—Ben Schumin, asking for it
Ben Schumin is the dorky little brother of the Internet -- he was one of the first idiots to spam his every dumb thought all over the Internet. He has now grown up to be a fat, bald loser who got fired from Wal-Mart before finding a job at a non-profit, packin' boxes and suckin' dick. This qualifies him for an admin position at TOW, which, sure enough, he was until he ragequit.
How It All Began
- A family dog he fucked to death
- His early inclinations toward furrydom and incest
- Attendance at a so-called "fatness camp"
All that aside, though, Ben started out life no worse than most of us. Sure, he was a dorky kid, but we all start out as dorks. The problem is that this was absolutely the high point of his life. After he got his brains buggered out by Santa (see photo at right), it all went to hell, and he was doomed to a life of total idiocy.
Behold his descent.
Most of those teens updated a few times, put up MIDIs of "Iron Man" and backgrounds of half-naked chicks, and got bored, having exhausted the potential of the Internet at that time. But Ben was not most teens. Instead of getting laid or high, he proceeded to invent Twitter ten years before it was even created.
How did he do this? By posting his every fucking thought and dream. But that wasn't the worst part. Ben managed to be boring even by the standards of Twitter accounts.
Think of the dumbest celebrity ever to have a Twitter account. Now imagine them being forced to drink a quart of vodka and then hit in the head with a bag of rice. That is the level of stupidity Ben brought to bear, day in and day out.
- "Love For All The Wrong Reasons", a quality love poem dedicated to his first (and, to this day, only) girlfriend. Grieve with him:
—Ben took that pretty well, huh?
- "The Dead Man's Headset", a paean to his headset at his meaningless telemarketing job. To be sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island". Check it out now:
—Ben, putting the "soul" in "asshole"
- A motherfucking photo essay on his goddamn trip to Wal-Mart. I shit you not. The reader is spared nothing -- every aspect of the trip, from his ugly sister to each purchase (actual or merely contemplated) to testing out the blood pressure machine...everything.
The Pawn Shop Years
Ben managed to wangle his way into a shitty wannabe university. Even though it was a total party school, Schumin still couldn't get laid. Yes, this is the same "university" that taught Chris-chan how to speak. Good fucking work, assholes.
College provided Ben with unparalleled opportunities to gain three hundred pounds and cream all over the guys. In fact, an entire section of his current website is dedicated to his time at the university.
The Colossus Expands
The Internet may have been young when Ben began his self-centered blather, but there was no way a lolcow like this could go unmilked for long.
Spinnwebe was the first to board the rich, gooey gravy train in September of 2000, with a whole week of articles dedicated to this wonder of the postmodern age, including calling him in his dorm room.
—Spinn, coming to grips with the fact of Ben Schumin
Portal of Evil was quick to feel the Schumomentum, dedicated a whole subforum to The Thalidomide Wonder with activity as recent as 2008. Best of all, Schumin himself joined in, although he was inclined to give out hypocritical advice from time to time.
To some extent, his own marketing was at fault. He made the usual attempts to extend his fifteen minutes of celebrity: attempts to propagate catch phrases, a shocking expose of his dorm room, cheesy merchandising, even the invention of a fictional nation -- a tactic that clever hoaxsters would later use on Wikipedia.
But even the most avant garde measures could not prevent the inevitable indifference that came when people found that Schumin's real interests were above their heads, and eventually they moved on to other, greener pastures.
The Great Engine Of His Mind
What makes Ben tick?
Schumin is the one-stop authority on fire alarms. Not, mind you, in order to do awesome shit, but just the alarms themselves. He is probably the world's foremost expert on fire alarms. He can't design them or anything like that, but he can identify the brand and characteristics of a fire alarm at a glance. This got him about as much ass as you'd expect.
The Price Is Right
He had people re-enact this one as well. And another complete transcript.
Some Fucking Canadian Children's Program
Above all else, Ben loves himself. His discussion forum dedicated to his favorite person ever, his continued coverage of his shopping trips at Wal-Mart, his archive of his personal quotes -- all aspects of Schumin fascinate Schumin.
His Scary-Ass Fan Community
If Ben worries you, get a load of his fans.
Wikipedo No More
For years, Ben was a TOW admin of the deletionist kind, and was therefore an annoying bureaucratic fuck who sought to take down every entry he could, but especially entries on or related to people he didn't like. The most famous example was his attempt to delete the article on Old Man Murray because of some bullshit grudge against one of its founders. This lame vendetta failed, but the other admins covered for him. Naturally.
However, on Wikipedia there is one solid rule: You can abuse outsiders and deny the real world all you like, but if you mess with other admins, you gonna get raped. Eventually the other asspies got sick of Ben and put him up for de-adminning. He responded by running away like a pussy and refusing to respond to the question. Naturally they're not going to go back and review his other bad decisions.
But what will become of all of Ben's great contributions to TOW? His dedication to documenting the facts about himself, fire alarms, himself, cruise ships, himself, bus stops in Washington DC, and himself? Unless he comes crawling back, it looks as if these vital topics will get no further attention.
Where Is He Now?
Ben works at something called Food and Water Watch, which means that he hangs around the food court at local malls and steals leftovers. He is damn near at the bottom of the totem pole there (scroll WAY down), and his job description means he is basically the office bitch, unworthy of even an email address. In his off time, he cries about not being a TOW admin while riding random buses in DC.
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