Were you looking for The Amazing Atheist?
Alcoholics Anonymous is a group that you're sent to by some court of law trying to act as big brother while attempting to drive you away from enjoying one of God's greatest gifts to mankind: Alcohol.
When you love to drink and have fun, being ruled to join AA is like being told to place a plastic bag over your own head to suffocate yourself or to cut your own dick or titties off. This sentence is every redneck and Irishmen's worst nightmare. It's the same thing as taking candy away from a baby or taking away a nigger's welfare check. It's like forcing a fat person to live off an IV machine or placing a pillow over a premature infant's head to reduce its life-supporting oxygen.
If you said that you'd try it, not only are you a fucktard, but you are a suitable candidate for Alcoholics Anonymous, a program that works exactly as well as the hypothetical "medicine" above.
Alcoholics Anonymous is an international fellowship of men and women who have consumed so much alcohol that they have caused severe butthurt to everyone they know, are related to, or have ever been near to, including themselves. Desperate for a solution that allows them to believe that it is not all their own fault, they buy the bullshit that drinking booze is a disease, they formed a group where they sit around in rooms talking, drinking coffee, and acting extremely self-righteous about all the truly fucked up things they have done.
In AA there is no "don't bite the newcomers" rule, so the oldfags, who are usually disturbingly old but love the 13th step and the underage tweenies both boys and girls , haze the new guys and hit on the new women desperately trying to get laid , whether they are skanks, skeezers, or NORP's.
What is A.A?
In 1934, Bill Wilson ran out of beer money. He claimed to be a Christian at the end of his rope, but showed himself to be a jew when he figured out that sufferers of alcohol dependency would give him money for the opportunity do homework (for alcoholics; the work being predominantly spiritual soul searching). He wrote a book telling people they had a disease, and the only treatment for it was to pay Bill lots and lots of money. He is considered the most original troll of the 21st Century.
—Homer J. Simpson
Once people figured out God wasn't real, and people figured they'd find another way to fix their problems, Bill Jew-haggled his way into the courts so that if you got caught being drunk in public, you'd have to go to an AA meeting, thus increasing Bill's revenue of jew gold.
Some professionals refer to alcoholism and drug addiction as “substance abuse” or “chemical dependency.” We prefer to call it funny. Nonalcoholics are, for some reason unbeknownst to us, sometimes introduced to A.A. and encouraged to attend A.A. meetings - making it surprisingly easy to pick up anything (or anyone, they're all drunk) you want. Hookers and blow are kept on ice for emergency party situations. Anyone may attend open A.A. meetings, but only those who really like to get down and drink hard may attend closed meetings.
Is Alcoholics Anonymous a Cult?
A.A. members tend to be rather disturbingly fanatic in their worship of the entire organization to which they belong. Many members would fight more zealously to defend their group than would two jews over loose change. A.A. members would have you believe that, without their precious little club, they wouldn't stand a chance against their own predisposed tendency towards abusing alcohol, because they are weak. The strong religious background of the group also supports the conclusion that A.A. is, in fact, a cult because, as we all know, religious people are brainwashed.
But, for those of you who wish to draw their own conclusions about the organization, here's a helpful video:
What Does A.A. Do?
Oddly, A.A. members often insist that A.A. is not a religion despite the fact that five of the Twelve Steps mention God. This bizarre idea is justified by claiming that anything qualifies as a "Higher Power," even your own cock (what a tiny little God you have, there).; the A.A. member is encouraged to seek his or her own conception of God. The path to A.A. is something like this:
- Drink your face off.
- Fuck up your life totally.
- Go to A.A. where you are told that it is not your fault because you are too weak to fight your disease. Only God can.
- Become STRAIGHT EDGE.
- Shag a newcomer
Bill Wilson Does Drugs and sees God FOR REAL!
Whether you like it or not, Bill Wilson, founder of A.A., found his higher power on drugs. The Belladonna "cure" used those pretty little highly toxic plants(one would have to be immensely brave to eat it); they get you face-meltingly high and poison you so much that you end up in a state where you have one foot in the grave and one foot in the land of the living. You trip some massive fucking balls. Overdoses are fatal. But Bill, brave man that he was, prepared for his visionary experience with nothing but years of guzzling cheap rotgut whiskey and bathtub gin.
"In the end, after all of the drinking, drugging and debauchery, Wilson remained an irresolute drunk, always seeking that next big fix. Whether it was from occult religion, womanizing or his other drug addictions concerning nicotine and acid, he never looked within to liberate himself from his vices. He literally believed he was powerless over everything! But, dammit, he never drank again so the true believers can overlook all of those other details."
"William Griffith Wilson never worked the Steps to get in contact with his Higher Power. He got his from detoxing from a few bottles too many of bathtub gin then getting re-intoxicated with a head full of hallucinogens on top of guilt-inspiring preaching by Ebby Thatcher."
Now that you've read that, you can stop feeling so down that you can't kick your own habits, because Bill Wilson sure as hell didn't. Just kidding! You're still a fucking loser and you really should just kill yourself.
Bill Wilson and wife Lois talk about Alcoholics Anonymous
Found in every AA meeting, an AA Big Book thumper suffers high emotional reactivity along with a strong need to control those around him. Extremely hyper sensitive to those who question the AA cult doctrine and draw attention to its inconsistencies, fabrications and deceit, he experiences extreme anxiety when the AA house of cards bullshit is brought into question. Engages in all manners of childish temper tantrums such as stomping out of a meeting when the heretic speaks, will yell, name call, attempt to isolate the heretic from others and even succumbs to fits of rage where he will launch into physical attacks upon the heretic to prevent the light of day from shining in on his program. Can often be seen with other Slayers giving the "I have been conned" heretic the bums rush out the door.
Hidden video of a real meeting a Serenity Slayer falls off the wagon and goes on a binge again and again and again
The "I have been Conned"
Many of the alcoholics who enter this program realize they have been conned. They thought this program was an altruistic group that was formed to help people like them overcome their alcohol problems, only to find they'd fallen for a bait and switch. They found themselves in a cult. A religious cult where their own tiny dick can be their "Higher Power." Those who question the program are advised to go out and do more research - which means to drink some more. Because if they're drunk, they'll be too dumb to realize that it's just a scheme. But, then again, people that stupid deserve to lose all their money anyway.
Some of the disillusioned alchies have now taken up residence on such websites as this place where they post their stories of abuse, terror, and the predators in the roomz. But who cares? As previously mentioned, people so dumb as to have fallen for the trap deserve to die. Or be laughed at until they cry the bittersweet tears of drunken shame.
The Really Pissed Off I have been Conned
These are people who have spent years in the 12 step program before realizing they had been tricked. Royally pissed off(even though if they fall for the trap, they deserve everything that they get) for wasting time and energy and money in attending meetings, buying and then tl;dr'ing the literature, hearing endless drunkalogues and being fucked in the ears and eyes by the constant barrage of slogans, it is these individuals that are more than likely to become activists. You will find them at Church Halls as well as other AA meeting sites painting graffiti on the walls, passing out anti-AA literature, and givng out internet directions to the famous Orange Papers, because they mean srs bsnss. Their motto is "I won't get conned again." At times you will see one or more of them being assaulted by an enraged(and possibly drunk) Serenity Slayer.
This is serious stuff and their mission statement, a parody of the AA preamble, is all about being conned and that they won't get conned again(until they do).
"...You are not alone. Many of Us have been misled by the religion that claims not to be a religion. Some of Us suffered for years oblivious to the fact that AA offers no reliable or even sincere method to help alcohol troubled people to recover from addiction. When We felt hopeless… They used it against Us. They told us We were powerless. They did it to break Us down. They did it to make Us unsure of Ourselves. They did it to recruit new members for their religious cult. We’re here to expose AA for what it really is. If You’ve tried AA over and over again, and You’re not getting the results you were promised, maybe it’s time You tried something else. Think about it." - the Orange Papers
How to troll Alcoholics Anonymous
- Bring a flask
- Take drink orders
- One-up every 'rock bottom' story
- Assign liquor-related nicknames to people (Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Tina Tequila)
- Repeatedly ask what atheists are supposed to do about step 2
- Insist on last names
- Accidentally the coffee machine
- Mention that the disease/powerlessness concept is flawed and merely an excuse to avoid taking personal responsibility for having hurt others. Accuse them of believing what they believe because it makes them feel better, not because it's the truth.
- Insist that the 9th Step (making amends) is born out of a desire for self preservation rather than sincere regret.
- Mention that your higher power, Jesus Christ, believes humans have free will and drinking is a sin and a choice. When they suggest you choose a different higher power, insist they are in the grasp of Satan as they are contradicting the word of God (do your research on this).
- Tell them that your higher power is Dionysus, god of wine (Or similar. Satan will suffice in a pinch). When they insist you change higher powers, accuse them of religious intolerance.
- Remind them that all the cigarettes and coffee they consume will kill them just as fast as booze
- Tell them that you drink occasionally but are not an alcoholic. Say a relative has insisted you go to an AA meeting and you're just doing it to satisfy them. Watch as they accuse you of being in denial. Mention denial in AA as being a Catch 22 similar to dunking a witch (the more you deny it, the more it's evident you are an alcoholic).
- Try to get a straight answer as to why a higher power is required to quit drinking.
- Amateur stand-up routines when it's your turn at the mic
- Cough "Step 13" at every woman in the meeting
- Ask if there are alternatives to AA (or insist there are and list them).
- Ask if alcohol can be substituted with other drugs (i.e., marijuana, cocaine, meth)
- Never drinking again
- More Revealed
- Muckracking the 12 step treatment industry
- Orange Papers (Archival as the original website was down)
- The Al-Anon LJ Community. Dramatic, yet sadly troll-free at this point in time.
- The Actual Official Alcoholics Anonynous Home Page.
- God grant me the serenity to troll an online AA meeting