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The good stuff.

Basics of tobacco

Tobacco—a preparation of diarrhea-colored leaves made from plants in the genus Nicotiana (pronounced "Porky's butthole")-is probably the most lulzy drug (if it can even be considered one) on the planet, aside from jenkem and gasoline. At first, users may feel tiny mental ejaculations of euphoria in dopaminergic pathways of their brain, but, since addiction and tolerance develops extremely rapidly, they continue to crave tobacco albeit experiencing next to no effects from it other than an empty wallet and smelling like rotting leather and burning dog feces all the time. Once one has become tolerant to normal doses of nicotine, The only way to relive the joys of smoking "for the first time" is to consume this gift from the gods. A warning: it is so potent that it may very well make you kill yourself. Only the most refined people appreciate tobacco, especially cigarettes. Cultivating the habit will thus guarantee upward social mobility for you.

Homo Sapiens: The retarded slave of a plant poison

It is very lulzy to witness humans become slaves to nicotine, the active constituent psychoactive chemical in tobacco. In its pure form, nicotine is an oily, clear, bitter liquid, only a couple drops of which can kill Andre the Giant or your mom. Nicotine is an alkaloid produced by plants in order to poison insects and animals that would have the audacity to eat them. It is, in effect, a natural insect-repellent and a mammalian-repellent. Curiously, Homo Sapiens is the only mammal not to have understood the plants' message. Indeed, instead of avoiding altogether the plants containing this poison, he grows them in massive plantations and then consumes them copiously. Several anons have argued that this is compelling proof that something went horribly wrong in evolution, but it was later discovered that the said anons were a coalition of Niggers and Irishmen involved in a convoluted plot, the aim of which was to make Mankind as a whole look so bad that they could easily add their sorry excuse for races to the genus Homo sapiens.

Bold new research in cancer and tobacco

A first attempt at communicating with cancer. Unfortunately, this breathrough was lost when the laboratory was devoured by Rob Reiner, who mistook it for a fancy Dairy Queen.

Tobacco users are known to develop different types of cancer. Several scientific studies funded by Philip Morris have determined that cancer may be a new life form trying to communicate with Mankind. Therefore, it is vitally important that all smokers unite and push forward in developing as many cancers possible. Th'ats just a big Tobaco lie!!11! Note: No, it isn't, you filthy hippie. This study was based on Philip Morris facts! So shut up!

How to consume tobacco

There are many versatile ways to enjoy tobacco products while advancing the goal of finally establishing communications with cancer:

  • Cigarettes: The most popular choice for tobacco users, cigarettes or "coffin nails" (as they're very appropriately referred to) are a sure-fire way to end up with a gaping anus in your neck and to age ten years in two months. They release white, creamy cum-smoke that you inhale to immediately become cool and/or look like a meth addict. If you like to sound like Tom Waits and want to develop horrible, painful diseases, go out and spend the ridiculous amount of money it costs to commit suicide on a slow, pack-to-pack basis. In order to use a cigarette, light the filter end on fire and fellate the end with the tobacco in it. If your cigarette is unfiltered (implying that you'd like to die very soon), just eat the pack. You will get pretty much every cancer possible from these little white smoldering cocks, but especially lung cancer. Don't worry... you're future medical bills will only exceed $1,000,000,000 a month.
  • Cigars: Preferred by corporate assholes, douchebags, fat middle-aged guys, Bill Clinton (see cigarsex), people from New Jersey, beaners, "refined" pinky-outers and Rush Limbaugh, cigars will burn all the money in your bank account and provide no buzz aside from an occasional sickness and existential crisis in which the smoker questions why he thinks he can afford these useless rolls of tobacco turds and a useless "hobby" that will make him smell like a Cuban's ass, all the while vomiting because he smoked a Nicaraguan maduro waay too fast. Cheap, shitty, machine-made cigars like Dutch Masters and Games are crafted from paper mixed with tobacco dust, which is referred to as "reconstituted tobacco", and these are often gutted by negros in order to roll fat blunts.
  • Cigarillos: Cigarillos are small, gay, Euro-typical cigars that Dutch fags smoke in outdoor cafes. Cheaper, crappier versions like Black & Milds are made of tobacco dust and uranium, and are often smoked by black people while they're sipping purple drank and forties.
  • Dip: Dipping tobacco or "moist snuff" is a 'Mericun bastardization of glorious Swedish jaw dissolving snus. Favored by white trash, rednecks, hillbillies and people with an IQ below 45, dip is used by almost every gun-toting, truck-mudding, cousin-fucking KKK member in the US and Canada. Simply pinch these cat turds out of the cans or tins they're sold in, and put the poop between your lip and gum. Soon, you will feel the wonderful, toxic effects of brown rectum juice collecting in your mouth as the "buzz" ensues. Make sure to swallow all of this sphincter fluid so you can be a real man like Slingblade and Joe Dirt. It tastes great and will help your digestive system. The best part about dip is that it lets you develop that chinless overbite you always wanted, once the surgeons have to remove half your face. Dip is endlessly glorified on YouTube by inbreds with plastic spittoons called "Mudjugs"... Uncle Cousin Billy Bob's replacement for the classic brass spittoon. If you see someone with a Mudjug, you're probably looking at an individual who lives in a trailer and wears hunting gear on their daily trips to Wal Mart. If you simply eat your dip, women will flock to your penis from the four corners of the Earth.
  • Chew: Old time dip, chewing tobacco (or "chew") is constituted by a big turd in your cheek instead of a tiny one in your lip. Now, instead of looking like a baboon, you just look like you can't wait to develop that horribly disfiguring facial tumor. Chew is made of loose or compressed, sliced tobacco leaves, instead of ground tobacco in tins. It is the preferred delicacy of God-fearing mother humpers from the Jersey Pine Barrens and Tennessee.
  • Snuff: Snuff, dry snuff, or nasal snuff, is the poor man's cocaine. Very finely pulverized tobacco powder is snorted into the nose. This was once common with English gentlemen who carried around handkerchiefs. If you want to sneeze brown goo on your friends and spend half your day picking the crusty flakes of coalesced tobacco out of your nose, this is your deal.
  • Snus: Dip's Nordic liberal faggot cousin and stepfather from the Old Country, snus tastes just as shitty as dip, but is more finely ground and doesn't make you feel like you have to spit in public and look like an absolute shit-lord. Instead, it rests between your lip and gum as dip does dip, and simply sits there while people stare at your bulging nigger-lips.

See also