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Torture is a teh hawt method of obtaining intelligence from Arabs and John McCain and orgasms from Katherine Harris, as related in the moderately listenable Guns N' Roses song, "Pretty Tied Up".

Catholics get off on torture. It's all here in this pamphlet!

Torture is considered old meme by those who ascribe to the Geneva Convention and people who like their sex without all the fru-fru.

Torture Methods

Foolish woman!
Example of Saw torture


A favoured method of Vlad the Impaler (more commonly known as Dracula) in 15th century Romania. Victims were impaled by forcing them to sit on a sharp and thick pole. The pole was then raised upright through the anus and the victim was left to slide further down the pole by his or her own weight. It could take the victim three days to die. It is said that Vlad enjoyed having a meal while watching impalements, that sick fuck.

Judas Cradle

The Judas Cradle was perhaps a little less sadistic than impalement but still gruesome. The victim’s anus or vagoo would be placed over the point of the pyramid-shaped cradle, then lowered on it by ropes. The intended effect was to stretch the orifice over a long period of time, or to slowly impale.

Sometimes weights were added to the legs to increase the pain and hasten death. This torture could last anywhere from a few hours to complete days. The device was rarely washed, so the victim could also be plagued with a painful infection and AIDS Not yet invented by the government.

Saw Torture

Saws were was common torture devices because they were readily found in most houses. It was also a cheap way to torture and kill a victim accused of witchery, adultery, murder, blasphemy or even theft.

The victim was tied upside down, allowing blood to be diverted to the brain. This ensured that the victim maintained consciousness for as long as possible, it also slowed the loss of blood. The torture could last several hours.

While some victims were cut completely in half as a symbolic gesture, most were only cut up to their abdomen to prolong the time it took to die.

Other forms of Torture

In 1993, influential black human rights activists the RZA, the GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah and the M-E-T-H-O-D Man published a revealing discourse on torture methodology, reproduced below.

Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what?
I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost with your ass cheeks spread out and shit, right?
Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour.
Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like, Tssssssss!
Yeah I'll fuckin lay your nuts on a fuckin dresser.
Just your nuts layin on a fuckin dresser, and bang them shits with a spiked fuckin bat;
I'll fuckin pull your fuckin tongue out your fuckin mouth and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLAOWW!
I'll fuckin hang you by your fuckin dick off a fuckin twelve-story building out this motherfucker.
I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.

Fact of the day

Torture, much like AIDS, comes in two varieties:

Good Torture
Bad Torture

Bad Torture, which is carried out against non-U.S. or non-white citizens, is shown in films such as Rendition, Talking Liberties, and Ghosts of Abu Ghraib.
Good Torture, which is mainly carried out against evil teens who have had sex, is seen in film like Wolf Creek, the Saw Trilogy and the Hostel films.

Teens like to see themselves tortured on film for the lulz and because it punishes them for having governments which use torture, and thereby makes them feel as if they've paid for their sins by proxy in some obscure way. Probably. It's like having a world ruled by S&M nuns.

Fun CIA facts about "Not Torture"

This man cannot possibly be a torturer because he has a kind face and nice twinkly eyes.


  • Waterboarding: Prisoner bound to a board with feet raised, and cellophane wrapped round his head. Water is poured onto his face and is said to produce a fear of drowning.
  • Cold Cell: Prisoner made to stand naked in a cold, though not freezing, cell and doused with water.
  • Standing: Prisoners stand for 40 hours and more, shackled to the floor.
  • Belly Slap: a hard slap to the stomach with an open hand. This is designed to be painful but not to cause injury.

Source: Described to ABC News by un-named CIA agents in 2005.

Torture Fan Art


See Also

External links

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