Toilet Paper Hoarding

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Toilet Paper Hoarding has become the great international hobby during this self-seclusion being insisted upon us due to the Corona Virus and illegal immigrants, thinking that they are doing God's work by jumping the South West American border to infect us all in the hopes that they can take over when every White person in the USA has died from Captain Trips.

People fearing that they will have nothing but a sponge on a stick to wipe their Assholes with, after a shit, are flooding the stores to buy up store supplies of toilet paper. Mainly, so that when they have a need to take a shit they'll have something there. Meanwhile, those who arrived late, don't believe in the modern marvel of capitalism or first-come,first-served will only have newspapers or coffee filters to do the job for them because hoarders have cleaned out stores thinking that we are looking at the Spanish Flu, Stephen King's The Stand or God's final judgement.

All they are doing is ensuring that when this current COVID virus passes in the next few month - that all they'll have is no need to buy toilet paper for a few months and will look like a major Douche every time they open up their garage door showing 3 palettes of toilet paper squirreled away.

Why Hoard Toilet Paper

Some people actually believe that the Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is the Biblical promise of a world of pestilence that will usher in the dawn of a thousand nights; when society has crumbled and the Antichrist rules over everything while the World looks like the cover of a Norwegian Death metal album or even, possibly, the homo-eroticism of Mad Max: The Road Warrior. All the toilet paper that they have hoarded, they believe, will be usable as a replacement for money and they can use it to buy gasoline for their SUV or trade it for sex like in a Russian Dystopian future written back in 1948. These are also the same people that believe that the Earth's demise is soon at hand and are usually the same people who run to stores to buy up all the milk, toilet paper and bread the minute the first snow flake falls because it's a sign that Ragnorak is at hand and Fenrir is about to eat the Moon.

In the case of the Basement dwelling atheist, divine intervention is replaced by a need to have for the sake of having or trading for supplies when the world does a backflip into a vat of acid. They believe that visits to the past, before society's fall, with such luxuries as soap and toilet paper can be used to barter for such things as sex, respect and position which is why you see mostly fat fucks like you buying up all the toilet paper with that dark hope that the end is finally near and you might finally gain that status you want in what has become a post apocalyptic RPG with the ladies actually wanting to be a part of your dirty harem because your dream of waking up as a NPC salesman with a +12 Charisma has finally come true.

Finally, there is the wonderful free market system that is in place populated by the entrepreneur that knows that they can sell toilet paper at five or six times market cost on EBay because people like you are dumb enough to pay for it because all it takes is one empty shelf and you believe that all the toilet paper that has been or will he made has been sold and they now have to do without.

Who Hoards Toilet Paper

Mostly lonely people like you that have no life outside their basement and either have the mentality that you are the sum total of all your possessions or have the serial killer mentality that someone you desire will come out of nowhere and offer you love because they are having an urgent need for toilet paper because they already have a level 3 Hershey Squirts alert that has left their panties with its first skid Mark.

Right know, while you fester all alone with your new found toilet paper wealth you hope, you pray that someone will come along needing help and then you can make them a slave of yours for a roll or two.

This whole plan centers on you having something that no one else has minus the balls to take it from you by force because while you were hoarding toilet paper they were Hoarding Guns and bullets. People like you actually believe that you can set up a drug style, toilet paper empire of women coming to you, and offering sexual favors for a roll of toilet paper because you have the last rolls on the planet.

So when you're all rolled up tight in a ball on the floor trying to get your dick into your mouth realize that you were a loser before the virus and you're still a loser even with a 3 pallet sized toilet paper hoard in your garage.

Tips To Argue Your Case For Toilet Paper Hoarding

  • Everyone Else Is Doing It: Probably the best argument that someone can come up with and we can respect because you can always say, "With everyone going crazy buying up toilet paper there is no guarantee that it will be there when I need it."
  • They'll Just Make More: Than why are you buying it by the palette? They reason you're buying it up is because you think, in the near future that something is going to happen to bring about a shortage or total absence when, in fact, it's greedy Fucks like you that are causing the shortage.
  • Good Old Fashioned Greed: We hate to say it but if you drop the excuse that it's your right to have as much toilet paper as you can we'd be hard pressed to argue it with you. If you are going to use this excuse don't come crying when someone breaks into your garage and steals your hoard because they probably felt that they had as much right to that toilet paper as you do. This is where you will see the inherent communist persona of people coming out as they are robbing you. Expect excuses from thieves like, "You have so much and I have none. It's only right that you share.

Price Gouging

Right back to good old-fashioned Americunt greed. Price gouging occurs when a sudden demand for items occurs during a panic or a scare and prices are 🔯Jewed🔯 up to a level that is almost unreasonable and during this Chinkenpox outbreak the excessive demand for toilet paper explains why single roles of toilet paper are going for as much as $10 a roll on EBay and in stores.

Perhaps the hoarders had a decent idea buying up toilet paper when the prices were more normal and the scare was more of a rumour of people dropping Dead from some sort of Flu that was going around in China.

Considered unethical in the business model and rarely talked about until a disaster or a state of emergency there is usually very little that can be done in a free market system of supply over demand and since toilet paper is not in the protected commodities of Food, water or housing very little can be done if anything can be done as most price gouging complaints go unenforced as price gouging is considered a part of the free market, stating that "if people really want it than they'll be willing to pay the heavily increased price."

Capitalism!!! Fuck Yeah!!!

Things You Can Do With A Toilet Paper Hoard After The Corona Virus Scare

File:You after the corona scare..jpg
you after the corona scare
File:Toilet paper throne.jpg
Toilet paper throne
  • Practice Origami by making birds and flowers that you can decorate your bathroom with.
  • You can finally wipe your ass with it because we know that you're using wash rags for that you Sick fuck because you are dreaming of days when toilet paper can be used as currency.
  • Build a toilet paper throne with it and rule over your cats and fish with an iron fist.
  • Dress up like a mummy and then brag to your neighbors that you can do this because you have 3 more pallets in your garage.
  • Get your name printed on each roll and hand it out as a political favor as you run for city council.
  • When your neighbor asks to borrow some toilet paper, open up your garage to show them your hoard and ask them how much they need.
  • Bring back TP-ing houses.
  • Make a big ass bonfire with it during a block party, we're assuming people actually feel comfortable with you being around their daughters and have a weenie roast.
  • While we're on thee angle of bonfires have a good old fashioned Salem with trial and use your toilet paper hoard for the fire that will cleanse her soul.
  • Use it to write the longest suicide note in history that no one will ever read or even miss you when you're finally gone. The only clue that your neighbors will have that you offed yourself will be the rancid smell coming from your house's basement.
  • Donate it to a high school for gymnasium decorations the next time they have a school dance.
  • Roll the toilet paper sheets up tight and make homemade tampons with it.
  • ????
  • Ha. You're stuck with a garage full of toilet paper ass hole.

If The End Does Come

You have nothing to worry about because you'll be dead and clutching your hoard of toilet paper that you put so much stock into, as you slowly rot into dust while the rats and cockroaches eat away at your festering body.

The only option you'll have if this is the end is to cry yourself to sleep every night because while you think you might be king sitting on your throne of toilet paper your final days will be at hand when a group of looters show up at your house to kill you because, statistically, someone else in your neighborhood will have survived to lead the ravaging hoard to your house because they saw you unloading weeks earlier.


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Featured article April 5th thru April 7th, 2020
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William Atchison
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