Mortal Kombat

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Mortal Kombat is a gimmicky cash-in on Street Fighter 2. The gimmick is cartoon blood and finishing moves which got boring ever since every other Mature-rated game came to be. While the series showed the level of outrage that Republicans can whip up to distract the world from what they do in their private lives, since Mortal Kombat 3 it has provided the industry with an example of a franchise that should've been allowed to die peacefully in its sleep a long, long time ago. It features a cast of characters who have, over the course of two decades, failed to develop at all.


Midway Era

The "Midway Era" are games from 1992-2007. Over time the game's story became more convoluted (without really going anywhere) with shit like people dying and then being resurrected for seemingly no reason, people being created for seemingly no reason, and a backstory in one game that can become very confusing since I'm pretty sure that Sub-Zero (the gay unmasked one) did not exist when Shujinko was in his early 20s. Despite it being stupid and/or confusing, it kept Midway afloat for a while. Once they went bankrupt, Warner Bros. swoops in to buy the rights of the franchise starting the "NRS Era".


500 years ago a wizard and his four-armed retard crash the annual Shaolin karate tournament and whip the Great Kung Lao to death. 500 years later, Liu Kang, a screaming monk, is chosen to "restore the balance" (more like regain the Shaolin's street cred from their massive Ls) and keep Shang from acquiring the property rights to EarthRealm for his master, Shao Kahn.

Playable: Johnny Cage; Scorpion; Sub-Zero; Liu Kang; Kano; Raiden; Sonya Blade
Nonplayable: Reptile (secret)
Bosses: Goro(sub); Shang Tsung


After winning the first karate tourney, Liu Kang and the Earthrealmers go to another karate tourney since Shao Kahn is a sore loser and must acquire the property rights for his shitty forced diversity program. He gives Shang Tsung the anti-aging treatment (and big pharma hates him for it) and makes him into a messanger boy to deliver an invitation to Shao's tourney at his wasteland home.

Playable: Baraka; Kitana; Mileena; Kung Lao; Sub-Zero 2; Reptile; Jax Briggs; Johnny Cage; Liu Kang; Scorpion; Raiden; Shang Tsung
Nonplayable: Jade; Smoke; Noob Saibot
Bosses: Kintaro(sub); Shao Kahn


Shao Kahn gets pwned in his karate tourney so he enacts his over 9,000 year old insurance plan by telling Shang Tsung to resurrect his crusty wife in Earthrealm. This action somehow lets Shao merge the realms illegally. However, the Elder Gods decide to sit on their asses and let the Good Boys do the punishing for them.

Playable: Jax Briggs; Kano; Kung Lao; Liu Kang; Noob Saibot*; Shang Tsung; Smoke*; Sonya Blade; Sub-Zero 2 (now gay and unmasked); Cyrax; Kabal; Sektor; Sheeva; Stryker; Nightwolf; Sindel
Bosses: Motaro(sub); Shao Kahn

Secret code only*


With Shao Kahn pwnd again, Shinnok convieniently escapes from jail and tells his bottom bitch to do his part in the war effort. It is unknown why Earthrealm is prime real estate when it has a high concentration of feminists, simps, soyboys, and other Tumblr inhabitants but at the end of the day, Raiden must protect the realm with his squad all on minimum wage and no injury compensation.

Playable: Fujin; Jarik; Kai; Reiko; Tanya; Meat*; Jax Briggs; Johnny Cage; Liu Kang; Noob Saibot*; Raiden; Reptile; Scorpion; Sonya Blade; Sub-Zero 2;
Bosses: Shinnok (playable); Goro* (sub/playable); Quan Chi (mid/playable)

Secret code only*

MK: Deadly Alliance

While running from the Yellow Ninja, Quan Chi finds a tomb of dead people and shakes hands with his new business partner, Shang Tsung. They go on a quest and pwn Shao Kahn and Liu Kang. Hearing about his favorite asian getting clotheslined, Raiden calls in his employees from vacation early to stop the DeAdLy AlLiAnCe *dun dun dun*

Playable: Bo Rai Cho; Hsu Hao; Kenshi; Li Mei; Movado; Nitara; Drahman; Cyrax; Jax Briggs; Johnny Cage; Kano; Kitana; Kung Lao; Quan Chi; Shang Tsung; Scorpion; Sub-Zero 2; Sonya Blade; Raiden; Blaze*; Mokap*
Bosses: Moloch (nonplayable)

Secret code only*

MK: Deception

We go back in time and go on a journey with an uninteresting protagonist, Shujinko, in his quest to find realm collectables for a floating piece of red lint. No one fucks up more than this guy as he causes another issue while whining about not being able to go to some karate tournament.

Playable: Jade; Kenshi; Scorpion; Mileena; Baraka; Sub-Zero 2; Sindel; Raiden; Li Mei; Kabal; Nightwolf; Bo Rai Cho; Noob Saibot (and his butt buddy Smoke); Tanya; Shujinko; Kobra; Liu Kang (now undead); Hotaru; Ermac; Kira; Ashrah; Darius; Havik; Dairou
Bosses: Onaga (unplayable)

MK: Armageddon

Some god from another realm puts his two sons in a gruelling fitness program at the request of his wife but they need to take a really big nap before they can start. You get to play as another uninteresting character, Taven, as he stumbles about the realms looking for glowing phallic objects to use as a way to talk to his father and save the realms by killing a fire monster. Why everyone else is involved sounds just as stupid as creating a 60+ roster of every boring and retarded character that has been created and left in development limbo by these people.

Playable: Every. Single. Character.
Bosses: Blaze (playable)

NRS Era 1

The "NRS Era" is from 2011 - 2019. It is currently the shortest because NRS hires hack writers who are only old enough to have played the games from up to MK4 (most likely) and/or are too lazy to read the source material which in turn created another mess in the story. It is now expected that when Mortal Kombat's story becomes confusing or is hated by players that they "reboot" the series. In the Midway Era, they created Armageddon where everyone dies. In the NRS Era, they created MK11 where a time bending woman and her house nigger start doing some shit and Liu Kang puts her down thus concluding the timeline and starting a new one (reboot).

2011 Reboot (MK9)

Basically the first three games but Dark Raiden from Armageddon sends a message back in time to his retconned MK1 self and goes on a Scooby Doo mystery solving mission to figure out who "He must win" refers to. Spoilers, it's not Liu Kang.

Playable: Scorpion; Liu Kang; Kung Lao; Sub-Zero 2; Sindel; Ermac; Reptile; Kitana; Johnny Cage; Jade; Mileena; Nightwolf; Cyrax; Noob Saibot; Smoke; Sektor; Sonya Blade; Jax Briggs; Kano; Stryker; Shang Tsung; Baraka; Kabal; Raiden; Cyber Sub-Zero; Sheeva; Quan Chi; Skarlet; Kenshi; Rain; Freddy Kreuger (guest); Kratos (guest/PS only);
Nonplayable: Kintaro
Bosses: Goro (sub); Shao Kahn


Even though Armageddon has been averted we still gotta deal with the MK4 bullshit. Shinnok breaks out of prison and breaks into Raiden's sky crib to taint Earthrealm's life force (why are they just know coming up with this shit). We also get new characters that were apparently there since MK1 and ones that are discount versions of their parents.

Playable: Ermac; Jax Briggs; Johnny Cage; Kano; Kenshi; Kitana; Kung Lao; Liu Kang; Mileena; Quan Chi; Raiden; Reptile; Scorpion; Sonya Blade; Sub-Zero 2; Cassie Cage; D'Vorah; Erron Black; Jacqui Briggs; Kotal Kahn; Kung Jin; Takeda; Tanya; Jason Voorhees; Predator; Alien; Tremor; Bo Rai Cho; Leatherface; Triborg
"Secret": Cyber Sub-Zero
Nonplayable: Baraka; Rain; Sindel
Bosses: Goro (sub/playable); Shinnok (playable)


Shinnok is pwned and chained up in Raiden's sex dungeon. Kronika is not happy and decides to rewind time (again) and erase Raiden from existence (why?). Get ready for things that will make no sense, retcons, and Mileena stans that never quit.

Playable: Baraka; Cassie Cage; D'Vorah; Erron Black; Jacqui Briggs; Jade; Jax Briggs; Johnny Cage; Kabal; Kano; Kitana; Kotal Kahn; Kung Lao; Liu Kang; Noob Saibot; Raiden; Scorpion; Skarlet; Sonya Blade; Sub-Zero 2; Cetrion; Geras; Kollector; Shao Kahn; Shang Tsung; Nightwolf; Terminator; Sindel; The Joker; Spawn; Fujin; Sheeva; RoboCop; Mileena; Rain; Rambo
Nonplayable: Cyrax; Sektor
Bosses: Kronika (nonplayable)

NRS Era 2 (????-????)

It is unknown when the next game will be released and what they plan to do since Liu Kang may or may not be canonically in charge of the new timeline (Aftermath DLC). With the knowledge of past timelines, will he just erase the things that made the franchise mildy (give or take) interesting or keep them as a necessary evil? Who knows but don't have any faith in any of the new writers (the old ones finally left once they did all the damage they could do) or Ed Boon, since it's all about the gore and boobies for him (they should have kept it that way since they are incapable of creating a coherent story without John Tobias). Am I, the writer/updater of this article, really butthurt over this? Yes.


Mythologies: Sub-Zero (1997)

You follow the original SubZero as he painfully treks through several levels of rage-inducing bullshit. NRS' first attempt at platforming games riddled with traps, demon women, oiled shirtless men, and dinosaurs all for some magic coin.

Special Forces (2000)

Kano breaks his gang out of prison. Jax chases after them. Another amulet. How interesting.

Shaolin Monks (2005)

Liu Kang and Kung Lao go to Outworld to find their kidnapped monkmen. In reality you will only play for the co-op feature.

MK vs. DC:U

The most ambitious crossover.


  • Earthrealm: It's just Earth but with gods, magic, and mallcops that can fight.
  • Netherrealm: Hell except the real Satan (not the pasty bitch that gets beat by a teen girl) had his status yanked. It's still generic though.
  • Outworld: A magic multi-cultural wasteland of asians, monsters, and women.
  • Chaos Realm: an anarchist's wetdream.
  • Orderrealm: an authoritarian's wetdream.
  • Edenia: A supposed utopia that couldn't square up with Outworld so they are now a part of Outworld's Diversity Program.


Niggaiden, his finishing move involves impaling his opponents with his massive black dong of doom.

MK features a colorful cast of interesting characters like Gods, Ninjas, Wizards, Monsters, G.I. Joe, and Women.


Liu Kang.PNG
Liu Kang: Stereotypical oriental with the ability to shoot fireballs and destroy eardrums at will with his high-pitched screams. Surprised he can even fight taking notice of the fact that you can blindfold him with floss; then again, he's the first game protagonist to actually fuck up and get killed, and of course be brought back to life. Marshall Law from the Tekken games must be related to him, as they both emit the same annoying "wahhhhhhhs" when they attack. Now a Fire God as 11.
Johnny Cage.PNG
Johnny Cage: Glasses-wearing Hollywood actor douche that does splits and punches men in the nuts and as of MK9, the cunt (in the original arcade game, it didn't work on Sonya, and for some reason Goro or Shang Tsung either -- are they eunuchs, or just trannies?)
Sonya Blade: Unable to master cooking while growing up, she became the bitchiest cop in the world and fights with her thunderous thighs. Her fatality is burning opponents alive with a mere kiss. Now more popular because she is voiced by Ronda Rousey in 11.
Kano: Killed Sonya's partner. Why this has anything to do with entering the tournament is a secret revealed only by defeating Goro. He also has an eye laser for some reason and a Steve Irwin type survival knife, but look how well it did for that guy.
Raiden: Thunder god who constantly has his ass kicked by the very mortals he oversees. In the reboot, he's fired for picking such shitty people to defend Earth, and is responsible for the deaths of 3/4 of the cast. Known for his cheap "superman" move which consists of him literally flying through the air and slamming the opponent into the wall, which is so fast it's hard to block.
Goro: Four armed prince made of clay. Breaks Johnny Cage's $500 sunglasses in the first movie, and as of Mortal Kombat X, Cage still hasn't let it go.
Shang Tsung.PNG
Shang Tsung: Sorcerer with the ability to transform into the same weaklings he is out to destroy. Why he wouldn't morph into Godzilla or something and simply stomp everyone is a question which remains unanswered.

Ninja Recolors

the gay unmasked one
*Sub-Zero: Which one? There's the classic one, the gay unmasked MK3 one, the one that becomes Noob Saibot, the one that becomes Cyber Sub-Zero, and Frost. Not like it matters since they all do the same shit. But the more merchandise that's out there, the merrier.
cake decorating
*Scorpion: Sub-Zero, only he throws spears while shouting "Get over here!" Needless to say, he has achieved immense popularity despite having one of the most limited special moves list in the entire series. Has a powerword that goes by the name Hanzo Hasashi.
thank you SonicHaXD
*Reptile: Lizard that spits acid, emits toxic fumes, and stinks like a sewer. He's believed to be the last living member of his race of saurons and lives his life as a servant to the strongest characters in the game in order to get somewhere in life. Was a hidden character in the original arcade game where he was nothing more than a mix of Scorpion and Sub-Zero, but it was so difficult to find out how to battle him that must people didn't care to.
*Smoke: Smoking powers, yeah betcha' that'd be real useful. Giving him a cyborg version didn't do much for him either.
*Rain: Water powers and lightning powers, a far improvement over freezing assholes and breaking them into a million pieces, or flying through the air while wearing a traditional Chinese hat.
*Ermac: Ninja that was a glitch in the first game, and then they had the bright idea of making him an actual character with soul powers. Started to look considerable mustier over time.
*Tremor: The once hidden earthen powered ninja you can play as, but not in the character roasters, now officially as fuck in Mortal Kombat X.
*Noob Saibot: The original Sub-Zero that is currently going through a late-term goth phase after he was spit roasted by Scorpion. Probably fucks his shadow clone (or it fucks him) since Smoke isn't there in the new timeline.

Slut Recolors

*Kitana: The 10,000 year old Princess of Edenia. Daughter of Sindel and Shao Kahn, and Liu Kang's love-interest, apparently Liu Kang is into older chicks. Surprisingly she and Liu Kang didn't have any babies yet. Fights with Japanese fans.
*Mileena: Kitana's uglier, sluttier sister. Apparently cloned by Shang Tsung. She has mutant extra sets of teeth for some reason, and for some other reason she tries to cover it up with a mask. Surprisingly fanboys have sexual fantasies of her biting their dicks off. Somehow grew a set of lips during the events after MK9 and before MKX but rips them off in MK11.
*Jade: The slutty ninja that likes the color green. Like Kitana, she is also 10,000 years old and the only reason she's still a character is because the game developers need someone for Kitana to have a lesbian relationship with. Her bust size is 36D. Officially dead in Mortal Kombat X. No one cared. Now a shoehorn ho for Kotal.
*Sindel: Kitana's mom. Queen of Edenia who made it a law that no girls can wear pants and that guys have to wear tights. Her special move is screaming sonic waves of demands of child support and attention to her prehistoric private parts. Retconned to be evil so she can rub Shao Kahn's tits every now and then. A pro at breeding slaves.
pees like a dog
*Tanya: Negress who puts people's heads between her vagina and thighs, holding that position for some time while she is screaming, then breaking their necks. The last part is unnecessary, as her jungle of love alone is enough to cause brain damage in close proximity.
Sharia is now law in Outworld
*Skarlet: Cuts her opponent's neck and splashes their blood on her face. Hawt, isn't it? Wait! There's MOAR!!!! The other fatality is stabbing herself and turns into a pool of blood then shoots tentacles from the ground to rape the opponent and then cuts their stomach open and takes a bath under them. Kind of kinky isn't it? Also came out as a result of a glitch in the second game an made as a DLC. Retconned to be an orphan Shao picks up and now she wants to fuck him.


Kung Lao.PNG
Kung Lao: Liu Kang's BFF with a boomerang hat as a weapon that splits people in half, which makes no sense since half the battle has him throwing it.
Jax: A nigger with metal arms that yells "GOTCHA!" whenever he gropes you. Works with Sonya to keep his rape habit under the radar.
Shao Kahn.PNG
Shao Kahn: The main bad guy. When you lose to Noob Saibot, he makes the fact that you suck official. In one of the games, he sounds like he's having an orgasm on the Finish Him! screen. Is now a Donald Trump reference in an attempt to gain Woke Points.
gun go pew pew
Stryker: Has no superhuman powers, but fuck it, Raiden's gotta get a league of moralfags somewhere.
Sheeva: Bitch so ugly, she's compensated with the ability to give four handjobs simultaneously.
Kintaro: Sheeva's four-armed tiger brother.
Ketchup and Mustard
Sektor/Cyrax: Evil robotic ninjas with nukes and missiles that still got their metal asses handed to them by mallcops and Asians.
Quan Chi.PNG
Quan Chi: Shang Tsung's replacement, because Shang Tsung didn't suck Shao Khan's cock hard enough. Gets decapitated in MKX.
Mavado: Spaniard who likes leather and whips.
Hsu Hao.PNG
Hsu Hao: Series' main source of communism. All he does is be Korean for one hour of the game and then gets killed.
Li Mei.PNG
Li Mei: Girl Liu Kang whose cartwheels are the series' main source of panty shots.
Frost: See Sub-Zero above.
Sareena: Former satanist whose sisters were killed by the old Sub-Zero, so she decided to have sex with him and convert to Buddhism. Shinnok didn't like this so he killed her. She came back to life, but she couldn't perform fatalities anymore, so Sub-Zero #2 though that he might as well have another ho on his team.
Reiko: Raver who gets high on ecstasy and bones Rain in the ass every other night. He wants to be Shao Khan one day, but no one seems to care about him enough to elect him.
Shujinko: A senile old man who was told he would save the world if he gathered 6 sacred, hidden, and extremely powerful artifacts and gave it to a red sparkly cloud. The cloud turned out to be the evil dragon king and then went to destroy the world.

Nice going, asshole.

Keeanu Reeves
Kenshi: A blind swordsman that can make his sword fly around using telekinesis.
Shinnok: Some God that got pwnd and shoved into his own amulet in MKX, only to be released by the bald guy before he got his head capped by a guy named Hanzo Hasashi. He gets his ass whooped by the daughter of Johnny Cage & Sonya Blade when he entered god mode as Corrupted Shinnok the final boss of MKX.
feel the rain on your skin
Baraka: Mileena's bottom bitch in MKX. Has retractable swords in his arms.
Kabal: He was Stryker's cop partner before a fire burn the shit out of him and implanted with cybernetic life support by Kano. Truthfully nobody cares about this guy.
Bo Rai Cho.PNG
Bo Rai Cho: A fatass drunk and Raiden's close friend. Master of drunken kung-fu with abilities of vomiting and unleashing deadly farts.
Nightwolf: A native american zoophile. Can summon green constructs and shoot lightning.
Fujin: Basically Raiden but not an idiot. Blows air out of his ass.

MKX Characters

Cassie Cage: The main heroine from MKX. Johnny and Sonya fucked like jackrabbits and out came Cassie Cage. Inherited her parents' move, including her daddy's signature nutcracker/cunt pun(t)ch. Also she likes popping caps in your asses and posting selfies of her fatality victims on Instagram for lulz.
D'vorah: Remember Q-bee from Darkstalkers and how you fapped off to her as she penetrated Felicia the catgirl with her stinger dildo? Take away all the animu cuteness, make her bald, give her a butterface and you get D'vorah. This bee bitch has some nasty moves which includes bug swarms, poisonous attacks, and going Alien on your asses by implanting you with an egg and a maggot bursting out of your carcass.
Ferra Torr.PNG
Ferra & Torr: A she-midget with claws riding on the back of a brute. That is some Thunderdome shit right there. Expect chants of "Who runs Bartertown" in online fights.
Kotal Kahn: A warrior from Osh-Tekk who went to Earth and inspired the Aztecs but fucked up after teaching them blood drinking, which killed them via plague from Spaniards. Became Emperor of Outworld since Mileena was too batshit insane to rule. His War God style involves using a big ass club to brain you to a bloody hamburger. Sun God involves roasting your enemies asses while healing yourself. Blood God involves cutting yourself, but Kotal's not emo, far from it. He summons totems that buff stats in offense and defense. Kotal Kahn's fatality involves ripping your heart and squeezing it bathing in the blood. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Takahashi Takeda: Bastard son of blind swordsman Kenshi and Scorpion's protege, his fighting style will involve using whips. Resembles Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. Likes him some brown sugerr
Jacqueline Briggs: The Negress daughter of Jax and Cassie's partner. She's inherited his red ass beatdown style and has gun gauntlets to emulate daddy's roboarms. Has yellow fever..
Kung Jin.PNG
Kung Jin: Some sort of kung fu archer related to Kung Lao. What's with that helmet though? Also is badass gay.
Erron Black.PNG
Erron Black: MK's first cowboy fighter and he's got a magic bullet with your name on it. Wait minute, it's fucking Hol Horse!

MK11 Characters

Kollector: A six-armed Jew (taxman?). Barely does anything.
Yaaaah! It's Rewind Time.
Geras: Kronika's negro time slave. Could easily body most of the characters but doesn't for some reason.
Cetrion: Shinnok's tree-hugging skank sister.
Kronika: Literally only exists as a excuse for continuiety errors and will often rewind time because her son, Snookie, gets his ass whipped in every timeline. Kind of looks like a Softsoap Bodywash bottle.

Guest Characters

*Kratos: Best way to troll Xbox 360 fanboys since you can only play as him on the PlayStation versions.
*Freddy Krueger: Seriously Midway? And he's not even the one from the original series, he's the one from the crappy remake!
*Jason Voorhees: At least he's the original version unlike the shitty remake version like Freddy Krueger.
*Predator: Yes, THE Predator from the classic Schwarzenegger film Predator.
*Leatherface: All of a sudden Leatherface appears. Midway, are you running out of ideas?
*Xenomorph: You were expecting Baraka for Mortal Kombat X? Well too fucking bad, you get a Alien-Baraka hybrid.
Terminator: Another robot. Cheers.
Rambo: An indicator that they ran out of guest ideas... somehow. Eats bugs.
I'm da Joker, baby.
The Joker: A request from WB?
Spawn: Is only there because the fans kept badgering Ed Boon about it. Now that he is there they will finally shut up.
RoboCop: Another robot and a lazy way of putting Sektor and Cyrax in the game.


Liu Kang being a cheap juggling cunt
Mortal Kombat was eventually made into a movie that performed surprisingly well in the box office
The sequel however was unable to live up to the high standards set by the pilot film

Official iProduct

As if the godawful movie sequel didn't assrape the series enough, in a brilliant move EA an Warner Brothers have further raped a great legacy game by tossing a shitty port onto apple iProducts. Play a game that requires no less than 8 buttons and multi-directional spin moves on your touch screen... Fucking idiots. Also Kintaro is a warping cunt, and will turn your asshole inside out while you smash buttons in futile prison rape frustration.


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See Also

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