Ben Schumin

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Ben Schumin, with his only known sex partner

Really, it's all a matter of attention. If I am seeking it, I will gladly accept it. However, if I don't want it, even if it is positive, I will try to escape it, or deliberately ruin it.


—Ben Schumin, asking for it

Ben Schumin is the dorky little brother of the Internet -- he was one of the first idiots to spam his every dumb thought all over the Internet. He has now grown up to be a fat, bald loser who got fired from Wal-Mart before finding a job at a non-profit, packin' boxes and suckin' dick. This qualifies him for an admin position at TOW, which, sure enough, he was until he ragequit.

How It All Began

Ben Schumin started out life as a normal child, although there were early indications of later insanity:

All that aside, though, Ben started out life no worse than most of us. Sure, he was a dorky kid, but we all start out as dorks. The problem is that this was absolutely the high point of his life. After he got his brains buggered out by Santa (see photo at right), it all went to hell, and he was doomed to a life of total idiocy.

Behold his descent.

Feast your eyes on this photo, folks, 'cause after this he gets a hell of a lot uglier.

At the dawn of the Intertubes, Schumin was one of about a million teenagers who managed to master Microsoft FrontPage and put up a shitty AOHell webpage dedicated to themselves.

Most of those teens updated a few times, put up MIDIs of "Iron Man" and backgrounds of half-naked chicks, and got bored, having exhausted the potential of the Internet at that time. But Ben was not most teens. Instead of getting laid or high, he proceeded to invent Twitter ten years before it was even created.

How did he do this? By posting his every fucking thought and dream. But that wasn't the worst part. Ben managed to be boring even by the standards of Twitter accounts.

Think of the dumbest celebrity ever to have a Twitter account. Now imagine them being forced to drink a quart of vodka and then hit in the head with a bag of rice. That is the level of stupidity Ben brought to bear, day in and day out.

Some highlights:

You are a shameless hussy, yes,

A floozy through and through. We know you are
A heartless wench with no regard for those
Who really care.

We ought to lock you in
A room and throw away the key. I will
Not speak to you again. Now please don't let
The door hit you when you exit my life.



—Ben took that pretty well, huh?

  • Chili-bowl haircut and grin like a car grill. Also fatter. But wait, it gets worse!
    "The Dead Man's Headset", a paean to his headset at his meaningless telemarketing job. To be sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island". Check it out now:

The dead man used to know how to,

But now he is no more.
He blew his lover's boyfriend 'way,
Then took eternal tour.



—Ben, putting the "soul" in "asshole"

  • How to go from homely child to porker in a few short years
    A motherfucking photo essay on his goddamn trip to Wal-Mart. I shit you not. The reader is spared nothing -- every aspect of the trip, from his ugly sister to each purchase (actual or merely contemplated) to testing out the blood pressure machine...everything.

The rest of his website was full of this kind of crap. He didn't even go emo, cut himself, listen to shitty music, or any of those Dawson's Creek staples.

The Pawn Shop Years

Deprived of mandatory phys ed classes, Schumin is reduced to bowling a 44

Ben managed to wangle his way into a shitty wannabe university. Even though it was a total party school, Schumin still couldn't get laid. Yes, this is the same "university" that taught Chris-chan how to speak. Good fucking work, assholes.

College provided Ben with unparalleled opportunities to gain three hundred pounds and cream all over the guys. In fact, an entire section of his current website is dedicated to his time at the university.

After staying there for five fucking years, he allegedly graduated with a "degree" in public administration. But it was on the Web that he was to achieve his true potential.

The Colossus Expands

This award is named for the number of times Ben had to go down on the judges in order to win it.

The Internet may have been young when Ben began his self-centered blather, but there was no way a lolcow like this could go unmilked for long.

Spinnwebe was the first to board the rich, gooey gravy train in September of 2000, with a whole week of articles dedicated to this wonder of the postmodern age, including calling him in his dorm room.

He reads like a regular columnist in The Onion.


—Spinn, coming to grips with the fact of Ben Schumin

Portal of Evil was quick to feel the Schumomentum, dedicated a whole subforum to The Thalidomide Wonder with activity as recent as 2008. Best of all, Schumin himself joined in, although he was inclined to give out hypocritical advice from time to time.

The avalanche of praise began: a listing in "Ed's Entertaining Links", redneck towns putting up his YouTube vids, an award for his page on ocean liners, and other recognitions of his greatness.

The Fall

Ben got some whores to model his merch.

But there is no giant so great that there is not an army of midgets kicking at his heels. Schumin, too, had to suffer fools, and in time they laid him low. (No, he still didn't get laid.)

To some extent, his own marketing was at fault. He made the usual attempts to extend his fifteen minutes of celebrity: attempts to propagate catch phrases, a shocking expose of his dorm room, cheesy merchandising, even the invention of a fictional nation -- a tactic that clever hoaxsters would later use on Wikipedia.

But even the most avant garde measures could not prevent the inevitable indifference that came when people found that Schumin's real interests were above their heads, and eventually they moved on to other, greener pastures.

The Great Engine Of His Mind

What makes Ben tick?

Bus Stops

His webpage on bus stops is one of a kind. After all, bus riders can't afford digital cameras.

Fire Alarms


Schumin is the one-stop authority on fire alarms. Not, mind you, in order to do awesome shit, but just the alarms themselves. He is probably the world's foremost expert on fire alarms. He can't design them or anything like that, but he can identify the brand and characteristics of a fire alarm at a glance. This got him about as much ass as you'd expect.

The Price Is Right

Complete with an actual re-enactment, as high school students try to guess the price of groceries. And a complete transcript.

Hollywood Squares

He had people re-enact this one as well. And another complete transcript.

Some Fucking Canadian Children's Program

You only wish I was making this shit up.


The mask cannot hide the fatty within.

Yes, Benny is a black bloc anarchist. No, he doesn't do anything good with his knowledge of fire alarms and bus stations, although "Schumin" sounds kind of Jewish...well, you know what to do.

He also thinks he's part of Anonymous, and occasionally takes part in Project Chanology events. They use him as bait for homos and cannibals.

ALERT: Anonymous has informed us that Ben is a sleeper agent for Scientology. He is to be given a blanket party at the very next anti-Scientology raid.


Above all else, Ben loves himself. His discussion forum dedicated to his favorite person ever, his continued coverage of his shopping trips at Wal-Mart, his archive of his personal quotes -- all aspects of Schumin fascinate Schumin.

His Scary-Ass Fan Community

If Ben worries you, get a load of his fans.

Ben Schumin's Army About missing Pics

Wikipedo No More

For years, Ben was a TOW admin of the deletionist kind, and was therefore an annoying bureaucratic fuck who sought to take down every entry he could, but especially entries on or related to people he didn't like. The most famous example was his attempt to delete the article on Old Man Murray because of some bullshit grudge against one of its founders. This lame vendetta failed, but the other admins covered for him. Naturally.

However, on Wikipedia there is one solid rule: You can abuse outsiders and deny the real world all you like, but if you mess with other admins, you gonna get raped. Eventually the other asspies got sick of Ben and put him up for de-adminning. He responded by running away like a pussy and refusing to respond to the question. Naturally they're not going to go back and review his other bad decisions.

But what will become of all of Ben's great contributions to TOW? His dedication to documenting the facts about himself, fire alarms, himself, cruise ships, himself, bus stops in Washington DC, and himself? Unless he comes crawling back, it looks as if these vital topics will get no further attention.

Where Is He Now?

Go to a real college, kids, or this is the shit you'll wind up doing.

Ben works at something called Food and Water Watch, which means that he hangs around the food court at local malls and steals leftovers. He is damn near at the bottom of the totem pole there (scroll WAY down), and his job description means he is basically the office bitch, unworthy of even an email address. In his off time, he cries about not being a TOW admin while riding random buses in DC.

The lesson is simple: Never get fired from Wal-Mart, never make TOW your life, and never reveal the shallows of your soul on the goddamn Internet. You will never live it down.

Ben Schumin is part of a series on Dying Alone

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