|Jews did Ted Stevens on the 10th of August 2010. NEVAR FORGET|
|It took as many planes to kill Ted Stevens as to knock over two 1700 foot skyscrapers|
Shamefully ignorant and criminally insane, Ted Stevens was an (ex)Alaska senator. Too old to understand things, Ted Stevens thought the Internet was a "series of tubes." Stevens, known as "Uncle Ted," was also the inventor of YouTube, and wanted to make the internet better for you by getting rid of net neutrality. His most notable accomplishment was becoming an old meme the same day he became e-famous.
While it is occasionally acceptable for the senile to discuss things they actually experienced, such as World War I, it is both terrifying and lulzy when the 79-year-old chief architect of the Bridge to Nowhere spoke forth on the internets.
As net neutrality is what you are used to, it is truly mind-blowing to imagine that a senile, adult-diaper wearing king of such hookers, blow and pork might actually be responsible for reducing every non-corporate website to what AOL users infested with spyware experience. Yet, this is modern life in America, like it or fucking not.
At some point in mid-2006, Ted Stevens appeared on whatever the fuck Senate panel he was on, subservient to corporate interests, and attempted to explain how the Internets work. The result was amazing, and millions of DailyKos diarists, users, and readers jerked off to it, believing that this was the tipping point in the war against the conservatives. Sadly, they will once again be wrong, as DailyKos nutjobs seldom have enough income to support their favorite candidates. Once again, the capitalists win.
Teh Internetz According to Ted
"There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.
But this service is going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.
Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.
We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people [...]
The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time. [?]
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.It's a series of tubes.
And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.
Now we have a separate Department of Internet Defense, did you know that?
Do you know why?
Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.
The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me."
Ted Stevens was the official senator for Alaska. As a Republican, he fully supported drilling for oil in his state, causing a frothy mixture of dark oil with white snow commonly found in Alaska. This is very similar to his colleague, Santorum.
- Winning first place in the Iditarod (see first entry under "for men").
- Gave Government funds to his son to paint a 737 to look like a salmon. We wish we were making this shit up.
- His son's tubes were recently raided by the FBI in a corruption investigation. Among items found were hats labeled "Corrupt Bastards Club"
- The TSA inadvertently got some of their tubes crossed, resulting in Ted's wife, Catherine Stevens, being added to the "No-fly" list. Apparently, the malfunctioning tubes were confusing her with Muslim extremist and folk singer, Cat Stevens.
- Crashdoll is sometimes fed through a series of tubes.
- Despite his crusade to clear up everyone's tubes, Ted Stevens seems to enjoy ruining tubes belonging to those of Ventrilo users while listening to Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue. His mischievous deeds have been recorded and posted on YouTube:
Ted-Stevie Fan Base
Corruption? In my Senate?
"I continue to believe this investigation should proceed to its conclusion without any appearance that I have attempted to influence its outcome," Stevens said. "The legal process should be allowed to proceed so that all the facts can be established and the truth determined."
Lol, raid (dead)
The raid spawned from an investigation into the VECO oil company's practices on its way to Tens of millions of dollars in federal contracts. The heads of the company have already plead guilty to bribery and extortion and shit. It's pretty obvious from this article that even if Teddy isn't guilty of accepting bribes in exchange for contracts, he and the oil company exec are in bed together anyway. Fuckin' racehorses.
As of July 29, 2008, Ted Stevens faced even moar heat and had been indicted on 7 charges of making false statements about financial issues or something equally boring, like saying that an expensive chair he had owned for 10 years was "lent" to him.. It is presently unclear whether one of these false statements is Stevens' famous "tubes" remark. All that is known is that Stevens was pretty much fucked and was being faced with a shitload of fines. After the charges were brought against him, Stevens posted this message on his website (srsly):
As of October 27, 2008, Ted Stevens has been convicted on all 7 corruption charges. In a fun twist, the still-defiant Senator had (according to Yahoo News) "accused the Justice Department of unconscionable behavior in his prosecution" and declared that he will continue to run for re-election to the Senate. Since there is nothing barring convicted felons from serving in the Senate, Stevens will also be serving out his current term, pending action by Congress.
The Associated Press reports that Stevens claimed he could not oversee the project from thousands of miles away in Washington, so he had his wife pay the bills. That's what he gets for allowing her responsibilities outside of the kitchen.
Lost reelection bid!
On November 18 - the day of his birthday - Stevens' career went down the tubes as he officially lost his bid for reelection to Democrat Mark Begich and Alaska shocked the world by not electing a felon to the Senate and making everyone go "Maybe Alaskans aren't so stupid after all".
This is despite several jurors stating that the evidence against Teddy presented in the case was overwhelming. So that's alright then. Given he is now 85, the chances of his facing trial again are slim. And so, graet justice was served.
The Day The Tubes Died
On the night of August 9, 2010, Senator Cat Stevens died in a plane crash in Alaska while on his way to taking his cronies over to a fishing trip. Let's just be happy he didn't crash the plane into a farmer's market. The crash was reportedly caused by a misunderstanding from the pilot, who thought the plane was something that you just dump something on, when in fact this is a highly dangerous practice. The pilot took a shit and within seconds the plane was down.
- Jon Stewart explains Deleted by Viacom cunts
- Ted Stevens Remix video
- MOAR BYTES
- Series of Tubes (Net Neutrality Dance Mix), now available as mp3!
|Featured article September 13, 2006|
JEWS DID WTC
|Ted Stevens||Succeeded by|
|Featured article October 28, 2008|
|Ted Stevens||Succeeded by|