Theoretical Physics

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Being mega smart doesn't stop you from making terrible puns.
OL theoretical physicist
Typical coloring exercise from a textbook used to prepare astronomers for dark matter mapping.

This is what people like Stephen Hawking [1] spend their time on. Due to believing they are a mega ultra super genius without the sarcasm, these guys are very proud of thinking about things incredibly far in advance of the rest of us.

It's kind of a shame that these guys think about that, since they could instead do something useful like:

  • Solve politics and make everyone happy.
  • Pwn Microsoft.
  • Cure muscular dystrophy and get out of their wheelchairs.
  • Get a life.
  • Take a Life.
  • Play Counter-Strike: Source.
  • Donate an organ (Except the heart, which is clogged with the cholesterol that is theoretical physics).

String Theory

The shining example of everything that's wrong with theoretical physics is string theory. In the real world, you can describe anything as a 4 dimensional "Event": A position in 3 spacial dimensions and 1 temporal dimension. String theory expands on this, and is based on the assumption that everything in the universe is composed in ten or eleven dimensions.

Nobody knows what those 6 or 7 other dimensions are. Some science fags have stated that the number of universes is not a fixed number, but "completely different type of mathematical quantity." In other words, they know fuck-all about their own theory.

String theorists predict that the Large Hadron Collider, the largest particle accelerator in the world, will provide evidence of these hidden micro-dimensions. Of course, it won't, and it will cause a black hole to open up and swallow the entire world, because the LHC is really a Jew plot, similar to WTC.

There are two very important things to know about String theory. One, it was once hailed as the answer to how the universe works. And two, it is now widely dismissed as utter bullshit. Many scientists who have denied String theory because it, "does not provide any quantitative predictions." Which is a scientist's way of saying that it is basically utter crap, proven nowhere except on a chalkboard.

Dark Matter

The astronomical Deus Ex Machina, Dark Matter is like regular matter except that it can not be observed...aside from the fact that anything that could possibly interact with the stuff gets its shit fucked up. Rather than acknowledging that there's a lot about the universe we still don't know, this bit of theoretical physics is employed whenever a lazy astronomer needs to explain away impossible observations. See also: Dark Energy

Illiterate scientists often try to hide the fact that dark matter is bogus by copy-pasting big words from Wikipedia, such as "flux capacitor" and "mathematics," into sentences about dark matter in order to ward off the casual critic. For example: "The dark energy required to Einstein neutron, therefore Kepler's Law singularity the universe is composed of over 70% dark matter..and also square roots of it."

In reality, the highest level of education required to comprehend the theory of dark matter is just below first-grade elementary school curriculum. We called the subject "coloring books," remember? Basically, astronomers spend about 100 years looking at a crudely drawn map of the universe and paint dark spots on it with a Sharpie wherever their calculations for gravitational force are not adhering to their formulas--by their own admission, these formulas have failed in over 70% of the universe. Therefore, Dark Matter is to blame.

The bulk of the calculations for dark matter can be compared to the God of the Gaps mentality:

God of the Gaps: If explainable life - unexplainable life = x, then God made x. Dark Matter: If predictable observation - unpredictable observation = x, then dark matter = x.

In both instances, the existence of the explanatory variable is unfoundedly prestanding. God/dark matter must be true, so God/dark matter must equal x. Dark matter does not explain why modern gravitational theory is failing all over the cosmos, but rather is used to fill in the gaps.

Need 2+2 to equal 5? Dark matter. Need 2+2 to equal 6, even if it just was 5 in the very same calculation? Get yourself some dark matter.

TL;DR God of the Gaps= Fail because some asshole tried doing an equation with variables that have no way of being measured, or variables that have yet to be measured.


Nerds, geeks, and the like have all masturbated to a photo of Stephen Hawking, and have subsequently submitted their ejaculate as part of their graduate theses. Not only does it earn them high marks, is often considered the fastest way to score an assistant professorship. Hawking's cum is magical. Hey, dark matter give me that cock please!

Every goth in the history of the entire world likes theoretical physics after watching What the Bleep Do We Know!? or stealing a copy of "A Brief History of Time" from the library. At least 100 percent of them pride themselves on being able to understand "about half of it." This is understandable, because goths are only capable of reading verbose, long-winded nonsense.


Meaning the Theory of Everything, the TOE was an attempt by theoretical physicists to think up something that would explain everything. They gave up when they realized that:

  1. In an infinite uni/multiverse, everything must happen. Even God.
  2. This means that any mathematical formula must have an IRL equivalent.
  4. Some bloke made up some equations that cannot be solved.
  5. Therefore, some things don't make sense.
  6. Um, everyone knows that.
  7. Oh fuck, I didn't mean to be a mega ultra super genius in the sarcastic way.
  8. I'm an idiot. Shit.
  9. ????
  10. PROFIT!

They could have saved themselves a lot of work if they had simply scorned upon LiveJournal like the rest of us and watched political debates. Or paid any attention at all to the real world.

E = mc²

It simply means that everything except energy is composed of energy. In that sense, it's the Theory of Everything. Theoretical physicists haven't found a way to generate winning lotto numbers using this formula, so they'll keep plugging away at the TOE instead.

See Also

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