Todd Akin

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Prepare your vaginas, America.

Just when you thought the Tea Party had scraped the absolute fucking bottom of the barrel, the large, gaping, Goatse'd anus of America manages to shit out another fuckwit whose complete lack of intelligence defies all scientific classification. Thankfully, Todd Akin is not that man. Persecuted for trying to unlock the infinite mysteries of the female vagina, this valiant pioneer of science attracted the ire of both the left and the right of America's political spectrum, when he suggested the revolutionary and highly controversial hypothesis concerning a cunt's built-in anti-rape fetus killswitch.

As a result of his display of scientific curiosity, everyone from Barack Obama to Mitt Romney freaked the fuck out in a way America hasn't seen since a spic killed a nigger over skittles. Some argue that Todd Akin is really just a troll, or a stalwart defender of the unborn. What everyone agrees on, however - from the liberal media who furiously masturbated over the prospect of what may be the teabagger gaffe of the year, to the Tea Party who heard the rallying cry to bitch slap every woman in America for not disclosing such an amazing arcane secret of their biology - is that nobody, not Obama, not Romney, not Paul Ryan or Joe Biden, could have ever said something so amazing and awe-inspiring as to give every fucking man in America free-reign to rape women, as rape cannot form babby.

Mr. Akin, ED salutes you.

Gentlemen, Start Your Cocks

On Sunday, August 20th, 2012, in an interview with some backwater TV station in the middle of Dumbfuckistan, Missouri, God's Chosen One was asked why he doesn't support abortion in the cases of rape or incest. While this is normally a perfectly reasonable question - after all, it's the number one way of disposing of the evidence when daddy decides to break in his new daughter - Todd Akin immediately went into full teabag mode, and spilled the beans on what may be the greatest scientific discovery of our time: Women who are raped automatically kill the fetus that forms as a result.

It seems to me first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."


— Todd Akin, to the rejoicing of rapists and would-be rapists everywhere.

It had been a long time since the collective asshole of America shat so many bricks at once. Men everywhere rejoiced, and began planning the largest rape epidemic in American history, while women everywhere scrambled to dispel the rumors that a secret biological killswitch in their uteruses mercilessly butchered fetuses as the result of them asking for it. For reasons only pussy-whipped faggots like Americunts can understand, the outrage that resulted was bipartisan. Akin became the target off a proverbial bukkake, with calls from all sides of America's political spectrum for Akin to resign from Congress and stop running for the Senate, against feminist whore Claire McCaskill.

However this great American patriot didn't give up the ghost and went forward with his campaign as a real man does not PULL OUT. He lost the election to Claire McCaskill when 8,999 feminists left the kitchen to vote for her.

Much of Todd Akin's vast knowledge of the human body was co-researched with his fuckbuddy Paul Ryan while using the P90X. The results were amazing as he came up with a fetus person-hood Amemdment as well as making law that would criminalize abortion with murder. So basically, you can get your dick wet and if the bitch uses a coathanger to scrap it out, the bitch will be sent to prison where she will learn all the techniques of becoming a lesbian from a professional dyke. This method has inspired a lot of films on Cinemax.

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