United States of Australia
The United States of Ausfailia, or the great country full of unpatriotic idiots, is the arrogant, alcoholic, cunt-crunching 51st and fattest state of America which will inevitably cause a nuclear Extinction Level Event (or "ELE") through the pure shit-faced stupidity it is famous for.
Before its discovery by the English at least 100 years ago, Australia, like America, was nothing more than a wasteland of well... nothing, apart from a few tribes of primitive savages called Abos who occupied the land; doing nothing but draw in caves, smear paint on their bodies, engage in cannibalism and shit in bushes for some 40,000 years.
As the world's largest
jail (it's spelt gaol, but no one uses britfuckish english), based on an early model that would later become Guantanamo Bay, Australia is comprised entirely of the still imprisoned distant relatives of Britain's worst criminals (tax dodging sheep fuckers) and other detritus (Aspies) and a haven for aspiring international terrorists. Occasionally a feisty young Osama fanboy such as David Hicks will go rogue and spend a few years in Gitmo, but that's OK because these noble heroes will always be welcomed home with open arms.
Until the mid-20th century the country of Australia wasn't really important as nothing or nobody particularly interesting came from it. It wasn't until some time during the 1960s or so when a group of generous American soldiers, while stationed somewhere in Sydney during 'Nam, began pulling Australia out of the Dark Ages by introducing the Aussie population to some cool shit like heroin and cocaine. This kind gesture by one of Australia's most trusted and beloved allies has never been forgotten as massive heroin, crack and coke epidemics would progressively spread like a disease to several parts of the country for many years to come.
Unlike other previously invaded countries, Australians genuinely have weapons of mass destruction and control almost half the worlds Uranium which they will give to the highest bidder, no matter who they may be. If it doesn't make you vomit blood in horror that such incompetent drunks could destroy the world in an instant, the fact that they sell weapons of mass destruction to obvious terrorists is the most horrifying act of terrorism since 11/9. .
Asstralians take great pride in their cultural diversity through such large gatherings as "The Sydney Race Riots" and legislation such as "The White Australia Policy", which luminously highlight the country's warm fuzzy feelings for coloured people. It was not long ago that famed racism ambassador Pauline Hanson, a.k.a. Hitler.au, was a serious political contender, until she was sent to prison for political incorrectness. She subsequently returned to reach the finals on Dancing With the Stars, even though she couldn't dance for shit, proving that she was in fact more popular than and .
Australia has also done a wonderful job at turning the aborigines into a bunch of pathetic whingbuckets who turn everything to shit when they touch it.
Despite apparent opposition to Pauline Hanson, in all other cases racist politicians are rewarded for dealing with the abos and other coloured folk by whichever means necessary. This includes claiming that innocent refugees who very nearly died coming to Australia in a leaky boat to give their children a better life tried to kill their children for some reason. In fact, to roman shower this bullshit just before an election will guarantee you win.
Moreover, even whitie is not exempt from discrimination via these drunkards. It is virtually impossible to obtain a residence permit unless you knock up some Australian whore or are willing to sleep with a fat white middle aged or elderly man for at least 12 months - this is the preferred entry mode for lots of our little south east Asian sisters. Some Australian States legally recognise gender re-assignments, so lady bois can use the fat horny single old guy as an entry route too as long as they are willing to take the final chop and have at least size C implants. However, this is impossible if you so happen to be one of those in such a case you should be burnt at the stake along with the other witches according to the popular Family First political party.
All aspiring immigrants to Australia must now pass a Citizenship Test which accurately filters out dead economic ballast like Jews, Democrats, and fat bitches. This is achieved by looking for complex underlying knowledge of the national values which not even true Australians would have such as Mateship, The Fair Go, Voluntarism, Egalitarianism and Secularism. Persons who pass the test are given a free Australia: Love it or Piss Off insignia kit, and branded with a Southern Cross tattoo.
Proof of Australia being a nanny state
Being a motorcyclist was recently looking at German Schubert Motorbike Helmets. These excellent helmets, European, and US approved are unobtainable in Australia because they have yet to receive ‘Australian Design Approval’. How big is the army of public servants in Australia approving items already approved by competent authorities, and more to the point how much does this ‘approval’ add to the cost of the item.
I suppose while we are rabbiting on about smoking, alchohol and gambling. Does anybody else really believe that this stupid signing in at clubs, whilst adding thousands and thousands of booklets and stubs to landfill, actually achieves any purpose. Or is just another Government Department justifying its existence. If Alcohol Licensing really wanted to justify their existence how about they take a walk down any main street at 3 am.
Can't quite see why people are getting themselves in a lather about the national broadband network. Would seem to be the catalyst for a paradigm shift in the way they do things. Just think all those offices in all those cities can only do one thing – exchange information. With decent broadband speeds we can all do that from our lounge room. Seems like it would fix the transport problems for a start.
News that, already, European Industrial Companies are sitting on about 10 Billion Euros of carbon credits, and that some major Australian Companies are making a nice little earner by doubling their purchase price of credits when onselling, is a salutory reminder to us all that the credits you give away to day to your solar installer could be worth double tomorrow and that the whole scheme is highly rortable.
It seems the good old ( stay in bed or you might get hurt ) occupational health and safety imbroglio has spawned a thriving industry of private contractors who obviously at great expense with vehicles, flashing lights, hundreds of road cones, slow down signs and other paraphernalia, demand that you start slowing on the highway about a kilometer before a lazy road verge lawnmower machine that is going about its work. In prior years, one sign something like ‘caution road works in progress’ was the norm and to the reasonable person appeared quite satisfactory.
the goverment hides things we all know it, all things cause global warming. How about our planet travelling through the cosmos? How much is caused by what’s on the outside of our atmosphere? What about the sun? Unknown radiation? The point is anything could be causing it and man’s contribution towards warming could be minimal.
Half of the population in the world is in Asia and I bet they will not be paying a carbon tax. China will not stop using coal and they cannot afford not to export the stuff to them. Considering that with 22 million people in Australia they intend changing the worlds habits what a joke. Maybe they should seriously look at their refugee problem when 93% of them being there for five years have not got a job.
The Australian government is VERY worried about your safety online. So serious that they are willing to use millions of tax payer dollars advertising the most epic 84 million dollar porno filter the world has ever seen. Unfortunately said filter was quickly proven by a 16 year old boy to be a complete piece of shit. Good work Johnny. You did the country proud.
You too can download this mind easing tool which will 100% protect you from the horrors of the internet from netalert.gov.au. Beforehand however take note that it's at least 100% likely ED is blocked. Fucking kangaroo humpers.
In 2007 Ruddkips promised that if elected he would implement a world class "adult content" filter that if installed would monitor all internet traffic in Australia. Sound familiar? Ruddkips also has a degree in Asian Studies and speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese hence one can only deduce that Ruddkips is a filthy communist and must be purged before he can start setting up gulags.
By 2010, Australia's filtering scheme has been attacked by Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, the United States, and even moralfags. Not one to back down from a challenge, the Ausfailian gubmint announced plans to force ISPs to log every website Australians visit, along with all email traffic in Australia. When asked "what the fuck are you doing you horrible cunt?", Internet Villain of the Year Steven Conroy explained that, besides wanting to secure his party's defeat at the next election, the plan was mainly for security reasons: "Look... there is a staggering number of Australians... being in having their... computers INFECTED at the moment. Up to 20 THOUSAND... uhhhh... can... regularly be getting infected by these... uhhh... spams, or scams, that come through, the portal". ~ Fortunately, because these people have no idea how the internet works, they missed the fact it will only record data based around Australian services, meaning that 90% of data they want logged will be missed. Most of the remaining 10% will also be missed due to Australian's simply avoiding the scheme via a VPN.
In the style of his close friends in China, Ruddkipz plans to censor the internet in Australia despite everyone in the fucking world opposing the idea. The shitty idea will slow down Australia's already pathetic internets by an average of 30% and block all content not suitable for children. Say goodbye to internet porn and the *chans Australia, and possibly Encyclopedia Dramatica. Moar info here.
— Phil Sweeney
The list was recently leaked on wikileaks, it bans the ENTIRE encyclopediadramatica.com domain. It also includes several Wikipedia pages: a nonexistent page, A list of "weird pictures" - NSFW, but no CP here, BALEETED!. This proves beyond doubt that all
Australian politicians are Fucktarded, probably through all the incest rape.
More recently due to Ausfailia's outcry, Rudkips has decided that it was a stupid idea and has scraped it announcing that it was all just a joke. Feeling raped and betrayed, Ausfags slowly recovered and began to warm to Rudkips once moar, ONLY TO HAVE THEIR COLLECTIVE ARSE IMPALED BY THE NANNY STATE'S PERSONIFIED CAWK!. Turns out the filter is going ahead as planned, and they announced it in late December, too. Merry Christmas you pathetic cunts!
Internets warrior Kevin Rudd recently pledged in his election pork-barreling campaign to give Australia world class internets (
ADSL2+ to be exact FTTP nao, you fucking idiot) in the form of a $43 billion broadband network. This sent the media into a frenzy and caused many to realise just how old the ex-Prime minister John Howard was. This was not helped when little Johnny countered this grandiose plan by creating the epic porno filter which doesn't fucking work.
- Small boobs.png
Upon viewing this material, you are now considered a pedophile and potential terror suspect by the Australian government. The Party Van is due to arrive at your house any moment now. Allow me to suggest your next course of action...
—Aussie Pride, Worldwide
Law and Order in Australia
Australian States and Territories
Australia <3's Islam
As the 1990s drew to a close with the climax of Pauline Hanson's "One Nation" party, the traditional Australian past time of bashing Asian refugees lost its shine, as the nation realised it was in fact lucky to be getting such cheap, high grade Vietnamese heroin, and that their grub wasn't too bad after all. Clearly with no influence from the American motherland, Aussie thought laterally and with a bit of ingenuity, voila, found a new, largely untapped minority to marginalise, Australian-Lebanese Arab (translation- loyal, personal ambassadors of Osama Bin Laden). This method of inducting newfags into the clan goes back to the Irish, then wogs mid-century, and now present day muzzies. In the interests of preserving cultural heritage, it will no doubt continue in the future.
Here are some views and reactions of the forever reasonable, outward looking, open minded Australian public...
A fine young Australian chap
Australia: The Lucky Country - Also the Radioactive Waste Dump of the World
No matter what they advertised there in Australia, it isn't a lucky country but does pack many lolz. It sucks the balls of mighty Asia and is nothing more than the dumping grounds of nuclear waste of America and Europe and displaced European criminals. These disgraces of human beings were deemed unworthy of being on British soil so they were sent to Australia as a means of getting rid of them forever as far away as possible, and hopefully killed. But unfortunately these low-grade humans call Australia the lucky country, but it wasn't lucky for the Aboriginals who lived there and lulz-ily got killed by those same genocide loving assholes. Who has been there for 40,000 years and the oldest and luckiest country is a propaganda phrase used to cover up Australia's most lulzy taboo Genocide lol.
But of course White Australians don't like that word, but they'll admit to words like Pacifying, Killing, Cleansing, Excluding, Exterminating, Poisoning, Shooting, and Starving. Anything but genocide, anything but the truth.
PRAISE AUSTRALIA DAY, Y'ALL!!!
The White Australian Government paid large tax breaks by to the propagandists for a film simply called "Australia" that advertised this shit country as a fun (link sex), happy (link cum), and most of all lucky country. It used an Aboriginal girl (link prostitot) to distract (link stupid) people from te continuing ongoing genocide there lol.
Well besides that it's also nothing more than a dumping ground for our shit anyway, all our Nuclear Waste is shit out of Americas and Britain loose ass near the seas of Australia.
Australia is also known to create inspiring biopics of their most cherished, honored, intelligent and influential citizens, including mass serial-killing sadist and rapist Ivan Milat, referred to as "The Backpacker Murderer."
"THAT'S FORE WRECKIN' ME FACKUN' TRUCK, YA BITCH!"
They also sometimes peddle out complete crap like:
- Geoffrey Leonard - Sexually abused a sixteen-year-old boy and his thirteen-year-old brother "beyond belief." After serving his prison term, he wrote several books; all of which are, apparently, about "molesting young boys."
- Peter Scully - A prime example of how nasty is Australia. Tortured and raped/molested kids -Sharjah Ruler style- followed by killing them. Not only that, but he sold such videos on the deep web too.
- Crocodile Dundee - Australia's official national treasure as of 2008.
- Mickyy Moo - Yes, the queen of the trolls is from Australia.
- Josef Fritzl - Australia's ex-king, current prime minister.
- Morgan Bye - Australia's Youngest Pedophile
- The Teenage Kings of Werribee - Young social and political activists and representatives of the Australian culture, expected to form the next government of the country.
- David Thorne - The only good to ever come from Australia, mostly because he trolled other Australians. Also, he now lives in America.
- Rolf Harris - Australia's Colonel Sanders lookalike and household name who went from singing about tying down kangaroos to hosting an animal welfare program on the BBC for 10 years. Turns out he's been tying down children too. Recently found guilty of kiddie fiddling, you can be sure Harris' arse will be a wobble board in prison for all his fellow inmates to enjoy.
- Marty Bryant - Famous traveller and Australia's current IRL Unreal Tournament deathmatch champion; scored 35 frags and 19 hits in the 1996 Port Arthur Tournament.
- Steve Irwin - Crocodile rapist who was pwnt by a fucking STINGRAY.
- Ivan Milat - Typical helpful and friendly Aussie, always willing to help out a tired tourist, asking for nothing but some fun and frolicking in return. Did his part to improve the world by decreasing the amount of the English and Germans in it.
- SNOIPAH - A polite and civilized gunman. Of course, he's a video game character because an actual Australian could conquer none of his traits.
- Kylie Minogue - Dat ass.
- MichaelDragon800 - Infamous Sonicfag, tap pervert and brony.
- Rupert Murdoch - Controls Faux News, the world's most trusted media network. You can always rely on FOX to cum down your throat.
- Steven Conroy - Minister for Censorship and Pandering to Religious Shitheads, aka Defender of faith, Protector of children, and Saviour of all mankind. He is single-handedly editing all wikis to remove all the "naughty bits".
- Michael Atkinson - Responsible for the wholesale banning of vidya, as well as decreeing that anonymous bloggers must blog with their real names during state elections, else risk jail. Less than a day later however, the Attorney-General repealed the law, likely due to the public's fist inserted up his arse.
- - Another notorious dungeon rapist from Australia. Cunt's fucked.
- Julian Assange - IRL troll and Sweeaboo-rapist from Wikileaks.
- Chopper Read - criminal who wrote some books full of lies.
- HairyNosedWombat - By far the biggest Australian faggot to use the internet, this crybaby asshole is a fat, 70-year-old Muslim alcoholic who spends his pathetic existence posting his faggotry on IMDb.com.
A popular mode of transport in Australia, the Kangaroo (pronounced KAN-ga-ROO, meaning "Lolwut?" in the Aboriginal tongue) is a cute and fluffy creature that can absolutely rape the shit outta you like Mike Tyson on speed. They bounce around on their back legs and can knock you out with a punch. The said creatures venture through the bush and deserts, looking for something to eat, and an Aboriginal to kick the shit out of. Some may confuse a kangaroo for a wallaby, and even though they're different, nobody gives a shit. When asked nicely you can have a ride on a Kangaroo. They will take you to Aboriginals who will eat you. The Kangaroo's get nothing for riding you to the aboriginals because they're stupid fags. When seeing a kangaroo make sure you're a nigger and have no clothes on to confuse them to be an aboriginal so they wont eat you. When they are alone it is likely that they are fapping to 4chan.
After millennia of pwning (and being worshipped by) neanderthals, this large flightless bird turned its rapey stare to the white man and proceeded to wreak havoc on outback communities by eating all the crops and stampeding through like a giant tumbleweed of beaked trollfaces. This culminated with the Australian government declaring war on the Emu. For cereal. Like some other wars, the Emu War failed. "The Emu command had evidently ordered guerrilla tactics, and its unwieldy army soon split up into innumerable small units that made use of the military equipment uneconomic." - TOW. Emus: 1, Shitfaced Convicts with Machine Guns: 0.
- Go cry emu kid.jpg
Why so emo?
Contrary to popular belief, a koala is not a fucking bear, faggots. It eats all your trees and sleeps most of the time. Well known for their cuteness and cuddliness, koalas often drop from trees and kill people on impact. They also produce a loud roar that will make you cry. Protip: Japanese schoolgirls cannot resist the koala's kawaii ^-^', which can be exploited by certain people.
The koala is known as one of Australias deadliest animals as almost all of them have chlamydia (no srsly, go look it up) and will spread it to you. it is a well known fact that the reason why koalas have the clap is because that when the aboriginies get high from sniffing paint fumes and they can find any little boys around they will rape any koala they can find.
Accurate representation of the political views, and appearance of the average Australian.
How to Troll
- Tell White Australians to go back to the British jails they came from.
- Remind them that White Australians are also immigrants and it doesn't matter how many generations they've been there, they will never be considered real native Australians.
- Remind them that Hitler thought Australians were inferior and wanted the Japanese to wipe them out (another reason why the Nazis should have won the war).
- Ask them about the extensive amount -hundreds- of Australian males traveling to Bali & Thailand to engage in underage prostitution.
- Ask them if their parents were brothers and sisters who had sex due to religious crap.
- Confuse them for Germans.
- Confuse them for New Zealanders
- Confuse them for British
- Confuse them for shit.
- Ask them why their country is infested with pedophiles.
- Ask them why it's legal for adults in Australia to have sex with 16 year old Children.
- Tell them Australia was a prison for British rapists and pedophiles, as a result they carried these genes towards lowering age of consent to 16 in order to maintain their sick pedophilia fantasies.
- Tell them to stop pretending as you know everything.
- Tell them it’s too late to censor it as you already know.
- Tell them that Australian slang is the worst thing that ever happened to the English language and its slowly dying off (thank fuck).
- Remind them that the Anzacs sucked during WW1, and the Muslim Ottoman Empire fucked them up in Gallipoli (not like the Ausfags had a chance).
- Ask them why they celebrate Anzac day even though they lost the battle of Gallipoli(Fucken Retards).
- Say the Gallipoli campaign was less important to WWI than a dry fart in a trench.
- Tell them their women are ugly, dumb and fat (the Australian men already know, that's why they are marrying fit, smart, attractive Asian women).
- Remind them that they are a minor nation that no one gives a fuck about.
- Invite them to see an Australian film.
- Say that Bart Vs. Australia was the best travelogue you've ever watched.
- Interrupt them when they're talking by saying 'a dingo ate your baby'.
- Start every conversation with "Thank God for the USA".
- Apply your own culture's racial stereotypes to their and .
- Ask them, "Why are the Lebanese so poorly treated in your country?"
- Tell them any Australian detention centre is worse than Guantanamo Bay.
- Tell them the Bali bombing was a forced meme.
- Tell them you know about their 80s-90s Shenanigans of Child Abuse and the worshipping of a devil in human body by doing everything he does.
- Tell them their version of football is gay. (Only works on Victorians. The entire rest of the country already knows this.)
- Remind them that the superior smart Asians and Indians are the only reason their country is doing economically well, and has nothing to do with the fat,lazy,drunk,stupid white convicts. (That statement is surprisingly true).
- Remind them that China could wipe Australia of the world map with their Nuclear arsenal, so keep sucking their cock.
- Purposely confuse their flag with the New Zealand flag.
- If you hear them talk, tell them they sound British.
- Remind them they are the spawn of convict buttrape (disregard that, that's their greatest source of pride).
- Remind them that they are actually the low caste inferior whites, no different from the nigga white Irish and the sub-human white eastern Europeans.
- Tell them that removing the White Australia policy was the best thing that ever happened to their country.
Things Australians Hate
- Being patriotic
- Anyone who disagrees with them
- Foster's Beer
- The British
- Eating healthy foods
- The Americans
- Enforcing the law
- Helping poor people
- Mel Gibson
- The Westboro Baptist Church
Great Australian Bake Sale
The Great Australian Bake Sale of 2009 began in the Victoria region on the 7th of February when a group of ozzy /b/tards decided to raise money for moar internets by staging a bonfire and charging people $1A (about £0.00001) to roast marshmallows.
Sadly, the aforementioned 'tards got so caught up in watching old episodes of Sons & Daughters that they didn't watch the BBQ properly and things got a bit out of hand.
Many people tried to hide from the flames but due to a recent outbreak of AIDS, most pools were unfortunately closed.
Famous Australians on ED
- Aboriginal - Typical citizens of Ausfalia.
- Hugh Jackman Can Ride Anything - An example of Ausfalia trying to force a meme.
- Josef Fritzl - The most famous Ausfalian.
- Cocaine Babe not a citizen but she'll be in Australia for almost 5 years.
- Rove McManus
- Danger Dolan
- Ruth Frith
- Daniel Iskandar - Claims to be a celebrity because of this page.
- Snapesnogger - World's most glass jawed Deviantartist.
- Team Fortress 2 - FPS game featuring ausfags
- Yahtzee Worthless piece of shit. So as tradition, the British government b& his ass to stralia
- Mad Max (Game)
- Official site of the United States of Australia
- Popular Australian pastime (AIDS)
- ninemsn article on this article
- Australia is now the fattest country in the world
- Typical Australian road trip
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United States of Australia
|Featured article January 25, 2008|
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