Weed (AKA: Marijuana, Cannabis, Pot, Kush, 420, Hash, Mary Jane and Skunk) was invented simultaneously by every religion's God at least 100 years ago in 1969 on the planet Mexico and legalized Last Thursday. Some people say that God made it. Others will disagree and say that Satan did, but everybody knows that actually it was invented in Colombia because every single Colombian is an expert on the manufacture of every illegal drug.
Although not the best drug in the world, cannabis is easily the coolest drug for anyone to use; statistics say that 85% of people die the first time using it, but 100% of all survivors report having an all-round more kickass life. Roses are red, violets are blue, pot is green. I'm really baked. And hungry. Several studies show that marijuana can affect short-term memory. Several studies show that marijuana can affect short-term memory.
Prior to the 1960s, Cannabis was mainly used by spicks and porch monkeys. This all changed when Jerry Garcia invented the dirty hippy by forgetting to shower for a few years, thus increasing cannabis consumption dramatically across the US. However, it was still difficult to acquire at that time because The Beatles and The Dead were using most of it to help them write songs about walruses and glass onions. Thankfully, The Beatles broke up in 1970, allowing the rest of the world to enjoy it as well. Soon, it was common enough that even white people could find it.
Being the cheapest dirt available on the market, it is used by a wide variety of people, except rednecks (who prefer cheap beer, meth and dick-sucking), Heath Ledger (who is dead), and old people (who are already way stoned on prescription meds). Because of the simultaneous existence of Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, and Bill Clinton, many feared a shortage would arise, but thankfully Mexico stepped up to the plate last Thursday and increased production of 13-year-old boys, who are known to grow weed in their closets (so their parents don't find out).
What is it like to be cannabis?
Cannabis is the unluckiest plant on the planet since most of it ends up in Seth Rogen's disgusting mouth. Even more unlucky than watermelon. As the chicken of the plant world, cannabis is a horrible victim of industrial genocide on a massive scale. Forced into factory farms and overcrowded conditions under artificial lamps, most cannabis lives an abysmal life where its only escape is death. If a lifeform is unfortunate enough to be born cannabis, there is an at least 100% chance it will end up in the mouths of either diabetic niggers, thieving spics, white people in dreadlocks or cornrows, or filthy neo-hippies who don't even revolt anymore. This unspeakable genocide is even more tragic since the enormous murder of cannabis is mainly so people will buy artisanal hackysacks and delusionally think that bad music or bad art or bad shows or junk food are actually good. Like everything else that comes from India, cannabis is subjected to overcrowding, grubby hands, pop spirituality, white people who think they know how to do it better, and harmful industrial chemicals.
Humans justify the widespread captivity and abuse of this undeserving plant because they have legs, even though you're not even using your legs while you read this. Humans think they're better than cannabis, even though they don't even have chlorophyll, and consequently have to either work for a living, leech off the government, live in their parents' basement, learn the hobo code, or sell weed.
Cannabis is heavily promoted by global capitalism since it spurs consumption and mindless media watching. When consumed it makes lettuce-pickers, janitors, maids, and fast-food workers not give a shit, turns people into braindead morons who will waste money on the dumbest shit imaginable, helps trained killers cope with their war crimes, and pacifies the masses into not revolting -- except for the rare instances when a user uses it and shoots a Congresswoman, or shoots his wife, or jumps from a hotel balcony, or shoots themself in the head, or cases a bunch of houses and attacks someone and gets shot, or tries to steal a cop's gun and gets shot. As you can see, cannabis is perfectly safe and never killed anyone, ever. When alcohol kills people, it's alcohol's fault, but when weed kills people it's because the people were already crazy. Cannabis even cures cancer, like in Bob Marley who defeated cancer by dying of it at 36.
Obvious slang names for weed
Cannabis is referred to using many slang terms, including:
- Ganj (or, Ganja)
- Mary Jane
- Pol Pot
- Gamer fuel
- Scooby snacks
- Pokin' Smot
- Wacky tobacky
- Sticky icky-icky
- Some of that green shit
- David Allan Coe
- Dope (a slang term for heroin used interchangeably with weed by baby boomers)
- Jolly green bananas
- Short bus biofuel
- Jungle fungus
- Short-term memory what?
- Polynesian pinkeye
- The Incredible Hulk
- Libertarian tobacco
- Hobo harvest
- Mojave dry-mouth
- Arabian crime (because it gets you stoned)
- Jew kids
Like anything that has ever existed evar, marijuana has upsides and downsides. Cannabis causes cottonmouth, which, as the name suggests, makes you feel like you just ate a piece of fucking cotton. Other effects of cottonmouth are the absence of any saliva in your mouth except for that tiny bit of semen you forgot to swallow. Cottonmouth can be avoided by not smoking weed, or drinking a shit-ton of water afterward.
Possibly the worst side effect of smoking weed, it is known for making white middle-class teenagers appreciate reggae music, which is utter shit. They'll come up to you and start talking about how much they appreciate Bob Marley, and show you their Bob Marley shirt, Bob Marley flag, and Bob Marley cock ring, because capitalism is for bastards.
Aaaaaaannnd this would be one of the upsides of using cannabis. You take a bite of one chip and the next thing you know your entire pantry is fucking empty. After that, it's off to 7-Eleven, and you've just dropped a thousand grand on numerous deep-fried pastries alone. Of course, you made sure to waste no time while fumbling around the shop with your three deadshit stoner friends, wandering aimlessly and calling out to each other about how stoned you all are, much to the annoyance of the pitifully hollow existence running the service desk that Monday morning. Oh, and you also managed to make a mess of the Slurpee machine. You tried to mix every single flavor into your super-ultra double-sized plastic fat fuck cup for fat fucks, and you broke it. Smoking marijuana is the best way to get excessively fat and disgusting, especially if you're retarded, which most stoners happen to be. Although this extreme weight gain can be avoided if your skin complexion happens to be dark enough to warrant regular visits from the cops, as running from incarceration is a fun exercise recommended by health experts across the nation as a proven, time-tested means of shedding those unsightly pounds and all that extra flab hanging from your gut.
Again the best way to avoid the munchies is to not smoke weed.
Some people claim to be allergic to it, so, in theory, they could die from it. Even though it's generally accepted that no one ever has in the 2,000+ years of cannabis use by humans. They could die. Seriously. Or suffer extreme brain damage.
Marijuana has been proven to fight brain cancer and increase the smoker's I.Q. by stimulating new brain cell growth, but as a side effect also causes schizophrenia and sometimes obesity. It's up to your mom to decide whether that's a fair trade-off. Some people claim to take cannabis but "don't inhale". There is a 99.9% chance that anyone who says this is full of shit.
—Anonymous suggests you, Smoke Yourself to Sleep
Stoner threads on /b/
Lately there has been a new shitstorm of threads ruining our beloved /b/ - the stoner threads. There are a fuckload of them popping up everywhere and they are quite popular, even though many think they are retarded. The threads themselves consist mainly of comics, Girls Gettin' High and image macros (stonerdog) of situations associated with the consumption of marijuana or other drugs. Many of said images are completely fucked up and futile and could clearly only have been made by someone who has melted his brain with weed.
Ever since IRL oldfags all started to fuck off and die for the betterment of humanity, the whiny pea-brained crybabies they've left to take their place in brown-scorching the Earth have finally begun to make themselves useful: by leading the fight to legalize cannabis! Now, only a select few shitty redneck states don't have legal medical weed. Recently, many places across the world have fully legalized this shit for recreational purposes:
- Commiefornia - And about time!
- Canada - Legalized it on October 17th, 2018
- Colorado - Legalized it in 2012, starting a chain reaction
- Mexico - Cannabis prohibition found to be unconstitutional on October 31st, 2018
- Michigan -
- Netherlands - Legalized this shit ages ago
- Uruguay - You are gay
- Vermont - No commercial sales
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