There comes a time in every man's life when situations spiral out of control and he finds his back against an wall. Maybe somebody stole his iPod. Maybe he just killed his wife and kids. Maybe he looked in the mirror and saw a Fucktard. Maybe you can't live with the fact that you're a washed-up actor who's addicted to sex with Thai ladyboys. Whatever the reason, you can either get up and face the music, or you can tell the world and whatever deity you believe in to fuck off. In the latter case, pull out your list of final solutions and place a check in the suicide box, because tonight, you dine in hell. Simply pwning oneself IRL is no cause to become "An Hero". Without exceptions, "An Heroes" are made, not born. You cannot fucking be An Hero, get over it!! When otherwise normal and rational people fondly eulogize and honor those that have killed themselves before them, that's when "An Hero" is made. Like it or not, somebody out there probably gives a shit about Kurt Cobain. Could anyone say the same about you? That's why you'll never amount to anything. You'll never be "An Hero". Don't let us stop you from trying, though. Having said that, becoming an hero is shit because you won't get to see the results of your successful endeavors (assuming Hell doesn't have a live broadcast of your funeral, you absolute pancake). However, if you do a school shooting and don't kill yourself, you just might. With a lot of luck. Don't expect not to get raped and murdered in prison, or executed in the electric chair. There is no half/almost/soon An Hero. Either you blow your brains out and become An Hero or don't, but in your case, please do.
The phrase "An Hero" dates back to 2006, in reference to the prototypical An Hero, Mitchell Henderson, who famously shot himself after losing his iPod. /b/tards jumped on a grammatical error made by many of his MySpace friends, and it is now immortalized as the banner under which we mock those courteous enough to remove themselves from the gene pool. Since then, an heroes of all ages have bravely been removing themselves from the gene pool, including 3 year olds.
You and Your Potential An Hero
You hate life. You have no friends. Your dad is an alcoholic. Your mom is a slut. School sucks. You get molested after class. You couldn't get a Wii two years ago or today. You lost your iPod, which, by the way, had shitty music on it. You're gay. You get bullied. No one loves you. Everyone hates you. You just lost the game. You've been thinking about becoming an hero for a while now, but are not sure. Will anyone care? Have you given the military a try? Will anyone remember you? No, because you're unimportant and no one would miss you if they even knew who you were. Now you have to get set on changing that.
IRL usage of an Hero prior to the 20th century fagification of the Engrish language
While "an Hero" is regarded as a grammatical error by modern linguists, usage of the quantifier an before words that started with a morpheme of the pattern CV that began with an h in the onset was common usage before the
—Cowper's translation of Homer, circa 1790. Clearly, this implies that Mitchell Henderson is a time traveler from the 16th century who killed himself over a perceived decline in the English language.
As h is often unspoken in certain British dialects, the "an" of "an hero" could be phonetically appropriate when speaking cockney:
A Dictionary of the English Language (1824), defines the word heroical as something befitting an hero.
It is also an obscure fact that the song "And the Hero Will Drown" by Story of the Year was originally titled "An Hero Will Drown Himself".
For most men, before they become "An Hero", they kill themselves in order to deliver a final "Fuck You" to the world. Male suicide is over 9000 times more prevalent than female suicide, simply because a man has at least 100 times as much testosterone as your average woman, and is usually possessed of a certain degree of mechanical aptitude, which women never are.
Women commit suicide for one of only two reasons. In the lesser case, they've lost someone they love and can't imagine dying alone. They decide to do Mother Nature and humanity a solid by also removing themselves from the gene pool.
In all other cases, the woman attempts suicide and fucks up, resulting in her accidental death. Women are impelled to feign suicide whenever they are beset by despair. These women believe that people around them will support and comfort them, even if the only person from whom they're in danger is themselves. This is colloquially known as a "cry for help". They tend to use "sleeping pills" in their attempt and often need to try again. Maybe if they self-headshotted like a real man, they'd be successful.
See also: Unrealistic Expectations and Hollywood Martyr. The only female an heroes worth mentioning are Megan Meier, whose suicide produced epic BAWWW all over the internets, and Christine Chubbuck, a '70s news anchor who shot herself during a live newscast moments after making a joke that she was doing so in accordance with network policy to bring the viewers more "blood and guts".
Those who comprise the 'emo scene', specifically My Chemical Romance, were criticized by the coroner at the inquest into the death (by hanging) of a girl from Maidstone, Kent in the United Kingdom named Hannah Bond.
Famous Implements Used to Become An Hero
- Razor blades
- A lost Ipod
- Sex with a horse
- Being a witch
Kool-aidActually it was Grape Flavor-Aid, Hollywood made it Kool-Aid.
- Shotgun Mouthwash
- Bricks and knives
- Shooting up malls claiming you'll be famous
- Pissing off the Jews and Romans, then carrying a crucifix up a hill so you can get nailed to it
- An American Aeroplane
- A circular saw
- Listening to the
- Listening to Miley Cyrus
Why you are NOT "An Hero"
- You have lost your Zune.
- You have friends who can spell.
- The only people who fell for your faked suicide were juggalos.
- You did not kill yourself.
- You are still alive.
- Your eulogy is not posted on
- You are not Heath Ledger.
- You are not a 16 year old girl
- You haven't finished drafting your suicide note.
- You are not Hammy Havoc.
- You are a Jew.
Reasons You Are An Hero
- You lost your iPod.
- You lost your iPhone 4G Prototype.
- You have lost the game.
- No one likes you.
- Your dad would not let you play Wii.
- The world shall not ignore your pain any longer..
- You got a ticket for a ride on a spaceship behind a comet.
- Your girlfriend dumped you.
- Your parents won't let you go see My Chemical Romance.
- Your prison lover left you.
- You are in an "internet suicide room."
- You got rejected from MIT or Harvard.
- The sand ninjas from Naruto made you kill yourself in a small sandbox.
- You overdosed on drugs when trying to create more stories for your cult to believe.
- You get butthurt from people calling you a newfag, when in reality...you are.
- Self injury just wasn't enough.
- Edward Cullen won't respond to your emails.
- You're unemployed.
- You are in love with Josh Evans.
- You think the internet is real life and you're AN HERO because some one who lives 5000 miles away says that your YouTube video is shit.
- You own a MacBook Air.
- You're a "victim" of sexting.
- Your mom cancelled your World of Warcraft account.
- You are distraught that Michael Jackson died before he had a chance to molest you.
- You haven't had a girlfriend since 1984, and haven't gotten laid since 1990.
- You enjoy choking on both cocks and weed.
- You are Admiral Boorda and know that you'll never earn that fifth star.
- You are into Autoerotic asphyxiation and your orgasm lasted longer than you thought.
An hero Day
- On April 20, 571 AD, Mohammed was born. For centuries to come, countless Muslims would honor their prophet by becoming an heroes.
- On April 20th, 1889 Adolf Hitler was born. After causing lulz, he became an hero.
- On April 20th, 1945 - The US Military captured Leipzig, Germany. Leipzig's mayor killed himself, becoming an hero, but not before he killed his wife and child for the lulz, making him pretty awesome; otherwise nobody would give a shit about him.
- On April 20th, 1999, two heroes named Eric and Dylan decided to shoot up their school for the lulz. After killing 13 people, they became an heroes.
- On April 20th, 2006, Mitchell Henderson was having a bad day, and he couldn't find his iPod. He finally couldn't take it anymore, and so he became an hero.
- On April 20th, 2007 a man raided mission control in Houston and shot a hostage before shooting himself. Houston, we have an hero.
- On April 20th, 2007, Ben Vodden hung himself because his bus driver called him a wank.
- On April 20th, 2010, an oil rig off the Gulf Coast called Deepwater Horizon was blown up by muslims. Stoners all over the world didn't notice.
- An hero day is also 4/20, count on many stoners tripping balls as you end yourself
Sometimes an heroes need a gentle nudge in the right direction, this is why "an villains" exist. By committing some serious IRL trolling, you too can drive that wannabe an hero to achieve his/her full potential. Good examples of an villains include Gary Oak (the Ash you see nowadays is a different one), Jesus and Bowser. Be warned that even though being an villain is a kind and noble act, many do not see it this way. Many will try to hurt, kill, rape or even troll you (it's like the goatse man getting goatsed). Be sure to always pack some heat and carry a razor blade; an villains can turn into an heroes too.
Sometimes a person's motivation for becoming an hero is the very thing that prevents them from doing so; due to sickness, paralysis, incarceration or even mental retardation. In this case they may need to recruit an sidekick to assist them in their endeavour, usually a close friend, family member, or helpful doctor.
Anna Esther Svidersky (April 26, 1988 – April 20, 2006) was a teenager who lived in the U.S. city of Vancouver, Washington, and was murdered while working in a McDonald's restaurant, by schizophrenic sex offender David Barton Sullivan. News of her death quickly spread worldwide, initially through the Internet friends site MySpace, where she had a personal page, and then through other similar sites.
- Where have all the good parents gone?
- And where is my iPod?
- Where's the street-wise bullies?
- To assault me after school?
- Isn't there a teacher in a fiery tie?
- Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I'll be
- I'll be an hero
- I'm becoming an hero at the end of the week
- I just killed two cops
- And I'm gonna be dead
- And I'm gonna be fresh from the morgue
- I'll be an hero
- I'll be discovered by Mom in the morning light
- I had a bad day
- And I was called gay
- And now I'm larger than life
- Now I'm an hero.
An Heroes Song
(To the tune of "Heroes" by David Bowie.)
I-I wish I could find
Find my iPod-Nano 16 gig
Though nothing-nothing will keep us together
I can't find it-I've lost it forever
Oh I'll be an hero-on 'An Hero Day'
We-we've been playing
Playing-playing some 'Doom'
And Manson he told us to slay
Oh let's be an heroes-on 'An Hero Day'
We can PWN them-on 'An Hero Day'
I-I went on Bebo
And in Wales-and found me a tree
Tied my rope-put my neck through the hoop
But before-told 'The Sun' bout me
I stood on the stool-kicked it from beneath me
Oh I'll be an hero-cos Bridgend is shit
Let's be an heroes (3X)
On 'An Hero Day'
Let's be an heroes
We're dying, and dying by ourselves
We need attention, oh put me on 4chan
But we could be famous, til the meme dies
Oh, oh, oh, ohhh-oh, oh, oh, ohhh, on 'An Hero Day'
Oh, on 'An Hero Day'
I promised him I wouldn't be reckless. I promised him I'd be okay...I love him....tell him I love him. And tell him to not be so upset about me...I don't want him to dwell on what could have been. I don't want to ruin his life.
The Official An Hero Song
The "An Hero" Paradox
Scientists have theorized about what is known as the "An Hero" paradox. In order for such a paradox to take place, two people with iPods must steal each other's iPod. The obligation to become an hero would conflict with the gain of an iPod, most likely producing the same results as dividing by zero.
Scientists resolved the problem by confirming that anyone who owns an iPod should become an hero immediately due to the intense fail of iPods. The only problem with this is that only emo faggots use iPods. And you should know that emos never kill themselves (sadly).
Japanese East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere An Hero
Yukio Mishima, Japan's leading Cocksman, achieved the highest score playing seppuku on his Nintendo Color TV Game. For his achievements, The Japanese Self Defense Forces gave him a high-five and a pat on the back for good measure, but secretly they laughed at him behind his back. Mishima saw a printed AIM CONVO of their giggling and was transformed into a mighty Showa Emofag. He knew that something had to be done immediately, so he went inside and had one of his pretty young men behead him after he disemboweled himself.
In this movie, an unknown source releases a chemical that causes entire populations of people to kill themselves and become an heroes. As a matter of fact, the only people in the movie who do not become an heroes are the main characters, as if this wasn't a drawn-out horror movie cliché. As the movie does not explain much about it's own plot in the end and watching it is a huge waste of time for anybody.
Actually, the 'unknown source' was a bunch of fucking plants. Angry, vengeful plants. Never before in a movie have there been so many stock shots of wind blowing ominously through foliage, and never before have so many enviro-Nazis simultaneously wet themselves.
Video tutorials on how and how not to an hero
GLORIOUS NUCLEAR SUICIDE
Of all the ways to become an hero, this is the best by far:
An YouTube Heroes
⠀⠀⠀This section is incomplete; you can help by expanding it.
An Hero version 2.0
These are just like an hero v1.0, with one exciting difference: they kill everyone they encounter, then use their last bullet to clean the slate.
How to become or upgrade to version 2.0?
- Having made all other preparations common to v1.0 procedure, proceed to your nearest arms dealer the more illegal the better.
- Buy whatever you can lay your hands on (bonus points for automatics and/or shotguns).
- Find an occupied area (bonus points for schools and hospitals; score is doubled if you hate anyone usually found there).
- Kill em' all, baby.
- Remember: that last shot is for you.
Notable An Heroes Version 2.0:
⠀⠀⠀This section is incomplete; you can help by expanding it.
- Adam Lanza
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Chris Benoit
- Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold
- Jaylen Fryberg
- Tim Kretschmer
- Jaylen Fryberg
- Elliot Rodger
- Robin Williams
- Chester Bennington
- Verne Troyer
- William Atchison
- A and an
- An Halo
- An hero day
- Final solution
- Golden iPod
- Robert Seman
- Lil Peep
- Kate Spade
- Mitchell Heisman
- Ricky Rodriguez
- Stiletto Null
- Suicidal Failure
- The An Heroes of Bridgend
- Tiziana Cantone
- Katelyn Nicole Davis
- My Hero Academia
Or you could just look at the template down below.
- Stupid Teen Crimes
- TAIWO AKINKUNMI - AN HERO WITHOUT HONOR
- Bridgend, where Heroes go to copy the Internets.
- The cause of an heroism on TOW
- A list of An Heros and Attempted Heros
- LHC an hero!
- Worker commits suicide over misplaced iPhone
- Man commits suicide after losing free buffet for life at casino.
- Some redneck kills wife, four others and self over EGGS.
- Big collection of heroes who did it for the lulz.
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