Ahmed. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It's what makes America great.
Unfortunately the ability to build flavaflavs clocks is arguably more useful than what she produces, unplanned babies.
The 2nd teenage father candidate, Levi Johnston, is apparently a very responsible young man. It's seldom the case that your teenage daughter gets knocked up by someone you'd actually want her to marry, and young Levi is no exception.
According to his sister's MySpace, they are half-Mexican, which is absolutely fucking hilarious considering John McRage voted against his own Senate bill to give amnesty to Wetbacks. His sister also is a nigger lover who wants to marry thugs like Allen Iverson.
He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states like any good Alaskan father would, "I don't want kids." Like most Alaskan rednecks, he enjoys drinking, shooting guns, snagging salmon out of season in closed waters and pretending he's Josh Hartnett (retard) in 30 days of Night.
McCain, figuring that the only way out of this shit storm is through it, has invited Levi to the God-forsaken, storm-weathered, GOP convention. In the name of nonpartisan lulz, here's hoping that he will get to speak his "mind" at the convention.
On Sep 3rd, Levi arrived in St. Paul to attend the GOP convention. He skated the entire way from Alaska in order to save fuel. There, McCain hugged him, rubbed his arm, handed him a box of Magnum condoms, and thanked him for turning the culmination of the senator's decades long career in American politics into an episode of Maury Povich.
To show his commitment, Levi tattooed "Bristol" onto one of his cocks,yes he has two cocks, the same ones he used to shock Bristol for all these long months. Also, he appeared nude in Playgirl as masturbation fodder for the whole Palin Clan. I would put up a link but none of would want to see his two cocks because you'd get jealous
Stay strong Levi
Now feeling like a total asshole and getting bitched at constantly, Levi tells it like it is:
...To show us how hypocrite is formed.
Levi Johnston Fanfic
Levi Johnston waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. Bristol Palin was pregnant. He didn't see the baby, but had expected it now for months. His warnings to Sarah Palin were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. Levi had been a hockey player for many years. When he was young he watched the players and he said to his dad "I want to be on the ice, daddy." Dad said "No! You will GET SOMEONE'S DAUGHTER PREGNANT!" There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the Highschool of Wasilla he knew there were daughters. "This is John McCain" the radio crackered. "You must fight the accusations!" So Levi wrote a blog like Palin does. "You should change the comment that you don't want kids" said Andrea.
Levi baleeted his post and tried to blew him up. But then the cache was saved and they were trapped and not able to baleete.
"No! I must find the guy who banged her up!" he shouted The radio said "No, Levi. You are the guy" And then Levi was a father.
(confirmed). Tell her about your upcoming Purity Ball or maybe ask what she's going to name her kid (Swansea, Field, Radar, Turret, Bible?)
Also, no one knows civics and American history better than the daughter of a governor! Anyone who needs help with their homework should give Bristol a call. She's probably got a lot of free time on her hands and she stopped drinking and doing other drugs after the 1st trimester.
- Levi's MySpace
- Levi Johnston's Sister's MySpace Set to Private
- Her old, dead MySpace
- OH LAWDY IS DAT SUM GOOGLE CACHE?
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